The 'Taking a Break from Dating' Support Thread

[Biddylee]

Hello,

I need to take a break from dating - online or otherwise. Because although I'm prepared to get back on the horse and try again, I seem to be encountering the same mistakes.

So this is a space for those who need to take a break, need encouraging to stick with the break and NOT PANIC THAT ALL THE GOOD MEN/WOMEN HAVE LEFT THE PLANET while they are taking a break.

For those seeking some hand holding because they feel a bit drained by it all.

For those who came across a helpful article about being single and happy.

Biddy... that sounds lovely! What are your hobbies..?
I had a great day with the kids. And actually a relaxing night last night.

Mememe, done be so hard on yourself. Most of us who find ourselves single now probably also think this. I know I do but then I remember that I love being part of a two, I am taking this time now to evaluate why I did certain things in relationships, thinking about what I need to work on..
Trusting is my massive downfall. BUT that being said, I firmly believe you have to trust you inner voice. Trust that your inner voice is protecting you.

thanks both! flat as anything right now...

how do you hear your inner voice? i think that mine is very cross with me and I get that i need to change the record.

Trust in myself i guess. fuck thats gonna be tough. As good old Bonnie Tyler once sang
" every now and then i get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by"

re kindness - i cant hope to attract an emotionally mature, well adjusted man if i dont behave in that way myself. As I am a fat slob, that just screams "emotionally immature lady here" to any gentleman who might otherwise like my mind. IMO - I dont think that about others.....

self-sabotage is at maximum level and i dont know why i do it. its nuts and illogical.

mememe Sending lots of positive vibes across the internet. Self sabotaging is horrible and usually the voice of someone in the past - critical friends, critical family and often those are the people's opinions who you care for the most.

You don't sound emotionally immature, you sound pretty self aware. So let's call you voluptuous, self aware young lady - that sounds better?

Doing I do bit of history research as my hobby. So much amazing stuff online - also good for family tree stuff. As I feel pretty worn out at the moment, it's something I can do without putting out too much energy.

Sounds like you are having a good weekend. Mine has been good too. I'm enjoying my alone time.

thanks - voluptuous and self-aware - both true :)
thank you Biddy im so sick of feeling this way that i feel i have finally hit my point of no return.

The only way is up (apart from the scales which will be the opposite!!)

Me and my late 8-'s references... perhaps they dislike my music tastes!

I’d agree with Biddy. You def don’t sound emotionally immature, but low self esteem maybe? Which I struggle with. And you know, that can be generated from pple as well as society and yourself. For example, some people who I would be close to and love and find them great, would be “negative” in their thinking, in certain ways and so I just don’t consult them on things that would be not risky but like where they would say no. ( sorry I’m not explaining this very well) past relationships can be a massive influence too, it’s just realising what’s true ( ie that you can be selfish) against what’s just wrong ( eg you are uncarinG)

I understand exactly what you mean! That's been a fault of mine for too long. Expecting others to be there, when sometimes they just can't or won't.
I also recognise more when others are projecting their issues onto me in how they respond to something that is bothering me.
I'm slowly learning to trust myself. To be guided by my own context and needs. It was a struggle to identity my needs actually..really tough. Seeing me not mum, colleague, daughter, friend etc. She's in there somewhere!
Years of counselling and active reflection have taught me a lot about who I am and more crucially, who I can be. X

Hi all. Can I join you? I got dumped at the weekend. I'd been seeing him almost a year. Thought it was all going well but he obviously thought differently. Still don't understand what happened.
I'm trying to keep busy but little things keep reminding me of him.
I'm not sure if I could face dating ever again. I'm seem to be bad at it and too old now.

Hi Runs Sorry you are coming here after a split. It;s a horrible feeling when you think things are good and it all falls apart. It is great to keep busy if you can and this is a good time to find other things to do - lots of great Christmas events. Spoil yourself and book a nice outing either just on your own or with some chums. In fact the advantage of not having someone in tow is you can do exactly what you want.

It's hard not to think about the person you were with. One month on from my split with Mr Young Man - he still crosses my mind and I still feel angry. Same goes for Mr Functioning alcoholic and that was four months ago.

This article has some good tips... I probably need to revisit and apply

tinybuddha.com/blog/dealing-with-a-break-up-and-learning-from-the-experience/

Taking a break from dating can be fun - treat it like that - a time to recover and maybe explore something new. You aren't bad at dating - you just had nearly a year of a relationship and he flaked not you! And you aren't too old! No-one is too old!

mememe I love the 80s references!

Biddy I just turned 50. I struggled when I was 49 because most men want someone younger than them. I tried dating some who were in their 50's but it felt like dating my dad!

After my last big relationship went badly wrong (he was repeatedly cheating on me) I swore I wouldn't date anyone ever again. Then I signed up for OLD last Christmas for the first time because I'd been on my own for most of the year and I was lonely.

I've got plenty to keep me busy. But it's just not the same as having someone special to share things with.

Runs I'm 44 and noticed men my age with cutoffs at 45 - there is some really weird behaviour out there!

Although we are getting older, there are always new people entering the dating scene and one of them could be the right person.

