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Original poster

So this is it then...

452 replies

pointythings · 28/10/2017 20:45

So my DH is an alcoholic. I gave him an ultimatum in July - the drink or his family. He chose to go into rehab. Two weeks ago he finished treatment.

Tonight I came home after a night away with DDs to ComicCon and he was slurring, showing all the signs. So I snooped. Yep, empty bottle of spirits hidden in his backpack.

I confronted him and the first thing he said was 'can we not do this in front of the girls. Oh how the alcoholics like their secrecy. No, H, the girls need to know - they are 14 and 16 and they have been part of all the conversations.

So now my marriage is over. Shit. I am not backing down. This is it, done, finished. No more chances, he's had plenty. I still feel like shit.

OP posts:
Original poster
pointythings · 10/11/2017 18:07

Hi PSE. Sorted, moi? I don't feel it.

We are having a laid back weekend. I want to have a cleaning blitz, do some baking with the DDs, DD2 has her first one to one counselling session tomorrow afternoon. Apart from that I want to veg, watch Netflix, read and eat soup.

Everyone who knows is being lovely - my other line manager said to go home early today if I was feeling rough. I couldn't though - it's a US holiday so H would have been home. He heads off upstairs to the bedroom a lot (I sleep in the spare room) and does his own thing. I wish he would tell people, but it's his lookout that he isn't seeking support.

OP posts:
Lobsterquadrille2 · 10/11/2017 21:32

pointy, there's a lot of things about you that sound very sorted, even if you don't feel it. The most important one in my view is your honesty and transparency. To some extent at least, you have accepted the situation and the fact that however strong and supportive you are, you simply cannot change your H because only he can do that, and he has to want to help himself. It's a shame (again, in my view) that he won't commit to AA (or similar - it's not the only path to sobriety) but suggests that he's not yet had enough. Maybe he'll reach that point and maybe he won't, but either way it's absolutely not your responsibility (which you know anyway).

Hope that DD gets on well with her one to one.

colouringinagain · 10/11/2017 21:57

Pointy I completely get your frustration at being in limbo, I find its one of the most stressful parts of my situation - ex here half the week to spend time with dcs. Looking for a flat for him....

You are making progress, try and keep that when you tick something off your list.

Hang in there

Original poster
pointythings · 11/11/2017 19:48

DD's one to one was useful, we have booked a follow-up for her. Her big issue is feeling guilty about not being 'sad enough'. It's hard for her to acknowledge that her feelings are valid and that she is allowed to feel relieved about the prospect of a life without him living in the same house. I have flashes of feeling the same guilt but I can challenge that though. Surprisingly enough DD1 can too - she is closer to her dad than DD2 but I asked her tonight and she had an amazingly nuanced view of things. Sometimes she is much older than 16.

Being in the house with DH over the weekend is still hard. He is so passive and closed down. He won't talk to anyone, he doesn't engage - he watches TV and does a bit of laundry. I am torn between feeling sorry for him and feeling contempt for him. Neither of those emotions is at all helpful.

So I put my headphones on and listen to Linkin Park. That makes me feel better.

OP posts:
KarenW · 12/11/2017 15:44

Linkin park makes everything better! Hope that you are having some peace today.

Original poster
pointythings · 12/11/2017 19:12

Linkin park makes everything better!

Amen to that! I find listening to sad music allows me to express how sad I am, which means I can genuinely be collected, positive and supportive to my DDs when they need me.

The thing is though, I was listening to happier music again before H relapsed because I genuinely thought we were on a road to better things.

It's also sad how many LP lyrics exactly describe how I feel about my H, and have done for a long time now. LP are a recent discovery for me (and I'm almost 50) but oh how those lyrics resonate.

Today has been mad busy for me - lots of cleaning and baking (both with DD2) while DD1 has been immersed in some very heavy history homework. And all the while H has been sitting on the sofa in glum silence, no effort to engage, like a little localised raincloud. This can't be over soon enough for me.

