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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has had an affair

477 replies

threeandmeandthedog · 28/10/2017 10:16

2017 has been shit. DH 's dad died, I lost my amazing sister to cancer, which had spread to her brain. I was with her throughout most of her illness and it was really fucking awful. She died in June.
I found out that since July DH had hooked up with an old friend he hadn't seen for decades, they bumped into each other at a social event. They have been for coffees, a few drinks and they have kissed.
I only found out because I looked at his phone as I sensed something was wrong. And I feel awful for looking at his phone. She is married with children and an assistant head teacher at a local school. Her partner doesn't know. Apparently it didn't go further than a handful of meetings, texts and kissing. But it would have carried on if I hadn't found d out. And to me this feels like he has just stamped on our marriage. He says it was nothing to do with me, he just met her again after 20+ years and these feelings came up.
If feelings like that come up surely you just say " I have strong feeling but I am married with 3 D.C. And I love my wife so best we don't contact each other." Apparently not.
We have 3 DC. If we didn't I would kick him out right now. I love him but I don't know where we go from here.
He is sorry, wants to make it work, etc.
I think we had both become distant from each other. But I thought we were also supporting each other.
I work full time and have a long commute, where as his working hours are more flexible and he does pick ups and drops offs for school as all three kids are in primary. So if I did ask him to leave I'd have to see him every day anyway.
I am just so sad and angry and upset. This has been the most awful year anyway, I didn't think it could get worse and now it has. My parents have both died and I was very close to my sister. One thing that was getting me through her death was the thought of our family, who mean everything to me. But he has broken the trust in our relationship and I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Noimbrianfromhull · 30/10/2017 06:14

I couldn't forgive this and certainly not with the fucking awful timing of it. What a bastard.

Fuck him off.

Flowers
thiskittenbarks · 30/10/2017 06:16

Yes he needs to see what life will be like without you and needs to fully understand the gravity of what he has done to you and his family. I wish men would talk more openly about this sort of thing, but of course they won't.

queencerulean · 30/10/2017 06:55

I have no words of wisdom because as you know I’m 9!days since finding out. But I’m here to hand hold. We can get through this

Original poster
threeandmeandthedog · 30/10/2017 07:28

Anyone who has been through this, what should the kids be told? They are 6,8 and 10.
Mummy and Daddy need to spend some time apart at the moment. This isn't your fault, we still love you very much and we always will?

OP posts:
Dozer · 30/10/2017 07:42

They can also be told the truth: dad had another girlfriend for a time, and it’s not OK to do that when you’re married.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 30/10/2017 07:50

I think at 10 and 8 you need to be reasonably clear or there’ll just be a thousand questions. So something along the lines Dozer suggests. Also you don’t want them to feel sorry for him. He needs to own it.

Annoyed5678 · 30/10/2017 08:04

I wouldn't tell them the truth they are too young to understand

Dozer · 30/10/2017 08:09

No, they’re not, and will very likely find out sooner rather than later, and feel angry that they were lied to by omission.

Humpsfor20yards · 30/10/2017 08:14

Flowers op. You are going through it...

I would tell the kids that it is nothing to do with them and they are loved very much.
Daddy has fallen in love with someone else and that's too painful for you to put up with- it's not what married people do- so he's moving out.

I can never understand why people pretend it's mutual.

FluffyWhiteTowels · 30/10/2017 08:17

I agree with daddy thinks he loves someone else as well as mummy. It's the truth. Stop the lies otherwise you will constantly have to keep remembering what you've said and you haven't caused the trauma and upset.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 30/10/2017 08:23

I agree with Annoyed. I wouldn’t tell them the truth just yet.
Age isn’t the issue, it’s the hurt and anxiety it would cause them. The OP had so much to deal with and maybe right now isn’t the right time for her to have to cope with answering questions about her Hs “new girlfriend”. I know I wouldn’t want those sort of discussions.

OP You can have these kind of conversations in a few weeks/days/months. But it’s when you are ready for it.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 30/10/2017 08:26

She doesn’t have to lieHmm. The OP can say he’s moving out as they need to spend some time apart. That’s the truth. Telling the children that their father loves another woman, today, is an awful thing for the OP to have to do and she may not feel up to it at the moment.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 30/10/2017 08:27

He should be telling them not the OP.

Humpsfor20yards · 30/10/2017 08:31

There is hurt and anxiety when parents split up. When it comes as a bolt out the blue especially, the children will want to make sense of it and get 'why'.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 30/10/2017 08:36

Yes they do but they don’t necessarily need to know why, today.

