DH has had an affair

[threeandmeandthedog]

2017 has been shit. DH 's dad died, I lost my amazing sister to cancer, which had spread to her brain. I was with her throughout most of her illness and it was really fucking awful. She died in June.
I found out that since July DH had hooked up with an old friend he hadn't seen for decades, they bumped into each other at a social event. They have been for coffees, a few drinks and they have kissed.
I only found out because I looked at his phone as I sensed something was wrong. And I feel awful for looking at his phone. She is married with children and an assistant head teacher at a local school. Her partner doesn't know. Apparently it didn't go further than a handful of meetings, texts and kissing. But it would have carried on if I hadn't found d out. And to me this feels like he has just stamped on our marriage. He says it was nothing to do with me, he just met her again after 20+ years and these feelings came up.
If feelings like that come up surely you just say " I have strong feeling but I am married with 3 D.C. And I love my wife so best we don't contact each other." Apparently not.
We have 3 DC. If we didn't I would kick him out right now. I love him but I don't know where we go from here.
He is sorry, wants to make it work, etc.
I think we had both become distant from each other. But I thought we were also supporting each other.
I work full time and have a long commute, where as his working hours are more flexible and he does pick ups and drops offs for school as all three kids are in primary. So if I did ask him to leave I'd have to see him every day anyway.
I am just so sad and angry and upset. This has been the most awful year anyway, I didn't think it could get worse and now it has. My parents have both died and I was very close to my sister. One thing that was getting me through her death was the thought of our family, who mean everything to me. But he has broken the trust in our relationship and I don't know what to do.

Thanks for the different perspectives, haven't said anything to the kids yet, I am not done thinking and I need more time to decide what I want to do.

I am drained and exhausted and so sad.

Exhaustedmumof4 I don't understand how people can be so selfish either, it's beyond me.

You don't need to rush into telling the kids anything and you don't need to tell them, he can under your supervision. The kids have a explanation for the moment. Just try and focus on looking after yourself.

It's 4am again. Sat here in tears. We have an elderly dog and he sometimes needs to go out in the night. We live in the middle of a city with no garden just a back yard, so taking hi. Out involves a two minute walk to the park.
I took him into the yard for a pee but I. CAnt take him to the park. What if one of the kids wakes up or something happens to me. He's pacing the house and getting distressed. I feel distressed at not being able to have the dog if this is my new reality. This is horrible.

I'm so sorry your going through this. None of this is your fault.

Can H pick the dog up later today and take him to where he's staying? You don't need extra to think about right now.

No advice I’m afraid but just wanted you to know someone is reading this and holding your hand. I’m sorry you are having to go through this. It’s not fair.

I'm sat here crying, I feel so pathetic.

You’re not pathetic. You’re grieving. You’ve been let down horribly.

But you’re strong. You can do this.

You aren't pathetic at all. Your life has been turned upside down by someone who is meant to love and prioritise you. He failed and you are left to pick up the pieces.

You are being very brave. Be kind to yourself.

You’re not pathetic. I keep thinking the same thing when I sob my heart out. I ended up calling him last night sobbing because I just wanted him. It’s horrible, utterly horrible. We don’t deserve this.

In the first few weeks my dog only got walked sporadically and DD ate a lot of fish fingers. We're back up to normal now so don't sweat it too much x

you ate far from pathetic. You’re a lovely, caring woman who’s first thought is her dc and dog!

These first few weeks will be tough but you’ve had an enormous shock, you will not feel like this in a while, you will have a new normal and you and your dc and your dog! will be ok.

for you too Queen. Night time must be the worst, if you can’t sleep.

OP ' ....I don't understand how people can be so selfish...'

I absolutely agree with you. I just think people have got a lot more selfish now.
Stay strong.

You’re doing great OP-it would be weird if you weren’t crying with all you’ve been through but you are keeping strong. Baby steps will get you there

Nights are the hardest, that’s when all our fears come to the front. It will get better.

You are NOT pathetic.
Crying is something you need to do.
So you do it as much as you like.
I used to find a corner somewhere, curl up in a ball and sob my heart out for hours and hours.
You'll be amazed at how many tears a body can produce.
I used to cry every day, for months.
So do NOT for one moment think it's a weakness.
It's not. It's just what you need to do sometimes.
You are grieving. There are many stages to get through yet.
Just take each hour at a time for now.

