So this is it then...

[pointythings]

So my DH is an alcoholic. I gave him an ultimatum in July - the drink or his family. He chose to go into rehab. Two weeks ago he finished treatment.

Tonight I came home after a night away with DDs to ComicCon and he was slurring, showing all the signs. So I snooped. Yep, empty bottle of spirits hidden in his backpack.

I confronted him and the first thing he said was 'can we not do this in front of the girls. Oh how the alcoholics like their secrecy. No, H, the girls need to know - they are 14 and 16 and they have been part of all the conversations.

So now my marriage is over. Shit. I am not backing down. This is it, done, finished. No more chances, he's had plenty. I still feel like shit.

I put my marriage certificate in the post today end emailed off my initial questionnaire. I already have a response and just need to clarify ID requirements - we will have a delay because I am awaiting my new passport but things are moving . And I feel so shit today, I think the grief is kicking in.

for you pointy.
I've just seen this thread. Your strength and level-headedness are amazing.
It is very sad and, as you've said, you'll need time to grieve. But you have taken an amazing step. I wish my mum had done the same. It's the best thing you could do given the circumstances.
Perhaps think back to that holiday today as a taster of what you and your girls have to come.

I'm feeling a bit better tonight. Just been to the local fireworks with the DDs and DH is still being reasonable. He has offered to write me a cheque for his half of the costs of the divorce and is being decent. I am doing the same. He is also not drinking. It's bearable.

That’s good news. Hope it continues.

Update: Going to transfer the court fees this weekend. The atmosphere in the house isn't bad. Dd1 asked about Christmas - I said he is unlikely to have left the house by then, and if we keep getting on as we are (and he does not drink) I can live with that. I'm starting to sleep well again and am feeling less sick.

And now it's exactly a week, to the hour, since I first posted on this thread. Today I paid the court fees. We also went to the cinema together as a family. Weekends are the hardest, we are thrown together so much more and normality is hard to maintain.

But we're still civil, still carefully friendly, DDs are both speaking to him. I guess this is as good as it gets.

Which still sucks.

Well done op.

It still sucks but it will get better. Much better.

Cambionome tonight I watched the start of series 1 of Stranger Things cuddled up to DD2. I've seen most of series 2 but want to watch the whole thing. And it felt like something I could bond with her over.

It made me realise something. I have always tried to understand my DDs' worlds. They are not me, so we don't all like the same things - but we send each other YouTube links to music we like, we share art we like, we try each other's shows on Netflix. And my H has never done this. He's missed out so much by not trying to step into their lives and instead insisting they conform to his expectations. I'm beginning to see that the parenting incompatibilities I've felt were minor were actually really not.

OP your "as good as it gets" really struck a chord with me tonight. I'm recently separated from dh following years of his severe mental illness, which although much improved since last crisis, I simply cannot deal with in this house any more.

You are doing all the right things for your dd's keeping things calm and friendly, and I do know just how weird your new situation is after so long together.

It will improve. Make sure you look after yourself as well as your dds

colouring that makes me feel a lot less alone. There is still a small part of me that feels guilty - but ultimately you and I are not responsible for our partners' health, and we are responsible for our own - and for that of our children, if we have them. We hang on too long in relationships that are not good for us because we nurture and we care. And what various posters say on here about the sunk costs fallacy has really started to resonate with me since July.

At some point you and I will 100% believe in our hearts that we have done the right thing.

Your responsibilities are to your children and yourself, op. You've done your best for your dh and now you are doing absolutely the right thing to move on.
For what it's worth, I was in a similar situation 5 years ago with my dh (mental health issues rather than alcohol) and I kept on and on trying to make it work. All I did really was waste another 5 years.
Well done for being strong - keep going.

Had a lovely day out with the DDs doing archery in the freezing cold - I told people at the club who are his friends as well as mine, but they all get it. It's surprising how many people I know who have actually had personal experience of alcoholism in a loved one or close friend. It's scarily common.

And it looks like my passport will be here imminently so I'll be able to satisfy the ID requirements, which is the last hurdle in terms of getting the proceedings started.

