The 'Taking a Break from Dating' Support Thread

[Biddylee]

Hello,

I need to take a break from dating - online or otherwise. Because although I'm prepared to get back on the horse and try again, I seem to be encountering the same mistakes.

So this is a space for those who need to take a break, need encouraging to stick with the break and NOT PANIC THAT ALL THE GOOD MEN/WOMEN HAVE LEFT THE PLANET while they are taking a break.

For those seeking some hand holding because they feel a bit drained by it all.

For those who came across a helpful article about being single and happy.

SerialMistakeMaker it's going well. She is lovely and totally beautiful inside and out. She is not needy, gives me my own space and takes things at my space. There is something about her that makes me feel she is 100% safe and trustworthy. The only problem is I am not feeling the bond with her. Hopefully something will grow as I get to spend time and know her better.

meowimacat attraction is an odd thing isn't? And arguably not healthy for us sometimes. I think maybe we have to look at fixing our self not to repeat the mistakes of the past. I know others seen tgings in my ex wife that may I didnt/chose not to see.

The dating game is hard. I know everyone had different experiences but on the whole I enjoyed my marriage and life as a complete family. But the world is so different now and just trying to find my way. It's not easy is it?

Easier said that do but you need to give your self a break all of you. Your worst enemy is you self esteem. Easier said than done. 2 years ago I hit rock bottom and felt so worthless. Your not and as soon as I realised I wasn't everything else picked up too.

1DAD I'm glad it's going well for you. It's a shame you're not feeling a bond yet but hopefully as you said it will come.

I feel like I definitely need to work on my self worth for a while I realise that I need to make these changes for me and not because of a man.

I think it's right what peole say about needing to love yourself first

Thanks all :)

I think part of the healing process is identifying the triggers that create tension and stress within us... (and that is true of everyone walking this earth) and learn to manage them differently. to stop being cross with ourselves and show compassion.

Part of me wonders if my 'fat suit' is my defence against the world. Its my uncomfortable comfort zone?

I know id make a great partner.... Im inquisitive, kind, generous, not clingy etc etc. Just a matter of fine tuning the other bits.

In a lot of ways we are learning to be ourselves again, to think/plan and live as a solo unit. Putting ourselves back together.

Thats no bad thing.... and when i think of the arseholes i encountered OLD (not all of course) I'm not missing a thing!!

Currently listening to James Morrison/Nelly Furtado - Broken Strings... so true and makes me well up, every time.

I’m in with this. I went on a date at the weekend and it just made me realise I don’t want to date, am not ready to date and actually need to not do dating.

101trees Hope you find some time to figure out what it was that wasn't working. Sometimes I think our minds are quite good at fooling us that something is pretty good when some other part is saying NO WAY!

1DAD Sorry you aren't feeling a bond. Hope that appears. The guy I saw recently (Mr Young Man mentioned in the dating thread) Well I didn't bond with him. Like we got on well but his lack of interest in me and genuine care about my well being (although I'm sure he did care) meant that I didn't open up to him - there was never the right time - or he'd change the subject. And so I didn't bond.

Mememe

Try Loving kindness meditation - look on you tube - you can find a ten minute version. I think we can find kindness for ourselves and others. Learning to be ourselves (act with integrity) and love ourselves (so we can stand up for ourselves), puts us in a better position to enjoy single life nad be available to the right person.

Hi Offred Welcome!

Found this great article from Baggage Reclaim:

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/48-ideas-for-increasing-emotional-availability-breaking-harmful-relationship-patterns/

I am taking a look at these different ideas and will let you know how I get on!

That’s a great article biddy! Baggage reclaim is great...

Great link... It's a brilliant reminder to us that we aren't powerless, we can shape and influence too.
Thanks for this thread

Good Ted Talk

101 Hi, come join us!!

I think it's a good thing that you can identify that maybe you're not ready. I thought I was ready but then getting shit on made me realise that maybe I'm not lol

Like you said OLD is a tough old world!! lol

Bookmarking to read this later tonight and adding to x

Has anyone else been reading reading some of the other threads?

There's A LOT of terrible threads about people being cheated on and catching their other half texting another woman. That one made me feel particularly sick as its something that I worry about if getting into a new relationship, how do you know they're not still talking to someone else?