How many dates did you do before you met the guy you were seeing most recently? You had a good long stint at this relationship - it's not a loss - it's a gain. You've landed someone this year. It lasted beyond the usual three months, it had some legs but he called it. It wasn't you, it was him. Once you've had a break and feel strong again, I'm sure you will meet someone else. Just keep fishing! And keep focusing on choosing carefully which fish to reel in and take home.

I do feel really scared about being hurt again but I would really love to meet someone to share my time with. Just not right now when I feel so vulnerable and susceptible to making bad choices.

Biddy / you a like an Oracle!!
I had a moment earlier where I was a bit, shit am on own etc, but tidying up and decluttering and it’s passed now.
I think of both my exes often and in different ways. Knowing my recent guy has moved on I thought would be harder but actually in a way, the fact that he door has closed completely is actually better as there feels some finality to it all.
Runs I’m so sorry/ is there any prospect of rekindling or do you even want that...?

doingit no hope of rekindling. I would like to but I'm pretty sure he has moved on.
I was just on facebook and it showed he has a new friend - a woman. I was nosey and looked at her profile. Some things he said in the last couple of weeks now make a little more sense. Plus it explains why he seems to have to been living on facebook recently. I think he is now seeing her.
And yes I know I need to unfriend him but I just can't bring myself to do it yet.

Runs That sucks. I'm really sorry. Please unfriend him.

I just got a horrid reminder of Mr functioning alcoholic. I stopped dating him month ago and wiped everything off that I could - photos, emails, etc and blocked. But I just got a mail that he unshared his calendar with me (I didn't know it was still shared because I wasn't looking in). It's just totally upset me again. Ouch. It feels as if he's saying he has totally moved on from me which is fine. It just reminds me of all the hope I had in the relationship when it happened.

I ended up having a brief email chat to Mr functioning alcoholic and then said we'd go back to NC. It has been four months since I last had any contact with him. I realised I need to make more effort to eradicate him from my thoughts and write somewhere all the shitty things that happened.

And I could do with a crush... somewhere to plant some hope...

Biddy I was in a shitty relationship at the beginning of last year that ended badly. I couldn't go NC because I see him through work and we have to communicate.

He had ended it by text when he realised I knew about his cheating. There was so much I wanted to say - and scream and shout at him. So a good friend suggested writing a letter to him, not to be sent. And to do it every day just to vent all those feelings, until one day you realise you don't need to say anything any more.

I've been doing this again over the last few days. Not sure it's helping yet but it gives me something to do. And cleaning - my house is sparkling clean!

Thanks runs. I do need to get these feelings out and down. And really let go of this guy. I don't want him in my life. The few good things did not in any way outweigh the crap. I'm not sure I'll take up cleaning though.

Biddy do you want to tell
Us here? Would that help? I don’t know if a crush is the way to go, I dunno though, I’m lonely and thinking of my recent ex now dating is tough BUT I’ve never really been alone so for me, I think I need to. I keep thinking maybe my recent ex was ok, and he was in so many ways, in so many ways he was so good. But so so many red flags that I kept on ignoring and his behaviour and words towards me post split kind
Of just reiterated that.

Do you want to talk about mr functioning alcoholic? You were with me young man
After him?

Runs that’s a lovely way of dealing with it. ❤️❤️

I was given the advice about writing letters by a man, which surprised me. He's an acquaintance rather than a friend but I do know that he's been badly let down by women in the past, so I figured he knew what he was talking about!

Biddy I don't know why it is so hard to let go of someone who has treated you badly. It took me nearly a year to shake off Mr Cheating, mostly because he wouldn't admit to do anything wrong. But also because I blamed myself.

Doing I think reading these posts by myself and others on this thread has made me realise that a bit of me is annoyed with myself for hanging onto these relationships and not walking away. That I can figure out lots of stuff in my life and make good choices to the best of my knowledge but when it comes to men, I become an idiot. Is it all the love/sex chemicals? Quite probably.

I got different things from dating Mr Functioning Alcoholic and Mr Young Man - they both had something about them that I look for. At the same point there were big red flags early on. I would actually say that with both of them there was ditchable offenses before the second date. And there I was being a mix of door mat and knight in shining armour. And just not trusting my judgement and feeling that I owed them something and I shouldn't hurt their feelings. What are we taught as women to think that we should put a man's feelings before our own?

Anyway, I'm working on the boundaries.

A big thank you to Runs, Doing and mememe.

Onwards, upwards and forwards.

Biddy, a lot of us are guilty of that too, but you had hope so that’s why you stayed. My lady was so unbelievably good in so many ways and in so many ways we were so amazing but oh god. The ways he wasn’t and we weren’t were just no. No no no no but yet I stayed. Half burying head in sand, and not wanting to be alone and half hoping it could just work.

I think society has us that we should be in a pair. And to be fair I do again, want to be a pair. But dating? Holy heck no.

Everyone loves being in love and people love people in love so it stands to reason we keep pushing on, we stay in the relationship, hoping.

Should say relationship instead of lady

I've had some great work meetings with interesting people and been out to do something I like this week so feeling pretty happy. I'm trying to practice not thinking about these exes.