I'm still cold all the time though, am sitting in a toasty warm living room wearing a thick jumper. Go figure.

I'm still cold. Tomorrow I'm going to go to work late so I can pick up my passport from the post office where it's being held. Stupid opening hours, 8 till 11 only.

Then I can get my ID documents sent off and everything will be in place.

DH was meant to go to an AA meeting tonight - he genuinely meant to go, hadn't changed into downtime clothes yet and he always does that if he is not going out. But they don't like people arriving late so it will have to be next meeting. And he still hasn't told anyone, which is not good. But it's his task to take that first step so I am not nagging him.

Have booked in 1 to 1 support for DD2 with our alcohol support counsellor, so that is positive progress.

Everything feels like wading through treacle right now.

You could be feeling cold because you are exhausted. This is understandable considering what you have been, and are, going through.

I find I am freezing when I am really really exhausted. Even though I don’t ‘feel’ sleepy

Aussie exhaustion is probably part of it. Not so much physical, because I am sleeping well, but emotional. At work I am cold because our central heating is slowly dying - oh the joys of NHS buildings.

I am planning to not do anything major this weekend, just get lots of sleep, eat, read, that sort of thing. See if it helps.

Yes to the exhaustion, and your plans for the weekend sound good. This stuff is mind-bogglingly draining, take care

You're doing really well Pointy. Well done. Stay strong and keep doing what you're doing xx

I have my passport. So today I am going to scan all my documents and upload them to the law firm's website. Then everything will be in place. I expect to feel better and worse at the same time.

At least it's support group day.

Well done pointy. Hard to do, but you are absolutely doing the right thing

Shame about the AA mtg and lateness. no they're not keen on lateness but better late than never. He could still have gone.

I suspect he doesn't really believe you're going to go through with it. If he doesn't drink, maybe you'll change your mind...

Springy he may think that... I couldn't possibly comment.

Actually yeah, I can comment. I am not changing my mind. I have no idea what he's thinking though, because he isn't talking about it. Not to me and he hasn't told anyone on his side of the family either. Frankly, I don't care. I'm just going to keep powering through. And if he starts being an arse when he realises that this divorce is happening, I will deal with that too.

Everything is going according to plan - all the paperwork is in, payments made and I have a line on replacement furniture to replace whatever he needs for his new place. I am so far from wavering it isn't even funny.

Hi pointythings - glad to hear that everything is still on track and that your strength, focus and resolve is unwavering. Hope that you received the necessary support from your group last night. I'm surprised and a bit disappointed about your H's AA meeting's attitude. We have people turn up late to every meeting, as well as plenty who leave early. It's the "done thing" to leave when someone has finished talking, and to wait at the door before coming in for the same reason, but that's all. I started a new job this week and was 15 minutes late last night and it couldn't have mattered less. Anyway you keep on as you are - all sounds good.

Lobster I don't think Monday had anything to do with the AA group's attitude, more that H isn't really serious about going...

We never got to support group, because some idiot decided to put in some really badly designed roadworks which meant that a 20 minute journey took us an hour and a half. So by the time we even got close, it was time to turn round and go home.

But at least DD2 has her first one to one session on Saturday and I have an alternative route planned out.

I am sad today. Eternal Flame was on the radio and I nearly cried. I feel in limbo - I know things are progressing behind the scenes and it takes time but I feel a need to be doing something. And there is nothing but fake normality. I am torn between wanting a hug and wanting to be told to get a grip.

Oh pointy.
Well done for getting this far.
Today, Im with my lovely husband because his previous wife drank herself to death.
He gave her all his love and support and she couldn’t do it. Not for her and not for him.
I know how hard you will have tried up to this point.
You deserve more happiness than you’ve had, like my husband.
I bet never in a million years, she never visualid another woman would be sorting through her books, cd collection, Jewellery deciding which ones were going to the charity shop .

Just caught up on your fred, and you sound so sorted! I totally dig about feeling cold. I think it's a symptom of depression/low ebb.

How's things this week? What do you have planned for the weekend?