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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

To those of you saying 'DH is lovely'

187 replies

BeauMirchoff · 28/10/2017 11:02

What makes them lovely?
Only asking because my DH is not so lovely and I will soon be leaving him. I had a thread about this and how he didn't care about me.
What does your DH/DP do that makes them lovely? That makes you feel loved and respected? Give me hope that there are still good men out there! Please SmileBrewCake

OP posts:
millifiori · 28/10/2017 11:33

My DH does 50% of all house work and childcare without ever feeling like he's doing me a favour or helping out. We share it.
He makes me laugh every day.
He buys really thoughtful presents - he once found me a recording of my favourite song which is a rare song he didn't even know the name of so he googled fragments of lines from it he'd hear me singing and tracked down several versions of it before choosing the one he thought I'd like best.
He's considerate. He doesn't stay out all night or come home hours and hours later than he said he would.
He comes to pick me or the DC up from the station on cold or rainy days. I have to nag him not to!
He tells me he finds me attractive even though I'm 30lb heavier than when we met.
We rarely row.

He's very far from perfect and he has done several really challenging things in the past which would have the LTB posters out in force. But the point is, in the long run and overall, he is a good, kind man who puts his family (including me) first and wants the best for us all.

crunchtime · 28/10/2017 11:34

Ok
Our very first date coincided with the day I was moving out of my uni accommodation.
He came round, cleaned the kitchen and fed me cheese and wine.

He was a rock during both of my pregnancies and births. When the babies arrived he did everything. ..allowing me to rest and recuperate. He's a fab dad , breadwinner etc
He plans surprise adventures for me....
He makes me a mug of tea every morning and makes my packed lunch while I sit and drink it.
He gives amazing hugs.
Tells me loves me.

He's just gorgeous.

HerOtherHalf · 28/10/2017 11:34

I honestly don't know what it means to be valued or cherished

Start by learning to value and cherish yourself. Once you master that you won't settle for a partner who doesn't value you. How about you take a chance and tell us some lovely things about yourself. I'll bet there are plenty.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 28/10/2017 11:35

Mine can be a mardy arsed, lazy, manchild (that snores like a train) but-he loves me as I am (lardy arsed), never criticises, tells me I look beautiful (when I'm not), is generous, funny, clever and never mean.
Hope you find your lovely dp one day, but you know, being alone and happy is better than being with a twat and miserable.

thecanaries · 28/10/2017 11:35

My DH is lovely as he brought me breakfast in bed as he went of a rare night out (to our local pub) drank too much wine as he doesn't really drink and was sick last night - which I mopped up at 2.30 am.

He's lovely because he's not perfect and he recognised what a dick he was unprompted. Lovely for me is not about perfection but having self awareness and trying to be fair
fair most of the time.

Mupflup · 28/10/2017 11:37

He always offers to pick me up from the station, even though it's only a 20 min walk. Makes me a cup of tea every morning and gets quite put out if I get to the kettle first. Texts me regularly through the day to see how mine is going and tells me about his. Sends me endless pictures of the dog doing cute stuff and animal video links. Catches all the spiders. Tells me he loves me regularly. Watches things on eBay he thinks I might like. Always offers to run me a bath when I've had a bad day even though I always say no! Is interested in my job, my friends etc. Goes mad with me if I've walked anywhere dangerous on my own or in the dark rather than getting a taxi or asked for a lift.

I spent a long long time with someone who took everything but gave nothing and regularly let me walk home in the dark late at night on my own while he sat on the sofa. 7 years into being with DH I still sometimes struggle with how our relationship works and that he actually likes to do stuff for me.

MrsMotherHen · 28/10/2017 11:38

My DH comes home from work after a ten hour day baths both the children (2 and 18weeks) and puts them to bed every night.

Tidys the kitchen after tea most nights again after being in work.

Runs me nice hot baths.

Does things for me if i ask even the daftest things like making noodles at 10pm because am hungry greedy

He lets me lie in at weekends and get up with the children so he never gets a lie in although this morning i sneaked out with them so he could have one.

Rings me on his lunch break just to see if am having a good day. Also texts me saying he loves me every morning .

Overall Hes a good egg and a great man, wonderful dad to our children hes my best friend and we make a good team.

StepAwayFromCake · 28/10/2017 11:38

The only time I'm aware of how physically strong he is, is when I come home and find that he's moved all the furniture alone, for example. I have never felt it on my body. He is gentle and careful.

He never tries to control what I do. If anything, he encourages me to do enjoyable things - "Go, you know you'll feel better for having joined in", "Call me when you want fetching" etc.

Our money and resources are completely shared. I do not have to justify any expenditure. I do have a couple of dormant accounts from pre-dh, which he knows about and does not expect me to change them.