Queen I miss my husband too and I want everything to be alright and it's not. I feel pathetic for wanting him.

We are going to see a relate counselor tonight for an initial session. I think I would like some individual councelling first before/if we do it together.

I need to speak to my boss today and am unsure about what to tell him, not because I am ashamed but because I don't want to seem unprofessional. My work is with vulnerable young people and thier emotional wellbeing, I am not in a space where I can do what I need to properly this week and it would not be fair on the children I work with. My boss is my supervisor so I am pretty sure he will agree. Have made a docs app to get signed off for the week. I need to get my head straight.

I really want to see a road through this. There are so many painful things. But for me everything is coming back to trust.

I might get flamed but I’m on my own with 4 kids right now and I do pop out to the shop at the end of my road if I desperately need something- I make sure they’re asleep and go as quick as I can. What else can i do? I’ve got teething twins and if we run out of calpol, or if we need milk for breakfast and I didn’t realise, there’s only me to get it. I know nothings going to happen to me going to the corner shop. Your kids will be ok if you duck out to let the dog pee.

This is all very raw for you op. I do feel for you. The only thing that got me through was going to counselling. I’m still going a year and a half later. It saved my life I think, without wanting to be too dramatic... I was so distressed I couldn’t go half an hour without braking down in tears at one point... I still sometimes randomly feel like that now but the difference is I’ve got the tools to get myself out of it-I can’t recommend it enough.
With re the telling the kids....My then 8 year old found out about my h and my best friend before she had been told. She knew we were splitting up and he moved out. Her dad and his girlfriend didn’t want to tell our or her kids (they were all friends) that they were seeing each other. My youngest knew for months having over heard some bits, being told some bits by kids whose parents were gossiping and through piecing things together herself. It has made her question her relationship with her dad who she feels lied to her and with me (because I also didn’t tell her the truth). I would say from about 8 upwards it’s better to be truthful if age appropriate...lying by omission can come back to bite you.This with the proviso that you have made some decisions about the short to mid term future.its too soon for you to have done that just yet. Don’t be hard on yourself, allow yourself to cry and rage and be sad. All valid reactions.

And you are definitely doing the right thing taking some time off work. I didn’t do this and I ended up failing my probation (it was a new very senior job and I just couldn’t handle it as well as everything at home). I told my boss too late (not that she was that understanding anyway) and losing my job didn’t help me deal with everything else at all!

My husband left in June after suddenly announcing he had been having an affair for over four years. My mum died in January. They were all the family I had.

I had no idea he was having an affair. The deceit is AMAZING. The amount of effort that went into it.

Anyway. This thread isn't about me. The one thing I do know is that several months on, now he is living with OW and her kids, I don't think about him. It's amazing what time can do. I don't give a stuff. Well, some days I do, but not most of the time. And we were together for 25 years.

You will be okay. I know all about crap years, and you will be okay. I've been amazed at how okay I've been. I've discovered things about myself that I had no idea I was capable of. After abandoning my career 17 years ago to have children, I've picked up a bunch of freelance work and I'm feeding my kids and my home is full of love.

I realised soon after he left that my beliefs about my marriage were based on a memory of what my marriage had been like, years ago. Actually the last few years of it weren't doing me any good, though I stuck to my memories and my beliefs doggedly. I tried my damned hardest and he threw it away. It's his loss. I'm his loss. And I don't have to worry and wonder about how he feels about me because he's not worth my time.

And there it is.

Please take time off work. I’ve signed myself off this week but I’m thinking I’ll need next week too. I’ve booked a GP appt for tomorrow.

Dh has been pleading with me to go to joint counselling but I’m not ready yet. I need to process it all first. They are so much further along, firstly having done it anyway and secondly because we are left holding it together for the kids. Today they are all back to school and I am sitting here with a gigantic box of maltesers and just having a well earned rest. How old are yours? Do you get any respite from them at all?

Exhausted, my lot are 6,8 and 10, so I do leave them to get things from the shop or send the eldest to do it, but last night my six year old woke at three and I didn't want her to wake in the middle of the night and panic or be scared. I love that bloody dog too, he's 12 and amazing.

Coffee you sound so strong. Thank you it helps hearing how people get through.