Am I overreacting aboit DH's new female friend?

[EmbarrassedAndPregnant]

Just to begin with, I'm 36 weeks pregnant and quite emotional. I'm scared I've overeacted hugely to this.

DH has a new female friend from work. They've been talking late at night, text a lot, went out for dinner once alone together. I don't have an issue with this. What I have an issue with is him lying to me about it!

I've thought something was up for a while, and today had a look at his IPad after he went to work. I'm not proud of that, but I just knew something was up. Turns out whenever he said he 'fell asleep downstairs watching a film' or 'was going out to dinner with a group of people from work' it was complete bullshit. He was either talking to or out with her. It's all perfectly innocent from what I've read, so why is there any need to lie to me in the first place?

So I have texted him about it I'm just angry. I just feel like clearly something is going on if he can't just be honest about his relationship with a female friend. And now I feel particularly stupid because I'll have to wait till he gets home to discuss it properly.

Honestly, have I overeacted?

the 'cool girl' responses

I'm getting a bit tired of this mythical 'cool girl' crap. It's being trotted out so much just lately. It really is becoming the new 'pearl-clutcher.'

Just accept that some people have different POVS without being mean about it. Name-calling is somewhat immature and hijacks threads like this one, where a real life person is reaching out for a range of opinions.

The reality is that being a 'cool girl' should be the norm, not something to sneer at. If you are being treated with respect and your partner is genuinely trustworthy, then of course you should be a 'cool girl' about stuff. No reason not to be. Unfortunately many people know they don't have this luxury. And assume others also don't.

Same, the "cool girl" thing is such a pointless insult because surely all relationships should be free and trusting?I trust my BF and generally couldn't give 2 shits what he does when not with me (apart from hard drugs/shagging girls).

And I love my own space/friends/hobbies and treat him how I want to be treated i.e. given freedom and trust.

To anyone who doesn't let their boyfriends go out for dinner with other girls - why? Do you think they'll stick it in any rando over you if given the chance? Isn't that really insecure? Why not just lock him in a cellar so he can't look at any girls?

I don't know how anyone stays in a relationship for more than 10 mins where your partner says "you don't need any friends of the opposite sex, why are you going to the cinema with her when you have me"

I hate coolgirl too. It looks down on people who want healthy boundaries as if they are uptight, past it, not exciting. It’s quite misogynistic and is women putting down other women for sticking up for themselves.

However if people want to have open relationships or lots of opposite sex friends that’s fine for them. It is usually before kids and marriage though, and how that transition is made is crucial for long term relationship stability.

I have a friend who's relationship started this way.
I was also invited to these dinners and out to the pub to make it all look innocent.
I was so mad when I twigged what was going on.

Her behaviour at dinner speaks volumes OP, sorry.

"women putting down other women for sticking up for themselves."

I don't think women banning their boyfriends from having female friends or a life outside of home is "women sticking up for themselves", I think it's insecure and paranoid.

Surely in a healthy relationship you agree where the boundaries are (and that they may be subject to change over time)? And if yours are way different to his, you’re not compatible.

OP I would point out to your H that this woman was rude and dismissive of you in your own home and ask whether he finds that acceptable. I would note that although they’ve so much to say he stays up messaging her at night, they were strangely tongue-tied in your presence. And I would ask outright if he thinks she is a friend to your marriage. And if his answers don’t completely reassure you I’d tell him you need space to assess whether you want to continue in a relationship with someone who is letting you down at a watershed moment in life and whether you need, for example, an alternative birth companion. You are not being paranoid or hormonal and he needs to realise what he’s putting on the line.

Yolo but he has been lying about the time he has spent with her. Then when she came to dinner they barely spoke cmon even the biggest fool can see this is not a platonic relationship. I’m completely supportive of any friendship my oh best friend is female. The lying is the sticking point for most on the thread.

@Mustang I agree - the lying in this case makes it very suspicious. I'm just flabbergasted by all the responses from people saying they don't let their partners have friends of the opposite sex, or that their partners shouldn't want to go to the cinema with anyone apart from them! I would run a mile.

But yes in a healthy relationship you both set and agree to the boundaries, so if both people are like this, then fair enough...

It is not about a partner having a friend of the opposite sex. OP was fine with her H having dinner and conversation with this woman.

She isn't fine with him lying to have dinner with her and lying to have conversation with her.

She isn't fine with him telling her that he told her little white lies because she was pregnant and hormonal.

OP was not insecure she was spot on the beans about her H's deceit.

Yes obvz I agree that bit is dodgy, one only lies if one's done something they're uncomfortable about

yolo I really do care what my partner gets up to when he's not with me. I hope he has integrity and doesn't do anything that wouldn't match his morals and our shared boundaries. I don't want him to go to the cinema with a female friend as I think it's a romantic/date-ish thing to do. Same with dinner. I don't have a problem with a big group dinner/drinks, though.

I treat my friends differently to my partner and would do different things with them.

When I was 20, I would never have said all this, but life experience has taught me personally that this is the best way to have a successful relationship. I protect my marriage with these boundaries.

Op: "my husband is exhibiting behaviour A"

Respondent 1: "I do X, Y and Z so I don't know what the problem is"

Respondent 2: "so what about behaviour A then ?"

Respondent 1: "Err, well of course that's not ok..."

Rest of the internet: "ffs"

I think that in cases where your DH starts spending lots of time with a new woman you have never met and then later you get the "It just happened, we never meant to hurt you, we're soooulmates" routine, it is less humiliating if you have already expressed that you are unhappy with the intensity of the "friendship".

In many cases these brand new friendships take up a lot of time and headspace, with an assumption that the wife will quite happily sit home alone doing the childcare. Of course it's different if you don't live together, share responsibilities, etc.

I wasn't responding to the OP (I did that pages ago) but to the various other comments I've read here.

Fair enough if that's your opinion - I don't think dinner with opposite sex is datey, I have a male friend from uni who lives really far from me but works close-ish to me and every 2-3 months we go for dinner after work. Because the only time we can meet is after work, one needs to eat anyway and he doesn't drink - dinner allows a decent 2hr catch up! I always invite my BF but he doesn't go because he says we should have a good catch-up, and if he went it would be 2 hours of him sitting clueless while we gossip about people from our uni and what everyone's up to. Also, he'd rather be at home playing Playstation lol.

Again, I think most people are referring to one-on-one as in nobody else is invited!

Although the intensity of the friendship in OP's case does raise alarm bells. Go with your gut?

DH let me look at his phone this morning before work. He seemed caught off guard by it, so I don't think he had a chance to delete anything incriminating.

All she had text him was to say she had a lovely time and enjoyed meeting me!

DH also came home early from work and spent an incredibly boring afternoon in bed with me. Didn't touch his phone once, which was pretty surprising.

Maybe he's actually taken on board what I've said!

All the best OP

Hopefully he has, OP.

If your spidey senses twitch again, then trust your gut. But hopefully you have nipped this in the bud and he will rethink his behaviour.

Good luck OP, and enjoy the baby when it comes!

@EmbarrassedAndPregnant Hopefully he had a wake up call and has his head on straight again. Good for you for standing up for yourself!

To some extent, I think we end up with the marriages we demand. It doesn't sound romantic, but since people are imperfect, we tend it get the things right that we draw boundaries around and require. He doesn't get to text another woman in the middle of the night.

Good luck.

I really mean this, thank you all so much. I really don't think I could handle this on my own.

I'm going to remain vigilant though. Hopefully there won't be any cause for concern again!