The 'Taking a Break from Dating' Support Thread

[Biddylee]

Hello,

I need to take a break from dating - online or otherwise. Because although I'm prepared to get back on the horse and try again, I seem to be encountering the same mistakes.

So this is a space for those who need to take a break, need encouraging to stick with the break and NOT PANIC THAT ALL THE GOOD MEN/WOMEN HAVE LEFT THE PLANET while they are taking a break.

For those seeking some hand holding because they feel a bit drained by it all.

For those who came across a helpful article about being single and happy.

Got too drunk last night and wasn't very nice - have apologised profusely but being ghosted by DP. We were supposed to be spending he day together because it's been a week since I saw him. Pretty sure it's all over. Hand hold please - how do I see that him ghosting me and inevitably following this with a break up is POSITIVE? He can't care all that much if he is going to punish me like this and not say a word. And this isn't the first time he's done this to me (previously not even promoted by anything)...

appella how are you doing today? Did you hear from him?
If he has form for doing this, then maybe it is time to step away. Take some time for yourself. Try not to over analyse what's happened and what you did.
There's some great links further up this thread that are worth looking at.

Still not a word. I'm spiralling between utter heartbreak that we would go from perfect Xmas to New Years break up so unexpectedly, but then also the sad realisation that he probably isn't worth my heartbreak if he is going to ignore me for days when he must know I feel so guilty and ashamed and worried about how things are between us.

Please can I join? Just finished with a complete headfuck of a guy I was seeing for 6 months. First person I've been involved with since ending my 15 year marriage. Really thought we had something good, but found out lots of unsavoury things about his past, and had an epiphany recently when I realised pretty much everything he told me was a lie. Shaken up, but feel like I've dodged a bullet - it could have been so much worse. I don't want to post details as it's probably outing, but I'm definitely very fortunate to have escaped unscathed now.

First instinct was to get straight back into online dating, but I really need to focus on me and the DC at the moment. 2017 was too much to deal with emotionally and I'm far too vulnerable to get into any kind of relationship. Hoping this thread will help me remember that when I'm tempted by the lure of OLD again! Have deleted OLD accounts too.

Off to read the thread properly now - hope everyone's doing ok

Welcome welcome!

Sounds like you have indeed dodged a bullet :) Good for you for realising things weren't right and taking action.

I deleted all apps and found it quite easy. Maybe because i'm so fat I believe (d) that no one would want me, and that got in the way of my actively wanting to meet people and be proud of myself and take chances.

I have a very hard road ahead and have no idea how on earth i will manage it. I know i am vulnerable and am frightened i have a great big beacon flashing on my head saying "Wankers this way"

Fundamentally i don't think i have anything to offer. Very little money, 3 kids, wrong side of forty, fat (although working on that) - see, there's nothing of note or worth that i can bring to a mutually beneficial relationship. As long as i believe that, i will remain a bad bet, not only for myseslf but for any future partner.

OLD is just to much for me right now. I am in a very small pond too, which doesn't help.

Hi everyone. How are you all doing?

Things are still a bit complex for me as I'm still speaking to Mr FA... really couldn't see that coming when I started this thread. Life is full of surprises.

Anyway, my thing this year is to focus on doing things that I enjoy and putting myself in the centre of my life. So yes that means meeting my responsibilities to my child and my job but overall making sure I am looking after myself not trying to bend and shape myself for other people. So this also means not waiting around to see what someone else says but just signing on the dotted line and doing things on my own, with friends or whoever. It's about saying I'm tired and I want to stay indoors. It's about saying you know I don't have the time for this, I need to say no. It's about saying I don't really like that band, perhaps take a friend who does... I know these are a range of examples but it's about finding me again - what I love, what makes me smile and then perhaps I won't get lost in someone again.

I hope that makes sense.

Ladies, we can get there if we make our happiness central to our lives.

Great post! I concur wholly!!

I couldn't have put it better myself. These are my aims too.
Me. What's good for me. Letting go. Carrying this weight is like holding on to the past, the old, sad me.
I'm more than that, we all are.

I'm about to read the whole thread now. I'm joining. I've had enough of dating. I've no urge to do it any more. I just feel that I've got better things to do, to put it bluntly.

