Am I overreacting aboit DH's new female friend?

[EmbarrassedAndPregnant]

Just to begin with, I'm 36 weeks pregnant and quite emotional. I'm scared I've overeacted hugely to this.

DH has a new female friend from work. They've been talking late at night, text a lot, went out for dinner once alone together. I don't have an issue with this. What I have an issue with is him lying to me about it!

I've thought something was up for a while, and today had a look at his IPad after he went to work. I'm not proud of that, but I just knew something was up. Turns out whenever he said he 'fell asleep downstairs watching a film' or 'was going out to dinner with a group of people from work' it was complete bullshit. He was either talking to or out with her. It's all perfectly innocent from what I've read, so why is there any need to lie to me in the first place?

So I have texted him about it I'm just angry. I just feel like clearly something is going on if he can't just be honest about his relationship with a female friend. And now I feel particularly stupid because I'll have to wait till he gets home to discuss it properly.

Honestly, have I overeacted?

*even, jfc

I do agree PN girl, in my case my DH developed feelings for the girl who was our tour assistant, simply because of tons and tons of one on one time together, meals out etc. He didnt go chasing it, it kind of developed I am told into a one sidedEA , she saw him as good friends (she was 21, he was 42) for him it became a massive crush, hence she was texting all the time unaware I’m told and he was naturally getting a huge buzz and keeping me in the dark at a time he was a bit depressed anyway. These things can just ‘creep up’ even on guys who 100% think they have decent marriages.

I sort of had an incident where I went for drinks after an event and chatted to someone and thought I fancied them. I felt shit about it then realised it's because me and DP were having a rough patch and I was unhappy with personal issues. I told him and we worked on it. End of. Never happened again. I don't think men are worse at "getting caught up in it" necessarily but maybe I'm wrong.

I still think if people are truly happy with their marriage, they wouldn't want to cheat or even think of it - even if they could get away with it. Look at the thread with the woman cheating on her husband. Literally what everyone is saying - if you were happy, you wouldn't do it. The times they do do it is when they're not 100% into the relationship any more - which is a lot of people, many settle and wait for someone else to come along which is shit.

my DH developed feelings for the girl who was our tour assistant, simply because of tons and tons of one on one time together, meals out etc. He didnt go chasing it, it kind of developed I am told into a one sidedEA , she saw him as good friends

Its pathetic when they do that isn't it?
I remember my ex developing a crush on a holiday rep.
We spent most of a 3 week holiday with him drooling over her every chance he got.
Everything we planned or did had to be run by her first
He even sought her out to ask about trivial shit, when she was at a sister hotel.

I think she thought he was pathetic as well and wondered why this middle aged man wouldn't leave her alone.
But there's no getting through to them when they have these silly crushes.

No can we please not get into 'if they were happy at home' crap that's blaming the cheated on partner/spouse. I was a perfectly good wife thank you

Exactly. I am saying that these things can happen and they are all about the state of mind of the cheater and not the relationship. Underappreciation or stress at work, bereavement, redundancy, these can all do funny things to people.

That thread? She is a recovering alcoholic and has admitted to replacing one addiction with another.

No can we please not get into 'if they were happy at home' crap that's blaming the cheated on partner/spouse.

Sorry, I didn't mean it like that. I meant unhappy due to anything - personal problems nothing to do with spouse, or just general unfulfillment/disillusionment even when the partner is great. People who in their head "aren't in it anymore", "having a midlife crisis" etc.

I am a long haul stewardess, I have no end of opportunity to cheat and not get caught, as do my colleagues- male and female. I'd say 80% don't.

I don't think men are worse at "getting caught up in it" necessarily but maybe I'm wrong

I think that for a chunk of life, men have more opportunities because the women pregnant, nursing and then looking after the children. In most couples we know, the man travels more with work, is more likely to have inconsistent work hours, and so on. It adds up to more opportunity. The women tend to be extremely busy and driven by the kids' needs and schedules.

