Am I overreacting aboit DH's new female friend?

[EmbarrassedAndPregnant]

Just to begin with, I'm 36 weeks pregnant and quite emotional. I'm scared I've overeacted hugely to this.

DH has a new female friend from work. They've been talking late at night, text a lot, went out for dinner once alone together. I don't have an issue with this. What I have an issue with is him lying to me about it!

I've thought something was up for a while, and today had a look at his IPad after he went to work. I'm not proud of that, but I just knew something was up. Turns out whenever he said he 'fell asleep downstairs watching a film' or 'was going out to dinner with a group of people from work' it was complete bullshit. He was either talking to or out with her. It's all perfectly innocent from what I've read, so why is there any need to lie to me in the first place?

So I have texted him about it I'm just angry. I just feel like clearly something is going on if he can't just be honest about his relationship with a female friend. And now I feel particularly stupid because I'll have to wait till he gets home to discuss it properly.

Honestly, have I overeacted?

Yep agree, looks like an emotional affair....for now....😕

YANBU at all. But please don't look at his iPad and don't text him about it again! These sort of issues should not be dealt with through text messages. Wait until he comes home and have a conversation with him. I'm suggesting not to look into his iPad again because you fear that you can't trust him, but if you look into his private messages, how should he think he can trust you?

I completely understand how upset you are, I would be up on the ceiling in your place. What he is doing is NOT okay at any level from what you are saying, but he may be able to explain himself! I would give him a chance.

I guess I just need to hold it together until 5pm I can't see him coming home from lunch to discuss it.

'The Risk of Opposite-sex Friendships in Marriage'

www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8122_OSFriend.html

I don't think it is wrong to have a friend of the opposite sex from work - my fiancé and I both hang out (networking) with colleagues on a one on one basis sometimes.

As PP have said - it is the lying. I would also say that the huge number of messages is also concerning. That makes it sound more than just networking/team bonding. I mean, they see each other at work so why do they need to talk late into the night?

I think if you calmly explain your reservations, he should understand. I don't think it is an affair at all but I think it is a bit odd.

Sod it - Have a look.
That's how I found out about my recent ExP.
Actually I was downstairs one night while he was 'passed out' in bed.
Yeah right.
I was watching the conversation from the iPad as it was happening.
If you've half challenged him, he will panicking and messaging her.
I would have to know what was being said between them.

A man who stays up chatting to another woman instead of going to bed with his dw is up to no good imo.

Oh OP, I'm sorry. Why does he want her to come for dinner? Is it a deliberate 'hey look, nothing wrong here!' to clear the way for further meet ups with her, or does he genuinely want you to know her so you don't feel threatened and maybe you'll get along as well?

There's nothing wrong with having a female friend, nothing at all. The lying is a huge problem though.

I don't necessarily think he's having an affair, though. Fingers crossed for now he's being a twat for not telling the truth, and this is the start of putting it right?

I really hope your talk with him goes well.

Personally I would absolutely look at the ipad again, in order to see what activity there has been since. I wouldn't be surprised if alllll those messages had vanished by now. You need to know as much as you can here.

This is not at ALL about a friendship. This isn't a friendship, if it were, there would be no need to lie to you. This is about the start of an (at least) emotional affair, as others have said.

It's not a good sign that you say you can't see him coming home to discuss it at lunch. He shoudl be running home. But maybe he's used to being the one in the driving seat, able to dismiss you?

You need to start from the point that this isn't a friendship and you are not willing to stay in a relationship with someone who lies to you about his relationships with other women. Or lies to you about anything, really.

Honestly, I have no idea of his intentions with inviting her over for dinner. We both have male and female friends, I've never expressed an issue with her or anyone else until a couple of hours ago when I messaged him.

I just had an inkling something wasn't right there's just no need to lie about seeing her, where he is or what he's doing.

I just hope he's got some way of explaining this.

Woah so not overeacting! Dinner and late texts?

What a mean and selfish man. My Ex did this, it was just lunch dates but still, totally selfish, always with women in his fancying range. Never an older woman or male friend! It’s a massive ego stroke at the very least, and it shows he doesn’t care about boundaries around you as a couple.

Put it this way, if you were doing the same, he’d hate it. That was actually the only way I got my Ex to see, by hooking up with an old flame myself and going for dinner. Nothing inappropriate I told him, just chatting... of course I was getting a massive amount of attention - then we ended our relationship. Thank goodness. I had a one year old, it was still better.

It’s the insecurity. You’re having his child for God’s sake. Stand firm. Remember

• you are not being insecure. HE is making your relationship insecure.
• you are not being paranoid or jealous over nothing. HE is getting attention and basically having an emotional affair. HE is being disloyal. Doesn’t matter even if he were honest. This is wrong.
• you matter. You are not the problem. You need to take 100% care of yourself and your baby. You are going into one of the most vulnerable times of your life, a time when you might feel unattractive, stressed, tired, low - this is the one time you need complete security from your partner. He’s abusing your needs and that of his child by adding to your stress.
• so make yourself number one, kick him out if you need to, move your mother in, do what it takes and make sure you have a wonderful time with your baby. Everyone who is not helping you in the next few months can take a run and jump.

