Am I overreacting aboit DH's new female friend?

[EmbarrassedAndPregnant]

Just to begin with, I'm 36 weeks pregnant and quite emotional. I'm scared I've overeacted hugely to this.

DH has a new female friend from work. They've been talking late at night, text a lot, went out for dinner once alone together. I don't have an issue with this. What I have an issue with is him lying to me about it!

I've thought something was up for a while, and today had a look at his IPad after he went to work. I'm not proud of that, but I just knew something was up. Turns out whenever he said he 'fell asleep downstairs watching a film' or 'was going out to dinner with a group of people from work' it was complete bullshit. He was either talking to or out with her. It's all perfectly innocent from what I've read, so why is there any need to lie to me in the first place?

So I have texted him about it I'm just angry. I just feel like clearly something is going on if he can't just be honest about his relationship with a female friend. And now I feel particularly stupid because I'll have to wait till he gets home to discuss it properly.

Honestly, have I overeacted?

I think he's been insensitive too. I hope he bucks his ideas up and improves, rather than blaming your hormones!

And for what it's worth, I do t think there's anything wrong with meeting colleagues, going out for meals and even planning sports trips with them if you don't share that hobby, HOWEVER, it should be done openly and honestly, making sure you get to know the other person too. I have two male friends with whom I share a hobby, we've done a lot together involving the hobby, but as a consequence I've made sure my husband has got to know them and I've got to know their wives/girlfriends. In OP's case it's the secret calls, texts and the fact that she didn't make much effort to talk to you and be polite at dinner that would bug me.

So yes, keep alert and keep your fingers crossed. But do tell him quite clearly, that any more disrespectful sneaking around will jeopardise his future family, because he will lose it.

These days Im afraid Im very uncool on such stuff. I used to be very cool indeed about such stuff and all it got me was a DH who developed a ludicrous one sided crush/EA and did some stuff that was very hurtful to me and gaslighted me for years. Thats not to say you cant have friends of the opposite text but the minute any overtexting starts or deleting or keeping secret how much they communicate or what about and its never mentioned at all , then Im not having it.

*I'm 45 the only men I know who haven't cheated are either in open/poly relationships or shit scared of the consequences.

I don't hate men, but this is what life has shown me, personally I believe it's a biological/evolutionary thing.

And plenty of women cheat too - given the opportunity. *

I know plenty of men who have never cheated and don't want to (and of course plenty who have). You can't tar everyone with the same brush. They're not all like Slimon from Dr Foster.

Also the people that say "I'm like this because of cheating exes" - that's sad and a bit shit for the current partner. I'd be really upset if my BF treated me based on what his ex had done.

@honeyroar, yes exactly, openly and honestly and introducing each other if possible. The sneaking around and lying means the person obviously feels guilty about something.

OP, you cooked for this woman in your house?

She came round, sat and ate your food?

She's got some gall, that lass.

Well I’m deeply uncool about this sort of thing. Over my rotting corpse would my DH be taking some woman out for dinner and planning bloody marathons.

Yolo I'd love to know your age and how you know these men haven't cheated?

Many of the men I know that are cheats didn't admit it/get caught until they were older but had been doing it for years even decades.

Ditto the women cheats.

Plus it's disingenuous to say previous life experience doesn't colour future relationships of course it does - in good as well as bad ways.

In one case I know of there were 2 whole families involved who knew nothing until he died in his 60's.

A wife of 40 odd years and grown up dc plus a live in gf of 20 odd years with teen dc. That was a horrific mess!

Plenty of people haven't - we've had drunken discussions with work colleagues about marriage/proposing/knowing if your partner is "the one" and several said they've never cheated or would do it. They've been married for ages.

My partner's on a rugby team and while he says there's several guys there who boast about cheating on their wives (who are clueless about it) there are several who say they've never done it and wouldn't - not because they're scared of the consequences, because they don't want to. They'd have no reason to lie when talking to teammates.

My parents/grandparents are all divorcees but have been with their 2nd partner for decades now with no cheating and no issues.

There are plenty of happy families - you just don't hear about them on AIBU, only the cheating scumbags. Yes there are lots of cheaters but you cannot extrapolate to everybody.

If a man is that sort, you can't control it out of them by demanding they don't see their female friends for dinners. They will find a way. If they don't want to cheat, then they won't. If the shoe was on the other foot and some lady posted on AIBU saying "my husband won't let me plan a marathon or go for dinner with a male colleague" there would be unanimous cries of "how can he dictate who you're friends with! LTB!"

