The 'Taking a Break from Dating' Support Thread

[Biddylee]

Hello,

I need to take a break from dating - online or otherwise. Because although I'm prepared to get back on the horse and try again, I seem to be encountering the same mistakes.

So this is a space for those who need to take a break, need encouraging to stick with the break and NOT PANIC THAT ALL THE GOOD MEN/WOMEN HAVE LEFT THE PLANET while they are taking a break.

For those seeking some hand holding because they feel a bit drained by it all.

For those who came across a helpful article about being single and happy.

And there is so much I would love to say to them but I have said it all before and it was ultimately worse than pointless because it’s just been used to hurt me....

Off Sounds like you need to acknowledge your feelings and work through them. How much time do you need to spend with your family? Can you keep it to a minimum? This might be what you need to take into the future - a minimum interaction while you find some time to work through your feelings about them.

My mum picks up the twins from school on Thursdays but I don’t tend to spend any time with her TBH.

I don’t need to spend any time with any of them TBH.

I think I’m just stuck TBH cos I feel like i’ve worked through my feelings as much as i’m going to but i’m not up to the part where I feel strong enough to act on them.

Great article on emotional exhaustion Biddy. So flipping true.
I lurched from feeling unstoppable to wondering why I existed.
Taking back control seems all too easy, yet it takes practice and a smidgen of self belief. Where it comes from, I don't know but it's there inside all of us.
For me, acceptance and the practice thereof has helped immensely.
I understand that accepting doesn't mean liking a situation, rather that it encourages a sense of being.
I get so bloody frustrated at ex intransigence...why should I do all the bending and facilitating, BUT, in my heart I accept that its the only way to be free. To own the frustration but dilute it at the same time.

Dunno if that makes any sense at all. Making sense, though, is often thankless and doesn't really achieve anything.

Just my tuppence worth.

to all of you xx

Online dating basically works like this... guys send out let's say 10 messages to women he finds attractive and maybe gets 4-5 back from interested women (these are just arbitrary numbers btw!)

Guy then sets up dates with all women, basically dates them multiply. He perhaps liked 2 of them so as the dating progresses and women want more commitment he starts ghosting them (aka the slow fade). He does this by cancelling at the last minute, making up stories that he needs to see sick relatives or just being so busy with work but you check and he is back online looking for his next lot of victims. Eventually die sone if the women possibly all guy goes poof and disappears of the face of the earth.

The women start to question themselves, send "needy" messages and so on. These are the ones he pretty much totally ignores the others who realise what's going on just block and delete. The 1-2 he did really like he keeps their details and months later he suddenly pops up again messaging them and so on... unfortunately these women have either moved on and don't read anything to it so tell him to jog on or they have blocked him so he gets no response! Guy goes back to working on his next lot of messaging and dates...

I know I'm massively generalising and some women do this too. There are also men who are genuine and don't want to multidate. However as it is generally a socially acceptable norm for the guy to send messages and chase it is more likely to be men multidating. If you are a women doing this you are deemed desperate.

My issue with OLD is that it is a sorry state of affairs and there are many perpetual online dates who enjoy the thrill of meeting new people and having late night liaisons and the dopamine release. This however means they can never settle down!

I was dating a guy very decent on paper a Consultant doctor even who I feel is addicted to dating... as a result he is struggling to settle down and is in his 40s. He loves the thrill of meeting new people and is constantly on dating sites it's so bad that some of my single friends even recognise him from other sites. I'm still in contact with him as I did not block him and he still messages me regularly to see if I've met someone. I get the feeling he is keeping me on the back burner trying to stay relevant for when he finally wants to pack in OLD. I know recently he attended a family gathering and felt 'ashamed' as his younger brother and sister are now married with partners (both GPs) and he is seen as the perpetual bachelor! For me I'm like meh it hasn't deterred me from dating and I have now adopted the multidating approach!

Basically what I'm saying is if you do OLD be prepared for all types of fuckery and that is irrespective of what that people's status in life and be prepared to accept that he is most likely multidating as there is always someone better out there in their mind!

Off. You'll get there. It's difficult - I have some issues with my family (boundaries really) but it's not a jump in, fix it all type thing. It's little by little when the timing is right and I have the strength for a barrage of passive aggressive. I feel stronger about the little steps I've made this year.

mememe When you have confidence in yourself and trust yourself, you are more likely to make decisions that are in your interest. So if you are dating, it's less ignoring red flags because you don't want to upset anyone and more expressing how you feel and pulling the plug on something when you aren't treated well and there is no path to improving that situation.

The thing is that it is a slow process and in a world that goes fast, we expect instant fixes. So we need patience and self awareness and a plan to step up and be responsible for our feelings and reactions.

Hope you are having a good weekend.

Sending strength to you and those on this thread for plodding onwards, upwards and forwards.

