To those of you saying 'DH is lovely'

[BeauMirchoff]

What makes them lovely?
Only asking because my DH is not so lovely and I will soon be leaving him. I had a thread about this and how he didn't care about me.
What does your DH/DP do that makes them lovely? That makes you feel loved and respected? Give me hope that there are still good men out there! Please

I am so sorry, I didn't mean to upset anyone All I genuinely wanted was to know what makes a good, lovely man. And to have some hope for the future.

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He’s the kinda guy that tips warm water on my iced up car windscreen when he leaves for work before I even get to my car. I don’t ask him, he doesn’t tell me. He just does it because it’s a nice and helpful thing to do.

@Dancingtothemusicoftime
I am so sorry has he done anything to make it up to you? Try to regain your trust? What a shit

@BeauMirchoff I wish you all the best. Good luck

I've read the first few and skimmed over the rest but will go back and read later. This is sad for you OP but lovely too.
DH and I are very different, which is hard sometimes but we both respect one another's opinions and I suppose it keeps life interesting!
He is not a very demonstrative person but he does many little things.
He does all the grocery shopping as he knows I hate it and he always gets things I like even if he doesn't.
Knows when I'm stressing even if I don't and sends me off for a bath or takes the kids out so I can get a bit of quiet.
Makes me sandwiches and snacks when I'm bf the baby.
Says the most lovely unexpected things which make me cry. One of the nicest things he said to me when we were having a row once was 'I love you for who you are not what you do' (it made sense in context!).
He can be grumpy and unbending. But he is a kind, thoroughly decent person and I know he would do anything for me and our children.

@Lucyyati you too. Sorry to hear you're in the same boat

"I know he doesn't put me first. If I ever said this to him, he'd answer "but why should I? Do YOU put me first?!" It's his tactic. I never get anywhere."

I have the occasional chat with DH like this. Except that I tell him that no one else needs to think of him first, as he always prioritises himself above everyone and everything else!
He sometimes improves for a bit.
But he'll never be automatically kind and thoughtful because he simply wasn't brought up that way, and whether it's in his nature or not is hard to say, because I've never seen it. He does sometimes bemoan the fact that no one ever says "That bloke, he's such a nice guy" and I tell him straight it's because he isn't "nice". That's not to say he's nasty, he's not at all, but he just doesn't do nice things for other people, or thoughtful things, that would make other people think he was nice.

I'm not painting a great picture of him, but despite all this, I still love him and I'd rather be with him than without him.

He talks to me, not at me, and listens to what I have to say. He shares things with me if he thinks it's something I'll find interesting or amusing. He tells me that I rock, that I'm better at certain things than he is, makes a point of deferring to me when others assume he should be in charge just because he's male. That's respect. He loves to feed me the food and wines I love, and take me to beautiful and interesting places, gets genuine joy from pleasing me. He cleans, cooks and does childcare, at least 50%, and doesn't act like he's doing me a favour. He puts up with my family (!), is always polite, respectful and helpful to them even though they're bloody annoying. He's patient and kind with me and the kids much more than I am.

He's not perfect, but he's pretty flipping amazing. I feel respected, loved and equal in our relationship.

Reading this thread isn't the most comfortable thing to do but it does make me feel that my currently very hard situation mid-divorce with stbExH in the spare room being a prick is the right thing to do. He was NOT doing any of the nice things, for the last 5 years at least

I'm sorry things are rough for you. Try to use these positive stories not to make yourself feel bad, but as a thing to show that you can have these qualities in a partner if you find the right one for you.

My OH is not always lovely! He has some very non-lovely qualities sometimes. He can be impatient and a bit of a perfectionist which means he unfairly puts his super high standards onto everyone else. Poor time keeping drives him mad, I am a poor time keeper and he nags like hell if I'm running just 2 minutes late. He can be a bit persnickety. He also plays music on his phone when I am trying to watch tv, which makes me so angry (I hate competing noise!) that I could brain him with the phone. I however, at far from perfect myself. We love each other in spite of our flaws.

