The 'Taking a Break from Dating' Support Thread

[Biddylee]

Hello,

I need to take a break from dating - online or otherwise. Because although I'm prepared to get back on the horse and try again, I seem to be encountering the same mistakes.

So this is a space for those who need to take a break, need encouraging to stick with the break and NOT PANIC THAT ALL THE GOOD MEN/WOMEN HAVE LEFT THE PLANET while they are taking a break.

For those seeking some hand holding because they feel a bit drained by it all.

For those who came across a helpful article about being single and happy.

Biddy that sounds very positive.

I've got a lack of work and a whole weekend child-free which means I have too much time alone thinking about exes.

Runs Last time I had lots of time to myself I went to the cinema on my own in the west end. A little pricey but great seats - a few hours of escapism. I also went to a comedy night on my own. Having an evening of laughing was good for the spirit. Sign up for a day creative course? (check funzig, eventbrite and Londonist for things to do)
Look at meetup - might be something on? A weekend is a long time. More cleaning?

Thanks Biddy I can't face a weekend of cleaning!

I've just signed up to meetup so will have a look if there is anything on this weekend. Just a little scared of going out on my own!

I really enjoy doing things on my own. I relax and enjoy that experience. It is a good way to meet new people. If you go with mates, it's easy to not talk to anyone else. I hope you find something for the weekend!

Hello all!
I'm facing a child free weekend too... but am knackered so will probably snooze/watch Master Chef...

Been reading this www.thebookoflife.org/how-to-get-over-someone/

Some fascinating reading...quite. challenging at times, trying to figure out what the eff to do..
For me, I'm seriously concerned that my expectations are skewed, that I didn't try hard enough (objectively Im pretty sure I did..but who am I to say whether it was a mature compassionate effort that was needed, or whether it was sthg else entirely....that's the maddening thing)

I'm off to boil my head 😵

Good morning!

How is the weekend Mememe Runs I hope you have both found things to do. Mine is good so far.

Struggling a little bit about Mr Functioning alcoholic. I really do not want to date him in no shape or form and I know there is something better for me along the line but he keeps popping into my head.

Thanks for the link mememe Us ladies need to learn to not beat ourselves up when things go wrong. I tried my best. I am easy going, I am understanding and I was open. We can only be who we are - and that's the good and bad stuff - just like the person we are dating is only who they are. Most of the men aren't beating themselves up about why their relationship went wrong. They just move on.

Hi biddy I'm actually doing ok which has surprised me. Yesterday evening was a bit tough as it seemed to drag on for hours. In the end I went to bed early with a good book.
That link from mememe really helped. I thought I'd found someone who was a perfect match for me. But I wasn't for him. It will probably always bug me that he couldn't say why. But there's nothing I can do about that. It's just hard when they keep popping into your thoughts.

Runs That's great news. I'm glad you are surviving the weekend well!

It does seem that getting over someone takes time. I know when I was distracted with Mr Young Man I didn't think about Mr Functioning Alcoholic. However I don't want to date at the moment. So the distraction option is out of the question for the time being.

Hello! How have people been this week? Still NC? Still resisting dating?
I had a little moment of wanting to check online and see what's out there but then I was like, no I'm enjoying my time to myself. A fairly quiet week but next week is pretty social!

Hi Biddy sounds like you have a good week coming up. Well done for resisting and not going online.

So far I've stayed NC. As we agreed to be friends (but I said he needed to make the effort) I decided I couldn't unfriend him on facebook. But that means I can see he has been on and off there constantly since he dumped me. Which tells me he is messaging someone on there, as no one would be on there every day and every hour or so. So much for us being honest with each other!
(I've got a couple of business pages on there so I am on facebook quite a bit)

I'm going to see a friend tomorrow to help her set up an OLD profile. I might do one as well, just so we can compare messages.

Runs Sounds like you are keeping busy. i would have unfriend on facebook . I don't want to know how quickly they recover from it all

Mr functioning alcoholic text me last night. I did vaguely chat. I do miss him but I don't want to go there. I know what happens. I will go back to ignoring him. Let's see what toys get thrown out of the pram when he realises I am ignoring him.

It sounds like you are keeping strong about him Biddy - not getting drawn into too much contact.

I found Mr Commitment Phobe on Tinder last night. I swiped right but we haven't matched. I guess he would also see me on there and think I have moved on. Very tempting to message him but then I realise I don't have anything to say. We will just end up having a friendly chat and I'll be back to missing him again and wondering why he left.

I need to be a bit stronger. Already Mr Functioning alcoholic has invited me over and then chased a bit when I have ignored him or said no. For some reason it still hurts thinking about what went on between us so it's not been long enough for me to just be a friend.

Hopefully he'll find someone else to occupy his time.

Stay strong Runs one day we will look back and this will be far behind us.

Biddy why are you engaging with him? I don't do the whole 'friends with an ex' thing. It's too easy to fall into bed with an ex and end up in this weirdly dysfunctional fuckbuddyish role which hinders any moving on. An ex is an ex for a reason. Either because they're not a good enough human to be my lover; in which case they don't measure up to being my friend or they've done some quite cruel and thoughtless things that I wouldn't tolerate from a friend...

Been You are right. I don't actually want to be his friend. I do need to stop engaging with him. Thank you (needed that gentle shoulder shake).