And I think the men at this stage are more likely to because they feel neglected. Their little buddy seems to understand them and pay attention to them in a way that their wife, who is busy having and then raising their children, just doesn't.

I still think if people are truly happy with their marriage, they wouldn't want to cheat or even think of it - even if they could get away with it

I think that any relationship that lasts long term will go through hard times that aren't happy. Extended illnesses, losing a job, cross country moves, infertility, losing a child, a child with special needs, caring for a dying parent, etc. put phenomenal stress on a relationship. One (or both) partners don't feel their needs are met, and no one is happy. I think that whatever ground rules a relationship has needs to include a clause for when life just sucks.

My god, some men can't even make through a pregnancy! Some of the ones who can then can't handle their wife needing to time to recover from giving birth.

Please please let’s not blame the victim! Cheating is such a big, painful betrayal. Every single relationship has difficulties. And yet people cheat through opportunity and a sense of entitlement. Blaming it on your partner is really, really low.

And in my personal experience my Ex cheated when we were both at a high point in our relationship. Yet when I went to counselling, they were obsessed with finding the ‘cause’ within cracks of our relationship. Not that he was asshole. The cause is and always will be

• willing to betray the trust of your loved one for selfish wants. There doesn’t get a bigger crack in a relationship than that.

This is why it’s important to not let ourselves slide into opportunistic liaisons, by protecting our relationship with good boundaries. Especially where kids come into it.

Honeyroar really? I know 2 commercial long haul pilots and several aircrew - not all connected to each other and according to them there's rampant cheating/promiscuity. Thought that was fairly standard knowledge in that industry?

I am probably going to get burned for this but this has all the hall marks of an emotional affair (if not a physical one) Yes having just been engaged in one with my first love for the last 17 months. I'm not proud of myself and it looks like i've lost a very good lovely man because of it. i came clean in recent days. He's left me which i can't blame him. I have behaved dreadfully and if i could turn the clock back i would it's been a complete nightmare and i've been so stupid as it's been a complete mess. I was drawn in by our man i thought stupidly loved me. Which he didn't but it's a mess of my own making. I accept full blame that i have hurt a wonderful man who deserved none of this. I will live with regret that i hurt a truely lovely kind man who loved me with all he had. Who stood by me when i had cancer and survived with he's support and love. We had drifted some in our relationship and i felt he no longer desired me. ( which ultimately i have found out is common after a major illness he didn't want to pressure me). I feel such an idiot. No going back now though. Ultimately trust your instinct if it feels wrong it probably is. if he's texting or contacting late at night with this woman something is not right here. Good luck.

@EmbarrassedAndPregnant how are things? I hope there has been an improvement in his behaviour.

This is why it’s important to not let ourselves slide into opportunistic liaisons, by protecting our relationship with good boundaries

Sorry, this still sounds controlling. If a woman said her husband said this to her, that's what everyone would call it. I don't think trying to take away opportunities (stopping them travelling? Stopping them meeting women?) will do anything other than cause resentment and if they're unhappy they'll find some other way, like the internet or "working late".

If they don't want to then they won't even it there's an opportunity. Plenty of us have opportunities but just don't ever want to - I went for a 2 week holiday alone to China fgs.

The "men are travelling with work and women are at home" is a massive generalisation and for most people only true for about a year, then both are working and taking equal share of looking after the kids - in the families I know anyway.

I am a Scottish Female and I work overseas for extended periods of time.. as does my Husband.. but not at the same time as we have teenage children .... I work in a male dominated industry.. Yolo is correct.. opportunity is rife.. it's whether you say yes or no... that defines you.. it's always a NO from me

I hope you are ok as your emotions must be all over the place. How dare he strike up a new friendship when you need him 100% on board at this time in your life. I would not be happy with this. My partner has female work colleagues but if he focused his attention on one female I would go mad.Best to meet her as able to see what there interaction is like. Although why put yourself through entertaining someone that is a threat to your relationship.