Am I overreacting aboit DH's new female friend?

[EmbarrassedAndPregnant]

Just to begin with, I'm 36 weeks pregnant and quite emotional. I'm scared I've overeacted hugely to this.

DH has a new female friend from work. They've been talking late at night, text a lot, went out for dinner once alone together. I don't have an issue with this. What I have an issue with is him lying to me about it!

I've thought something was up for a while, and today had a look at his IPad after he went to work. I'm not proud of that, but I just knew something was up. Turns out whenever he said he 'fell asleep downstairs watching a film' or 'was going out to dinner with a group of people from work' it was complete bullshit. He was either talking to or out with her. It's all perfectly innocent from what I've read, so why is there any need to lie to me in the first place?

So I have texted him about it I'm just angry. I just feel like clearly something is going on if he can't just be honest about his relationship with a female friend. And now I feel particularly stupid because I'll have to wait till he gets home to discuss it properly.

Honestly, have I overeacted?

Noooo autumn, my post wasn't aimed at the OP! It was a reply to a poster sanddune who took issue with me saying I didn't mind OH going for a meal or cinema with a friend (and ignored the rest of my post about boundaries). I already replied to the OP a couple of times with lengthy posts saying how her OH is a shit and being unreasonable if you look a page or two back 😂

In fact my posts basically said exactly what you've just said to me 😂

Him staying in the other room and texting/chatting with her when you are alone in bed is a massive issue. He's living a lie.

I would read the messages, and I would look for other things. I would want to know the truth, and I wouldn't believe that he would just tell me if I asked.

I wouldn't have her around for dinner. Rather than playing hostess, my DH would be putting some serious effort into convincing me that he didn't need to go packing.

My DH and I don't socialize with the opposite sex without each other. We just don't. Sometimes work things come up, but we are very honest and upfront, and speak clearly and respectfully to each other. We are way past being cool -- too many of our friends are divorced over what started as friendships or work relationships.

May be your DH just needs a massive wake up call about what actually matters in his life. Give him that wake up call.

If someone's gonna cheat you can't stop them, and if you don't trust them not to you don't really have much of a relationship
Yeah course you can't stop them but if there's no opportunity you won't need to stop them because it just wouldn't happen.

We have been married 40 years, there's no way on this earth either of us would go out for dinner with someone of the opposite sex, why the hell would we, its not normal. I don't know anyone who would. Dinner or the cinema is too intimate, an attraction can easily start from such a setting imo.

This is how my ex started his affair .

Ah sanddune, I think it's a generational thing (with you saying how long you've been married). I do know some older people (sixties and above) who have a similar rule but in my peer group (late twenties to late thirties) it absolutely is normal to do those things and someone expecting their partner not to would get some serious side eye/be viewed as controlling.

I'm 33 and it has never been normal for me and people I know.

My colleague's partner has just left him after 13 years for the male friend she was going out for regular dinners/drinks with to console him through a breakup. She is 29.

I'm in my late 40s and I'd think it odd.

In my late 20s/30s I'd have seen no harm. I'd always had blokes as main friends when at college etc.

The last 20 years have made me think differently about what people choose to do when in relationships.

This behaviour is absolutely how affairs are given the oxygen to survive.

Of course I'm not saying that all people going out with members of the opposite sex are going to cheat on their partners, but the older you get the more you realise the importance of investing in companionship within your relationship.

Actually, the more occasions you put yourself in these situations, the likelihood increases that you realise that one of your previously 'safe' mates, isn't as platonic a mate as you thought.

You also see how some men/women WILL make plays or encourage or try their luck with others already in relationships. You learn that friends and family aren't as trustworthy as you thought.

They're a little bit bored, a little insecure and smart phones and social media make it all far too easy to have 'silent' conversations.

I too would be furious at the dishonesty. In my experience men are more willing to be dishonest when it's convenient for them. I would totally throw the book at him, make him sleep in the spare room etc to hope to hammer through his stupid skull that there will be no compromise on complete honesty.

I am in roughly the reverse situation: I have a male friend whose wife doesn't like him associating with me (long story ... basically, not because she thinks there was ever anything between me and him but because he used to have a huge crush (ok, an obsession) on a good friend of mine). We weren't in touch for ages until we ran into each other a few months ago and now we occasionally meet for coffee. I haven't asked, but I suspect he hasn't told his wife about this, maybe for fear of upsetting her again or thinking how it might look. I'm not really comfortable with that thought, but at the same time it's not my place to manage his relationship with his wife. I'm mentioning this only to counterbalance the 'he's having an affair' posts ... It's possible for a man to be just friends, but also to (ill advisedly) lie about it, without any of this necessarily signalling that he's having an affair.

Actually posting that just now makes me think that I should ask him if his wife knows we're in contact and encourage him to tell her if not...

Sorry for the hijack!

I understand what you're saying Lemonshark but who knows, maybe we have the secret to a long and happy marriage.....
We certainly don't feel we've missed out. I just couldn't imagine my husband sitting opposite a woman in an intimate setting wining and dining, i'm no prude but to me it seems wrong. I don't necessarily think it's a generational thing, i have sons and daughters in their thirties who only go for meals with their partners or mixed friends.

They've been talking late at night, text a lot, went out for dinner once alone together.
Turns out whenever he said he 'fell asleep downstairs watching a film' or 'was going out to dinner with a group of people from work' it was complete bullshit. He was either talking to or out with her

Absolutely nothing wrong with having opposite sex friends however there are usually boundaries which all parties are happy with and your husband is lying to you about where he has been, talking to this woman for hours instead of spending time with you, his pregnant wife and going out to dinner with her and lying about it.