I really do believe threeandme should have control over this.

Humpsfor20yards · 30/10/2017 08:39

Of course, of course, but she specifically asked for advice on what to tell them - that's what some of us think.

Holdtightdontletgo · 30/10/2017 08:39

Don't tell the children daddy has met another woman. They are too young to have to know that. Also what if he begs forgiveness and you stay together? That is too much for them to have to take on board.

My two dc were the ages of your youngest when I split with exh and five years on they still talk about the end of our marriage and how upsetting it was. I still have to reassure them that mummy and daddy loved them but not each other.

1DAD2KIDS · 30/10/2017 08:46

My kids are 2 and 6 (6 months and 4 when my ex ran off with another man). My eldest knows nothing of the affair. All she knows is mummy dosent live with us anymore and she lives 2 hrs drive away because that's were here job is. The kids at the moment are just happy with that explanation and it's the norm for them.

I suppose when she older I may get some more difficult questions. That will be hard. I don't want them to hate or lose respect for their mum but I don't want to lie to them. So I suppose the best way is tell them facts without using emotive terms. Maybe something on the lines of mummy didn't love daddy any more so she decided move away to live with someone else. I don't know it's hard. How do you tell your kids their other parent chose another person over their family? I think that's the best way I can talk to them about it.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 30/10/2017 08:48

I just can’t see how it would be correct to tell two young sc their father has abouther girlfriend and loves her, 2 days after their mum has found out this news.

It’s a ridiculous idea imo and may cause more damage in the long run.

Be gentle with these children. This isn’t Eastenders!

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 30/10/2017 08:49

*dc
*another

Excuse typos.

armaghda · 30/10/2017 08:56

I'd forgotten about the 'Pick MeDance'

OP I am so sorry you are going through this.

hellsbellsmelons · 30/10/2017 09:25

My ExH had to tell my DD at age 10 about our split.
I wanted to be there to make sure he didn't embellish the truth.
He wanted to tell her that we didn't love each other anymore, which was not true.
I had done nothing wrong and still loved him.
So he told her that his feelings had changed towards mummy and that we were separating.
It was nothing to do with her and that we both still loved her and would be there for her.
Then he fucked off to another country and totally screwed us over.
But we survived and flourished.
She was awful for a time but she's a lovely adult now.
She figured out pretty fast what had actually happened.
She asked why her dad was leaving and I asked what she thought.
Her words - 'Well he's cheating on you - it's hardly rocket science!'
They are much more clued up than we give them credit for.

You've done exactly the right thing in telling people.
I kept his dirty secret for a while and it nearly destroyed me.
You will get through this.
You might want to work through it and you might not.
You won't know yet.
Take your time. No knee jerk reactions.
Do this at YOUR pace.

zoomiee · 30/10/2017 09:55

No immediate rush to tell the children- take your time, OP. They will almost definitely have detected a mood between you both, so it’s ok to tell them that you need some time and space apart from each other- encourage them to ask questions and talk about how they feel about it all, but answer in a way that you are comfortable with- again, no rush and take your time.

MerryMarigold · 30/10/2017 10:30

I have 2 9yo and they would both ask loads of questions, but I think it would mostly be on the lines of "Are you getting divorced?" rather than what caused it. I would just go with the 'need some time apart' line for the time being, at least a couple of weeks. You could say Dad has done something which has upset mum a lot and she needs space to think. I think that would be ok. If they ask questions you can just say that it's private. Of course they want to know, but until a final decision is made I wouldn't say anything about an OW. Not least because it is a terrible example to your child and IF OP and her h can fix this, then it is better for them not to know. If they can't and it ends up in divorce then yes, I would tell them the reason or be there whilst he tells them the reason why, but it's too early yet.

exhaustedmumof4 · 30/10/2017 12:13

I found out about my husbands affair when he was in rehab about 2 months ago. I had to tell my 8 old what had happened as she overheard us arguing on the phone. I really wish I hadn’t had to tell her that daddy had another girlfriend. Daddy has upset mummy and we need some time apart will be sufficient at this stage, if the split becomes permanent then more information might be needed.

We are about to start marriage counselling but I don’t hold out much hope. At first he was very remorseful and took full responsibility but already the cracks in that are beginning to show, he definitely thinks I should be starting to get over it by now whereas I am utterly traumatised, it’s on my mind constantly and has fundamentally affected how I view him and how I feel about him. We are separated. It’s the worst thing I’ve ever been through and I just don’t understand how people can be so selfish.