I'm being bullied by Social Services

[BulliedMama]

I’ve NC for this,

Two years ago I was the victim of domestic violence, myH at the time was convicted of this. Social services were called but closed the case. I try to make things work with my H but unfortunately at the beginning of this year another incident happened and since then I have left him. SS were called again and they have put my DS (reception age) and unborn on CP. I think this is a step too far and it should’ve been child in need but there you are. I am willing to do the things they’ve requested of me except the freedom program for domestic violence. I have done some one-on-one work with the domestic violence lady and she has said that the freedom program isn’t for everybody and you can’t force someone to do something that they are not willing to do. SS are now basically saying that I have to do this, if I don’t it there will be consequences and it’s nonnegotiable, I feel totally bullied by them my pregnancy has been ruined by them and the anxiety and stress they are putting me through is not helping. In my eyes I have eliminated the problem with removing my husband from the family home. Our only goal now is to work towards a civil relationship whereby our son is happy. I’m left in the position where I feel SS are now the perpetrators and it is not empowering at all to be made to do something you are so against. This is a box ticking exercise for them with no regard to the impact on my emotional well-being. In fact a small booklet I have with regards to the freedom program says about stress during pregnancy caused by perpetrators, well this fits SS completely.

Sorry for lack of paragraphs,

I don’t feel there’s any point complaining to SS but wanted to know if there is another organisation I can go to to find out my rights with regards to what they can force me to do. every other professional in my sons life are saying how well he’s doing and how happy he is.

Thanks, I hope I haven’t drip fed

[LadyWire]

I would jump through a burning hoop with my bra on my head if there was a risk my child may be removed from me if I didn't. Do the course, tick the box, move on with your life. Good luck x

[BulliedMama]

The DV worker is voluntary on my part. I was happy to work with her but they are hell bent on the FP,

[permatiredmum]

They want to see you can put your DC's needs in front of your wants.
Your refusal to so the course because it is a bit of a chew, is feeding their doubts about you.

[AnyFucker]

Could a compromise be to do the online course ?

[AdalindSchade]

The risk exists within the relationship between you and your husband so yes, he may well have unsupervised contact with the kids whilst still posing a risk to you.

You aren't being bullied, you're in denial. The longer you remain so, the longer your children will be on CP plans.

[Alittlepotofrosie]

They're not bullying you. They're trying to protect your children.

[username7979]

The ultimate outcome is they will take the kids away from you, is it really worth it?
If you do not want your child to see her father, then you need to go to court to get a custody agreement and raise your concerns over him.

[BulliedMama]

They have not said anything about removing my son, in-fact quite the opposite. They know that would not be in his best interest and have said so. I think they mean they will just keep him on CP.

I find it ironic that they think to help a woman who’s gotten HERSELF out of an abusive relationship is to put her in another one.

[StormTreader]

"and neither of us want to get back together."

And what if he decides that now he does want to get back together? Every post you've made has been excusing his behaviour, you'll take him back in a heartbeat if he gives you a sob story. THATS why they want you to do the course.
It totally doesnt surprise me that his contact with his son is "arranged between ourselves", does SS know that he is having him unsupervised with no restrictions?

[HadronCollider]

I sympathise OP, but I personally speaking if there was a risk of my children being taken away from me, I would grit my teeth and do it, even if I just had to go through the motions. You may think you have 'closed that door' but by attending you will learn something you didn't know before. Even if you have moved on, it should help you feel stronger in yourself and give you a boost.

I cannot understand why, if you are faced with the risk of losing your children to the care system, you are refusing to comply, even under duress. Other people I know who have had unwilling contact with SS have jumped through all the hoops required in a bid to get them out of their lives as quickly as possible.

I think you may be minimising and or leaving out some crucial details here, sorry, or you'd just do it and get rid of the fuckers (I speak from your point of view).

[Mummyoflittledragon]

This is a hoop you have to jump through to ensure the safety of your children and yourself. And get SS off your back. Why resist it?

Do the programme and hopefully when you’ve done it, you’ll appreciate just how important it was in the first place.

[LIZS]

Why are you arranging his access? Does he have a court order? You should avoid direct contact with him, especially unsupervised. Ask ss to intervene if needs be.

[captainjacksparrow]

OP what do you want from this thread? You're not going to listen to the advice given and this may well end with your children being removed.

If you cant see why its relevant you are as big a risk to your dc as your exH tbh

[DistanceCall]

SS's primary concern is your children's wellbeing. They are not forcing you to do anything terrible, just take a programme.

You have taken an abuser back in the past. Can't you see how it's reasonable for them to be worried that you will do in again?

In SS's eyes, their main concern is not that your emotional well-being will impact your children. It's that you will allow an abuser back into their lives. And they're right.

[YorkieDorkie]

OP I'm sure these replies are hard for you to read but SS are correct in what they are doing. You've allowed your H to make your home unsafe by inviting him back after being convicted. They are right to think you're likely to do that again.

If you love your kids, you'll do whatever it takes to keep them safe. Do the program and learn from it.

[AdalindSchade]

AF that wouldn't help them to assess risk as no reports available for attendance or engagement

[BulliedMama]

Well, he can want all he likes....that would need the two of us to agree and that’s not going to happen.

[YorkieDorkie]

I find it ironic that they think to help a woman who’s gotten HERSELF out of an abusive relationship is to put her in another one.

Sorry but that's a ridiculous thing to say. SS are not abusing you in any way.

[WorraLiberty]

Why are you minimising it to a 'box ticking exercise'?

Many women go from one abusive relationship, straight into another.

You are about to give birth soon, and that (in the eyes of SS) could make you very vulnerable to getting yourself into another abusive relationship.

Just do the programme.

[Nannyplumssillyoldelf]

I don't see why you are so against it. It's a short course.

[BulliedMama]

That’s what I wanted AF, I don’t mind doing some DV work, just not the FP. I don’t know what they hope to achieve, the DV worker said that nothing is a guarantee, I could do all the courses in the works, if H wanted to force his way in and beat the shit out of me he could.

[KitKat1985]

Honestly in your circumstances I'd just do the freedom programme to keep SS happy, even if you don't really think it'll be useful (and to be fair, you won't really know if you will find it useful or not unless you try it). Most of us have to do things something just to 'tick the box' whether it be at work or in our personal life. I don't really know why you are so resistive to it.

[poddige]

OP. It's very simple (as it was very simple in a similar post last week)

You should put your DC first at all costs. Show SS you are doing everything to ensure their safety. If you don't, they won't leave you alone, because if you're not doing your parental duty of keeping them safe, they will have to.

Doing the Freedom Programme may just help you see this situation differently.

Stay safe. Put your children, and you, first. Arrange contact through SS. show willing. And try get out of the mindset that he isn't a bad person.

[Ohdearducks]

Just do it, stop arguing for the sake of it and just do it. Your non compliance is what’s keeping SS in your life, it’s 3 months which is nothing compared to life time of having social services out of your business!
Stop digging your heels in and do it, you’ll be surprised how much it can help you and help you recognise abusive traits in any men you may meet which in turn helps you protect yourself and your children from any further contact with these type of men.