Need Yes -dating is a minefield. I don't like the multidate idea - I don't have the head space for it. In fact I struggle with lots of forum chats, what's ap group, catching up with friends, parenting and having some time to myself. An introvert explosion!

However, I know there are lots of different approaches to OLD. Being aware is part one, learning not to over invest (by making sure you are clear on your boundaries and taking the relationship slow) is part two.

Hi guys can I join?
I think I've seen some of you on previous posts, I've nc a few times but am a long time member.
My last relationship (met him old) ended about 7 months ago. He was mentally and emotionally abusive and when I ended it he subjected me to constant harassment. He then become violent and attacked me. Fast forward to now and I may be mad but I've started old again but if I'm perfectly honest I'm not feeling it. It's like there's a block there and I'm void of feelings lol. I acknowledge that this is a self protection thing.
I'm currently in trauma therapy and this has seriously helped me, I actually feel better about myself than I ever have. I have done a lot of work on myself and why I fell for a ea controlling violent alcoholic. I think the problem with dating before we are ready to, before we are the best version of our self is that we subconciously fall for people who are emotionally unavailable.

I think wanting to date can sometimes be a sign you shouldn’t date TBH.

I’m in a similar position re ex (Creepy Stalker Man) who I ran from (with the help of the police) 9 months ago.

I can’t imagine being at a point where I would want to date ever again but I think I have the opposite problem to most ppl. I score quite high on the AQ test, i’ve never really been inclined to form long lasting relationships, I find them stressful, I feel like I have quite often been manipulated into relationships I don’t want because ppl play on my (out of proportion) sense of responsibility...

I think my goal is really to get to a place where I feel more comfortable about sharing and vulnerability. I tend to over compensate because I know I find it difficult.

It’s a boundary issue really, probably I need to accept it is ok for me to not want a close/time consuming relationship and stop over compensating and just be myself...

I’m very vulnerable to the ‘Oh i’m so disorganised/lacking in this area, you are so good at it, do it for me?’ Relationships in all of their very many and varied guises... and they are actually the COMPLETE opposite of what I want. I get in them because I feel like i’m not really entitled to feel things like ‘I don’t want to meet your friends/family’ ‘I’m not interested in solving your problems for you’ ‘I don’t want to see you very often’ ‘I don’t want marriage/living together/kids’ ‘I’m pretty set in my ways and don’t want to be more flexible/accommodating’...

People (family) have always told me I need to be more flexible/tolerant/accommodating but it just isn’t something I can be without causing myself misery.

Alittle It still sounds like you could do with time out from dating and more time for self healing. If there is a block there, you aren't emotionally available, and more likely to attract the wrong type. Sorry to hear about your horrendous ex. I've dated a scary man but it never turned violent - he was an alcoholic too. I attract alcoholics and those who have (had) addiction issues.

Off I am trying to figure out if I want a relationship and what that looks like. At the moment I haven't the time or energy to be in a full on relationship - certainly something that is hard work. I let people off the hook and give them lots of chances. I need to draw firm lines and say no and not be so accommodating. Sounds like it's something you need to do (and in your own time and at your own speed of course!)

I had a good boundary moment today - asked my sister for some help - but also a bad one where she said something that I found upsetting/unhelpful and I should have pulled her up on it (in a nice way of course)

Sounds very similar!

What sets me into a panic is my fear of the boundary fights re my parents I think, every tiny interaction is like that. I have to make the exact right noises which allow me to fly under the radar without piquing my mum’s interfering radar and without giving anything away....

My younger sister said I should do the shit sandwich and tackle each thing my mother says when she says it, but I know that actually with me all that does is give her nuggets of information that she can store for future use against me and a foot in the door to invade and conquer....

It probably works for her but she is not the scapegoat! She’s kind of the forgotten child.

It would be easier if they weren’t going on these long holidays all the time TBH because I feel destabilised by the change; having a rest when they are not here and then panicking about them coming back.

I feel bored of myself and my inability to just let it roll off me and instead it boreing into the core of my being each and every bloody time, i feel like it’s a pervasive rotten stench invading every aspect of my life...

Biddy, practically speaking, how do you become more aware?

Do you guys miss having that “Someone?” That’s what I think I’m struggling with, just the lack of a person to cuddle, be intimate with, do things, be in contact, just a real life in it together person.
Having done old, I don’t know if would do again however, I do worry as to how the heck into meet someone if I don’t.
I dunno, do I just plan to spend the next day 5+ years alone and see what that brings...😕
As someone else mentioned, a look on the relationships forum is not exactly great either. I just don’t know if there’s actually any decent guys out there who aren’t trying to control etc.
I personally miss having someone special. I really need to
Stay strong. I feel
I need this break from Dating to just focus on me and be able to be alone for a while, but at the same time, I don’t want to. I want to have someone amazing love me, want me and cherish me. Does anyone else have these two Competing aspects??
Anyone read any good books or such?

