The 'Taking a Break from Dating' Support Thread

[Biddylee]

Hello,

I need to take a break from dating - online or otherwise. Because although I'm prepared to get back on the horse and try again, I seem to be encountering the same mistakes.

So this is a space for those who need to take a break, need encouraging to stick with the break and NOT PANIC THAT ALL THE GOOD MEN/WOMEN HAVE LEFT THE PLANET while they are taking a break.

For those seeking some hand holding because they feel a bit drained by it all.

For those who came across a helpful article about being single and happy.

Thank you mememe That was what I needed to hear. What a difficult week it has been.

From a conversation from the dating thread:

Conscious relationship - something I'd like to aim for next time...

www.mindbodygreen.com/0-21277/the-4-qualities-of-a-conscious-relationship.html

Thanks Been

Following 😊

On paper my week has been horrible. But, I'm still standing!
I love that link Biddy.. the concept appeals to me greatly.

Going to read more on the subject.

I like this thread. Not too busy or unwieldy!

Hello all. Really fell off the wagon with NC. I'm not going to beat myself up about it. Sometimes these mistakes are part of the process of understanding myself and figuring out what's going on (not that I recommend falling off the wagon).

Funnily enough it makes me feel like I need to spend more time not dating and more time doing the things I need to do to feel whole again. But that might also be because I have had someone to talk to who I am very open with. And that means I'm not dealing with being alone and the grief of missing him.

It's complex.

Biddy you're right. Sometimes we have to go back over our mistakes to understand what happened and how we feel. But it does open those wounds again. Look after yourself. I'm here if you want to talk.

I went back on the apps and was having fun swiping with another single friend until I found Mr CP and the grief overwhelmed me completely. I thought I had almost moved past it. I also found out that he hadn't told any of his close friends about me.

Part of me wants to break NC to ask him why he kept me a secret and to make him tell me why he dumped me so suddenly with no explanation. I feel I can't move on until I know what went wrong because I'm scared of someone doing the same thing again.

Hi both...
Funnily enough I am back in contact with a dear friend, just this week.
We're two of a kind, however he's not available. We're not having a physical affair but it might be construed as emotional, in the sense that we have each others backs and accept each other.

We don't meet. Not seen him in two years. But I trust his opinion. He's no sycophant either.

I suppose he has helped keep me sane-ish. Like all things, it's complicated.

Suffice to say, I'd rather have him as a friend than not in my life at all. I've wondered whether we could make a go of it if we were ever to both be single. Truth is I've no idea...

Gosh I'm really waffling here.. hope you get the jist!

Happy Christmas you lot xx

Oh and runs, his decisions and choices are a reflection on him, not you.
He may never give you a straight answer, or one you are comfortable with.

For what it's worth I think it could be helpful to ask yourself
"What closure can he bring that I cannot choose to decide for myself?"
"Are there any guarantees out there when it comes to relationships?"
"What if anything, would I do to change how the relationship progressed, if I had my time again?"

Run I'm sort of alright with things at the moment. I am chatting to Mr FA but (asides from him mentioning he's not in a place to be in a relationship - which from observation is correct) I don't want to be in a relationship with him and I don't want to be in a relationship where I feel like I am sacrificing myself. I'm more determined to make sure I keep doing the stuff I like doing and not shape myself to fit someone else's needs. With Mr FA I only met a couple of his friends. I think he did mention me to some people but not his best friends (who happen to be female).

You can't always get closure and you can't predict how things will turn out. Keep grieving and keep looking forward. Allow yourself to be sad. Hold yourself tight and remind yourself that you will get through this and there are plenty of other better things out there - whether it's men or adventures or both!

(Must learn to take my own advice .

So ladies and any gentlemen reading, to those who contribute and those who lurk, wishing you a lovely Christmas tomorrow.

Merry Christmas everyone!

I wish I had read the wish words of advice above before I broke my 23days of NC with Mr CP to wish him a happy Christmas. That resulted in a short exchange of texts ending with me asking if we can meet for coffee. Since then I've heard nothing.
I don't know why I asked or what I expected but I suppose it confirms that his talk of us being friends was just that - talk.

But despite that I've actually had a nice day on my own so I've learnt that I can enjoy my own company.

Runs Glad to hear you are having a good day overall.

Yep -I don't like being on what's app with Mr FA. I remember why - it's seeing someone online but knowing they aren't wandering about you (Although that is a negative view point to take - it might be that they have been messaged, are dealing with that person but actually want to sit and do nothing). It's funny how much we read into other things that people do - often going for the negative approach or expecting people to behave the way we think we should or expecting people to have the same tools (including communication skills) to deal with things the way we do.

