The 'Taking a Break from Dating' Support Thread

[Biddylee]

Hello,

I need to take a break from dating - online or otherwise. Because although I'm prepared to get back on the horse and try again, I seem to be encountering the same mistakes.

So this is a space for those who need to take a break, need encouraging to stick with the break and NOT PANIC THAT ALL THE GOOD MEN/WOMEN HAVE LEFT THE PLANET while they are taking a break.

For those seeking some hand holding because they feel a bit drained by it all.

For those who came across a helpful article about being single and happy.

Runs appella The meetup outings sound great. I have my name down for one of the film meetup and hope to get round to going at some point.

Well it seems I am seeing Mr FA. We spent lovely times together and he is someone I can be very open with. It is very much about taking one day at a time, talking to each other and keeping expectations grounded. And keeping it slow and gentle. It is a bit scary.

So that is nice but it shines a big light on how much dating and being a single parent really leaves little time for anything else. I need to keep making that space for me (and I am to some extent doing me things, just not as much as I would like).

How is everyone doing? I had a confidence fail and bottled out of the Meetup I was supposed to go to today. Partly because it was a meal out and I'm trying to spend less this month. But mostly that I got scared of meeting new people.

I had a coffee date yesterday and he was only a few years older than me but in life experience was much, much older. He had grandchildren older than my children. I felt old talking to him and that hasn't helped my confidence.

I've got another Meetup planned in a couple of weeks which is drinks and for new people only so I'm hoping that will be a better option for me. I have realised that I'm 51 this year, my kids will be leaving home in a few years and I'm unlikely to find anyone to live happily ever after with. So I need to find out how to enjoy my own company and get the confidence to make new friends.

Taking a break from dating to focus on my self care. After a string of relationship disasters which have cost me dearly - financially, mentally and emotionally, I need to re-evaluate myself and the kind of men I go for

Runs go to the meetup!! I finally braved my first on on Friday and it was sooooo fun talking to new people and I'm really glad I went

Hello everyone!

Runs it can be scary going to things on your own. You need to be in a good place energy wise to small talk. I am use to going to stuff on my own but it can be a real challenge not to recluse and sit quietly in the corner. And btw don't write yourself off. Who knows what life has planned for us. We perhaps need to measure ourselves not by the male/female relationships we have but by how content we feel. Look at what makes you happy (asides from relationships) and go and seek that out.

Appella That sounds great! When's your next one?

Well... I'm still with Mr FA. One month on. It's good. Trying not to let my head run away -whether that is planning into the future or worrying about the future. Things are very different from last time.

My big observation with this is how he adds to my contentment (which shows how much we can't underestimate the influence of a good connection with someone).

I am also still trying to adjust to the reduction in spare time. So with no 'boyfriend', I can do what I like with my spare time when dating, what happens in my spare time becomes a compromise. Still trying to figure out how to not wear myself out. Also I'm practicing stating my boundaries.

Change is all about little steps and being kind to yourself.

biddy I hope all continues to go well with Mr FA.

appella it's great that you went to a Meetup. There's another one here next weekend for new members only. So I'm going to try and get to that one.

I'm trying to tell myself that I don't need a relationship with a man but I miss having someone to cuddle and hold my hand. I'm getting out and doing things by myself. I went to the cinema alone. I've been for lots of walks. Sat in coffee shops reading and watching the world go by. But it's not the same as having someone special you can talk to and share some of your life with.

Hello everyone! How are things?

Well... I'm finding it a bit difficult at the moment. This time last year I was with Mr FA and it was when things started to go downhill and I can't help feeling its going to head the same way. It didn't help that he upset me the other day - he laughed at me, did an impression of me.. but then backtracked and said it was because what I did was so me. But it made me feel a bit shit and doubt myself. He then later on spent loads of time telling me how great I am (and kept saying outside of us, you're brilliant...the kind of words that don't fill me with confidence about being with him).

He's busy this month and I have lots of childcare so I can't see him too much but he's made no plans. I mentioned seeing him this weekend when I was free and he said yes but totally forgot and has made plans with his friend (this is while not arranging any time with me). He has said he'll cancel with his friend. But I feel like I'm chasing.

I'm also struggling in general and lacking mojo. I think being with someone can be draining. Possibly a bit of over investing isn't helping. Any ideas on how to get balance?

Hi Biddy sorry to hear you're in a bad place (or possibly sliding in that direction). You know I'm going to be direct don't you? He drained you last year and now he's doing it again. He's not a together bloke. A friend of mine used to say that some people are 'drains' and some are 'heaters'. Keep away from the ones that drain your energy and hang out with the ones that warm you up and make you feel good. Apart from sex and adult company what does he bring you? I'm three months into what I think I can now call a relationship. My man is always at the end of the phone. He's never once criticised me, mocked me, derided me or my choices, he's never made me feel small, he constantly tells me how lovely I am, wants to hold my hand or walk arm in arm with me when we're out. He warms me up and so far hasn't drained me. I've wobbled twice but that's because of my scars not his actions and I don't think he even knows. I'm not telling you this as a stealth boast but to give you a comparison of the sort of treatment I expect from a man.