It's the lonely bit of me engaging I think. He was my first relationship after coming out of a dead sexless unemotional 8 year relationship. I got offered emotions and sex. I know this will all pass. And if I get caught up with him it stops me being able to move on.

You need to figure out how to sort out that lonely bit of you then. When I'm in healing mode that bit of me stays out of the equation because I know that's when I make shit decisions and I'll contemplate a rose tinted relationship with any loser. I just remind myself of some of the hilariously unsuitable twats I've engaged with and my lonely bit runs and hides! This time round I tested my readiness to get back in the saddle with a couple of dates and I knew that my heart wasn't in it. I've learned to really listen to myself.

My recent ex (my very own functional alcoholic) kept on trying to engage with me. I'd reply with one sentence. He eventually asked if my therapist had instructed me to only use one sentence! I told him I was protecting myself and I never heard from him again. Sometimes I hope he'll appear in my in-box but that's just my ego talking. I'd never pick up with him because he's so damaged which in turn damages me. I'm not a masochist.

I think there are few things that I need a look at: dealing with loneliness, dealing with my ego and dealing with lack of sex. The loneliness isn't too bad as I'm often busy parenting and I am feeling very much the introvert at the moment. And the thought of dating makes me feel a bit terrified which suggests not doing it is the right thing at the moment. The ego - well a bit of me likes to be chased - don't we all - but I need to sit the ego down and have a word. And the lack of sex - well it's not too bad at the moment - I just need to not be tempted into making bad decisions. I have crazy mid-forties hormones.

I like the one sentence option. I think my Mr Functioning alcoholic isn't bothered about how I feel -he was always telling me he wasn't responsible for how I react to things (which is correct) so it doesn't matter if I have feelings - that's not his problem. However, he doesn't have the kindness to step away because he wants his ego stroked.

Holy fuck Biddy being told that he's not responsible for my feelings would make me stratospherically angry. How selfish and sick. How very teflon-coated too. So if he stabbed you he wouldn't be responsible for the fact that you bleed? And you tolerate this egotistical self-centred twat because he has a penis? Sorry but that infuriated me to read. Block him. Just block him. And get angry. That is an outrageous statement. Would you say it to someone? Would you be thoughtless and cruel and then say: "sorry mate, it's not my problem how you feel"? No. You wouldn't. If one of your kids came home from school crying because he'd been called names would you say: "don't cry darling and make sure you're nice to Johnny tomorrow. It's not Johnny's fault that his words hurt you".

I am fucking incensed by this sort of abdication from responsibility.

I felt angry for ages. Not quite sure where that anger has gone. I know a lot of the time I was with him I was blaming myself and from that looking to improve how I reacted to things. Both guys I dated this year have really made me doubt myself.

Biddy if he can't step away from you then you need to step away from him. Block him. Don't let him contact you again. He sounds like a very selfish person who can only think about himself.

Don't doubt yourself because some guy can't deal with someone else's feelings. You're a great person. You've helped lots of us on here with your wise words and helpful links.

And I repeat everything been says as well.

oh Biddy he sounds so manipulative x

today and this past week i have been mostly convinced that i will never ever have sex again. that no man will ever want me. that i'm too damaged and not enough of a 'catch'

even if i lost a tonne of weight, id still be skint, over 40 with three kids.

it feels like the worst punishment. the biggest ever 'fuck you' imaginable.

i know only too well that i probably project this attitude and that its counter-productive but i am bloody stuck. horribly so.

funny thing is.... the smallest acts of kindness make me tearful. how has it happened that i feel so undeserving of this?

being deliberately vague here... I met someone through work.. a few months ago. i remember thinking this person was nice. we have chatted about all sorts of work-related but also generic life-type stuff during very infrequent get togethers.

last week it came to light that they had remembered something i said yonks ago, and had thought of me (it was presented to me very quietly and casually and in a non-showy way okitwasaman)

it really touched me. so much. i'm not used to that kind of treatment at all. shall watch this space.

Runs Thank you. :) I've had a quiet afternoon to myself and along with the wise words on here, I am feeling stronger.

Thank you to those reading and responding - it is actually helping me process the last year.

Mememe It's easy once you hit your 40s to start to think that this is it, this is the end. And then examine yourself to look for character flaws. It isn't over. As you are aware, it really important to be aware of what you are projecting. But before this, a bit of kindness to yourself needs to fall into place. What do you feel are your attractive points? Make the most of those. I don't have much cash. Buy second hand - treat myself to the occasional hair colour and cut. I wear what flatters me. I try and get our to do something that interests me. It's working on making all the things that are you, physically and mentally, appear to be at their best. More for yourself than anything else. None of this is an overnight fix. Gratitude journals and positives from your day - acknowledging small achievements are a good way to turn things around.

It's really nice that someone did something kind for you. It might be good to notice all the times people treat you kindly (not just this bloke). Hope you have a good week.

Thank you.... I want to work smarter than I have before. I AM working smarter, just need to apply it more frequently.

You're kind too.... thank you

Something that might be useful to people is a website called Daily Om. I get a daily inspirational thought sent to my inbox from their website. Sometime it's just food for thought - sometimes it's a bit too hippy for me (stuff about angels). But there are good bits of info there.

And this is my lesson from the weekend:

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/sometimes-persistence-is-boundary-busting-pestering/

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/no-contact-why-you-need-to-keep-your-proverbial-door-closed-even-when-they-try-to-break-it-down-by-any-means-necessary/