I'm being bullied by Social Services

[BulliedMama]

I’ve NC for this,

Two years ago I was the victim of domestic violence, myH at the time was convicted of this. Social services were called but closed the case. I try to make things work with my H but unfortunately at the beginning of this year another incident happened and since then I have left him. SS were called again and they have put my DS (reception age) and unborn on CP. I think this is a step too far and it should’ve been child in need but there you are. I am willing to do the things they’ve requested of me except the freedom program for domestic violence. I have done some one-on-one work with the domestic violence lady and she has said that the freedom program isn’t for everybody and you can’t force someone to do something that they are not willing to do. SS are now basically saying that I have to do this, if I don’t it there will be consequences and it’s nonnegotiable, I feel totally bullied by them my pregnancy has been ruined by them and the anxiety and stress they are putting me through is not helping. In my eyes I have eliminated the problem with removing my husband from the family home. Our only goal now is to work towards a civil relationship whereby our son is happy. I’m left in the position where I feel SS are now the perpetrators and it is not empowering at all to be made to do something you are so against. This is a box ticking exercise for them with no regard to the impact on my emotional well-being. In fact a small booklet I have with regards to the freedom program says about stress during pregnancy caused by perpetrators, well this fits SS completely.

Sorry for lack of paragraphs,

I don’t feel there’s any point complaining to SS but wanted to know if there is another organisation I can go to to find out my rights with regards to what they can force me to do. every other professional in my sons life are saying how well he’s doing and how happy he is.

Thanks, I hope I haven’t drip fed

I knew before I opened this thread how it would read.

You are not being bullied by SS. It is however clear that you are in need of supervision by them, and with your attitude you are only going to make things harder for yourself.
SS are very used to people complaining about how unfair they are and how they are trying to make them do things, when all they are doing is trying to protect your children when you didn't. The more you fight against them the more you become the problem.

If ss/court have said that you must do the course then if you ignore their advice and don’t do it you look like you are ignoring professional advice and neglecting your responsibility to safeguard your children. Research has shown that dv damages babies brains in the womb so it’s not just been dreamt up by some goody two-shoes.
Sadly as you have been in a dv relationship you are much more likely to do it again (you’ve proved that already) - if not with your ex then another partner. You will not be single forever as you are a young woman. Those who I know who have done the process grammar have found it really helpful to look at red flags/boundaries and how to change your mindset so that you don’t make the same mistakes again. You can buy the book that they suggest you read before doing the online course (‘living with the dominator’) easily online and it’s a great read. I think you owe it to your children to protect all of you from going through all of it again. Be under no illusions if you are not working with them you are at much higher risk of having all your children removed into foster care/adoption. I hope that you can overcome your resistance and get it done. Good luck op it’s a v tricky situation.

Well if you have suggested an online course and had it rejected then I don't think you have any choice

What are you frightened of in doing the course ?

I don't think social services are bullying you at all, they are trying to help, the course is to help you make better choices in the future, you have already taken him back once so obviously social services are going to assume that you could take him back again and put your children at risk. Sometimes we have to do things we don't really want to do, that's life and it's a small price to pay to get social services off your back.

Don't see why you won't just do it. In fact in the time you've spent resisting and arguing about it, you could have had it done with by now.

Is he expecting to have access to your newborn, if so who would be facilitating this?

I can see why social care are so concerned. You only want posters to agree with you. The fact that you are so amicable with your abuser and trying to turn things round so that social care are abusing you, will be a grave cause of concern to them. You don't seem to be at all realistic and you don't seem to understand why they are reasonably concerned.

Why would you not just do it to get them off your back and put an end to it all? A child protection plan is no joke. I would do anything social services told me to if my kids were at stake. Is it really worth making a point?

They haven’t dismissed an online courses, they’ve not said that’s a possibility yet. I would do that. I don’t want to sit in a group, I don’t want to go over it, I don’t want homework I just want to get in

on

Either you've posted about this not so long ago, or there are two women who want to lose their children for the sake of digging their heels in about something ridiculous.

If the children are on CP because you're incapable of prioritising their needs over yours when it comes to a violent man, then if you want them off CP, you need to prove you can. Firstly by doing the FP and then anything else they ask of you.

Be very confident that, if you don't prove this, your children will be removed from you because they are at risk from you prioritising your desires over their needs.

Give your head a wobble.

You are being ridiculous. You are blaming social services for bullying you, when it is your husband that is the bully. I notice you don't call him your ex husband.

You don't get to decide if your children are children in need or child protection. The way you are carrying on they won't be coming off child protection any time soon.

Just suck it up, put on your big girl pants and do the course. Stop whining about your well being and put your children first, including the unborn one.

You need to face up to this. All the arguing in the world about your rights and your wellbeing won't change that.

Your children’s social worker need to be able to see you demonstrate sustained change, that doesn’t mean you just saying it’s over and they should believe you. You could demonstrate your commitment to what you are saying by going on the freedom programme and they will see you cooperating. That is how you will get your children off a child protection plan.
Additionally, they will be concerned that you are showing no insight into the abuse by not going on the FP and could be at risk of entering into another abusive relationship on the future.
It may be inconvenient to you but you really should do it.

How am I amicable? I see him at pick up and drop off and we barely speak other than about DS

Social services can't make you attend the programme, of course you can continue to refuse to attend stating that it isn't for you. What you can't control are the consequences that flow from your desicion if social services decide that you are not putting the safety of your children first. It is your husband's behaviour that has placed you in this situation. You may do better to focus on developing a civil relationship with social services and thinking about the bullying behaviour of your ex.

If your children are part of child protection procedures there will have been multi-agency meetings to discuss this with you and make decisions and plans. All of the organisations in your children's life will have had a invite to attend and should have helped draw up the plans. There will be review meetings to look at how the plans are being followed, again with key organisations present. Child protection isn't just you and social services, making it that isn't going to help your family.

But you need to go over it to resolve how you would handle it differently. Have you had an counselling. Tbh you are coming across as defensive and being deliberately awkward on here, perhaps SS feel similarly.

Just do it to get them off your back.
Is this really the one thing you want to argue with them about that could make your life and that of your child and unborn baby difficult.
Just do the dam class and get it over with.
You took him back once, they are only interested in your children's well being. DO THE BLOODY CLASS.

We are not devoted yet,

Divorced

It's not just about " your husband" ( why are you still referring to him in those terms?).
It's about helping you find a decent partner for the future.

If you've been with one abusive man, that you then took back, statistically there is a good chance you might end up with someone similar next time. This is not a dig at you, it's just that studies have shown that it happens. Social Services no doubt know that. The Freedom Program might help give you some insight and also help prevent you ending up with someone like that again.

As someone who has had (and currently has) social services involvement with their kids...if social services tell me/advise me to do something I do it. I don't like having them involved (who does?) but I've found if you do what they ask they aren't involved for long. It's just not worth going against their recommendations because they'll be thinking 'why?' The 'not good for my emotional health' excuse isn't convincing- social services are thinking about the long term safety and wellbeing of the children and equipping you with the skills to avoid being in an abusive relationship again.

Did you expect to receive different answers from the last time you posted?

Oh fgs!! A 3 month course to get SS off your back and keep your children? To keep your children!!! That’s all you have to do. What is wrong with you?? You will lose your children over this silly stubbornness. Who cares if the course isn’t for you and you get nothing out of it? Write your shopping list in your head while it’s happening for all anyone cares. Just do it.