Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 18 19

Original poster

So this is it then...

452 replies

pointythings · 28/10/2017 20:45

So my DH is an alcoholic. I gave him an ultimatum in July - the drink or his family. He chose to go into rehab. Two weeks ago he finished treatment.

Tonight I came home after a night away with DDs to ComicCon and he was slurring, showing all the signs. So I snooped. Yep, empty bottle of spirits hidden in his backpack.

I confronted him and the first thing he said was 'can we not do this in front of the girls. Oh how the alcoholics like their secrecy. No, H, the girls need to know - they are 14 and 16 and they have been part of all the conversations.

So now my marriage is over. Shit. I am not backing down. This is it, done, finished. No more chances, he's had plenty. I still feel like shit.

OP posts:

HashtagTired · 28/10/2017 20:53

I don’t have any words to make this easier for you. Hugs.

Original poster

pointythings · 28/10/2017 21:06

Thanks. I'm downstairs with the girls watching trash on telly. Not sure how any of us are going to sleep tonight.

OP posts:

HouseholdWords · 28/10/2017 21:14

You're doing the right thing - for you as well as your DDs. It may not feel like it, but brava

Dozer · 28/10/2017 21:16

Am very sorry this has happened and hope he will be reasonable about separating.

Some people do relapse and then get sober again, but it’s probably make sense for him to try to do that alone.

peanut2017 · 28/10/2017 21:22

You are doing the right thing. Grew up with an alcoholic parent and it wasn’t a nice experience especially as a child. It will tough I’m sure but in the long run you will all feel better. Will be nice to not have to walk on egg shells.

Original poster

pointythings · 28/10/2017 21:25

Some people do relapse and then get sober again, but it’s probably make sense for him to try to do that alone.

I know. But we've been going through this for so long - 6.5 years. He's had so many chances. I should have kicked him to the kerb 2 years ago when I realised he was drinking secretly in addition to what he was doing openly. This rehab was his last chance. I'm not prepared to give him another, especially, since he reverted straight back to sneaking and lying - drinking all that and then hiding the bottle in his backpack. Did he think I wouldn't notice he was drunk when we came back? We all noticed at once. Does addiction make you stupid? Does he want out of this marriage and is this deliberate self-sabotage?

Whatever he wants, he isn't getting another chance. This is us, done. After almost 20 years, fuck it.

OP posts:

carnation2531 · 28/10/2017 21:31

It's shit but I'm happy you have the strength to leave for the good of you and your daughters.

tribpot · 28/10/2017 21:32

You're doing the right thing - both for yourself and your girls, but also for him. He will clearly never hit his rock bottom until he faces real consequences to his drinking and that is what you are now giving him.

There is no need to rush to make the split permanent. He can get back into treatment, start to work on his triggers and see why he took the first opportunity that presented itself (presumably he had to go out and buy that bottle of spirits, it wasn't in the house somewhere) and decide if he is serious about working on his sobriety. But keep remembering the 3 Cs:

you did not cause this
you cannot control it
you cannot cure it.

It's up to him now. Your job is to keep your girls safe and secure.

Original poster

pointythings · 28/10/2017 21:41

He did have to go out and buy that bottle, tribpot. We do have alcohol in the house, I drink - little, but I do. He has to deal with that, real life is full of temptations. He's never touched the stuff I drink, oddly. His rehab course included living with other people drinking in his presence, he knows he has to deal.

Thing is, he won't leave. I can't afford to rent long term without us selling the house. So I don't see how this isn't going to be permanent. He won't leave, he's previously made that abundantly clear.

He's two weeks out of treatment. What's the point of him going back into treatment even if his work would let him? And I can't trust him again. It's the lying I can't forgive, the trust is gone. The girls don't trust him any more either.

OP posts:

Original poster

pointythings · 28/10/2017 21:48

I have been going to a support group organised by his rehab - it is open ended. DD2 has been going with me, DD1 is now also going to start going. They will understand, these are the people who worked with him but they are very much there for us. They work like Al-Anon so it's all about support for us, not him. I am angrier than I have ever been in my life.

OP posts:

tribpot · 28/10/2017 21:52

Well, not that it made any difference to the outcome, but if he expected that two weeks post rehab he'd be able to deal with people drinking in his presence then he's been very poorly advised. Yes, he does have to deal (up to a point - I am very rarely in the presence of people drinking alcohol, by my own choice) but he also has to take his recovery in small steps. If the presence of booze in the house was an issue, he could have said so (but to be clear, I'm not suggesting that was a factor in his relapse, not least because he didn't drink it).

I suspect he thought he'd get away with being drunk without you noticing because he thought he had many times in the past. The deception is the main thing, you're quite right. He isn't serious about getting sober and he doesn't feel any remorse for what he's done to his family, otherwise he wouldn't refuse to move out.

Make sure you don't collude in his need for secrecy any more - tell anyone you want that he's drinking again and your marriage is over as a result.

Original poster

pointythings · 28/10/2017 21:57

Oh, I will be telling people. Be sure about that.
And I did ask whether he wanted me to stop drinking completely and clear the house of booze, and he said no. He took it at face value.

His rehab is very much about personal choice and personal responsibility - and ultimately it was his choice to drink again, his responsibility to take the consequences. He had 6 weeks of 6 days a week intensive outpatient treatment and the place he went to has very good success rates, far better than the average.

