Am I overreacting aboit DH's new female friend?

[EmbarrassedAndPregnant]

Just to begin with, I'm 36 weeks pregnant and quite emotional. I'm scared I've overeacted hugely to this.

DH has a new female friend from work. They've been talking late at night, text a lot, went out for dinner once alone together. I don't have an issue with this. What I have an issue with is him lying to me about it!

I've thought something was up for a while, and today had a look at his IPad after he went to work. I'm not proud of that, but I just knew something was up. Turns out whenever he said he 'fell asleep downstairs watching a film' or 'was going out to dinner with a group of people from work' it was complete bullshit. He was either talking to or out with her. It's all perfectly innocent from what I've read, so why is there any need to lie to me in the first place?

So I have texted him about it I'm just angry. I just feel like clearly something is going on if he can't just be honest about his relationship with a female friend. And now I feel particularly stupid because I'll have to wait till he gets home to discuss it properly.

Honestly, have I overeacted?

Not being unreasonable at all. Opposite sex friendships are great, we both have them. I spend time alone with my male friends and he has on occasion travelled to hang out with his female friends/stay over at theirs etc, I have zero issue with it.

But the second one of us lied about it would be the second it became a massive problem. You only lie if you have something to hide, and lying to your partner is so disrespectful. He's putting spending time with her over you.

I also feel there's a certain appropriate way to develop new friendships when you're in a relationship, the true ones that aren't based on lust grow slowly over time. All of my closest male friendships developed slowly, through getting to know one another bit by bit over months via working together or hobbies, before it became a genuinely close bond over months and years. These quick start fast burning ones are 99% of the time because at least one party fancies the other. Think about it: how many new male friends has he met he's suddenly texting for hours and sneaking off to meet alone? How many new women do you meet where you do that? None!

Generally it's a good thing to introduce to partners (I always would recommend that: I've grown close to the partners of my male friends and feel it's respectful to get to know them as well and show there's no threat), but given that he's already been lying to you I don't actually think this is above board. If he's willing to lie to see her he's capable of bringing her into your home, probably to give it a veneer of respectability, hiding in plain sight. Then if you ever challenge him he can say 'but you met her! I wouldn't have done that if I was cheating would I?'. To lie to you about seeing her then bring her into your home is beyond the pale!

I honestly think due to the lying and intensity they're in the early or mid stages of an emotional affair, possibly physical. If my OH did what yours has I'd be considering leaving. And if not leaving, making it clear this 'friendship' ends now and if you get wind of him seeing or speaking to her outside of strict work matters again you're finished.

I am very liberal and truly believe in opposite sex friendships and have plenty, so does my OH. But once you start lying about it and spending more time messaging and scheming to see them than you do on your OH it's trouble. There are ways to respectfully conduct yourself and he's just thinking about himself. You deserve better. You're pregnant FFS and his attention is on this new woman?

jwrecks "I know it's very un mumsnetty to not be "cool" about DH having female friends, but am I really the only one who would simply not be okay with DH going out to dinner, just him and another woman? I would not accept that. I trust him implicitly, and I'm not jealous as such, but I would find going out and doing date-like things - out to dinner, going to a film, things like that - between just DH and a woman highly inappropriate."

Wouldn't mind at all OH going for dinner with another woman or an event like cinema. They're just fun things to do and I'd do the same with a guy. But I do think there should be a general expectation you're both inviting one another in an established relationship. So if he is planning to go meet a female friend I'd probably expect to be invited: I wouldn't necessarily go, but I think it shows respect and that there's nothing to hide. I'd invite him and he often declines but the option is there.

If there's a reason the other person couldn't go (for example if he's visiting his hometown without me and wants to catch up with her) that's totally fine. but general mates you both know, yeah you should be inviting each other.

He's up to no good op.

OP I hope you are ok. Try to keep calm if you can until you speak to him. I feel for you being on your own today and getting worked up etc is horrible anyway especially when pregnant. I’m sending lots of love xxx

I guess we'll find out when he gets home so we can talk about it properly. I guess at least it's nearly lunch time. I might hear something soon

Has he responded at all yet? I would keep an eye on the iPad, see if he’s messaged her yet.

No new messages on the iPad doesn’t mean he isn’t talking to her, sadly - he’d have to be an idiot to continue talking to her in a way that you can see and monitor. They’ll likely switch to something like Snapchat or WhatsApp that is device specific and disappears.

I hope he talks to you at lunch. It says a lot about the type of man he is if he leaves you upset over this all day when you are so pregnant.

