Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So this is it then...

452 replies

pointythings · 28/10/2017 20:45

So my DH is an alcoholic. I gave him an ultimatum in July - the drink or his family. He chose to go into rehab. Two weeks ago he finished treatment.

Tonight I came home after a night away with DDs to ComicCon and he was slurring, showing all the signs. So I snooped. Yep, empty bottle of spirits hidden in his backpack.

I confronted him and the first thing he said was 'can we not do this in front of the girls. Oh how the alcoholics like their secrecy. No, H, the girls need to know - they are 14 and 16 and they have been part of all the conversations.

So now my marriage is over. Shit. I am not backing down. This is it, done, finished. No more chances, he's had plenty. I still feel like shit.

OP posts:
doodle01 · 31/10/2017 15:11

Drunks relapse don't they ?

Otherwise if the issue he is an alcoholic you knew this before he fell off but if last straw - last straw I guess.

JontyDoggle37 · 31/10/2017 15:28

pointythings I have no experience of your situation but just read one of your last posts, about being in bits, and wanted to remind you that's it's ok to not be ok. Granted, you want to remain strong for your girls, but falling apart every so often is needed otherwise you'll explode. I hope you have some good friends in rl you can offload to as well. Wishing you the very best.

rizlett · 31/10/2017 15:36

Leaving the alcoholic in my life was the hardest but the best thing I ever did for myself and my dc.

In fact it was the only thing I could do - as - like many others - I had tried everything else. None of it had worked and I had to give him up to keep my sanity.

Luckily I had the support of Al-anon and now many years later I know I made the right choice.

Op - you know you are making the right choices for you and your dc at the moment - even if they are hard - but it's been so hard already, right? Just keep going - you'll get there bit by bit. Time to focus on you now.

lollipop7 · 31/10/2017 15:38

I get how you feel.
You’ve made your mind up and whilst outwardly you’re appearing to cope it’s not that straightforward. I’m not surprised you’re being sick it’s bloody awful this whole thing. And you’ve had years of it.

I’ve been lucky enough to get referred for talking therapy services through my GP following the abuse I had from my ex. I’ve only had one session so far but I love it because - and this might sound selfish but so fucking what - it’s just about and for me.

Not about trying to understand him, not about the kids, my family, the future, the steaming shit pile of mess these selfish people make then fuck off and leave us with. None of that. It’s just for me. I could talk about how nice it was to go and buy a pair of shoes or something equally asinine and there’s no questioning its currency.

I think you need some more direct in person support and help in terms of accessing this sort of thing. It might be a wake up call for him and mote importantly it’s a great way to start giving yourself some aide memories for when it’s gets too much.

I can count on one hand the number of days I’ve not cried since I left him. I’m not crying for him I’m crying because of kids, myself the hand we’ve been dealt. Every day someone on hear tells me how strong I am. I don’t always agree but I’m so immersed in it I can’t see it. You might not think what you are doing especially displays strength but I can assure you it does. Doesn’t mean you’re not overwhelmed and in pieces.

Have you got someone who knows about all this that could come and let you offload a bit in real life.
This is a very isolating situation you’re in and have been in.

Not much but I can offer you a strong virtual hand to hold 💐

lollipop7 · 31/10/2017 15:39

Please ignore typos and unintentional grammatical faux pas 🙈

Original poster
pointythings · 31/10/2017 15:54

lollipop I have been telling my friends and colleagues. They all know and they have all been supportive - even though he is their friend as well. It's not a matter of taking sides.

Tonight DDs and I are going to go to our support group (along Al-Anon lines) and we will keep going as long as we need to. We will all make sure we have RL support.

And thank you. All of you.

OP posts:
lollipop7 · 31/10/2017 16:01

You’re lucky you’ve got people close to you all that can be supportive and not partisan. So many of those I thought I had fell away to his side or just shrank back when the going got though. Even with the children who are so young. I didn’t think it was about sides but about trying to encourage him also to see the damage that’s been done.

Sorry, I don’t have much more advice just can offer some more moral support across the virtual miles.
Hope your support group goes well tonight

Original poster
pointythings · 31/10/2017 16:29

OK, update: I told him no to another chance. He took it much better than I thought he would. He has changed his mind on running away to the States and instead wants to find a flat near his work and maintain a relationship with the DDs. Which also puts him close to the air force medical facility he uses (he is a veteran).

No change on the financial arrangement, we are sticking with that. I spoke to someone from Wikivorce who laid it all out, so I know what I need to do. As long as neither of us gets arsey, it could all be done and suited in 14 weeks. H has agreed to pay half the costs. Onward and upward.

OP posts:
heartnothead · 31/10/2017 16:45

Totally get where you’re coming from Pointy and lollipop - we can look strong on the outside and we are strong however it’s also ok to feel sad and in bits too.

