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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I overreacting aboit DH's new female friend?

366 replies

EmbarrassedAndPregnant · 30/10/2017 08:48

Just to begin with, I'm 36 weeks pregnant and quite emotional. I'm scared I've overeacted hugely to this.

DH has a new female friend from work. They've been talking late at night, text a lot, went out for dinner once alone together. I don't have an issue with this. What I have an issue with is him lying to me about it!

I've thought something was up for a while, and today had a look at his IPad after he went to work. I'm not proud of that, but I just knew something was up. Turns out whenever he said he 'fell asleep downstairs watching a film' or 'was going out to dinner with a group of people from work' it was complete bullshit. He was either talking to or out with her. It's all perfectly innocent from what I've read, so why is there any need to lie to me in the first place?

So I have texted him about it Sad I'm just angry. I just feel like clearly something is going on if he can't just be honest about his relationship with a female friend. And now I feel particularly stupid because I'll have to wait till he gets home to discuss it properly.

Honestly, have I overeacted?

OP posts:
TheStoic · 02/11/2017 03:19

Oh for gods sake. Literally NOBODY cares if you have male friends you see one-on-one. Nobody.

stormnigel · 02/11/2017 06:55

Well said Fredericka

Thrillofit · 02/11/2017 07:27

I think op just needs to spend some time adjusting. An awful lot has happened in three days. I spent the first week after exh left completely immobile through shock.

Thrillofit · 02/11/2017 07:28

Sorry wrong thread!!

YoloSwaggins · 02/11/2017 07:47

"Dinner is usually in an intimate setting with low lights and wine. It has romantic connotations"

Well we clearly go for dinner in very different places. Also, even if it's a quiet atmospheric restaurant, the bloody lighting doesn't turn someone's feelings from platonic and matey to romantic. I wouldn't give a shit who my partner went for dinner with because some candlelight and lift music isn't going to change his feelings about me...

Also, "little sleaze" is just disrespectful to women

YoloSwaggins · 02/11/2017 07:50

@Sanddune, say your partner had some longtime female friend from school/uni and the only time they could meet was after work as she lives too far. Where do you suggest they go if not dinner?

sanddune11 · 02/11/2017 08:02

yolo "sleaze is a perfect description for the type of woman the op described, you think she deserves respect???

And people have said on here about how relationships have developed with their dhs and their so called "friends" when they've been "cool" and not minded them having dinner dates. Sod that...it wouldn't happen in my marriage, that's probably why we're still together after 40 years.

sanddune11 · 02/11/2017 08:14

Can you define what a 'little sleaze' is, just so we're clear? What has someone done to earn that particular name?

The type of woman who is quite happy to let a relationship develop with a man who is married, and also be brazen enough to turn up at his house. What, you think women like that deserve some kind of respect??? The pair of them deserve far worse, but if it makes you happy, he's a sleaze too. It's a common word where we live to describe someone who acts like the ops dh and the woman who he wants to holiday with. What would you call them?

sanddune11 · 02/11/2017 08:43

Why am i describing what sleaze means, its in the damn dictionary for heavens sake.

NameChangeFamousFolk · 02/11/2017 09:33

its in the damn dictionary for heavens sake

Why are you being so rude? I asked politely for your interpretation of it in the context of your post.

I won't engage with you further. You obviously cannot do so without being unpleasant and it's much to early in the day for that.

YoloSwaggins · 02/11/2017 09:37

And people have said on here about how relationships have developed with their dhs and their so called "friends" when they've been "cool" and not minded them having dinner dates.

I know this happens, but in that case the man was a shitbag and would have done something anyway. If a man is the sort of person to do this, he will find a time and opportunity regardless of the relationship's ground rules.

For me dinner can be the only time I have to catch up with old mates and it's never inappropriate or remotely datey (espec if Nandos or curry) - if I felt it was then I wouldn't do it, and my partner is the same.

Personally i would rather let him do what he wants and if he breaks the trust, then it wasn't meant to be and I can find someone better - rather than our relationship only being "OK" because of very strict ground rules like not being allowed to meet friends 1-1 (which if they were set upon me, I would find stifling and run).

But that's fair enough, everybody is different.

YoloSwaggins · 02/11/2017 09:41

Also, I don't think it's fair to treat your partner based on what's happened in other people's relationship.

Some men cheat and sleep with prostitutes on work trips, does that mean I shouldn't let my partner go on work trips? No because he has literally nothing to do with those men, and if I thought he did, I'd be single.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 02/11/2017 10:15

The fact that they weren’t ‘natural’ speaks volumes to me
*
Interesting she spent her time playing with her phone, perhaps she’s uncomfortable at doing something that’s “off”.*

Absolutely that. It’s worrying.

