The 'Taking a Break from Dating' Support Thread

[Biddylee]

Hello,

I need to take a break from dating - online or otherwise. Because although I'm prepared to get back on the horse and try again, I seem to be encountering the same mistakes.

So this is a space for those who need to take a break, need encouraging to stick with the break and NOT PANIC THAT ALL THE GOOD MEN/WOMEN HAVE LEFT THE PLANET while they are taking a break.

For those seeking some hand holding because they feel a bit drained by it all.

For those who came across a helpful article about being single and happy.

Hi BIDDY Glad you've been feeling better about being single this week.

I took my DD and her friend to some fireworks last night which was really good. I did keep thinking about how nice it would've been to have a lovely mans arms around me keeping me warm though

I took mine to a big bonfire with fireworks, live music, bouncy castles and a fair last night! It was great! The waterproof trousers and snow boots really were needed though as it was hailing at one point! DD1 who has ASD was totally and completely fine! We went on the bus, which is a trigger, and there were loads of people which is a trigger and the fireworks are usually a trigger too but she was wonderful! Got a bit grumbly about staying for the fireworks but in the end just sat on the floor and looked at her phone.

My friend is coming to visit today 😃. I’m just so happy that we are all getting back to normal life after mine (MS) and DD’s (ASD) diagnoses.

I don’t think I ever really think about what it would be like having someone to share things with. I don’t know whether that’s sad or happy though! Ha ha!

Sounds like lots off bonfire fun. Off Glad you are feeling happy about things. I think it's fine to not to want someone to share things with. It's what's right for you now.

I was childfree last night and went to a friend's house - was surrounded by lots of people I am very good friends with and so that was a brilliant reminder that I am loved and appreciated for who I am.

Actually still feeling down about my split with Mr Young Man (that is we had an argument, he said he would be in touch, that hasn't happened - in my head it's over). So I'm trying to deal with that hurt popping up. The whole thing made me feel like a bad person and makes me question myself. Basically I have to forgive myself for not handling something as well as I would have liked too.

Totally! You can’t expect perfection from yourself! I reckon you probably don’t expect perfection from others so let yourself off...

I don’t know about mr young man or what happened but the name and the ending of the thing seem to indicate immaturity?

In any case a relationship that makes you feel like a bad person is no good.

Yes - he didn't handle the ending very well. He's in his mid 30s and me in my 40s. I don't think he had the (emotional) maturity to reflect on his behaviour (just generally) or to recognise all the other stuff I did for him.

I look forward to the time his name doesn't pop into my head!

Can I join? Not technically taking a break from dating as such, but I have just come out of an 8 year relationship and think a lot of the advice on here in terms of healing and looking after yourself before dating again could be very relevant.

‘Course you can!

Hi Molly Sorry to hear about the end of your relationship. That was me last year. I fell into dating someone very quickly after my break up - an aspect of it was good - I realised I could be emotionally open, have a sex life and be considered sexy. But he wasn't available for a relationship. Then sought some dating distraction and started seeing Mr Young Man - again wasn't right - didn't have my boundaries firmly in place...

So time for reflection and recovery... here is an article you might like...

tinybuddha.com/blog/40-ways-to-let-go-and-feel-less-pain/

How is everyone this week? Enjoying my break. Reading a book called Single mom seeking. Really good read - she makes all the classic dating mistakes.

Doing lots of things I enjoy and shaping my life to meet that need.

Good, DD went to xh’s house with the others for a couple of days so I was childfree! I went to see my bro who used to be teetotal but is now on the whisky! I left at 4am! Ha ha ha!

Off sounds great. Having a few childfree moments in a row is great - the chance to have fun!

Not thinking about my recent split too much. Trying to stop my brain overanalysing the past. (why do brains do that!!!)

Ack.... I don’t know, it’s something i’ve never been able to figure out (and therefore stop)! It’s even worse the more insight you have in fact because you just become hyper aware of it!

