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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I overreacting aboit DH's new female friend?

366 replies

EmbarrassedAndPregnant · 30/10/2017 08:48

Just to begin with, I'm 36 weeks pregnant and quite emotional. I'm scared I've overeacted hugely to this.

DH has a new female friend from work. They've been talking late at night, text a lot, went out for dinner once alone together. I don't have an issue with this. What I have an issue with is him lying to me about it!

I've thought something was up for a while, and today had a look at his IPad after he went to work. I'm not proud of that, but I just knew something was up. Turns out whenever he said he 'fell asleep downstairs watching a film' or 'was going out to dinner with a group of people from work' it was complete bullshit. He was either talking to or out with her. It's all perfectly innocent from what I've read, so why is there any need to lie to me in the first place?

So I have texted him about it Sad I'm just angry. I just feel like clearly something is going on if he can't just be honest about his relationship with a female friend. And now I feel particularly stupid because I'll have to wait till he gets home to discuss it properly.

Honestly, have I overeacted?

OP posts:
Ifearthecold · 30/10/2017 17:24

My DH does go out for a meal with female friends from time to time, they are usually people he worked with and they then left the company he works for, he also does this with male friends. I have met some of these people and not others. We have small children and I don't know them so I don't want to go. He doesn't spend hours in contact with them at home and them lie to me about it though. That is the bit I would be hopping mad about. He needs to be much more honest with you.

Alison175 · 30/10/2017 17:28

Get the bloody iPad linked to your phone and get find iPhone linked to his phone, so you know exactly where he is.

The arsehole I live with has the occasional crush, usually with one of my friends or acquaintances. He can’t live forever that’s what I keep telling myself.

IfNot · 30/10/2017 17:31

I have 3 or 4 male friends I occasionally meet for dinner or drinks but I have known all but one many years, and two of them are exes. I don't think dp exactly loves that I'm still in touch with exes but I am 100% honest about any contact, and wouldn't have a problem with him doing the same, as long as it's all upfront.

A new friend though. ..with late night phone calls lasting hours..nope.
Sorry OP but do trust your instincts.

adventuresinbabysitting · 30/10/2017 17:31

Well it is clear you are not over reacting. It must be deeply hurtful.

I can't help but think it is best to maybe step away from mumsnet now, as sometimes it's overwhelming the responses telling you what you should do and how you should feel...

We don't know you, or your relationship. Talk to him, see what you think and feel. Maybe talk to a real life friend too. Easier said than done I know.

The thing i am curious about is why people are focusing so much on the messaging, I think the OP said he was with her when he said he was with other friends. He was leaving the house to meet her. Like dates. ConfusedSo I would suspect that it's more than emotional. But again, speculation.

misscheery · 30/10/2017 17:35

Not quite sure why he’s invited her for dinner, but what he does is extremely inappropriate. You’re heavily pregnant with his child FFS! Even though it might be “platonic”, this is still inappropriate. And why does he lie about it? This would be a deal breaker for me.

cherylvole · 30/10/2017 17:36

i think he is. Sorry

Dozer · 30/10/2017 17:36

Yes, refuse to host the dinner and make clear to him that you are considering your options given his affair.

SparklingRaspberry · 30/10/2017 17:41

I'm one of the uncool people and would not be happy with my partner going for dinner with another woman!

I don't think it means he's gunna cheat. I just don't think it's a very respectful. And I agree with a PP who said it's only on mumsnet that I see this happening.

I can't think of anybody I know who has late night meals and cinema trips with another man/woman.

Lottie509 · 30/10/2017 17:45

You are not pathetic, Hes lied, hes the problem here not you.

expatinscotland · 30/10/2017 17:47

I would not be cool with this.

cherylvole · 30/10/2017 17:49

i am Cool with female pals but the lying about meeting her is odd

AlonsosLeftPinky · 30/10/2017 17:54

I have very many male friends, and lots of friends I've made in different places etc so they often don't cross over.

I often spend time alone with them. I'm heading out to the cinema with one of them in a few hours.

I also tend to chat late at night because I'm very busy during the day and I'm a bit of a night owl.

I love my DH very much, but it doesn't mean that my friends are his friends by default as we're different people who like and appreciate different things in others. Likewise, I'm not friends with the partners of my friends by default.

But... Whenever a male friend has made it known that his partner is either unaware of our friendship, or that he has lied about any element of it I have eased off and then cut contact. And I've never ever lied or felt the need to lie about what I've been doing with my friends.

Secrecy and lies are a killer.

Auburn2001 · 30/10/2017 18:03

Don't do the dinner OP. You are absolutely entitled to refuse to do so. You should be his number one priority as his pregnant wife.
Good luck Flowers

TheVanguardSix · 30/10/2017 18:10

You're practically full term and the plan is to host a dinner for this woman?!
Fuck that for a laugh! Who's idea was this?
By the way you are SO NOT overreacting. Flowers

TheVanguardSix · 30/10/2017 18:12

Sorry. Grammar. I do wish MN had an edit button.

So ahem, WHOSE idea was the dinner?

JWrecks · 30/10/2017 18:18

I know everyone is saying absolutely do NOT do the dinner, but man, I'd be so tempted to do it just to watch them together! On the condition, of course, that I would not do one single second of work toward it: no tea making, no cooking, no washing up of even my own plate. At 36 weeks!!!!

Then again, the idea of DH going to all that trouble to make dinner for another woman would make me sick everywhere...

Yeah, OP, don't do the dinner!! Tell him you don't want to watch him and his girlfriend on their bloody date, in your own home, while you're carrying his child, thanks very much! How about he makes you dinner instead, and YOU do the bloody date??

Autumnskiesarelovely · 30/10/2017 18:30

Apologies lemon !

oldlaundbooth · 30/10/2017 18:38

OP?

You OK?

OliviaBenson · 30/10/2017 18:43

Hope you are ok op.

BarryTheKestrel · 30/10/2017 18:58

I hope you're OK OP.

I have a male friend that I text frequently throughout the day. I work part time and he is currently out of work, it breaks up the chaos of dealing with a toddler and DH works in an environment where we can't text throughout the day. I also text female friends frequently throughout the day.

Me and said friend, and occasionally another male friend, go out for dinner and drinks every few months. We have a toddler and struggle with a babysitter so DH often doesn't come. He also doesn't really know them or have any shared interests with them so would struggle to find conversation should I not be there so lead it (it's happened before and it's awkward). However I would never ever lie to DH about it. He knows and is more than happy that it's entirely innocent and just a friendship.

It's the lying that would get to me OP. Not the friendship.

Bananamanfan · 30/10/2017 19:32

Hope you're ok, op. It's an awful feeling finding out that you have been deceived.Flowers

Annoyed5678 · 30/10/2017 19:51

Try not to stress or get too upset OP, think of the baby he's a complete idiot to treat you like this and in such a late stage of pregnancy but take everything one step at a time

SonicBoomBoom · 30/10/2017 20:48

You can use the fact that you're pretty much 9 months pregnant to pull out of the dinner. It's a bit of a big ask of someone heavily pregnant even without the backdrop of lies.

BewareOfDragons · 30/10/2017 21:20

I hope you're ok, OP.

caringdenise009 · 30/10/2017 21:51

Forty years on I still remember the dinner we had as a family with the woman my father was having an affair with. She brought her boyfriend too, which was naice.

OP, so sorry you are going through this. My mum stayed another 9 years and god knows how many more affairs. It's best to face up and move on, unfortunately it won't get any easier with time.