Thank you all. It really means so much being able to talk this through on here. There really isn't anyone I can talk to in real life about this yet.

He had no business to be going out to dinner with her. Most husbands wouldn't dare do that. Taking a woman out to dinner while little pregnant wife at home?

NO!

Of course it isn't acceptable behaviour to be going out for dinner with a female friend and texting her for hours. You aren't pathetic. And certainly don't even think about entertaining her to dinner. Is she Camilla Parker Bowles. And look how that worked out. Sorry don't agree with this close female friends nonsense.

The lying is bad. But honestly OP this is not something he should be doing anyway. Lying or not.

Healthy secure relationships = healthy boundaries!

Actually I don't necessarily think it's a good sign that she's coming for dinner.

If he wasn't messaging her late at night all the time, if he wasn't avoiding coming to bed so he can message her and if he wasn't going on secret meals with her then yes I'd say it was a good sign she's coming for dinner.

But her coming for dinner along with his actions towards her is, to me, his way of trying to make it look innocent. Sort of "well if I bring her for dinner OP won't get suspicious".

I think he obviously fancies her and enjoys her time and company.
Not a problem that he has a female friend but the amount of time he's spending on her IS a problem as well as the secrets and I think even if they haven't done anything physical, it's definitely over stepped the line into an emotional affair.

I would be saying the same if it was a male as well. Not necessarily the emotional affair bit, but regardless of gender spending so much time messaging somebody and having these secrets is not great.

You're having his baby in a few weeks and he'd prefer to sit downstairs texting this woman instead of coming up to bed with you. If he's doing that BEFORE you've had the baby I can only imagine how he'll be after you've had the baby. Next it'll be "I'll sleep downstairs tonight so I don't get woken up".

I would now give him an ultimatum

It’s the lying that makes this suspicious.
Nothing wrong wth him having a female friend.. what is wrong is him staying up and texting and speaking to her.. then lying to you saying he was watching a film.
Not on at all.
Tell him if it’s all so innocent he will let you see all their messages...

If he is lying to you it’s not innocent. I’m
Sorry he is doing this to you.

Agree with autumn.

You're pregnant! He should be caring about your feelings, not nurturing a brand new friendship. Set out your boundaries and don't worry if he compares you with any other 'cool wives'.

My boundaries: no dinners with female friends except for a select few who have been around for years and years.

No new female friendships that involve 1 to 1 outings/dinners/dates.

No late night texting with any women!

Please confide in a friend in real life: it will really help.

It can be quite a common way of hiding an affair by hiding in plain sight and passing off as a friendship for both men and women. It’s quite clever really as it has the persons spouse questioning themselves and feeling guilty for it.

Again though if it was completely innocent he wouldn’t lie. Do expect when you confront him to blame you and say he lied because he knew you would react this way and he was only offloading on her because you are pregnant and stuff.

I just feel physically sick.

I don't want to even be having to have this conversation with him. I shouldn't have to be in the first place.

I know it's very un mumsnetty to not be "cool" about DH having female friends, but am I really the only one who would simply not be okay with DH going out to dinner, just him and another woman? I would not accept that. I trust him implicitly, and I'm not jealous as such, but I would find going out and doing date-like things - out to dinner, going to a film, things like that - between just DH and a woman highly inappropriate.

Why wouldn't we all go together? Why would he ever need alone time with another woman, just the two of them? I can't think of any honest reason that my DH or I would ever need to go spend alone time with another member of the opposite sex. I wouldn't go out just me and another man, and my DH would never and has never so much as implied wanting to. I want my DH to meet and spend time with my male friends, as I know they'll get on and I would like us all to be friends, and vice versa.

And, in fact, none of my male friends has ever (and I honestly don't think would ever) invited me, or any other married woman, to anything just the pair of us, nor has any of DH's female friends that I'm aware of.

There is nothing wrong in my mind with, say, DH happening to find himself alone with a female friend, say after a works do and everyone else has gone, or something like that, or popping out for a coffee while finishing a work discussion, nor with DH having female mates that he sees socially in general, but to make plans and go out together just out as a pair, or to be texting a woman all the time, I simply would not accept that at all, and DH would never accept that from me.

Please don't get me wrong: I have no judgment of other people on that front. Everything in this post has been "I, me, we" and not "people in general". I would never tell anybody else that they should or should not spend time with people of the opposite sex, as I don't think other people shouldn't do that. Their marriage is not my marriage, and obviously what makes one happy may infuriate someone else. I'm only saying that's how it is in my marriage, and in my social circle.

I'm only asking, am I the only one?? Are my friends and DH and I really all just uptight, "possessive" prudes?

Also, @OP, I agree 100% with what @Autumnskies said. Do read her post, and take that to heart, please love. It's really well stated and very important.

Take action now OP, myDH lied too , when as far as I’m aware he had no need to. He just knew it would piss me off that he was ‘getting a buzz’ from someone showing him attention. It caused huge friction between us and what I think they fail to understand isn’t the fact they ‘have a friend’ , it’s the fact they aren’t being open about it one bit and in many cases lie. My DH was meeting this person for coffees too etc without ever mentioning it. He is now remorseful and knows he has buggered trust up etc, but the problem is however remorseful they are a little part of your relationship dies in my opinion and it’s hard to get it back .