Am I overreacting aboit DH's new female friend?

[EmbarrassedAndPregnant]

Just to begin with, I'm 36 weeks pregnant and quite emotional. I'm scared I've overeacted hugely to this.

DH has a new female friend from work. They've been talking late at night, text a lot, went out for dinner once alone together. I don't have an issue with this. What I have an issue with is him lying to me about it!

I've thought something was up for a while, and today had a look at his IPad after he went to work. I'm not proud of that, but I just knew something was up. Turns out whenever he said he 'fell asleep downstairs watching a film' or 'was going out to dinner with a group of people from work' it was complete bullshit. He was either talking to or out with her. It's all perfectly innocent from what I've read, so why is there any need to lie to me in the first place?

So I have texted him about it I'm just angry. I just feel like clearly something is going on if he can't just be honest about his relationship with a female friend. And now I feel particularly stupid because I'll have to wait till he gets home to discuss it properly.

Honestly, have I overeacted?

oh ignore me the rest of the thread wouldn’t load but has now!

The way they behaved at dinner smacks of guilt laden desperation to show there ISN'T anything untoward happening.

Again I say tell him this 'friendship' ends now! It is not good for your marriage.

piper I thought I must have written your post in my sleep, it is so similar to how I feel about my situation!
OP, I completely second what piper said about the destructive nature of 'white lies' in a relationship. You've caught him relatively early, make sure he knows exactly what is appropriate and what is not, or he will keep stretching the boundaries of what he can 'innocently' get away with. You need to have that talk now, before he goes too far.

This needs nipping in the bud before baby comes. Newborns are full on. I cannot emphasise that enough. You're both going to be exhausted in the early days/weeks/months and tensions can run high. He's going to need to be 100% on board; no time for 1:1 meals with this friend of his or whatever she is. You may find the friendship fizzles once baby comes but keep an eye, because he may also find excuses to stay late at work. Seriously, babies can be very demanding. Being in the office is a break.

The audacity of some people though. This girl... what is she thinking?

And as somebody else mentioned, it's not so much the fact she's a woman that's a prob, it's the lies and him blaming your hormones. So insulting. Distracts from HIS actions and behaviour. Late night messaging - no, not necessary. 1:1 meals - Hmmm - was it lunch in the break out area at work or an evening meal?

You've now been open about your feelings. I think you need to now be very explicit about what you are/are not comfortable with re this friendship. Are you ok with them running together; lunching together; texting late night?? Perhaps ask him him to define what his relationship is with this woman and how he thinks it will develop if they spend a lot of time alone training together. Ask him if he thinks, given how unhappy you are about this, plus the imminent arrival of a baby, whether it is a good idea to pursue this friendship. Define the boundaries clearly. Ask him what he is willing to agree to and decide whether you will accept that.

The arrival of a newborn can be a very testing time for a couple. I cannot emphasise that enough. It is perfectly ok for you to tell him you are worried. You accept that it may be innocent in his eyes. But it is a sensitive time and he needs to focus his time and energy on his family right now.

Any more lies/secrecy/deception after that would be ringing serious alarm bells for me though xx

I really think his behavior around this "friendship" has been gas lighting. He repeatedly lied to you, and then when called out on it blamed it on you for being "hormonal." He has tried to paint the situation as completely normal (such as having the dinner), when clearly it isn't. He has caused you to question what is real and what is reasonable by causing you to question your own perceptions.

I hope that the next few weeks of your pregnancy go well, and that you stay healthy. I hope your delivery goes well, and that your baby is healthy. I hope you heal quickly and well.

Eventually, you'll have to sort things out with him. I'm not sure when the best time is to do that. Your priority needs to be yourself and your child, and it is really, really unfortunate that those aren't his priorities right now. He's planning a f*cking holiday for next year with his little pal. His head is not where it needs to be.

Oh OP, this is just such a shitty thing for him to do. I can not believe the audacity of them to sit and plan a holiday together while you are ready to pop new life into the world and are literally sat on a birthing ball! When I was that pregnant with all 4 of mine my husband was the absolute master of making me feel more secure, loved and cherished than ever before and it makes me so angry that yours is being such a twat.

I also agree with others, they sat there hardly speaking and it is in the hope of downplaying their "friendship" so you do not worry. The fact that she sat playing on her phone and just threw a few perfunctory questions at you says it all really. And to plan a holiday away together!! MY GOD!!

Just seen that the cheeky wretch did come to dinner. Their disrespect to you is utterly awful. You're a better woman than me as her ears would have been ringing by the time I finished with her. & him. Sitting in your home, accepting your hospitality whilst talk of trips abroad is going on. Your DH is stupidly selfish and will find the grass often is not greener on the other side. Who knows what will.happen? But if you have to survive without him, you will. Quietly get all financial paperworks and document copies together, bank statements pension details savings accounts etc. Everything. Sreenshot their messages. Dont announce this to him, don't say a word about this aspect at all. You just never know. Oh and JWrecks I'm Ms Uncool too. I could not give a flying fuck about insecure etc accusations. If a man needs one on one date & drinks time with his female friend that's perfectly ok, its his friend so it's his right - & I reserve the right not to be with him, choose someone on same page as me. No hangers on.