I am def seeking out some counselling to deal with the fallout of my time with exbf.

As it was a total headfuck.

notapizzaeater · 31/10/2017 17:11

Good, you need to take care of yourself and your DD - he is an adult and make his own life choices.

Ellie56 · 31/10/2017 17:13

From the outside looking in, I can assure you Pointy that you are showing strength in that you are resolute - no wavering and no more chances for DH. You absolutely know the choices you are making are the right ones.

But we know what you're going through is still really hard and it is ok to be "in bits". Just take it one day at a time. It will get easier. Flowers Flowers

Original poster
pointythings · 31/10/2017 21:21

Went to support group with DDs and told them - it was so good to speak to people in RL who have been there with their relatives. It was also good to hear affirmation of my decision to stand firm and hold to my boundaries.

And even better, they are going to start offering 1 to 1 on weekends. I might take that up but DD2 definitely will, she has some difficult memories. DD1 doesn't want 1 to 1 but does want to keep on attending the group.

OP posts:
tribpot · 31/10/2017 21:43

Good - I think it's important for them not to feel alone. And also to hear that what you're doing is the right thing.

How are you doing now?

Original poster
pointythings · 31/10/2017 21:48

I'm OK-ish. I've got my head clear on what I need to do in terms of getting the divorce - that gets done tomorrow. I know what response times to expect. I will probably still feel sick, am still struggling to eat normally. It helps that he is being so reasonable and that he accepts my decision to not give him another chance. One of the therapists in the support group warned me that there will be a grief reaction - for all of us - and said we can always call them. So we will do that as and when we need.

It isn't going to be nice, but we will get through it.

OP posts:
Lobsterquadrille2 · 31/10/2017 21:55

Glad to hear that your support group is living up to its name. I think such groups, as with AA and I guess WeightWatchers and similar, offer the most useful help because you are surrounded by people who've been there. I was at my AA meeting tonight - weirdly I thought of you as we were doing the chapter "To The Wives" (big book). It's all a bit dated now and parts of it have always annoyed me, but lots in it to make the alcoholic think about the damage they've caused to their family.

Sleep well, OP.

lollipop7 · 31/10/2017 22:04

Glad you're all ok.
Wishing you a peaceful night's sleep, lovely xx

Awoof · 31/10/2017 22:51

First time I've said this OP but do pm if you ever want a rant or a chat. Best of luck for tomorrow x

Original poster
pointythings · 01/11/2017 08:01

Divorce order placed on wikivorce. Had a good night's sleep. Eating is still a struggle. Thank you all for the handholds .

OP posts:
lollipop7 · 01/11/2017 17:20

How has your day been so far?

Original poster
pointythings · 01/11/2017 18:06

I've been feeling really spacey. But I've had no trouble getting the info I need from H to get my form completed for the law firm. Marriage certificate is getting sent off in the post tomorrow. Having the practicalities to do is a pain but also gives me focus. And DD2 has stopped blanking H, which has done wonders for the atmosphere in the house. We are being friendly to each other in a resigned kind of way. It's as OK as it can be.

OP posts:
altiara · 01/11/2017 18:27

Flowers for you pointy Flowers
You sound amazing. Hopefully H will take his recovery more seriously for the girls sake as well as his own.

Original poster
pointythings · 01/11/2017 19:04

altiara I hope so. We can't be together as a couple anymore and he knows that, but I bear him no ill will at all. He has a disease. I want him to recover - for the girls, but also for himself. If he manages sobriety and turns his life around, nobody would be happier than I would if he met someone else and made a life with her.

Right now I don't see myself ever dating again, but obviously I'm not entirely myself right now. Once the divorce is finalised, I want to spend some serious time working out who I am and what I want out of life. And when I have done that, who knows what will happen?

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsista · 01/11/2017 19:28

You are free and that is an amazing feeling when you have lived with an addict. Your life and happiness no longer depends on whether you are getting Jekyll or Hyde today

You won't now have that awful stomach churning sinking feeling when you realise they have slipped again

Original poster
pointythings · 01/11/2017 19:37

Christina that is it in a nutshell.

DH went with us on holiday after I gave him the ultimatum. After 2 days he said he wanted to go home to 'think drink.

So I had almost 2 weeks with just me and my DDs. The lightness, the relaxation, the happiness - it was amazing. No worrying, just the three of us. DDs barely squabbled at all - it made me see how badly stress is affecting them.

So yes, there will be hard times and sad times, but what we have to look forward to is the life we should have.

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsista · 01/11/2017 19:41

I've been there, honestly it will be a huge weight off. Its heartbreaking watching someone you love destroy themselves but its even worse when you realize you re going down with them Flowers