I guess it's still a worry no matter how long you've been in a relationship, but it scares the hell out me

Serial Whether you met them online, or down the pub, there is always a risk that the person in your life is make eyes at others. Of course it's easier now.

I think you still have to go out there with an open heart and a willingness to walk away if shit does happen. Worrying that it might happen is a waste of energy. And will make you not be enjoying your relationship.

Of course I find this easy to right but I have wibbly wobbly boundaries and have put up with amazing poo from guys ( not literally poo!!)

So my mission is to strengthen boundaries, to remind myself why I'm great and then at some point if I feel like it, get back out there.

And remember each failed dating session, failed short or long relationship gives you an opportunity to reflect and see how you can grow - was it you? Was it them? Were you not just right for each other?

tinybuddha.com/blog/failed-relationships-arent-actually-failures-5-lesons-love-doesnt-last/

Yy I agree.

I’m not scared of being cheated on. It’s happened before to me. I know it’s not my fault.

I watched the ted talk and apart from thinking ‘fuck my family are shit and I don’t have any friends!’ I just realised it’s not at all that i’m In a bad place within myself or that I have negative feelings about relationships per se. I think i’m a really awesome person, I always go into dates thinking about trying them on for size not worrying whether they will be into me etc I’m not scared of getting hurt or being vulnerable, I just don’t really want the complications of considering someone else just now...

Offred It's sounds like you are in a good place. Enjoying your own company and seeing what that brings sounds great. There are lots of ways to develop friendships and meet people...

I'm trying to figure out what I want from a relationship because I actually like a fair amount of my own time but I think I need to get it clear in my head what I expect. I need some time on my own to give the brain a shake.

Quick practical tip:
I have joined Borrowmydoggy.com and a local branch of the Ramblers.
So I am doing some dog sitting, and on child free weekends, going walking.
Both great ways to get fresh air and exercise and meet new people.
Costs very little and you don’t need to be super fit.
I find it makes me feel a whole lot better and totally recommend both of these for single people.

I think it’s hard to know what you want without trying things on for size TBH.

I think it takes meeting someone lovely and either realising ‘yeah, i’d want x from this person’ or ‘actually, lovely as you are I just CBA’

Some great thinking here everyone. We shouldn't be afraid to be single. We can do good work on our boundaries mememe I'm talking to you and affirm our greatness from within.
Then we can take or leave whatever doesn't feel right for us. We won't need to people please, or be afraid of asserting ourselves.

Brilliant 😄

Just reading all your posts. I am in a similar position. Was with husband for a long time, two small kids. Dated someone for the guts of a year after him and it didn’t work out. Parts of him were just amazing and then parts were just red flags ahoy. He called me a few names (said I deserved them) just was a bit mean. I miss the good him but I realise that he’s not good for me.
I am the sole parent so my time is limited (ie non existent) between work etc.
I’m going to try and focus on me ... I don’t know if I know how though given issue of time etc? Maybe just early nights for a bit, doing some nails and stuff..
Might try meditation/maybe sewing.,,,

Ruby Great ideas - tell us how it goes. I have a talk to go to at the end of the month, a possible comedy night or gig with friends, another invite to a birthday celebration. I think I want to make sure I get out and do some of the things I like. My childcare is a little awkward so I'm not sure I can do long walks. :(

offred I do think dating is a really good learning tool - about myself and what I want. And also helping me establish boundaries. And it has revealed a bit more about the things I'd like from a relationship.

Doing One of my relationships this year was someone I seemed to bond with really well but he was a functioning alcoholic with no real desire for a relationship - took me a while to figure that out. In regards to focusing on your self, early nights, pamper nights, watch your favourite films, do some fun cooking (it can be quite a mindful practice), lots of meditation to have a go at online. What sort of things do you sew? I have lots of book marks for some great online items. Also if you are stuck at home, invite some friends or other mums over for a couple of hours for a glass of wine or tea and cake afternoon.

Good article in The Guardian. Seems we're not the only ones with OLD fatigue!

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/nov/04/hookups-sexting-unwanted-threesomes-first-time-dating-age-tinder

Good article.

I've felt much better being single this week. I think I was really worn out by everything - I still am. So I am really focusing on having fun on my own.

I aim to not do dating for a month. And will see how I fair from there.

Anyone doing anything exciting this weekend?