Plus the person who said trust has to be earned and monitored - that sounds like scolding a naughty teenager, not the way to treat a grown adult.

Of course previous life experience affects our outlook - I'd met about 55 scumbags before meeting DP. Do I treat him with suspicion like those scumbags - no, because he's not a scumbag. And if he was, I'd dump him - I don't believe in putting rules on people. Let them do what they want and if they're the right one, what they want is to treat you well.

And if people honestly believe all men are cheats, how on earth do you think you'd have the power to keep them in check? Isn't that a depressing life thinking your husband wants to cheat but the only reason they're not is because you won't give them any opportunity to. Then why bother at all - may as well write men off.

Also statistically speaking, if X% of men cheat then of course in certain pockets, 100% of the men you know might be cheats. Still doesn't mean 100% in the general population are.

My relationships now are very open and honest. As has been said in relation to this thread it's the deception that's the issue.

I'm bi and as I said women can be just as bad.

As your partner is in a rugby team I'm guessing you're early 30's at most?

As to why they wouldn't admit cheating to team mates - because men gossip and tell their partners - yours did. Entirely possible they lie then too as a protective measure.

Many of my ex's own friends had no clue he played it very close to his chest as I know other cheats have done.

It's why he got away with it for 10 years.

My circle is extremely wide consisting of people I know from childhood to school, college, 2 different uni's opposite ends of the country, all over the uk, widely different backgrounds, cultures, religions, nationalities (I've lived overseas)...

Certainly not a 'pocket' ex and father were both army so moved around a lot and experienced many different communities

I'd wager if you did an anonymous survey asking if people would cheat if there was a GUARANTEE they wouldn't get caught...most would

Can you really honestly not see that emotional affairs in well-intentioned people can develop because a friendship turns into a crush turns into someone tying themselves in knots, because they have developed feelings for a friend over sustained periods of alone time with them? Sometimes it's not even real, and is more about how the person feels in themselves, but it destroys the trust. Many a marriage has been ruined because a spouse and friend take on equal importance. And many men (and women) really do think it's friendship until it is too late.

You can't say they would 100% have done it anyway. If they hadn't had this type of outlet perhaps they would have spoken to their spouse if they were feeling unfulfilled at home.

My ex boyfriend and I split for 6 months because his female friend was miserable with her boyfriend and she made a move. He didn't want to be with her but also wouldn't hurt her by cutting her off. I knew exactly where this was going and didn't want to hang around to get dumped - guess what, they're now together!

It has to be on a case by case basis. I knew the role that this "friend" was going to play when I met her.

Sorry about your ex Graphista, that's horrible. I think his teammates were plastered at the time so i'm not convinced they were all lying but who knows.

I don't agree - I know lots of people that have been faithful (and my circle is wide too, international and across country) and genuinely don't want to shag anyone else because it would gross them out/they'd feel too guilty. In an anonymous survey, I can categorically say I wouldn't want to, even if I never got caught. But yeah it might be a significant percentage.

Of course the ex and his friend may have ended up together anyway but I was damned if I was going to stick around being all ok with it.

If they hadn't had this type of outlet perhaps they would have spoken to their spouse if they were feeling unfulfilled at home.

In this type of case a lot of men head straight to the internet.

Of course you shouldn't have stuck around, that wasn't a platonic situation because she made a move on him and he didn't wave her off.

It is a case-by-case judgement I agree. I had a neighbour that made friends with a neighbour and even invited her on holiday with him and his wife. He then ran off with her. However their "friendship" was obviously way too intense and dodgy/flirty from the beginning.

I'm talking like, old time uni friends you meet with every couple of months. I'd have no problem with them having a catch up over dinner. If DP suddenly went to meet one of them every other day while I was at home pregnant I'd be suspicious just like OP.

I'm talking about the otherwise decent ones who don't want to physically cheat with a rando but end up "torn" between the women in their life.

Ah, but he did wave her off. That's the thing. He was adamant they were just old friends but I could see he was going to go off with her before he could. I guess when you know someone that well it helps red flag! :)

Yeah, there are guys like that. But couples will either talk about their problems or they won't - if they don't want to or are unfulfilled at work then that is the problem you need to work on by doing counselling or whatnot. Not giving them an outlet in the hope that they'll have to turn to you instead can backfire and they end up on some sleazy forum talking to 21 year olds.

Yeah, I see what you're saying. Sorry that happened to you.

*unfulfilled at home ever