Hes already choosing her over you and lying about it. Ask yourself why. At the very least hes cheating on you by having an emotional affair.The big red flag is the secrecy and he's broken your trust.

Please google some definitions of emotional affairs so you are clear on what is happening because trust me, your partner is going to try and minimise this and make this out to be your pregnancy hormones overeacting, "because he knew you would react like this and thats why he didnt tell you" (lied to you)
Theres something called the script that men follow when caught out and I think you should read it to prepare for what your husband might say, he will deny, minimise, blame it on you. I think if you do a search for the script on mumsnet it has been posted before.

Pregnancy is often a time when men cheat on their partners. And dont be fooled by her coming to visit. Ewan Macgregors wife welcomed his new work colleague friend into the family home for dinner just before he left his wife for the new work colleague.

I think what someone said awhile back is key here. It’s the intensity and secrecy that’s problematic. My husband and I both have friends of the opposite sex. Mostly when we see them, we invite them over for drinks or dinner (because we have small children and it’s rare for either of us to have a dinner out, with anyone, including each other). These friends are largely ones we’ve known a long time - much longer than we’ve known each other (so 10+ years). There is no secrecy. They’re lovely people and our relationship is secure and we know each other’s partners.

But it would be really out of line for one of us to develop a new relationship with a stranger that went from nothing to messaging for hours a night and avoiding spending time with each other to do it in the space of a few months. We certainly message friends, but not for hours a night and it’s not anything secret and it’s all very above board (these are friends we’ve known for years, like both of us, who come and spend the night at our house, come for dinner, have been to our children’s birthdays, nothing weird). If friends aren’t that close to us, they are work colleagues and they stay that. We keep our professional relationships professional. And we just don’t go out to dinner alone with work colleagues, male or female, unless it’s like a work function. No one needs to be that intense and secretive about a work mate. If they’re a good friend, that’s a relationship that will develop slowly over time and in the open.

Sorry you’re going through all this. Hope you get some answers tonight.

I would be appalled at this behaviour, staying up late at night and texting her for hours, in my mind he has already been unfaithful by doing that.

I think what someone said awhile back is key here. It’s the intensity and secrecy that’s problematic

Exactly.

He knows what he’s doing is wrong which is why he’s lying about it!

He’s putting more time and effort into this ‘friendship’ than he is into his relationship with you and lying to cover it up. That’s completely unacceptable.

My husband doesn't go on dates with other women and vice versa. No need to feel you are uptight or not "cool" if it's the same for you

Op...your H is deceitful. Deceitful people have something to hide. I am sorry he has put you in this position.

He knows he’s doing something wrong because otherwise he wouldn’t be lying about it and messaging her when you’ve gone to bed.

Cancel the dinner. Its very odd to be involved in numerous text messages late at night with a married man whose wife is pregnant - it’s not something she wouldn’t be aware of.

She’s not a welcome presence in your life so you might as well make that clear to your DH now.

Men and women can be friends but those that are don’t communicate secretly and lie about it. Ergo it’s something more than that and he needs to nip it in the bud and start looking at his priorities....like supporting his pregnant wife and stop being a prick.

I am also very uncool. No way would I accept DH going out to dinner with another woman. He would also not want me out with another man.

When I used to be ‘cool’, I got cheated on.

But OP, this is about you and what you feel is comfortable for you in your relationship.

Only upset on your behalf, that you texted him rather than wait for him to get home. He’s got ages to come up with excuses

I realised it was beyond a joke when these texts were never mentioned and never remained on his phone and 6 and 7 a day many days (ok its not 60) to me is too much for a 'casual friend' when he rarely if ever texted me. As people have said secrecy and intensity is the key and rushing to respond early in mornings and late at night for no reason. My H really cant understand now why he did it, although he realises it was bang out of order, so in my opinion it comes down to something they dont like to admit, 'ego, boredom and getting a buzz' , the kind you get in a new proper romantic relationship, except in many cases there is no 'relationship' of that kind.

Some advice for when he gets home OP, I expect he'll focus on excusing the reasons why he spent time texting and seeing her, his concern will be making their relationship appear innocent. Your focus must be on getting an explanation for why he lied about it. Don't let him twist the discussion anywhere else, keep returning to why he lied because that's the biggest betrayal here and the thing you need an honest explanation for, however hurtful for you or difficult for him.

No, your not over reacting, he's lied to you and been spending his energy and time on her when you are feeling vulnerable. Pretty low, I hope you get it sorted

am I really the only one who would simply not be okay with DH going out to dinner, just him and another woman? I would not accept that. I trust him implicitly, and I'm not jealous as such, but I would find going out and doing date-like things - out to dinner, going to a film, things like that - between just DH and a woman highly inappropriate.

I''ll be uncool with you.
Going out for dinner with another woman while your wife, your pregnant wife is sitting at home twiddling her thumbs and worrying, is wrong on so many levels.
Why isn't he going out for dinner with his wife?

I agree, one on one is too much like a date.
Business trip meals, or work related in the daytime, or out in evening as part of a group is one thing,
but I agree that one on one dinner is too much like a date.
An emotional affair is brewing, at the very least.

He's investing his time and emotions with another woman and lying about what he's doing and who he's doing it with. This is completely and utterly wrong, and he knows it. Why else would he lie about it?

You're 36 weeks pregnant with his child, and he's looking elsewhere for attention and flattery, when he should be making sure you're doing ok and getting ready to be a family. With you.

I'm sorry, OP. This is really piss poor behaviour.

Almost a shame you've given him all day to think up some really creative excuses before he gets home...

Another uncool wife here, no way would I be happy with DH going to dinner or the cinema with a female friend-those are things he does with me.
OP hope you have nipped this in the bud.

He’s having an (emotional) affair, and while you’re heavily pregnant to boot. Bastard.