I'm being bullied by Social Services

[BulliedMama]

I’ve NC for this,

Two years ago I was the victim of domestic violence, myH at the time was convicted of this. Social services were called but closed the case. I try to make things work with my H but unfortunately at the beginning of this year another incident happened and since then I have left him. SS were called again and they have put my DS (reception age) and unborn on CP. I think this is a step too far and it should’ve been child in need but there you are. I am willing to do the things they’ve requested of me except the freedom program for domestic violence. I have done some one-on-one work with the domestic violence lady and she has said that the freedom program isn’t for everybody and you can’t force someone to do something that they are not willing to do. SS are now basically saying that I have to do this, if I don’t it there will be consequences and it’s nonnegotiable, I feel totally bullied by them my pregnancy has been ruined by them and the anxiety and stress they are putting me through is not helping. In my eyes I have eliminated the problem with removing my husband from the family home. Our only goal now is to work towards a civil relationship whereby our son is happy. I’m left in the position where I feel SS are now the perpetrators and it is not empowering at all to be made to do something you are so against. This is a box ticking exercise for them with no regard to the impact on my emotional well-being. In fact a small booklet I have with regards to the freedom program says about stress during pregnancy caused by perpetrators, well this fits SS completely.

Sorry for lack of paragraphs,

I don’t feel there’s any point complaining to SS but wanted to know if there is another organisation I can go to to find out my rights with regards to what they can force me to do. every other professional in my sons life are saying how well he’s doing and how happy he is.

Thanks, I hope I haven’t drip fed

So you'd rather give up your children? You do know don't you that as a baby your unborn would be likely to be put up for adoption rather than just into FC, meaning that you would likely lose any contact with him/her?

SS like babies to be adopted as early as possible in order that they can minimise the possibility of attachment disorders etc, so if your baby is taken chances are you'd never get him or her back and would never see them again. Is stamping your feet over not wanting to do the freedom programme worth that?

You were abused by your ex to the point that social services became involved in your life. Instead of putting your child first you took the bastard back and decided to have another baby with him. What was that about? To show the world your togetherness and that he had changed?

I have nothing but sympathy for genuine victims of domestic violence who are trapped in abusive relationships, but women like you who put their abusers above the wellbeing of their children make me sick.

Agree with Rescuepuppy

Six months down the line......

OP: SS took my kids away and they're now being looked after by my parents.
Posters: Why????
OP: Because I was stubborn.

Seriously OP, give yourself a shake and do the fecking course.

Do you have any rl support from family and friends?

If you don't listen to SS and you end up losing your children in the future please don't go on to perpetuate the myth that SS are child snatchers who remove children without giving parents a chance. It's so clear you're being given support and every opportunity to safeguard your children but you're working against it. Sorry if that's harsh but it's easy to see how people put a spin on things like this and make it sound as if they've been victimised by social services for "no reason at all".

Hold on - I’ve just read more posters responses. Everyone is telling you to do it. But you don’t want to. So just say no. If you don’t want help or think you need it then it won’t be much use anyway. You sound reckless, ignorant and selfish. Your children deserve more than that. Refuse to do it. The judge will remove them and you can visit them once a week at a contact centre until they are adopted.

Basically if you don't do it then SS will question what sort of parent you are, because a good parent would walk across hot coal for there kids. If you can't even attend a course to keep your kids then what kind of parent does that make you? I know what I would do.

I know a mum who lost her kids last year, because she refused to attend a course and counselling sessions, she refused to do the simple things SS asked her to do which was enough proof to social services that she did not care enough for her children (there were several other issues but if she had done what social services asked her she could have turned things around). SS took her to court, court decided she wasn't a fit parent and the kids were collected from school by SS and put into foster care. Is this what you want for your children?

The freedom program is the start there is a parenting one after that's the one they will really want you to do

you've been through a really shit time. I can see why you wouldn't want to do the course, especially if you're a private sort of person and already stressed with the pregnancy. I can also understand how, having left an abusive relationship and managed to get control of your life back, it probably feels like you are just being coerced by someone else now. I also know (having sat on CP panels in a past work life) that, however well meaning they are, social workers often come across in a really condescending way.