I'm so sorry but alarm bells are ringing. This doesn't sound right and feels like something is off.

It is too much for you to deal with right now but I would suggest therapy- atleast if anything does happen you will know you did everything you could- not that you are ever to blame for his actions.

He's being an absolute shit, and blaming your hormones for his lies and selfish behaviour would be ringing huge alarm bells for me. How can any father-to-be sit there planning endless jollies abroad with an inappropriately close female friend while his heavily pregnant wife is there?

I agree with PPs, you need to get this out in the open and dealt with before the baby arrives-once the baby is here, you'll be exhausted and feel even more tired and vulnerable than you do now. Mistresses suggestion to quietly check up on your finances is in order - you know he's lying to you, he could be secretly transferring or hiding money too.

If you are close with his wider family and your own, I would be very sorely tempted to bring all this out into the open with them- perhaps let both families know that you might be looking for support with the new baby for X number of weekends over the coming year, as your H will be spending those weekends in hotels and running marathons with his close friend Julie.

I'd also be thinking very seriously about whether you trust this man enough to be your birth partner- the last thing you want while giving birth is a man that you know you can't trust, who will spend your labour texting his friend and popping in and out to get a better signal to communicate with her and blaming any comments from you on your hormones.

Trust your instinct

What was the reason for the dinner invitation in the first place?
Do you cool for all his friends and they come one at a time for meals?
Seems odd in itself that at your stage of pregnancy your husband is inviting a brand new friend over for dinner with you cooking.
Maybe I'm just anti social .

I bet he left his IPad out on purpose so you see how innocent all their conversations are (my ass!) They are being very savvy about this. They don't want to leave traces on social media and on their phone.
I think it's all a psychological trick to put your mind at ease about her so they can have an affair right in front of your nose without you suspecting anything.
And to bring her over to have dinner with you being pregnant? What is this woman doing in your house eating your food? And she kept playing with her phone throughout the whole dinner? Fuck!
It is not your hormones OP, it their cheeky behaviour. I would have none of this! They can be chummy in the workplace, surrounded by colleagues but to bring her home to eat with you is a step too far.
And he blames your hormones? Shit!

he's thinks he's pulling the wool over your eyes by keeping everything out in the OPEN... sorry but's he FAILED. I agree with others that said the behaviour at the dinner table was quiet ... why does this Girl want to hang around with a guy living with someone and expecting a baby any day?! why does she want to go on weekend trips with him.. ? why does she want to spend hours texting him but can barely talk to him or you at the dinner table... something Stinks to high heaven....

Wow he wants it ALL doesn't he?!
Wants you at home having his baby and using another female to take your place on nights out, late night chats, texting, planning marathons abroad?!
WTH is this guy thinking?
It's even worse that he will pretend that there is nothing going on and bring the stupid bint home so you can cook dinner while she plays with her phone at the table.
There is absolutely nothing right about this situation at all and I feel sorry that you are being put through this at the moment.

The fact that they spend hours texting but suddenly clam up when you're in the room with them just screams that something is very off about their "friendship".

So now you know about the messages is he happily spending hours texting her in front of you?

This is awful. He looks, sounds, talks, like a man who is just biding his time until he can exit relatively 'gracefully' without the stigma of being unfaithful to his pregnant wife :-(

Has he started sleeping with you again, or is he still camped out on the couch texting all night?

Apart from him being a massive two timing twat what a brazen bitch she is too. To come to your home shoving their sordid carryings on right under your nose. The absolute hard faced cheek.

Why would he ever need alone time with another woman, just the two of them? I can't think of any honest reason that my DH or I would ever need to go spend alone time with another member of the opposite sex. I wouldn't go out just me and another man, and my DH would never and has never so much as implied wanting to. I want my DH to meet and spend time with my male friends, as I know they'll get on and I would like us all to be friends, and vice versa.

Sorry but I think this is really possessive. Having alone time, and your own friends and hobbies is really important. I have loads of male friends from school or uni that I meet up with alone for drinks or dinner - if my BF didn't let me go, or demand he accompany me so "we all be friends", I would take that to mean he didn't trust me and dump me in a heartbeat.

Of course married men and women can be friends and enjoy each others company at dinners. What is wrong is the lying - if he has no feelings for her, he wouldn't need to lie. My male friends are like my cousins and I wouldn't feel the need to lie about meeting them.

*dump HIM in a heartbeat

This stinks. He's having an emotional affair, and at the very least setting the scene for it to become physical

Don't believe his gaslighting and the 'cool girl' responses on here. Being friends with someone of the opposite sex is nothing to do with this little scenario

Bit different an old friend from school vs a new shiny sparkly workmate who is bith receptive to late night messages and not tired and pregnant, innit?

I'm a bit perturbed by all the responses saying you wouldn't let your husbands hang out with anoher woman one-on-one - why? "Why do they want to, they have me!". Why shouldn't your husbands have friends? Why does said friends genitalia matter?

I went on holiday alone recently and spent different days hanging out with different people from the hostel, guys and girls. I would be fuming if my BF told me I couldn't do X activity or dinner because it was with a guy. How bizarre.

The lying is the bad bit. Unless you don't let him do stuff like that and he thought you'd flip out, so he lied. Still not OK though.

oh FFS