Am I overreacting aboit DH's new female friend?

[EmbarrassedAndPregnant]

Just to begin with, I'm 36 weeks pregnant and quite emotional. I'm scared I've overeacted hugely to this.

DH has a new female friend from work. They've been talking late at night, text a lot, went out for dinner once alone together. I don't have an issue with this. What I have an issue with is him lying to me about it!

I've thought something was up for a while, and today had a look at his IPad after he went to work. I'm not proud of that, but I just knew something was up. Turns out whenever he said he 'fell asleep downstairs watching a film' or 'was going out to dinner with a group of people from work' it was complete bullshit. He was either talking to or out with her. It's all perfectly innocent from what I've read, so why is there any need to lie to me in the first place?

So I have texted him about it I'm just angry. I just feel like clearly something is going on if he can't just be honest about his relationship with a female friend. And now I feel particularly stupid because I'll have to wait till he gets home to discuss it properly.

Honestly, have I overeacted?

All this "I go to cinema etc with my male friend" - I don't believe it. I don't know anyone who does this unless it's an open relationship (& I only know of 2 of those). Online is fantasy talk half the time. I have lunch with male work colleagues, I have male acquaintances but I'm not in need of their sole company or attention. If OH doesn't want to see a film I have girlfriends for that. Girlfriends to have a good laugh and night out with. What would I have in common with another man that I'd need hours in his company? Whats your conversation? There's a joke that goes around All you "he's just a friend" ladies, put your friend on a 3 way convo with your man, offer him some - see if he says yes or no. That joke was devised by a man. Not a woman. There's a similar one now re men with women friends. Opposite sex friends are fine - but not if you want to be a man's best friend and confidante, and flirtbait. He has a wife for all that. The other thing is women who get off on being the spectre in someone else's relationship - privy to all the man's secrets woes ups & downs, smug because she has his ear more than his wife does. Going here and there with him as a "friend" yet she doesn't know his wife, children and extended family. Just his male friends (possibly).

All these types are out there but it seems there's a form of skewered female solidarity that means, you have to pretend you are very very naive and know nothing of this type of woman. Cheating men are bastards - they always get a woman to cheat with though. I also don't buy the get out clause "it's worse for him, he's married..!" Yeah he's married - so then it's worse to go with him, isn't it? If he doesn't have sense self control and dignity, that doesn't mean you have to follow him and become another willing notch on the bedpost of some ain't-shit man who wants the pleasure of having sex with both you and his wife.

best wishes OP

OP, I really hope this was a blip in your DH's otherwise decent persona and he's had a huge wake up call. It sounds like it might be. Good luck, OP.

The uncool ladies are being generally lovely about it. Saying it's not something they could tolerate in their relationship.

The cool ladies are the ones getting their knickers in a twist accusing marriages with no trust etc why would you do that? Why wouldn't you trust him? Etc

How about we just accept each others decisions, rather than accusing people of not trusting/may as well lock your DH up so he can't look at women

I was just asking why as I personally don't understand the mindset of "DH isn't allowed to go for dinner with women in case he catches feelings". Of course it smacks of no trust. Ultimately it means you don't think your partner loves you very much - that if he goes for dinner, it must be romantic and dodgy and he must be flirting,straying and cheating. If you think that about him, why are you with him? And if he really is like that as a person, banning him from dinners with women isn't going to stop the problem. Yes everyone has different boundaries, I am questioning this one in particular.

What do you mean by getting your knickers in a twist....having a strong opinion on something? People with various opinions have "got their knickers in a twist" - like the poster saying "why does he need to have female friends! What could he be talking about with them that he can't talk about with me!!". Mutual friends from uni? Donald Trump? Their partner? literally anything else platonic?

The uncool ladies

The cool ladies

ffs. Let's have a bit more respect for each other. Labels like this are juvenile and negatively reductive.