However, this won't go away and, worst case scenario, could even escalate. You know you need to do the course. It won't be time wasted, nothing that we do for our children is.

I think you know all this though, but sometimes we all need a good moan, and MN is good for that!

Is your ex husband putting pressure on you not to do it OP?

@ineedamoreadultieradult of course I would, looks like I’m going to be forced to against my will. What a waist of time and recourses

Why are you so scared of doing the FP? Are you worried that the other women on the course will challenge you ? Why don’t you want to talk about what happened and how you can stop happening again ? Do you think that the FP isn’t for someone like you ?

What a waist of time and recourses

But you get to keep your kids!!!

Why will it be a waste of time ? Why are you so sure that you won’t learn anything ?

SS are not abusing you in any way.

Sorry don't kid yourself the SS have a lot of power.
I can think of nothing worse than having my child taken from me and they have that power.
The definition of abuse is Treat with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly
Having a real or perceived threat of having your children removed would certainly feel cruel especially if you were heavily pregnant.

Don’t do it if you don’t want to but I think it would be a mistake. The FP will help you identify characteristics of an abuser that will serve you in future. The fact you don’t want to do it will be noted and any future incidences of DV will go against you. And having chosen one abusive man you are at risk of doing the same again. Your poor children,

Most people would jump through any hoops asked by SS because their children are so important they will do whatever they ask.

By refusing this, you're demonstrating to SS that you cannot prioritise your own wants and needs above your children. You're refusing to do something which could get you signed off for no good reason other than as a show of petulance.

You might think that is insignificant, but the main issue with your parenting is that your ability to put your children's needs above your own is in question. Because in the past you have not prioritised your children's need for a violence free home above your own desire to live with your husband. And by refusing to do the course you are showing that you are still following the same patterns of behaviour.

Your get out clause seems to be that you think it is all over between you and your H. But loads of people will say that to SS and then be back together the next week. They need you to back up your assurances with actions which you're refusing to do.

All of your post is about you and what you want and how you feel. You don't seem to have any appreciation of the fact that SS are there to ensure your children's safety, not to dance to your tune.

In fact, I can recall several cases (including Baby P and Ayeeshia Smith) where SS have been heavily criticised for the behaving in the way you want them to eg just accepting mother's assurances at face value and caring more about the mother than the child.

SS aren't bullying you. They're behaving absolutely correctly with an uncooperative parent who seems to have issues prioritising her children's needs.

I think this thread proves their intent is not to bully you OP, whether they've approached it in the right way or not the unanimous response here shows they (and we) have you and your DC's best interests at heart, I don't think that could possibly be construed as bullying.

What a waist of time and recourses

well next time he assaults you dont bother dialling 999 as that would be a waste of resourses

Op I get that you've finally got control back over your life now you feel you are losing control again.
Honestly nobody wants ss involvement. Grit your teeth do the course and count down the days till they sign you off.

Now that's when you'll finally feel free.
Good luck

@JaneEyre70, he thinks I should do it, he’s also doing a course with them.

I have nothing but sympathy for genuine victims of domestic violence who are trapped in abusive relationships

Loverofcake what do you think a "genuine victim"'s behaviour looks like ?

Go to your GP or midwife. Get a letter about your stress and the consequences this may have on your pregnancy (it's also a good idea to check just in case). Then file a formal complaint with the letter to support the complaint.

Pressed post too fast...

However OP I would caution you to be resistant too them.
Whether you like it or not if you resist them it will make it worse for you.
Like I said they have a lot of power.

Tell them that you will do the bloody course but maybe with support traveling to it/doing it online or some other adjustment.
It's crap but you have to meet them half way or they will not leave you or your kids alone.
Good Luck

Well done for leaving your dh. And I mean that.
But this is just the first step.
If you wish to keep your children the second is to do the course.
We all have to do things we don't like and don't always agree with, but we just get on and do them for the sake of our children.
You might even enjoy it, who knows, but do it you must. Dragging it out means your baby may not be able to stay with you so please just do it now.
SS are on your side honestly they are, they want the best outcome for you and your children.