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PinkTeletubby101 · 12/11/2017 20:28

Hello pointy things. I don’t usually comment on threads but this one I feel the need too, for your daughters sakes. My dad was/is an alcoholic and my mum was married to him for 17 years before they divorced because of his alcoholism. The best thing you can do is get rid of him for your daughters sakes because it has an effect on you all. It was me, my mum, my dad and my sister. I am now 25 (my sis is 3 years younger than me) and we don’t have anything to do with my dad. My mum gave him an ultimatum when I was 13. He chose the drink. So she divorced him, sold the house and took me and my sister with her. We had to go visit him once a week and we hated it. My dad was rich, we had it all. But because of the illness he lost it all. Lost his family, his home, all because he cares about the drink. It is still the same. Most alcoholics never recover. It has deeply effected all of us. I have 2 sons now and he still doesn’t bother. My dad even had cerosis of the liver and only stopped drinking for a year. So now I never see him. Leaving was the best thing my mum ever did for me and my sister, even though it hurt like crazy. It’s a disease that effects everyone. I would say the one mistake my mum made was slagging my dad off to us (he deserved slagging off he lost everything through drink). He gave up his business to carry on drinking and says he doesn’t care if he is homeless. So I just want to say, stick by your daughters and move on from this selfish man! It still effects me now and I could cry for the man my dad used to be but in most cases the alcoholism just gets worse. Xx

Original poster
pointythings · 12/11/2017 21:42

Teletubby thank you for your story. I am not wavering, quite the reverse, but it is good to hear that I am doing the right thing for my DDs. I will not make them see their dad if they do not wish to, have no fear.

I don't see him as exclusively selfish, and having read up extensively on the effects of alcohol, it's startling how it changes people's behaviour. Rigid thinking is one of the things alcoholics do - and my H was always rigid of thinking anyway. It's one of the things that makes him dysfunctional as a parent; there is no ability to adapt to change in his DDs in him at all. I suspect much of this is the drink but some of it is him.

I'm counting down. What I want now is for DD2 to realise that she is allowed to feel relieved at the prospect of living in a house without him and that she is allowed to not feel altogether bad about the divorce. That's what she is having counselling for and she will get there. If it's ok with you, I will tell her what you have said here. I think it will help.

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Original poster
pointythings · 13/11/2017 19:09

Took DH off to his AA meeting just now. I really hope he opens up and talks to them, otherwise he's going to explode. Why do men do this stuff to themselves? (I mean the not seeking help, not the drinking - that's not an exclusively male thing).

OP posts:
springydaffs · 13/11/2017 23:15

Just wondering - why did you take him to a meeting? Can be not get there himself?

springydaffs · 13/11/2017 23:24

Can he not

Original poster
pointythings · 14/11/2017 07:40

Springy he doesn't drive and it's not walking distance. He has never held a license. It's a family issue due to a traumatic car crash his family was in when he was young. So he will have to deal with no transport as well when he moved out.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 14/11/2017 09:43

Bus?

Original poster
pointythings · 14/11/2017 09:59

Bus?
No public transport here after 6 pm. And taxis would still come out of the household budget.

Obviously he will.have to sort himself out after he moves out. But that's his problem. I suspect he will just stop attending at that point.

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Lobsterquadrille2 · 14/11/2017 21:28

Hi pointythings would your H consider on-line meetings? I know a few people who do them a lot, largely because they are unable to get to physical meetings. There's also even more anonymity, obviously, than at a standard AA meeting. And I realise completely that this isn't your problem. Incidentally, it's not just men who bury their heads about it .... I went to the funeral earlier this year of a very dear friend who just couldn't get it. Sober she was delightful and drunk she was a different person - as we all are when we don't have a "stop" mechanism. Personally I've had more identification from meetings than I could have imagined, but most of my friends and definitely all my work colleagues have no idea and I prefer to keep it that way.