So my question to you is based on a ratio like 80:20 - how much joy and heat does Mr FA really bring you vs him denting you, leaving you doubting yourself etc? Is it 80:20 where you feel great 80% of the time or is it 60:40 where you feel great 60% of the time? Is it 30:70 where you only feel good 30% of the time? Compare this to how you felt before you drifted back to him when you were really motivated on here. What's your tipping point? Mine's high. If I feel that I'm only happy and content about 70-80% of the time because a man is dragging me down I'm out of there.

When you do break away from him make sure it's for good this time. Block him for real and do the no contact cold turkey. You can't be his "friend" (he's no friend of yours, he's using you) as he's blocking you from moving on. I say it a lot but all the time he's taking up head space you can't even see a good man let alone let him into your life. Good luck. I do know how hard this is.

Hi Been Thanks for the response. Am bit under the weather so I've had no energy for anything. Mr FA didn't cancel with his friend in the end.

I think one of the reasons that I am finding it draining is I am not putting in my boundaries. Just little details that I need to raise and stick with. I have a very comfortable communication with Mr FA - we are pretty open about stuff - and when we are both open to each other, it's great. But I think somewhere along the line, he gets scared, shuts off and then things start to fall apart. He's gone quietish at the moment. I sent a very open and honest email trying to come from a place of love and acceptance as well as stating a few needs because we said we would keep talking.

We do have lovely times and lovely communications. I don't tend to doubt myself - that is if someone says something crap, I keep kicking my butt to remind myself it is one opinion - sometimes it doesn't take long for that to work, othertimes it might be awhile.

One point is I am starting to be aware of emotional triggers. This is helpful in owning feelings. And understanding and breaking down and giving myself some love and compassion.

I'm not sure how much joy and heat Mr FA brings to me - the other week I would have said lots but something changed.

I'm ill at them mo so can't think too clearly. Will report back though.

Hi Biddy

It's Been here with a bit of a name-change. Sorry you're poorly - I've dodged the bugs so far and hope my luck continues.

I'm glad you replied... sorry if I was too harsh. I have found that some people (including me) are really good at making positive changes when the whole endorphin-induced good vibes are flowing but once those chemicals die down the conscious relationship business has to take precedence. I think that addictive personalities (like Mr FA probably is) really struggle to stay interested at that point as the gloss has gone and it's back to the trudge of dealing with another human being and as they're generally running away from themselves with the addictive stuff having someone else to think about is too much for them. My recent ex (totally an FA) turned from this really engaging and interested man into someone who just moaned about being stressed the whole time and his solution was to isolate himself, moan and drink and I realised that's what he always did and had always done. He didn't have a quarter of the stress triggers I cope with and I'm very clear that I don't have 'rescuer' on my relationship CV. Luckily I don't have the people pleaser gene and I have heaps of the selfish gene so it makes these sorts of decisions easy for me even thiugh I suffer hugely during the aftermath of a breakup as I know the hurt will subside. On the flip side I have to suppress the selfish gene to make a relationship work once the glow's gone. Something that I've recently landed on as a result of Mr TC is that at our age (50s) both parties have to have realised that they have contributed to past relationship failures and have already done some work on identifying issues and fixing them. I think that the voluntary element of having done some self-analysis and made some changes is crucial.

Feel better soon!

Hi been Still a bit poorly... hooray for winter.

It's difficult with functioning alcoholics. Your experience sounds similar to mine. Mr FA has a straightforward life on a good wage and there's me juggling being a single mum but generally being in a fairly good place. I am stopping rescuing instincts because I don't want to go down that path. I mentioned before I think that I'm trying to put stuff from the past with him behind me which can be challenging because any signs of behaviour that reminds me of that and I'm quick to feel awful. My main goal is to be present and approach the time I have him as a moment for fun and happiness. Also keep boundaries in place and focus on meeting my needs and being the source of my own happiness. In a weird way because my head isn't so caught up (which is usually what happens if I start dating someone), I am having the chance to see how I behave and how to change that.

I like to see it all as a work in progress.

Really glad it's going well with Mr TC.

Dear All, I'm bumping this thread to give myself a kick up the arse and ban myself from dating sites! I've just cancelled a Tinder date for tonight because I can't bring myself to go through with another potential letdown.
A couple of times recently I've started to be curious about dating, gone back on a site and started chatting to people, then decided I can't go through with it. Its just not fair to waste people's time. I think I've got dating burnout.
Maybe one day I will meet someone IRL, online just isn't working for me and I need to remember that.