It seems to mess with my head and upset my equilibrium. I don't want anyone in my house and I don't want anyone criticising my life, or telling me what to do. I don't want to share my life or my children's life. I don't want to be let down, hurt, betrayed, judged, compared to other women or viewed as a sexual object

Can I join? I don’t really want to give up but for my sanity I think I need to.

I was so excited about the possibilities when I started OLD but it’s been a disaster for me. Everyone I’ve got close to has hurt me in different ways from those who get physical then disappear to those who are clearly married to those with massive issues (2am phonecall saying he’s going to kill himself) to the final straw which was a guy who I’m 99% sure is a scammer and I’m incredibly relieved to have got out before anything serious happened although that 1% of me still wants to believe he was for real.

I’m not sure why I have attracted such a bunch but it’s left me so low and hurt - I feel stupid for believing the lies, cheap for taking things to a physical level but most of all so sad. I’m desperate for affection and to have had a taste of kindness and closeness and compliments is almost worse than not having had it at all.

I’m particularly sad tonight and tbh scared as well after this latest encounter. Feel like I want to report it (to who?) but as I didn’t actually hand over any money and only minimal details I don’t think anyone would be interested.

I think it’s best I step away from the whole thing for a while but the thought of no messages lighting up my screen and my life is utterly depressing.

Please feel free to vent and articulate your hopes and hurts. We're fab here.
Not necessarily posting every day but check in frequently.

All the best

Hello all

Biddy you sound like you're in a better place than you were a few weeks ago. Your post makes a lot of sense to me and I need to do something similar.
I always feel like I have to be busy but at the same time I have too much to do. I need to stop sometimes and tell myself it's ok to have time doing nothing, watching crap tv or having a nap in the afternoon because I'm tired.

I'm dabbling a bit with OLD, mainly to keep a friend company but I've given myself rules about time spent swiping and messaging. If it's not convenient for me then I don't do it.

And then Mr CP messaged me last night. Sort of my fault. I found something that belonged to him. He obviously hadn't missed it so there was no need to return it but I did. I left it outside his house with a note explaining I'd just found it and also not to contact me as I didn't want him to feel he had to send a thank you text.
But he did anyway. Just a short "thank you, wondered where that had gone". I haven't replied even though I want to. I told him I was deleting his phone number and FB so I wouldn't contact him again. But he has kept mine which has set me off wondering why.

Day five of no contact with my (ex?) boyfriend. Feeling grand. Missing him a lot, want him here with me, but also this silence is making me see what a shitty communicator he is - is that someone I want to marry? Have kids with? Will be disappear for days leaving us all home without him when we have an argument?

Biddy, your post puts it so well - exactly how I feel right now, and what I'm aiming for. Spent years ignoring my own needs because of everyone else's (alcoholic DH, 2 autistic kids, sister with severe mental health issues). Kicked DH out a year ago, and got into OLD 5 or 6 months later - far, far too soon, on reflection. Meant I was much too vulnerable when I met recent ex, and ignored red flags which I should have heeded. I've lost myself in all of this mess, and need to remember who I am again. Cheesy, but I've bought myself a ring which I love and wearing it every day is helping - it has real forget-me-not flowers encased in resin - a good reminder to be true to myself.

@flyingsoloflyingfree - have we escaped the same man?! My recent ex from OLD turned out to be a scammer with a particularly unsavoury past. I'm also feeling very very scared and shaken up by all I've found out about him. I've escaped unscathed other than my mental health which has taken quite a battering But I'm pretty sure others haven't been so lucky. It's terrifying to realise that pretty much everything he said was specifically meant to deceive and manipulate me - and he seemed so utterly genuine. It's so scary, isn't it? Hope you're ok

Just amusing myself with this idea - why can't OLD sites be more like Facebook? As in being able to comment on users' profiles? Had the idea after chatting with a friend who saw her DC's dad on one of the dating sites. Apparently he'd said his kids were "his world and mean everything to him", when in real life he hadn't been arsed with them for months, and only when it suited him. She said she wished she could have commented underneath with something like "oh really? I'll make sure I remind them who you are, then" The scammer guy I was seeing for a while is back online already - I so badly wish I could comment on his profile warning other women off - he's such a nasty piece of work, who is so very intelligent, manipulative and deceitful

Hope everyone is doing well and continuing to look after yourself. i had an excellent and busy weekend, some times with friends and times with family doing things I enjoy. Also trying to book at least one thing a week that is very me. Taking up some hobbies to do at home that keep my head chilled and busy.