Original poster
pointythings · 14/11/2017 21:33

Lobster my H is a complete technophobe. He can just about use a tablet to use You Tube and send the odd email and that's it. But it's something I will suggest to him when an opportunity comes up, I thought there must be such things as online meetings but its good to hear it confirmed.

Tonight has been shit. This whole week is a bit shit because the 16th is the 1 year anniversary of my father's death - DD2 is really struggling with that for a lot of reasons. For me his death was a relief - he had Parkinson's and dementia and had in most ways been gone for about 6 months as a person, but for DD2 it's different. And then just now I found out that a good friend of mine has just died - he had stomach cancer, got treatment and surgery and seemed to be clear and then it came back, very aggressively. He found out he was terminal two days ago.

I really have no head space for my H right now.

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Lobsterquadrille2 · 14/11/2017 21:45

Ah, pointythings, hugs and Flowers for you. I'm so sorry to hear that - you need support for yourself rather than having to provide it for everyone else (and obviously I don't mean your DDs, just that you should have someone that you can lean on). Can you do something on 16th with your DDs as a tribute to your father? Thinking of you.

Original poster
pointythings · 16/11/2017 17:10

Today is the first anniversary of my dad's death. This morning I was sitting at work and the thought hit me - this time last year I was talking to the funeral director arranging my dad's cremation.

I just called my my mum to support her and the conversation got round to the divorce - she asked whether I couldn't give him one more chance and that my Dsis' partner has had his struggles with alcohol and she was really kind to him and it worked... So I told her (kindly) that it's different for us because Dsis partner never lied and sneaked and deceived and he genuinely worked to overcome his addiction. And he has been dry for 6 years.

Not a nice conversation. but I think she's accepted that it's really over now.

I want this week to be over as well. Am meeting a friend for lunch on Saturday (there may be pineapples for those of you who have followed other threads) and am going to spend quality time with the girls.

And DD1 is a complete star according to her teachers, coping really well with 6th form both academically and personally so that's a chunk of good news.

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springydaffs · 16/11/2017 21:35

Well done getting through today pointy Flowers

Well done calmly answering your mum. Well done on your marvellous children. Well done for facing the ship and being resolute.

Blardy well done, I say Star

springydaffs · 16/11/2017 21:36

Ship, shit. Whatevs

Original poster
pointythings · 16/11/2017 21:51

Thanks, springy. I'm getting lot of support at work as well. The pointy support network is well and truly engaged. i just wish H would engage some of his, but it's his lookout.

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Original poster
pointythings · 18/11/2017 19:44

Another weekend rolls round - had a lovely time meeting my friend and her DS. In general it's amazing how the DDs are stepping up in terms of doing their share of the housework - they know it will be necessary when it's just the three of us, and in all fairness H hasn't done his bit for a looooong time. So the new order is starting to take shape already.

Apart from that I've had a stinking cold all week and I'm feeling really tired, but at least I can breathe again today so maybe I'm beating it.

OP posts:
Original poster
pointythings · 21/11/2017 20:38

I'm going to ask him to start looking for somewhere to live. The coexistence thing just isn't working. On Sunday H did something that triggered a lot of bad memories in DD2 - a direct reminder of something he did when very very drunk. So she freaked. I told him never to do it again, then explained to him what the issue was. He didn't remember the original incident because he was so drunk at the time - but he hasn't apologised to DD2 at all, he hasn't mentioned it again, he just sloped off and sulked.

And he keeps touching DD1's feet to get her attention even though she really hates it. It doesn't sound like a big thing, but it just shows a fundamental lack of respect and understanding towards his children.

And apart from that he is bringing nothing to family life. Nothing. At. All. I am trying to maintain some form of normality, he is making zero effort. So I'm done now and he needs to go. I'm going to talk to him tomorrow, on neutral ground and in public. Wish me luck.

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 21/11/2017 20:52

Sending as much luck as I can Flowers

AudTheDeepMinded · 21/11/2017 20:57

Good Luck, I wish my Mum had been as strong as you.