Hey all, having a tough old week, in contact with ex( I know I know need to stop) he decided to let me know that he’s back on pof and going on dates..😞
As a sole parent to two young kids, I feel
Down. He wasn’t right for me and I absolutely don’t want to even join OLD for validation or whatever but at same time I do? I feel So mixed at the moment. Life feels hard and I just feel a bit down.

That’s tough doing .

Can you say to him you only want to hear from him if it is about the dc?

Off Definitely become hyper aware that I need to practice active listening a bit more. But I'm not sure if that's me being over sensitive. I also realise that to stop digging through the past I need to practice being more present.

Doing Yuck - ditch the ex contact. You don't need to hear about his dating. Sorry that you aren't feeling great. You are enough. Wrap your arms around yourself, give yourself a squeeze and remind yourself that you have your own back and that you will be fine. It does get easier.

Sorry that you aren't feeling great. You are enough. Wrap your arms around yourself, give yourself a squeeze and remind yourself that you have your own back and that you will be fine. It does get easier.

take your own advice too biddy

Thank you Off Yes I do need to do that especially when I go down the rabbit hole of thinking about my dating disasters this year. (although the fact I got out both times is a huge improvement on the past!)

I’ve been down a rabbit hole this week but not to do with dating... parents crap re my childhood...

They have been away on a cruise for a month and come back next week... and i’ve had this exceptionally shit text, that my mum just doesn’t understand is shitty and is her trying to be nice and connect with me....

This kind of thing always sends me in a tail spin.... 😩

I so needed this thread, can i join too?! Ended a 2 year relationship last month due to realisation that i enabled his piss taking behaviour by having no boundaries whatsoever. A year in i started explaining how he needed to step up and sort his shit out and then we got stuck in the revolving door of him promising to change but never actually doing anything. He's full of promise now, still contacts me regularly.

I really need a break from relationships to work out why i accept so much rubbish from people and then feel guilty when i say I've had enough. Need to get myself sorted before even considering dating again!

I really need a break from relationships to work out why i accept so much rubbish from people and then feel guilty when i say I've had enough.

What did you learn about relationships growing up?

That’s usually where it comes from...

hi wasbump come and join us! Securing boundaries is hard - mine crumble when I meet a guy (partly because I'm easy going and the other bit of me is a people pleaser) so I'm learning to toughen up. This also mean dealing with boundaries with friends and family. I think I put something on this thread about boundaries otherwise I recommend a good root around the Baggage Reclaim website. A good book is Where to Draw the Line By Anne Katherine.

Off Sorry to hear about your rabbit hole. Family stuff can be harder than dating/relationship stuff. Hope things are alright. You are welcome to talk about it here.

Another useful article for those with emotional exhaustion:

psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/06/05/avoiding-emotional-exhaustion-filling-our-emotional-tank/

That’s really helpful biddy, thank you! I’m emotionally exhausted this weekend.... 😩 DD is here but the others have gone to their dad’s so I have had crap tv on the whole time...

My sister has basically told me to stop talking about my parents stuff because she feels it’s putting her in a tough position...

I don’t really know what to do with it though.

It’s been very hard for me to see my feelings about my childhood as valid because there is so much pressure from my parents to conform to their perspective that they are wonderful and I have always just been wrong.

But I feel like if I go along with the charade then i’ll just be burying myself under a pile of crap.

Three things are making me feel on edge; 1. Christmas which is always extremely difficult because it is when my mother desperately tries to pretend that everything is wonderful, 2. Them coming back from holiday and the prospect of having to wade through all their shit, 3. The text that she intended to be kind but was actually really really upsetting for me for loads of reasons which i’m in no frame of mind to intelligently articulate right now!

I’m just tired really, tired of them existing I suppose, i’d like it if they would just suddenly not exist...

Everything else in my life feels so good and so hopeful. Possibly i’m afraid of them dragging me back down...