If I can say to the person that posted that 'if hes lying, its not innocent'.--I dont think thats always the case. Im not proud of it but I actually tracked on the quiet my DH and our assistant on whatsapp, way way too much of it, but all innocent enough tittle tattle.-mainly initiated by her. but even in this case he lied and said it had stopped weeks before, when it clearly had not. I just think some guys get totally carried away and like 'the buzz' or suffer from 'white knight syndrome ' and yes its usually with someone they 'get on with/find attractive' . Its not acceptable, its plain bang out of order but doesnt necessarily mean its a full scale affair, although yes it can be a bordeline emotional affair . These women too appear to have bugger all boundaries as to whats acceptable with married guys. Yes the issue is with the DH/DP, but I would ask ladies on here to serioulsy think twice before overdoing it on communicating with partnered up guys. You may think its all cool and partners ok with it etc, that may well be so not be the case.

He will need to be so ridiculously contrite about this. I would have him a bag packed ready for when he gets home, you need to show him how serious this is and what he stands to lose.

Late night chats hidden from you? Secret dates? There is no way he can paint this as innocent. So sorry for you OP, stress is the last thing you and little one need.

@LemonShark
So if he is planning to go meet a female friend I'd probably expect to be invited: I wouldn't necessarily go, but I think it shows respect and that there's nothing to hide. I'd invite him and he often declines but the option is there.

Oooh, yes, good point and well said. That is perfectly reasonable to me. Your whole post is totally reasonable and in fact sounds just like us. Personally, I would probably try to decline or reschedule if DH couldn't also go for whatever reason, as I'd hate for him to miss out or to go have fun without him, but I do totally understand that that aspect of our relationship is a bit weird. :) We're probably that obnoxious couple people say are joined at the hip and roll their eyes, and if you get one of us, you get both of us.

As for the poor OP... I think my head might pop right off in OP's situation, where it's a new mate I've never heard of nor met. Something about it being a new mate makes it worse, as if he were out looking for new mates, perhaps... It's much easier for anybody to accept opposite-sex friends that a DP has always had, and a partner doesn't have the right to force a friendship to end, but a new female mate is eyebrow raising, IMO. I would find it far more than simply inappropriate - in that situation I think I might go all green eyed monster and paranoid!! I'd be angry for sure. And then of course the lying on top of that! And with her being heavily pregnant! He's being a Grade A, First Class shit.

I don't want to even be having to have this conversation with him. I shouldn't have to be in the first place.

@OP you're absolutely right. You should NOT have to have that conversation, particularly right now at 36 weeks, when he should be spending every spare second making certain that you and baby are happy and comfortable and safe and secure and well cared for. He's spending every spare second chatting up some woman you don't know instead and going out of his way for her, and that is completely unacceptable IMO.

I wish you the best of luck when you do speak to him about this. And I know it's awful and sickening, but you MUST, and immediately. Put your foot right down straight on top of his, hard and let him know exactly how you feel about it, that the constant texting and staying up late just to chat to her MUST stop now, that the lying MUST stop and never, ever happen again. Ask him how he would feel - and tell him to actually be honest with himself rather than just answering what he would want you to say - if it were you doing these things with some other man ^and LYING TO HIM about it. Make him put himself in your (too-tight and uncomfortable anymore) shoes and face facts.

In short, NO you are NOT being unreasonable.

Also, if I were you (that is, if you're feeling up to it), I think I would be very tempted to do the dinner, and keep a very close eye on the pair of them when they're together.

Do let us know how you get on.

If this is happening right now, don’t feel as if you have to keep MN posted. I’m sure it’s the last thing on your mind. Good luck. x

It’s a good sign that she’s coming by for dinner. I really hope it’s a truly platonic thing. What are the messages like... Does he work in a field that’s quite narrow and has found someone that he can chat to about boring work stuff and that shares his interests in that way?

this is classic husband of a pregnant woman behaviour.
they get a bit frustrated towards the end of pregnancy, didn't you know?
sorry to hear this.
give him a bollocking. and her. and hope the problem goes away.
i have seen this multiple times at work and it is really cringe inducing.

He's got a secret relationship going on. Whether that's currently just a friendship or not, he'd only keep it secret if he's thinking it might end up being something he has to hide later.

Wouldn't mind at all OH going for dinner with another woman or an event like cinema. They're just fun things to do and I'd do the same with a guy.

Only on mumsnet have i heard of anyone thinking this is normal. I don't know anyone who does this in real life. . I know not everyone will agree with me but i think it's just odd, i bet many an affair has started this way, no matter how much trust there is in a relationship.

I have male friends through my work and one through my hobby. If a message comes through when dh and I are sat in the same room, I mention it because it’s something to talk about. My dh even suggest I went away with my friend to do my holiday. I declined as it’d be to a place my dh lives and I rather go with dh and not do my hobby whilst there. Plus it’d cost a lot of money that I’d rather spend with my family.

Point is, I have not reason to hold secrets, let alone lie, so dh has no reason to feel insecure. If he did then I’d knock back on the friendship for a bit till he was feeling more self confident again.