I also keep thinking of my ex out there on old meeting new people and while I know (think, at this hour I don’t know anymore ☹️☹️) we Aren’t right, it makes me sad. 😞 embarrassed to admit that 😳

Doing I realised I spent a lot of my long term relationship feeling alone and then making myself busy to counteract that. So I have hobbies, a support network and social life. I would love a really close emotional connection with someone but the men who have been the closest have also been manipulative and unkind.

So at the moment I need to be on my own... I will trust myself to let me know when is the right time to go looking again.

There is something called a wheel of life. Fill out one of these and look where the gaps are in your life. You can download something online. Then look at areas you need to work on so that when you go back into the dating arena, you are better prepared to reject those who don't come up to scratch and find someone who can meet your needs.

There are some good free downloads here and this site has a lot of helpful info about taking a dating break and why.

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/downloads/

I think overall, don't worry about tomorrow but take each day as it comes and look to fill it with happy moments and times of self care.

btw - I still think about both guys I dated this year. I'm trying to stop doing that. It's not easy though. Sometimes it's saddest, sometime it's anger, sometimes the rose tinted specs come out and I remember just the good stuff and not the shit.

Off [Flowers] That all sounds like really hard work for your mind. I mentioned earlier a book called Where to draw the line by Anne Katherine - it's helpful about boundaries. Also sounds like your mind is obsessing about it. Have a look at OCD thinking. And overall try to avoid spending time or talking to them if it upsets you - try and avoid getting caught up in their drama. Hope today is good for you.

Do you guys miss having that “Someone?” That’s what I think I’m struggling with, just the lack of a person to cuddle, be intimate with, do things, be in contact, just a real life in it together person.

No, not really. I have never really wanted to have a someone. It feels like a massive effort and concession to me. I tend to overcompensate having been told all my life I am too weird. Almost as if having a someone crosses my boundaries in the first place and so I struggle to know where to redraw them. I’ve picked extremes of boundary invaders to completely and unhealthily repressed people.

Probably I am happiest alone where I don’t need to compromise or sacrifice or concede....

Biddy - i have a tendency towards OCD thinking, especially where I feel there is a problem to be solved. I really do not like things being uncategorised, action not taken, feelings unresolved... I find it hard not to solve the problem and become obsessive.

I think them being my parents upsets me TBH. Any contact with them, seeing them, texts etc anything. It’s all destabilising!

It is my twins’ birthday party later on, which is gonna be a welcome distraction!

Off Hope your week is alright. I've seen some good advice about OCD thinking and how to learn to switch it off. Like all things, it takes practice and persistence to retrain the mind. There is also learning to let go and see how things unfold but that is easier said than done.

I hope your twins birthday party is good. Distractions are ace and can show what life can be like when the brain is calm!

Having a good week. I hope everyone else is!

Just finished a major piece of work I've been doing over the last 7 months and really want to tell the last two people I was dating because it did impact them but I know that would be pointless and I don't want to bring either people back into my life.

I am having a good week actually. Might seem mad but i’ve been tapering off one of my anti depressants as i’m sick of just going to sleep too early at night.

I used to have really bad insomnia and have been really grateful that I could rely on sleeping whilst i’ve been taking it, but equally with this recent episode re my parents, i’ve found being zonked out before my eldest two has left me without any of the time I usually use for thinking.

Is going well so far TBH. No weirdness.

Police contacting me about the case with ex hasn’t sent me into a panic attack.

I’m more awake in the mornings and still dropping off to sleep in good time, not having crazy dreams anymore!

Parents are back day after tomorrow and I haven’t really given it a thought.

I’m glad re your work biddy but yes telling them would be bad for many reasons.... you should reward yourself instead, even if it is something small!

DOING Yes i really do miss having someone.

It would be nice to have someone that would ask how my days been and I could share funny things that have happened. Someone to cuddle and kiss. Someone to share silly jokes with and have proper laugh til your side's ache moments with.

I've dabbled with OLD but it seems to me that most guys are on there to get a quick shag or there's the ones that don't even seem to want too meet up at all so I got really despondent with it.

I wish dating could be like going to the supermarket, you'd have a list of all the things you want in a man and you could go when you're ready for a relationship. I find it hard that I want a relationship but cant really do anything about it, it seems like I have to resign myself to sitting here waiting til it happens on it's own.

But then I read some of the posts in n the relationship thread and I see how unhappy sombre people are and I think do I really want to get back into all that again?

Off Hope that's keeps going well with the anti-depressants. Have you tried meditation at all? Not an instant win but it does have some mind calming effects.

I like your suggestion about rewarding myself. I will do that.

Serial Keep busy - go try new things and make your life happy and full of good things. Find a friend to ask you how things are, go to a comedy club to giggle about stuff, find a friend who knows how to give big hugs. Just a few little things can make you feel a bit better about being single. keep your head up and smile when you walk down the street, you don't know who might notice! :)