He never complains about housework. He's more houseproud than me, but if things get too slobby and he's fed up of doing them, he'll just ask me.

In 20y he has only once refused to eat a meal that I prepared. (Justifiably - I'd tried to rescue a burnt dish. It was utterly inedible!)

We talk, and listen to each other. We disagree, but do not fight.

I feel respected, cared for and valued. I also feel loved, but the first three are more import to me. I could not be with a man who loved me, but did not respect me - and I have broken up with boyfriends over this.

BackBoiler · 28/10/2017 11:39

He makes me laugh and enjoys being with us all, as I do with him and the kids. It is easy to be with him, even when other things in life are tricky.

crunchtime · 28/10/2017 11:39

Another one. ..on the anniversary of my father's death , he sent my mum flowers.

StepAwayFromCake · 28/10/2017 11:40

Since having dc he is not hugely affectionate, and I miss that. But if he doesn't have room for masses of affection, I'd rather the dc get it.

MoonlightMedicine · 28/10/2017 11:40

OP I wish you all the best and I'm sorry you're going through this.

I have a lovely DH. He makes me want to be a better person, he's honest, kind, respectful and loving. He never makes me feel bad about myself and we are very much a team. I've been with him since we were 18 (22 years now) and still feel like we get closer all the time. I honestly couldn't have wished for anything more.

welshgirlwannabe · 28/10/2017 11:41

He does all of the early mornings so I can have a lie in.... to be fair I do all the night feeds but he really prioritises my well being.

He is kind and generous and values our relationship. I have these same traits. I like to think neither one of us would put up with any less.

DoubleRamsey · 28/10/2017 11:42

He supports and encourages my career and doesn't expect it to come second to his.

Is nice, polite and kind to my crazy difficult (but I love them dearly) family and always backs me up with his family (even if he disagrees) and then will discuss it privately.

Always, pretty much, says thank you when I have washed up, or cleaned, or cooked dinner (I do the same back) it makes me feel that he doesn't assume it's my job, and he notices and appreciates any effort I make.

I have lots of fun with him, and prefer his company to anyone.

He encourages me to go and spend time with friends and have hobbies.

Am able to make mistakes around him without fear of him getting cross for example accidentally scraping the car in the supermarket (a very different experience than with my parents) - although he does tease me lightheartedly about it afterwards

He is incredibly generous to me (and others) and will often go out of his way to befriend people by finding common ground. And is kind to people that others often overlook.

Aww I should probably go and give him a hug and tell him I appreciate him - it's nice to list good things about your dp so you don't take them for granted

Babyroobs · 28/10/2017 11:42

My dh is lovely because he puts up with my moods and rantings whilst always being placid himself. He organizes lovely thoughtful gifts such as photo books with lovely sayings ( about me). If I am down about my weight or lacking in self esteem, he boosts me up, he does more than his fair share of housework and childcare ( although not always the jobs I want prioritising ! ). He has just come into some money and has said as I am currently juggling two jobs and am burnt out he has told me to hand my notice in for one job on Monday. This will take a huge amount of pressure off me. He cooks delicious food that I don't have the patience to cook. He listens patiently whilst I rant about work problems and situations that have upset me or are bothering me.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/10/2017 11:42

Mine isn't lovely but he's ok. He does try and he does mostly do what I ask him, although sometimes it's a struggle. We share cooking and washing up duties; other than that the rest of the housework is mostly left to me, but he does do all the garden and heavy stuff.

He does love me though - he's just been brought up quite selfish and never really got out of that. He's a hard worker and never stints us on anything though, he's not mean.

I do wish that he was more thoughtful and kind - but he is who he is. And I married him anyway, knowing that "thoughtful and kind" weren't really part of the package. I do know he values me, very much - and every now and then he tells me what a great job I do bringing up our boys (I do most of it, tbf). He values my advice, both in his job and our life; and he love us all. He's just not a nurturing type.

I do hope you find someone who does know how to value and cherish you.

reetgood · 28/10/2017 11:43

@beaumirchoff whilst I was typing my essay of a post I missed your post about not knowing what feeling valued or cherished felt like. I get that. Very much. I remember when my now partner and I got together 8 years ago (second time round, we’d dated as teenagers :) ) and I had this thought ‘wow, this is what being in a normal relationship is like’. Where we behave like we value and respect each other... who’d have thought it. We’ve had our bad and good times, but fundamentally we both like each other. We’ve both been an arse but we sorted it out. My previous relationship I only saw how not right it really was when I was out of it.

Ellybellyboo · 28/10/2017 11:45

My DH isn’t overly romantic or bring me tea in bed or anything like that, but he’s kind, generous and thoughtful

He’s my equal partner, not my 3rd child.

