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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I overreacting aboit DH's new female friend?

366 replies

EmbarrassedAndPregnant · 30/10/2017 08:48

Just to begin with, I'm 36 weeks pregnant and quite emotional. I'm scared I've overeacted hugely to this.

DH has a new female friend from work. They've been talking late at night, text a lot, went out for dinner once alone together. I don't have an issue with this. What I have an issue with is him lying to me about it!

I've thought something was up for a while, and today had a look at his IPad after he went to work. I'm not proud of that, but I just knew something was up. Turns out whenever he said he 'fell asleep downstairs watching a film' or 'was going out to dinner with a group of people from work' it was complete bullshit. He was either talking to or out with her. It's all perfectly innocent from what I've read, so why is there any need to lie to me in the first place?

So I have texted him about it Sad I'm just angry. I just feel like clearly something is going on if he can't just be honest about his relationship with a female friend. And now I feel particularly stupid because I'll have to wait till he gets home to discuss it properly.

Honestly, have I overeacted?

OP posts:
DownTownAbbey · 31/10/2017 07:38

I vaguely know someone who kept her OM is plain sight of her DH by pretending he was her gay best friend. My exH became 'matey ' with one of my female friends in plain sight, too. Guess what?

I'm very uncool too.

FritzDonovan · 31/10/2017 07:55

OP, im getting a weird kind of deja vu reading through your thread. hissy's post a bit back especially made me think. Im early 40s, back in my 20s i had not problem with dp going out alone to the opera with a female friend. Didnt think anything of it. This turned into a few years of secretive communication, culminating in him telling me he was leaving me(for her, although it wasn't clear at the time). We had also been
round to hers for a dinner party. The extent of his plans and secrecy are only recently becoming clear to me, its all related to a more recent friendship which had exactly the same hallmarks. Except i was a bit more savvy this time round. He also played the naive card this time, but look what happened when a 'friendship' developed before! Point is, there is no need for this involved one on one friendship, and he needs to understand why.Flowers

sadcaptains · 31/10/2017 08:10

You are definitely not being unreasonable OP, I would be fuming if my DP was behaving like that.

Sorry you're having to deal with this Flowers

Bigbertha123 · 31/10/2017 09:14

Really hope you're ok OP

rowtheboats · 31/10/2017 09:52

Hope you are ok op!

everyonehasissues · 31/10/2017 10:51

Hate when the OP starts something and doesn't reply for hours and hours I want to know what's happening haha!

SonicBoomBoom · 31/10/2017 11:09
Hmm

Yes, imagine, someone who is due to give birth soon whose life probably feels like it's imploding being so inconsiderate to not come back to the thread at acceptable intervals to update people who want to revell in the drama of someone else's misfortune.

everyonehasissues · 31/10/2017 12:46

@SonicBoomBoom take snarky comments elsewhere. Lol

FizzyGreenWater · 31/10/2017 12:51

SonicBoom's right, what a twatty comment.

RolfNotRudolf · 31/10/2017 13:02

Sonic Boom's not the problem commenter here

stormnigel · 31/10/2017 13:13

In this situation I did do the dinner. It confirmed what I had thought-that there was an emotional, if nothing else, affair going on...
Not a particularly easy night for me however...and I wasn’t pregnant either.
Hope you are ok op

Original poster
EmbarrassedAndPregnant · 31/10/2017 21:17

Currently DOING the dinner. They're both sitting on the sofa opposite me while I'm bouncing on my birthing ball. I'm exhausted, but just willing myself to stay up till she leaves. Or maybe DH is dropping her back. I really don't know.

They're planning a few marathons to do together abroad next year in front of me. I'm really waiting just to tell DH that I'm not happy with him staying in a hotel with just him and another woman. I really don't know if I think it seems innocent or not.

DH said that he was 'trying to save my feelings' and blamed his 'white lies' on how I've been so hormonal lately Hmm I thought I'd been quite reasonable so far, but clearly not.

I just don't know. I don't want to argue right now. I'm tired, nearly full term, and I just don't have the strength to tackle the issue Sad I still think something is off. But I'm not sure if it's my own insecurity.

OP posts:
Lottie509 · 31/10/2017 21:36

I would say in this situation trust your gut instinct.

All sounds really weird to me though. I wouldnt put up with it.

