To those of you saying 'DH is lovely'

[BeauMirchoff]

What makes them lovely?
Only asking because my DH is not so lovely and I will soon be leaving him. I had a thread about this and how he didn't care about me.
What does your DH/DP do that makes them lovely? That makes you feel loved and respected? Give me hope that there are still good men out there! Please

Mine is my best friend. He also dotes on our children. He looks after me and I look after him. We do everything together from shopping to Ikea trips (which is not "shopping". It's battling for our lives in Daedalus's labyrinth!)
We even build flat pack furniture together with zero arguing.

My other half is part hero part nightmare. I just asked him what his biggest flaw is as a husband and without hesitating he said "Laziness". And he is spot on. On the flipside my flaw is micromanaging to compensate for his laziness! But everything else makes up for it. Last night we lay on the couch watching a movie and he spent the whole time rubbing my feet. We went to bed and I commented that I was quite stressed so got a massage before sleep. I know he wanted more but he wouldn't even entertain it as he could see how sleepy I was. This morning I got a brew in bed and today he is putting together my book cases for my new study. In return, I make his favourite meals and packed lunches.

It is about considering what your partner likes, what they prize over anything else. For me its sleep and relaxation, I can not function if my sleep is disturbed or I have no down time. He loves his food, and knowing I went out of my way to get his favourite biscuits or bread is enough for him. ( we do other stuff too, thats just an easy example)

Mine does probably 70% of housework (we both work fulltime), and when I feel guilty he says it is because I carry more of the mental load of the household (which is true). He encourages me to take exciting opportunities in my career even if they will make his life harder in the short-term. He brings me coffee in bed every morning and makes me hot chocolate every evening before bed. He is also my favourite person to hang out with.

What is lovely about my dh is that he will never shy away from taking responsibility. This wouldn't work in many relationships but I was a single mother for many long years before dh and very used to taking responsibility for every little thing, and with men who didn't like to take responsibility for themselves, let alone child/wife. So to have someone so 100% reliable, who considers us a team and in it together forever, is a hugely calming influence on me.
He can be grumpy and isn't perfect (me neither), but I always feel there is nowhere he'd rather be than with me.

I have a very kind one too!

And he is intelligent, very hard-working (to his own detriment) and selfless; works hard at everything and very funny. Also very even tempered and very honest. And I'd say that he is actually more naturally "maternal" than I am, and is a fantastic (albeit rather over-indulgent!) father!

Still drives me nuts and we are very different people for example I am very imaginative and he is totally rational, but it seems to work! Only downside; he travels and works such a lot that life is very pressured and we only have brief snatches of time alone.

He genuinely sees the kids and the house as 50% his responsibility and acts like it.
He sees me as his equal and acts like it.
He has interests similar to mine and interests of his own. He acts interested in the thing which interest me.
He does a job which he loves and does it well.
He supports my career.
He does 50% of the thinking, planning and admin involved in running a family and a home.
He has nice friends and likes my friends.

No one is perfect. I'm not and he isn't. But there's literally no one I would rather spend time with. He thinks of me all the time - this morning he popped out to the supermarket and came back with sanitary towels as he thought I might be running low. I realise that doesn't sound romantic, but it's the kind of low key thoughtful thing I have always done for partners and have never had it reciprocated before him.

He tells me how much he loves me and how attractive he finds me all the time. He puts the twins to bed every night straight after work even though he's knackered so I can have a bit of peace. If I've been up loads in the night he will get up with them at the crack of dawn so I can get a bit more sleep and vice versa. He is a wonderful dad to the boys and genuinely loves spending time with them and with me. We have a whole language of in jokes that have developed over the years. If I'm feeling down he will go out of his way to make me smile. He drives me and the boys places so I don't have to wrestle them on to and off a bus. He's supported me financially when my health has stopped me from making much / any money and has never once complained or made me feel bad about it. He's awesome :)

Teddy ... News flash "He doesn't like cats but he makes a big effort with my one and buys him treats". He likes cats. He just won't admit it.

OP I have been in crap relationships too and it's honestly like night and day.

DH is lovely because (recent examples which come to mind)

When we disagree about a parenting issue we talk about it until we find a solution we both like, then he implements it with no games. So we can trust each other.

He encourages and pushes me to be my best self career wise etc. Tells me not to compare myself to others.

Even though he is stricter with DC than I am he is also unfailingly fun and always makes them laugh and happy.

Probably does more housework than me on balance. Definitely does more at the weekends.

We share money etc out based on who needs it rather than who earned it as we recognise there are other contributions to the family.