If the dinner party goes ahead, make sure that you drop the main course over her and spit into her wine!

Your DH needs to know what he stands to lose. Tell him he can see his new friend whenever he wants if he's prepared to move out. Could he change jobs or move to another role so that he has no contact with her in future?

I would consider giving the baby your surname or hyphenated names in case the relationship doesn't survive long term.

I'm really not okay with my DH going to dinner with a female friend ... as in not part of a group I funny thunk it's acceptable.

I would thunk it's wrong for me to go to dinner with a make friend. If it's lunch at work with a male colleague that's fine.

In your car you have secret late night talks as well. They're a great book called 'not just friends' by Dr. Shirley Glass.

My best goddess out to you, as this is the last thing you need right now.

Ask her over dinner what she thinks about his sevretive behaviour!

"Only on mumsnet have i heard of anyone thinking this is normal. I don't know anyone who does this in real life. . I know not everyone will agree with me but i think it's just odd, i bet many an affair has started this way, no matter how much trust there is in a relationship."

It's actually only online that I have come across people who think this is NOT normal, everyone else I know in real life just cracks on with their friendships and relationships and trusts their partner unless given reason not to! How insecure must you be to think your OH going for a meal or a film with a friend means they're gonna cheat?? If someone's gonna cheat you can't stop them, and if you don't trust them not to you don't really have much of a relationship.

Me neither Sanddune I know for one that my OH would be distinctly put out if he felt that I'd prefer to go see a film, or go out to dinner socially with someone and not him.

I know my OH well enough to know that if he wanted to go to the cinema or dinner etc he would want me to be with him or over literally anyone else, so if he did the same I'd be very surprised.

OP, you are PG, and yes I agree with Ktown and it's fairly typical of very stupid men of very PG wives/gfs, he has absolutely no business cultivating this kind of relationship with anyone, let alone some new woman.

But it's not just that, no. It's the lies he's told over and over. He needs to show you PDQ how he intends to win your trust back.

If he doesn't cancel that dinner, I'd be severely tempted to.

It's definitely not ok, on two counts.

Firstly, any 'friend' that he repeatedly lies about is not a friend to your marriage.

Secondly, you're very heavily pregnant. His emotional investment should be in you and the new baby, not other women.

The fact that she's coming to dinner is no cause for reassurance unfortunately- some men get a thrill out of pitting both women against one another. I sincerely hope you won't be the one cooking and serving dinner.

I can hear how betrayed and hurt you feel by this. The lying is a very big deal between any two people who are close, and there really is no excuse for it.

However, I wanted to say that Mumsnet can be very black/white about relationships, and actually I think that bleaches out a lot of the complexity of real life. It is possible for a platonic friendship to be closer than a marriage, particularly if the friendship is deep and soul-searching and the marriage is more like an arrangement of convenience where the two parties live quite separate lives. Is that cheating? No, because it's a different kind of love. But it can still be an indicator that a level of closeness is missing in the relationship.

You are both going through a big life change with the pregnancy. It's possible your DH is more freaked out by that than you realise, and is pursuing this friendship as a consequence. That doesn't mean that there is infidelity happening or in prospect, but it does mean that something is up between the two of you. He should never, ever be lying to you as he has!

On the other hand, this can be how affairs start. With a friendship that appears innocent, which then develops into something very different indeed.

I think I'd read the messages personally. I know it's all kinds of wrong to invade someone's privacy, but I would HAVE to know what the quality of the relationship was, and what he was getting from it that he couldn't get from me, partly because I am not sure many people would be able to articulate that in person.

How insecure must you be to think your OH going for a meal or a film with a friend means they're gonna cheat?? I think that’s a bit harsh lemon, and not the point.

Her bf is getting a massive kick out of attention from a woman he likes, when his gf is about to give birth. A new woman. Late night texts. Dinner. That is not the action of someone who cares about the security of their relationship, who cares about his gf, it’s selfish, self indulgent and mean. It’s almost immaterial whether they kiss.

The line is crossed. The one that means intimate romantic meals or late night chats, or exclusive friendships with people you fancy, are for your GF - so that you show she has a special, safe space and which trust and love can flourish.

It’s massively significant that he is not doing this with say a lovely interesting 80 year old woman, or a kind friendly man.

Not the OPs fault in anyway. She’s being cool to realise this is not helping her relationship in any way. She is the cool one.

OP I really feel for you. My DH did this to me only our baby was about 4 months old when it all started. He did everything your DH is doing now, including inviting her over to dinner. When I found out I just felt sick, we’re still together as I just wasn’t brave enough to leave. We’re doing ok but I’ve lost so much respect for him.

What I’m saying is you’re right to nip it in the bud early, I wish I had when I first started getting suspicious. If it has gone further then it’s entirely up to you but it doesn’t have to mean your relationship is over. Thinking of you