Mustang27 · 31/10/2017 21:36

Holy shit even if it is entirely innocent she is a complete idiot to chat going abroad with someone’s husband. You just don’t I have male friends that are married that I’ve known longer than they have known their wife and I’d still not dream of going abroad with them.

It’s definitely weird and I did say he will put the blame on you and your ‘feelings’ Hmm didn’t I. It’s hard to really do anything at the mo that won’t make you look unreasonable in his eyes.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 31/10/2017 21:50

You’re a better woman than me, I’d be asking them both what they’re playing at by planning. Their international marathons. They’ve assumed you’ll stay with the DC alone then Hmm
When is your next jolly?

mindutopia · 31/10/2017 21:53

Agree with the suggestion to trust your gut. My dh has never even gone abroad alone (I mean, like not on a stag do) with one of his male friends he's known for years. It's a really odd suggestion of someone to do with a woman from work he just met. My dh has a female work friend (they don't work together anymore, but used to work closely) who he's known for 6 years. That would be totally odd. Realistically, you will rarely get to go away yourselves soon or have a night out once baby arrives. It's a super strange suggestion to plan to go do that with someone new he just met who also happens to be a woman. I could see the dynamic possibly being different with a new male friend as the bonding is different and they tend to 'do' activities together in order to talk (fixing a car, going fishing, painting a room, whatever). But men and women tend not to do that together to bond in quite the same way, so it's really odd. How long has he actually known her? Trust your gut. It seems weird and I do think you need to raise your concerns, even if you are exhausted. You'll be more exhausted when baby arrives and I think you'll be wise to nip this in the bud now before that time comes.

AlonsosLeftPinky · 31/10/2017 21:55

I go on holidays with my male friends.

But there is nothing dodgy about our friendships, everything is open and above board, no lies, no sneaking, no secrets.

I think you're right to remain wary given the lies.

SonicBoomBoom · 31/10/2017 22:00

Let me guess. He works full time, and on top of that, he wants to commit 5, 10, 15? hours a week to marathon training for months, and then whole weekends abroad. While you are left alone at home with a tiny baby?

Has he always been such a selfish shit?

Does he have any intention of actually spending any time with his baby, once it gets here?

Tearsofthemushroom · 31/10/2017 22:04

I am afraid to say that my DH of 20 years left me six weeks ago for a woman that he had been'just friends' with for the past so years. Turns out that there had always been a spark there and they had hobbies in common that didn't include me and our DC. I had always trusted him completely with her but i don't think I stood a chance.

Greedynan · 31/10/2017 22:04

Does he know yet how you feel at all?

MsPavlichenko · 31/10/2017 22:15

Regardless, he shouldn't be planning to be travelling abroad to do ANY marathons at all. Alone, or with anyone else. Given that you are about to have a baby together.

I don't want to upset you. But to be brutal. He is having an affair in plain sight (not unusual). What stage I don't know. But essentially his mind is addled with the thrill/excitement/lust. So much so that he is prepared to parade it in front of your nose.

His pathetic excuses are just that. You need to toughen up I'm afraid. Face what he is doing, and get angry and then make your plans as to how you want to go forward.

ImListening · 31/10/2017 22:16

I’d be serving his ass on a plate. Throw them both out. How disrespectful to you. If it smells off it’s because it is.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 31/10/2017 22:18

Fucking hell, I’d throw the pair of them out now. Even if it’s innocent it’s not they’re completely taking the piss.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 31/10/2017 22:20

And everything Sonic said. **

FredericaFreiheit · 31/10/2017 22:22

OP - what your DH is doing is not right. You are carrying his child FFS! His attention, care, concern should be wrapped up in you, not in some other woman. Your intuition told you that something was 'off'. Listen to it.

I understand your need to concentrate on your baby, and becoming a Mum (I'm assuming this is your first) at the moment, so maybe you don't want to make a big thing of it right now - but I am a little concerned at how hard you find it to stand up for yourself.

It is not OK to lie to your wife about friendships with other women. It's not OK for him to neglect and upset his pregnant wife - you and your baby should absolutely be his priority now. You are right to be hurt and angry. As for 'I lied to you because you are hormonal' - what a knob - sorry - but your DH really isn't coming out of this very well. And as another poster put it - a marathon??? Who's going to be taking care of the little one whilst he gets all hot and sweaty doing the hours of 'marathon training' with his girlfriend? hours of training)