He is a lovely man in the main though. He's pretty unselfish, a caring and hands on father and prioritises his family (me and DS) over everything else. He works bloody hard, is 100% behind me being a SAHM and we have none of the issues others seem to have about me being 'allowed' his money as I don't earn. He genuinely believes my contribution to our family of being home with DS is as valuable as his. All money is ours, I have full access to it all and spend what I need without consulting him (large purchases we obviously talk about first, but you get my point).

He also finds time to still make me feel appreciated - he came home with flowers for me this week and told me to sit down and let him finish cooking dinner because I'd rung him at work earlier on having a moan about how trying DS was being. He said he thought I needed cheering up because it sounded like I was having a rough day. He made me a cup of tea and made me chill out while he cooked. Only a little thing, but it helped make my day - which had been a bit of a stinker - a bit nicer.

Today for example, I am exhausted because DS was up just after 4am. Not usual, but a stint of early waking made worse by the clock change. He had a lie in (we have one each at the weekends) but after he was up and I'd cooked us all brunch he packed DS up and took off for a few hours to see his parents leaving me with strict instructions to put my feet up and not do any housework. They'll be back shortly but I've had a lovely time soaking in the bath and reading (and looking at MN).

No one is perfect. Everyone is annoying/grumpy/selfish sometimes. But if you can be happy with your lot 90% of the time, know that you are loved and valued and feel that you genuinely enjoy spending your time with that other person, I'd say you've got it good.
I feel like I've got a lover, best friend and team-mate who always has my back whatever the situation.

@Onlymeeeeee sorry to hear that

This is a great thread! I've worked for years supporting victims of domestic abuse - bcs I was in an abusive relationship myself many years ago - and it's easy to focus on all that stuff, not realising there are some lovely, ordinary, decent men out there.

At the end of each session of the Freedom Programme they list characteristics of a good, decent man. I hadn't realised I had forgotten good men exist.

Thanks so much for this thread! I've just met a guy and I've been running scared, afraid of all the abusive characteristics I feel sure are lurking blah blah. This thread has helped me see that not necessarily! Please God let this time be a good guy.

I really love this thread too BeauMirchoff.

My DH often belittles me when I talk about something that's relatively minor. But hearing from all the posters on here reminds me why these small acts of kindness/love - or the lack of them - really matter.

My boyfriend is the kindest person I know.

A couple of weeks ago we were sat at the kitchen table he not doing anything in particular when he said myheart, do you think when I die and you die that we will see each other again?

He tells me he loves me and for the first time in my life I believe it.

There are lovely men out there op but you won't find it while you're with your horrible.

It's absolutely wonderful to live a life without these men dragging us down. Be brave!

I don't think men divide cleanly into nice or nasty. I thought my ex was Mr Nice, and put up with a lot of mildly annoying shit from him as a result which I probably shouldn't have. Then he turned into a definite Mr Nasty for a while, but now the divorce is going through he seems to be all Mr Nice again. Reminds me of what he was like when we first met, trying to impress me. Needless to say I'm not impressed. But he's not a Bad Person either. (I do appreciate that some people really are just nasty buggers; it's just not all black or white.)

Like others, though, I've appreciated some things from the relationships I've had since more because they've made me realise what I was missing.

Current bf notices if I am feeling a bit ill or upset, asks what's wrong and is properly sympathetic, and ready to apologise if he thinks it might be his fault. Does nice little things like cooking something he thinks I might like. Notices and shows appreciation if I do something nice for him. Wants me to have a good time with him, in and out of bed. Generally does things to help other people, even if it might be a bit inconvenient for him - he's prepared to put his own needs to one side for a moment - but without making a big deal of it; it seems genuine. Is confident but doesn't need to impress everyone else with how wonderful he is. All this is totally new territory to me :)

Mine is my OH. I'm not a particularly romantic person but he gets me. He irritates me in a thousand tiny ways but I know they don't really matter. Childcare, finances and housework are split fairly.