He does stuff around the house because he lives here too, he’s never used the phrase ‘baby sitting’ when looking after his own kids. He cooks, cleans, walks the dog and ferries the kids about just as much as I do because as an adult with children, that’s what you do. He’s not ‘helping’ me

He has his faults, and he can be a dick sometimes, same for me, but he’ll acknowledge when he’s been a dick and apologise.

Puppymouse · 28/10/2017 11:46

Mine runs our house really: putting washing on, reminding me about stuff like things to take to nursery for DD. He cleans, he does all the cooking, DIY and gardening and shares 50/50 care of DD. All of this allows me to have a horse on DIY livery which he knows is a dream come true for me.

He also slept downstairs with the dog when he was poorly. He helped me get into the shower and changed my maternity pads for me after my section for DD. He’s a brilliant Dad. He puts more into the joint account to allow me more funds for my horse. He mucks out for me some days and picks poos in the field.

And he works full time while I work part time and is happy to keep things as they are even when DD goes to school.

We’re not without our issues but I can’t ask for more really.

MrsMotherHen · 28/10/2017 11:49

Another lovely thing just popped in my mind.

On my 21st birthday many moons ago i was upset that my nan and granadad (they brought me up) and mum wasnt around I was 16 17 then 18 lost all my parents within 3 years. Anyway he got me a birthday card from each of them with a memory keepsake card to keep forever.

On my mums anniversary of her death he gets me flowers every year and always buys me flowers anyway. The best ones he ever got me was on our wedding day. The biggest bunch of flowers i had ever seen delivered to my hotel with written in the card "see you at 3pm" I love love love this bloody man!

He is very funny and we laugh alot too even after all these years Grin

BabychamSocialist · 28/10/2017 11:49

Sorry about your situation OP (or maybe congratulations - I don't know!)

Personally, the reasons for my DH being lovely:

*His sense of humour - he generally is one of the funniest people I know and he will find the humour in most situations.
*He can get on with pretty much anyone in any situation.
*He's very calm and rational, whereas I'm hot-headed and impulsive, so we balance each other out.
*He's a genuinely great dad and adores our kids, and they adore him. He works away a lot so he makes a huge effort to be here for them when he's home.
*He's an old-fashioned gentleman and old romantic at heart, which I find sweet.
*He's an old Trot like me and we go on marches together and one of our first dates was a CND rally.

Pansiesandredrosesandmarigolds · 28/10/2017 11:53

He makes my life better.

oldbirdy · 28/10/2017 11:55

We've been together 28 years. He's on his way out to his guitar lesson now and I just said maybe i'd get round to hauling myself in the shower and get dressed while he's out. He said he saw no need and I could have a lazy day if I wanted. I said 'I have to do a supermarket shop' and he said 'Why not do it online and I can bob out for a few things to tide us over when I get back'.
We just got back from a mini break he bought for my birthday.
I won't lie, the baby and toddler years were hard - one of our kids is autistic and he didn't understand at first - but we are a team.

FuckFaulkerILikeTheGruffalo · 28/10/2017 11:56

BeauMirchoff I'm so sorry you are being treated so poorly.

I would describe my DP as lovely, but I've never exactly thought about why until now:

A genuine respect for women.
If my back is bad I just need to ask and he'll help me about, nip to shops for me etc. I got 11.30pm-walked-to-shops-for-me PMS chocolate the other week too!
He always speaks kindly to me and we do not raise voices when we're cross with each other.
He compliments me so so many times in one day, both personality and looks, loves to be close/snuggly and tell me he loves me all the times the thought pops into his head.
If never ever feel pressured into sex and if he's in the mood and all I want is cuddling his attitude is "Well, no problem, I love cuddles!" instead of pestering or disappointed.
He babies my houseplants as much as I do.
He is always appreciative of my cooking for him and does the washing up without being asked.
We laugh together every time we're in the same room.

Don't get me wrong, we don't like all the same things, we have had our disagreements and the man has no interest in rugby but he ticks the boxes for the big stuff and small stuff that matters to me.

I'm really sorry OP that you feel you don't know what it is to be valued. I hope that you asking what you have means you still value yourself, instead of being so ground down by your DH that that's gone too, which does happen in bad relationships (been there myself before). I learned a while ago that no company is better than bad company, but said that you probably will find someone lovely for you, it may just take a bit of waiting.

Mrskeats · 28/10/2017 11:57

Mine is lovely because
He is kind and generous
Is very good to his stepdaughters
He regards housework, cooking etc as a shared enterprise
He puts up with my annoying dogs :))
He is funny and intelligent
He is very supportive of my career
This is my second go at marriage though so maybe I was due a break

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