I am still keeping my guard up with Mr FA but have found that his presence is keeping me away from online dating and also I am managing to focus on putting me back into my life. He's actually talking about giving up drinking... who knows if that is said for my benefit. Anyway... this doesn't mean that there is a future relationship between us.

I can't remember if I put this article here before:

www.nytimes.com/guides/well/how-to-be-happy

There are a number of other guides to look at... always worth finding an interesting tip. I think something I have reflected on over the last few weeks is that there is an amazing number of articles about life on the internet, many tackling the same subject but offering contradictory solutions. Sometimes I have found myself obsessing for answers that offer solutions that fit my problem in the way I want it to play out. I think (and this applies to my situation) that it is easy to feel stressed and anxious when you feel you are not listening to what the advice articles suggest you should do. There is a lot of truth in the idea of repeating mistakes til you figure out how to correct them. Sometimes that's tough.

Great post Biddy. Very true about advice, and the inevitable anxiety that comes with it!

Sounds like you had a healthy and constructive weekend!
(Menememe here with a name change)

We're over a quarter of the way through January... good progress one and all...

Great post as always Biddy.

I was on my own last weekend so I went for a long walk, stopped for a coffee and read my book. Then on Sunday I got some jobs done round the house and took a couple of hours to just sit and read and google some other places to go for a walk.

This is something I wouldn't have done before as I've always felt I should be doing something constructive and time just for myself to lazy was just that - being lazy. But I felt so much better on Monday that I've promised myself I will do something similar each time I'm on my own.

One week of NC with Mr CP. But despite deleting his number he still appears in my Whatsapp list. And I can still see some FB stuff if he's tagged by friends of mine. Seems like I can't get rid of him completely.

I'm dabbling with OLD but every time someone seems a bit keen I start finding excuses to back away. I should probably leave it alone but I also find that just exchanging a few friendly messages with someone is helping me forget Mr CP and helping me understand what I need (or don't need) in my life.

Hi Everyone

Im assuming we're all female, but if not, I daresay the sentiments are the same in reverse...
I read this poem and it made me cry. Silent, long tears that caught my breath... I hope you like it. Its by Michael Reid.
------------------
Dear Woman,
Sometimes you’ll just be too much woman.
Too smart,
Too beautiful,
Too strong.
Too much of something that makes a man feel like less of a man,
Which will make you feel like you have to be less of a woman.
The biggest mistake you can make
Is removing jewels from your crown
To make it easier for a man to carry.
When this happens, I need you to understand
You do not need a smaller crown—
You need a man with bigger hands.”

Soso that's beautiful and so true.It made me cry as well. I'm very guilty of "removing jewels" but I'm learning from my mistakes.

This weekend I've booked myself on a lunch and evening out with a couple of Meetup groups. And I've bought a ticket for a charity night of comedy and music. All happening in the next couple of weeks.
I'm taking a big deep breath and doing all of them on my own. This is a big deal for me as I find socialising in groups quite hard and stressful. I'm much more confident one to one.

good for you. you're braver than me. or maybe just closer to ready? not to say you're not brave .. .more that i'm still brave even if i don't do the meetups here.

im still figuring out if i like groups or more quiet interactions...my ex was/is a real extrovert and i have negative associations with it still. Im sure it will pass though.

we need to remember we are already good enough... :)

signed up to OLD very much in a 'don't want to meet anyone just be reassured people exist out there' way - a guy asked me out for a drink and PANIC - definitely not what I want right now....

Runs I'm going to my first meet up this weekend and a couple next week too! Go us!

appella hope the meet up's go well. My first one is this Sunday but it's lunch so I'm thinking that can't go too wrong.

I'm looking at OLD as well but not getting any interest.
Can you just go for a drink and see it as meeting a new friend, rather than a date? Or maybe suggest a day time coffee instead. Sometimes just getting past that first hurdle of meeting someone new, as a friend or date, can help you work out how you feel.

Oh goodness don't be so hard on yourself. It's ok to change your mind and dip your toe back into OLD. But if you're not looking for anything serious be honest and upfront with the person you're meeting - reduces any confusion further down the line.

I'm adopting a "fuck it" attitude this year - life is for living enjoy yourself