Also am reminded how much I resent(ed) his close female friends who I never met. Possibly because they didn't see the crap side of Mr FA. I got the impression they had no idea how problematic the drink is. To some extent I am projecting - maybe they do know.

I haven't heard from Mr FA today... I'm sort of hoping he will do his usual and run off into the other direction at some point.

My first date for Thursday has read my what's app message asking if it's still on. He's read it but not replied.
He's obviously going to cancel or not tell me at all.
He was very keen when we first text. I'm very confused..
What does everyone else think?

Sorry wrong thread ..

Mr CP finally replied to my offer of coffee to say that he'd thought about it and decided it wouldn't be a good idea. Then he asked what I wanted to talk to him about.
I told him that it was just coffee as he'd been the one to suggest we could be friends. Then I told him what I thought of him for dumping me without warning or explanation. I asked if he was ready to be honest with me about why he'd run away.
He hasn't replied which isn't very surprising. And it's given me the closure I needed.
I've got a few potential dates on OLD but I'm not rushing to get into anything yet.

Hey Runs...how are you feeling about the interaction? Am sure it was difficult to say those things but I'm confident it was the correct approach.
I think people need to have their silly behaviour called out. We're all too good at being cross/frustrated and then huffing. Me included.

Good woman x

Mememe I felt better until he replied yesterday. He said he hoped there was no hard feelings. He just decided that our relationship had run its course.
I've deleted his number and unfriended him on Facebook. What I said seems to made no impression on him.

for you. It's brutal and hurtful as all hell.
Most likely a fear in him he's projecting outwards...he's not worked out what it is yet. OR he's a knob. Either way, you're going to feel better soon.

These hiccups are little blips on the road to greater, I like to think...(and hope like mad!) x

Thanks Mememe it hurt that he said he'd decided we were finished. I got say in his decision. Still no explanation why or why he felt we couldn't discuss it.
I couldn't do what he did. Turn up with no warning and say this isn't working anymore but I can't say why and I still like you and want to be friends with you. And to say now, actually I don't even want to be friends. He seemed so nice and normal and acted like he wanted to be with me as much as possible.
It's like he woke up one morning and just decided to end it there and then. And that's what making me scared of getting close to someone else again. I'll get there eventually.
I'm chatting to someone I accidentally swiped on Tinder. He's in a similar position. Hopefully we're meeting next week but we've agreed it's as friends with no expectations of anything else.

Runs Sounds like he thought it would be too confrontational for him. I'm sorry you are left in limbo. It's difficult when they want to be friends but not want to have a relationship. I think time will help heal this wound and hopefully someone will come along who you feel able to open your heart to.

mememe How are things with you?

Well I ended up talking to Mr FA and letting off a lot of steam. I am determined to not sit on the things that bother me. I don't think I am unreasonable. I observed a few new things about him which I need to remember in my interactions with him. I also realised that one of the reasons that I am not ready for dating is I am not over him. No contact has been useful but I was sitting on a whole heap of feelings about him and that makes me unavailable. Anyway, that's my thoughts at the moment. I am still determined to focus on making my life better and working on me.

I'm grand. Getting used to feeling and accepting my emotions after years of bottling them up.
Roller coaster is an apt description!

I'm recognising that it takes balls to put oneself out there, and face the likelihood of rejection. Balls I don't have just now..(must find a more apt description than that..seems incorrect!!)

It's more than ok not to be ready. Every experience we have tells us more about ourselves. If we don't receive respect as an absolute minimum, then we've dodged a bullet I think.

We feel what we feel, we can turn the recognition of those feelings into lessons about boundaries and acceptance.

We still have worth and wonder in our hearts...our time will come.

Phew sorry for the essay!! Can't even blame the booze!

HNY everyone... 2018 will be easier. I'm pretty sure of it!
Best wishes from me x

Happy new year everyone.

I'm away visiting family at the moment so I thought I'd do a little experiment with Bumble.
Ladies, get yourself up to the north west now! So many gorgeous men who are obviously amazing photographers as well. Not a blurry photo in sight.
Er... except if you look at Tinder all the blurry, dodgy looking blokes are on there instead.
Not saying Bumble has fake profiles but.....

Whoops wrong thread but useful info if you need it in the future.

wrong side of the irish sea here...
V slim pickings ....