I hope he has learnt his lesson, OP. This is the last thing you need. Don’t be too quick to brush it all under the carpet; though - I know you want everything back to normal and to believe that he only has eyes for you, but his behaviour hasn’t backed that up recently. Be cautious that the rug isn’t pulled out from under you whilst you’re vulnerable.

Flowers best of luck.

sanddune11 · 02/11/2017 10:30

Namechange I wasn't being rude. I was responding to what i thought was an odd reaction to my use of the word "sleaze". It was obvious that for some reason you'd taken umbrage with it, you asked for my definition of it even though you clearly knew the meaning of the word, hence "what does someone have to do to earn that particular name"

Why did you ask me to define it, when it's obvious you knew. That was more than rude, it was odd. How should we describe home wreckers. The mans a sleaze too if that makes you feel better but in the context of my post it wasn't appropriate in that sentence. Good grief, talk about nit picking.

sanddune11 · 02/11/2017 10:31

Btw instead of nitpicking over people's posts over things you take offence at, try showing support to the OP rather than railroading the thread.

downthestrada · 02/11/2017 10:45

Perhaps her actually being in OP's presence made both her and him realise the reality and that's why they were uncomfortable and unchatty. It might all die down now.

For what it's worth, my husband meets (and has coffee/dinner) with previous female work colleagues to catch up on work related stuff, find out what others are doing, chat about industry stuff - but that's a bit different from this though.

Auburn2001 · 02/11/2017 13:08

Good luck OP.

The 'cool girl' pressure is nothing new IMO - but at least now we can ask Mumsnet for advice.

KalaLaka · 02/11/2017 13:34

Nice post fred. Totally agree.

Graphista · 02/11/2017 14:28

Not read last few posts fully.

Op glad you and he seem to have things back on track but don't get complacent.

Re the cool/uncool thing (which is deeply uncool btw)

I WAS a 'cool' wife - I was a fucking mug! He was cheating all over the place I later discovered.

I have a brother and a good number of male friends, in various relationship setups. I have not met a man yet that wouldn't shag other women if they could! What stops them ISN'T not wanting to - it's the consequences. And in a few cases they can and do (open or poly relationships).

I'd wager the 'cool' gang are younger and with less life experience.

I'm 45 the only men I know who haven't cheated are either in open/poly relationships or shit scared of the consequences.

I don't hate men, but this is what life has shown me, personally I believe it's a biological/evolutionary thing.

And plenty of women cheat too - given the opportunity.

I've worked/lived among communities where it's very much the norm but also seen it plenty in others too.

Graphista · 02/11/2017 14:29

Also stats show pregnancy and immediately after birth prime time for cheating.

MrsBonato · 02/11/2017 14:35

Absolutely agree graphista

innagazing · 02/11/2017 15:00

*I think Shnitzel sums it up exactly when she said- "Surely in a healthy relationship you agree where the boundaries are (and that they may be subject to change over time)? And if yours are way different to his, you’re not compatible.

OP I would point out to your H that this woman was rude and dismissive of you in your own home and ask whether he finds that acceptable. I would note that although they’ve so much to say he stays up messaging her at night, they were strangely tongue-tied in your presence. And I would ask outright if he thinks she is a friend to your marriage. And if his answers don’t completely reassure you I’d tell him you need space to assess whether you want to continue in a relationship with someone who is letting you down at a watershed moment in life and whether you need, for example, an alternative birth companion. You are not being paranoid or hormonal and he needs to realise what he’s putting on the line."*

Buck3t · 02/11/2017 15:34

Everytime I read MN it scares me into thinking I'm living my life completely wrong. But I realise there are no real right or wrong answers, just differences of opinion.

For me the only thing that troubles me is the lies.

My 42 years tells me I can be friends with whomever I wish and so can DH. That said, I would also trust my gut, if a new (or old) friendship was taking something away from 'us'.

OP good luck, this is an exciting time.

Topseyt · 02/11/2017 17:54

I have been reading this thread, and was so angry for you, OP. I think the two of them were taking the piss, and you handled it way more calmly and better than I would have. I take my hat off to you for that.

Let's just hope that your DH really has heeded what you have said.

FWIW, I am with Graphista, Sanddune and others. DH and I are in our fifties. Both more than happy being Mr. and Mrs. Uncool.

Mosquitoburrito · 02/11/2017 18:05

This is also really insensitive behaviour considering you’re 36 weeks pregnant ( ditto here) and probably feeling sensitive, uncomfortable and unattractive ( me). He should be avoiding making you feel insecure about things before the birth of your baby. I wouldn’t be happy with it at all Op sorry. You may want to let him
Know it’s not ok with you whilst delaying any shitstorm before arrival of baby. 💐