My first not so ‘d’ h was always late, grumpy, selfish and disrespectful. We went on a centerparks holiday with other family members when the dc were 2 and a newborn. I went with my sil for a girlie spa session (2hrs) and later on he moaned ‘you haven’t even thanked me for looking after the kids’ !?! Knob. My second dh has a crazy job - well paid but often leaves at 5am and might not be back until 10pm so virtually everything is left to me house and kids wise as well as my own job. He also has faults and at times has caused me great unhappiness but he loves me and tries his best to be a great dad and dh. He is strong and wise and notices when I am struggling and does thoughtful unexpected things like book me a massage or bring me flowers. We love spending tome together and chatting and have great plans to travel once the kids fly the nest. We get each other and I love that we both trust difficult times will pass and we find each other again and laugh and love and make merry. He is probably kinder to me than I am to him as I’m very self reliant and have never booked him a massage! We are a good team and always put up tents and Christmas trees together without arguing! (My sisters acid test of a good relationship There are some good men out there and you deserve to be loved and valued.

My dh is my biggest fan/cheerleader. We met at university so our careers have grown whilst we have been together and he has always encouraged me to go for it and be the best I can. He is also an amazing dad to our two girls and is never afraid of the night shift. He cooks most of the meals- oh and he irons my clothes and makes my lunch every day. Actually I'm wondering what he sees in me now!

He buys me chocolate 🍫😃

(There are lots of other lovely things too )

He is a kind and gentle man, my life is better for having him in it.

That is the meaningful equation. Is your life better or worse with him in it.

Ahh I'm so sorry OP, life is too short to be treated badly by the one person who should love you more than anyone else.
I realise I am extremely lucky to have met my DH of 21 years when I was 20 and that he is still 'the one'. I fancy him(even more now), he is kind, generous, funny, supportive. He works full time, I Work part time and do the majority of housework in the week. He cooks at weekend, irons his own clothes, does DIY and lawn etc. We do everything else together and he has been a great father to our 2 DDs. We are a team above everything else.
I wish you well, don't settle for this.

This thread should probably be pinned...

I've just thought of something else...he likes me! He'd prefer to be in my company than down the pub with the lads, he never excludes me from anything unless it's appropriate (e.g. work night out or stag do). My ex was always making plans that didn't involve me (and I don't mean I should have been included in everything!) and I always felt that although he apparently loved me, he didn't actually really like me or want to spend much time with me on our own. Saturday night we'd be in watching telly or have plans to go out, and he'd suddenly announce he was bored / didnt fancy it and was going out, or invite one of his mates round. DH prioritises time with me and I do with him, we're each other's favourite person to hang out with.

DP is very kind and thoughtful. I knew he was a keeper when 2 weeks after dating, he stayed up with me on a work night to help me complete a job application.

OP do you think it is wise to start a thread on why everyone's OH is lovely when you feel unloved, under valued or not cherished, will it really give you hope or make you feel worse?

It's all about perspective one woman's lovely is another woman's irritation. I could give you a list of why my OH is so lovely and then I could probably match that with a list of what's not so lovely. Together nearly 30 years so we've been through many stages of loveliness and exasperation.

Sorry if I'm a party pooper on this heartwarming thread

After reading all your replies, I am confident I have made the right decision to leave him. I used to be proud of myself and what I've achieved but now I can't even think of one good quality of mine.
A lot of you have talked about how your partners encouraged you and supported you in your careers. Mine would never do this. He says I work too much (but then does very little to help me with housework) and sees wanting to have a good career and being successful at it as something bad. You're a bad person if you want to have a successful career, basically.

@Nanna50 I know what you mean. But it's actually been very helpful. It's made me realise that I deserve more. Without having to ask for it! That there are men out there who are not selfish assholes who think that by just going to work they are doing their partners' a favour.

I'm pleased the thread has helped I would think a common theme running through lovely OH's is that they are not selfish. There are many considerate men out there OP go find yourself one.

My mother used to say that my dad was the wind beneath her wings, I didn't know why she thought this until after his death, then I understood.

Please don't think good men are not the norm. I would say every one of our male friends is a great dad and husband.

Mine is the best though

He is a fantastic cook and as a result, I barely know where the kitchen is. In fact, he was slightly horrified to see that I didn't know how to set the dishwasher which is at least a year old.

He is a fantastic dad, friend, son and neighbour too. He's mowing our elderly neighbour's lawns right now.

He is still really romantic (after 26 years together, 22 married). He buys amazing presents and surprises me often. He is just a thoroughly decent chap.

Mine is considerate; thinks of how I might feel about things, doesn’t expect anything and is grateful if I do things for him. It goes both ways.

I don’t know if I did the right thing or not reading this thread ☹️