So I think you are right and he was never serious about giving up drinking. Which hardens my determination all the more.

OP posts:

Lobsterquadrille2 · 28/10/2017 22:20

Hi OP, addicts are indeed stupid in that they genuinely believe that they an drink a huge amount and nobody will notice. I have been there .... you're doing the right thing. Out of interest, did the rehab involve the 12 step programme? I appreciate that AA doesn't work for everyone but as a signed up AA member of over nine years, I've seen a lot of success within the rooms. It sounds as if your husband was merely paying lip service to rehab - as you say, he had no real intention of giving up. Unfortunately, absolutely nobody can do anything to make him stop apart from him.

Original poster

pointythings · 28/10/2017 22:26

Lobster yes, the programme was based on the 12 step programme. H has been attending AA after work as well. But that was probably lip service too. I'm incredibly angry with him for throwing away a family, a 20 year marriage, 2 amazing daughters who now don't want to speak to him and feel utterly betrayed.

I'm going to bed now but will be back on here tomorrow - I have a lot to do in terms of starting divorce proceedings, having some hard conversations, putting the house up for sale asap so we can just split - I don't want to live in the same house with him a moment longer than I have to. Ideally I'd like him to just leave, but he won't do that.

Thank you for being there.

OP posts:

Farontothemaddingcrowd · 28/10/2017 22:30

You are doing the right thing. I reached a similar crunch point with my exh 5 years ago and I haven't looked back.
The next steps will be manageable, just take it one at a time and know that you are going in the right direction. You gave him a chance and he didn't take it.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 28/10/2017 22:30

Good night, OP - hope that you cN get some sleep.

In that case he really didn't "get" step 1, I'm afraid.

Desmondo2016 · 28/10/2017 23:09

I can't add anything factually but wow. Well done and massive unmumsnetty hugs to your strength and your girls.

springydaffs · 29/10/2017 01:59

Unfortunately, he already has a lover and it comes absolute first.

It's not so much that he didn't choose you but that he refuses to give up his lover.

It's a fucking horrible disease. You're doing the right thing to leave him, absolutely the right thing - there is precisely nothing you can do about someone who is an alcoholic. Alcoholism wrecks families and minds and emotions and bank balances... on and on. You're right to get out and to shield your poor girls from yet more of the same

springydaffs · 29/10/2017 01:02

He may or may not be extremely apologetic tomorrow, full of remorse, promising this and that...

You need to protect your girls from a childhood with an alcoholic father. He's not clean and he needs to be out of your lives. He may or may not get clean in the future but for now he isn't and enough is enough. You have to protect your girls.

Original poster

pointythings · 29/10/2017 08:29

Just got up. He's not speaking to me at all, which is his default setting. Yes, he is a sulker too. I have taken my wedding ring off and it is staying off.

The girls aren't up yet. At some point today he and I are going to have to talk, but right now he's probably either hungover or still drunk - it can wait.

He isn't going to leave the house though, that's the thing. He has this idea that because the mortgage was paid off by an inheritance from his mum, it's more his than mine. Through the years we were together, he mostly paid the mortgage while I paid utilities, childcare, food etc.

And yes, we are married and both our names are on the deeds so when it comes to it, who paid what isn't going to matter a damn after 20 years together, but in the meanwhile he is not going to do the decent thing and fuck off.

OP posts:

MrSnrubYesThatsIt · 29/10/2017 08:33

Well like all alcoholics he'll be out for the count and sleep tonight while everyone else who's affected won't get a wink. Alcoholism is a disease which makes them selfish twatty cunty pricks.
walk away from him now before he pulls you all down with him.

Thebluedog · 29/10/2017 08:39

Good luck OP

Lobsterquadrille2 · 29/10/2017 08:41

Er, some of us selfish twatty whatever other insults alcoholics actually care more about those we love and work incredibly hard on our recovery. I speak from nine years of sobriety and the friendship of scores of others in the Fellowship.

Don't tar us all with the same brush.

I really wish you well, OP, but remarks like these are why I stay away from these threads in general.

Original poster

pointythings · 29/10/2017 08:42

MrSnrub oh believe me, we are over. I talked about it with the girls last night after he had retreated to bed and they are on board. Right now they don't want to see him and don't want to talk to him.

He doesn't want to talk. He wants to stick his head in the sand and wait for it to go away. This time it isn't going to.

OP posts:

Original poster

pointythings · 29/10/2017 08:50

Lobster I know you have fought through it and come out the other end. I utterly respect you and your words of wisdom are invaluable. As someone living with an alcoholic I am very aware of the difference between him and the illness, although obviously they are intertwined. What makes this so sad is that it really felt like we were getting the real him back. He was eating again, his sleep was better, he was being a dad to the girls again. The girls and I knew we would not have miracles overnight, but things were so much better.

And now we're back to square one. I want him to recover, I want him to become fully clean and sober - but he can't do it as part of this family, not anymore. I have to think of myself and the DDs now. We have to come first.

And while I am sad and angry and disgusted with him, that doesn't mean the other feelings I still have to him have gone away - I just won't let them stand in the way of doing what is necessary.

Alcoholism isn't simple. Throwing insults doesn't help, however much we might need to vent.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 18 19

Swipe left for the next trending thread