"DH isn't allowed to go for dinner with women in case he catches feelings". Of course it smacks of no trust.

yolo, a lot of us have come to this realization through personal experience. For someone to then attack our feelings about it is insensitive. I, for one, would have avoided a lot of heartache if I had the same views then as I do now. There is a lot of truth in the observation that many men forn inappropriate relationships from what statred out as completely innocent friendships. More so than women, I would wager, as women are generally better at communicating when there is a problem, rather than transferring their attention elsewhere because they're bored/lonely/ depressed/working away /have the opportunity /whatever. It doesn't mean you have no trust, it just means you realise that trust isnt earned unless it is backed up by appropriate actions, which sometimes need monitoring.
(Of course, this is a generalisation, based on empirical evidence,)

Actually the uncool malarky started as it was self deprecating.

Not as an insult to others.

Good luck OP, I'm glad he seems to have taken on board what you've said. Enjoy your new born snuggles very soon x

Good luck OP I agree with your approach. You seen an issue and have highlighted it with him. He might not have been aware fully of his behaviour and it’s dangerous potential. Some people get caught up. Or as PP have said he’s been hiding it etc etc. You can assume the worst and believe he is the living man you know and trust and he’s been a bit naive and has realised it looks bad.

As for the cool girls/uncool girls I like to think I’m a bit of both but it depends on the situation. No point about being rigid about these things.

This all did not read as innocent to me either. His current better behaviour sounds more like damage limitation and over-compensating after having been caught out. I’d definitely stay well on top of the situation. No running together, no joint training in coming months, full focus on you and the baby. He won’t have time for extra-curricular activities! I immediately thought about her coming to dinner as hiding their (emotional) affair in plain sight. Talk is cheap, her behaviour whilst at your house showed she did not want to be around you. She is only interested in him. Sod trying to be cool when someone is overstepping boundaries and taking away time and focus on what is a particular special and vulnerable time. You are far more gracious than I would have been. I’d have nabbed a moment alone with her and made it clear that any more non-work contact and I’d be burying her in Epping Forrest. I have never had a reason to feel jealous with DH; he would not dream to have this level of contact and intimacy with a new female friend. It’s inappropriate!

Good luck op. You have handled this really well under the circumstances. There is no way i’d’ve kept my cool with this woman or Dp. I wonder what was going on in her head while she was talking to you in your pregnant state about going on holiday WITH YOUR PARTNER. Numpty.

And yes, this is a new name in honour of this thread.

I hope that your dh continues to show that his dedication is to you and your tiny baby. If he was truly not having an emotional/ physical affair then he is very naive/ unaware of how bad a situation he has got himself into. As his colleagues behaviour suggest discomfort/ jealousy/ or guilt over her relationship with your dh.

If your dh was embarking upon an emotional/ physical affair with his colleague, I hope you have intervened before things progressed too far! Perhaps your intervention will have pulled at both of their consciences! Your dh stands to lose a heck of a lot it he betrays you with his colleague.

I cannot believe anyone would think it fine to have another woman rock up at their house when they are nearly dropping the baby and chat about planning holidays next year with their husband! Hilariously over the boundaries of acceptable behaviour.

I have male friends, my husband has female ones. We sometimes go out to dinner/lunch/catch up for coffee.

What I would not tolerate about this situation is a) the lying b) the intensity and secrecy- late at night, lots of texts and c) putting me last instead of first. Planning 'their' holidays ffs, which you might be allowed on with the baby. Soooo generous!

It is perfectly possible to have opposite sex friends, and see them alone, and still put your partner and their feelings first at all times, especially when they are pregnant.

I would continue to be cross with him- allowing you to go on their coupley holidays with the baby. Who does this?!

So sorry you are having to go through this OP - especially when you are 36 weeks pregnant - it must be horrendous

I too can't believe this situation in any shape or form. He brought her to the house to try soften you up after you uncovered something. Dig deeper OP!