His five closest friends are financially extremely successful; I'd not swap my more modest life. He is successful in all the ways that matter.

He couldn't tell you what my favourite flowers are, let alone buy them. He made a photograph of ds from his first year, with the same pose over time. He did a rubbish job he absolutely hated every day for about 5 years. My whole heart are full of him and DS.

to all of you struggling

My DP is lovely. Not perfect, because no one is, but lovely nonetheless. Examples sound stupid but mean the world to me. The fact that the first time i went around to his house i noticed how lovely and fluffy all the towels were, and later when we were living together i asked him how he'd got them all so fluffy, and he replied slightly shamefacedly that he'd panicked about me coming over and wanted everything to be perfect so had gone out and bought completely all new towels.
The fact that, despite being the worst person at mornings i have ever met, he uncomplainingly and at his suggestion got up at 6.30 throughout my pregnancy to drive me to the station so i wouldn't catch cold.
The fact that when i was close to having a panic attack about something he sat with me and rubbed my back until i calmed down, and when i snapped "you don't have to keep doing that just to make me feel better!" at him, he replied "i'm not, i'm just checking you're not turning into a stegosaurus." Then i glared at him and he looked injured and said "don't worry, i'll still love you. I'll build you a stegosaurus sofa in the garden and we can watch stegosaurus tv together" and then i had to laugh at him because he's an idiot and i felt better than i had in ages.
The fact that he buys me red roses anytime (rarely) he's near a supermarket, because "they're romantic and i love you". i have said consistently that i think red roses are a marketing ploy, so now he buys me red roses + some other flower he thinks i'll actually like, because apparently roses = romantic no matter what i say. I rather like them now.
The fact that no matter how fat and unattractive i feel after a baby and (facial) surgery, he never fails to tell me i'm beautiful.
He had faults, but so do i, and to paraphrase terry pratchett, in the category of people who have ever thought me worth looking at twice, he is really rather wonderful. I hope you find someone who is that to you, OP

This is a very nice thread in so many ways but have to admit I couldn't read it all as it was painful and so many of the things are 100% opposite of how DP is to me even though I bend over backwards to do lovely things for him but it's never enough. Just get constant crtiticism, silent treatment, gaslighting, emotional abuse basically. And I always try to defend it in my head saying "sometimes he's lovely." But if asked to give an example would probably say well he tells me I'm beautiful a lot and that he is very affectionate but mostly when we're in bed Depressed as fuck now to be honest. It's nice to know there are some good guys out there I guess just wish I could stop being in love with the wrong one.

He cooks. I would quite possibly starve without him (I am exaggerating, but he provides healthy well balanced dinner for the family every evening)

He makes me laugh.

He does his fair share of ensuring the household runs smoothly, possibly more than his fair share during term time.

We are a team and he tells me that all the time. I've lost weight and he tells me I'm hot every day, but he did when I was bigger. He doesn't need telling to do things around the house, if he spots something he just does it, no applause required. We are very similar in our upbringings and subsequently hold similar views on parenting and life in general. He works so hard and rarely moans. He adopted my ds and dd as their dad died not long after we got together. They were very little and now call him dad. I had a horrible marriage before and him too so we never fail to appreciate each other

This is a powerful thread. Im glad I've read it. Xx

Lovely to read the heartwarming messages... It reaffirms my decision to LTB.

I was an extension of him and nothing more, for far too long.

Infuriating man. Dreadful marriage. Wish I could stop feeling like such a failure tho

He's not perfect by neither am I !

He's just as much as involved with our DD as I am, he does over half the housework and works with the main aim of keeping us all happy. He thinks of DD and I before himself.

My horse had an accident last week which left him quite I'll and he was off his food, Dhorse has been around awhile and I left work early one afternoon to check up on him, I found DH in his stable, having made up a special mash for him hand feeding it to Dhorse as he was too tired to stand and off his food. DH did this for two afternoons and I believe it saved Dhorse - made me love him even more.

Dhorse won't speak to me now, DH is the best thing ever though - traitor