DH and I wouldn't dream of going for dinner or to the cinema with am opposite sex friend, particularly a new one.
This has nothing to do with mistrust. It's just our boundaries.
I don't care what anyone else does, their choice, but give over with going on about how stifling and untrusting it all is. People are all different.

I agree max, if my dh took another woman out for dinner or to the cinema the marriage would be over. Nothing to do with trust, it's a bloody weird thing to do. You go out to dinner with your wife/girlfriend not some little sleaze from work.

I think there is a huge difference between saying ‘my dh/dw isnt allowed...’ and ‘just doesn’t...’ My dh is ‘allowed’ to do whatever he wants, given I’m available to take care of the childcare and it’s balanced (he doesn’t get loads of nights out while I’m chained to the kitchen). But I truly cannot see either of us going for nights out regularly or maybe even ever with a friend of the opposite sex. That’s not because we aren’t ‘allowed’ but because nights out are so rare for us as a couple (because it’s hard to find someone who can babysit) that it seems a bit wrong to go out and do things with someone else that we’d rather do with each other but can’t. Certainly when my dh sees his guy friends he doesn’t go out for drinks and a meal. They go camping or work on his bike or go do something outdoors. But they don’t go on a date and I wouldn’t want to do that stuff anyway. I don’t think it’s about being cool or not cool, though I get what that narrative is about too. It’s more about we don’t replace each other with someone else, male or female, because it’s such a luxury to get to have dinner out ourselves that it would be weird to waste the money and the time doing that with someone else when we miss so much doing it with each other. In our 20s before we had kids, no it wouldn’t have been odd (though the lying about it would) and we did things like that regularly back then. But now that we’re married and settled with kids and busy professional lives, time and energy is so precious that we wouldn’t spend it on someone else. We’d do something together. I know the OP doesn’t have kids yet, but I think the problem is that it could create a dynamic where energy and time and emotional investment gets directed outside the marriage (especially when baby arrives and all those are in short supply) and that’s not good.

I work in a male dominated industy, I've been friends with a male colleague for 20 years. I worked with his missies for prob about 2 years out of the 20.

He's gotten me contracts, I've gotten him contracts. When we're working together locally we have lunch, when working away have evening meal.

I usually get a x says hello when we're texting I say I need to catch up with x which isn't really going to happen as we don't have much in common these days apart from being mates with her hubby. We are all fine with this.

The lying is the big thing issue here. No way should he be telling lies when he's been out with her.

Th

Nothing to do with trust, it's a bloody weird thing to do. You go out to dinner with your wife/girlfriend not some little sleaze from work.

Just because you're not comfortable with it doesn't make it weird. Dinner is just a meal.

OK - this has got into a whole 'I have male friends' therefore I am cool vs 'I have female friends' therefore I am uncool thing.

THAT'S NOT THE FUCKING POINT! I really wish people would read the thread before going on about their quite frankly boring lives (heh guess what I have male friends too and we sometimes meet up - true story)

The issue is that OP is pregnant with a much longed for child. She should be wrapped up in a cocoon of expectation, care and excitement. Instead of that - her DH has absented himself from the relationship to text another woman (new friend btw) and take to her dinner and lies about it to OP who understandably feels neglected and hurt.

The next year will be dedicated to bringing up their first child. I'll give them some slack as new parents that they don't really understand what that means. However, instead of preparing for how he can support OP, he's all excited about a fucking marathon with some random fucking woman???

This is nothing to do with 'cool' or 'not cool'. This is about being a loving, supportive partner. I think you can tell a lot about a man by how he treats his pregnant wife. When we are pregnant we are vulnerable, emotional and in need of extra care. Decent men make their pregnant wives a priority.

No dinner isn't just a meal. Fish and chips is just a meal. Dinner is usually in an intimate setting with low lights and wine. It has romantic connotations. There's a difference. I can't understand why anyone would be happy with their partner doing this.

not some little sleaze from work

Can you define what a 'little sleaze' is, just so we're clear? What has someone done to earn that particular name?