DH has had an affair

[threeandmeandthedog]

2017 has been shit. DH 's dad died, I lost my amazing sister to cancer, which had spread to her brain. I was with her throughout most of her illness and it was really fucking awful. She died in June.
I found out that since July DH had hooked up with an old friend he hadn't seen for decades, they bumped into each other at a social event. They have been for coffees, a few drinks and they have kissed.
I only found out because I looked at his phone as I sensed something was wrong. And I feel awful for looking at his phone. She is married with children and an assistant head teacher at a local school. Her partner doesn't know. Apparently it didn't go further than a handful of meetings, texts and kissing. But it would have carried on if I hadn't found d out. And to me this feels like he has just stamped on our marriage. He says it was nothing to do with me, he just met her again after 20+ years and these feelings came up.
If feelings like that come up surely you just say " I have strong feeling but I am married with 3 D.C. And I love my wife so best we don't contact each other." Apparently not.
We have 3 DC. If we didn't I would kick him out right now. I love him but I don't know where we go from here.
He is sorry, wants to make it work, etc.
I think we had both become distant from each other. But I thought we were also supporting each other.
I work full time and have a long commute, where as his working hours are more flexible and he does pick ups and drops offs for school as all three kids are in primary. So if I did ask him to leave I'd have to see him every day anyway.
I am just so sad and angry and upset. This has been the most awful year anyway, I didn't think it could get worse and now it has. My parents have both died and I was very close to my sister. One thing that was getting me through her death was the thought of our family, who mean everything to me. But he has broken the trust in our relationship and I don't know what to do.

And insist he tells his parents what he’s done and explains to the children why he has to live somewhere else (in an age-appropriate way but one that makes clear he’s at fault). You need to puncture their fantasy life PDQ.

I’d start from him having to move out now. This evening, while you are out. Tomorrow he picks up the kids and tells them and his parents what he’s done.

This evening you tell all your friends.

Tomorrow you tell her husband. Or confront both her and her husband with this last year of your life.

Then everyone is on the same page and everyone knows everything. From there everyone can work out what they want.

Secrets of this kind are toxic. The only way to get rid of the poison is to tell all those affected so her, her husband, your PIL and something for the kids.

And you need support so tell anyone you want.

Then see a lawyer and work out what would happen if you divorced him. Get as much done as possible while you are angry.

I would really encourage you to share this with someone in RL OP. You have too much on your plate to keep marching on without confiding in someone. Even if it is a mutual friend. He should be outed and let the shame of what he has done really hit him.
He sounds like he’s in some delusional world of fantasy and I think you should deliver him a taste of reality.
Sending you hugs, it really is a horrible, heart broken place to be without dealing with the mountain of grief you have for your sister.
💕

How can I ever know if this won't happen again? Every time his phone goes will it be her or someone else? - fuck that.

Take control. He is only trying to say the right things - but he isn't, really. He is still thinking of his own side - he 'loves' two women? Stop doing the 'pick me dance' and chuck him out until he decides.

And even then - YOU decide if you want him back.

Only take him back if he is GOOD ENOUGH for you. Not half good enough.

Also where was he when you were going through all of your family bereavement?
Instead of supporting you and being there when a husband should be, he was away falling in love with another woman.
He sounds like the most self absorbed TWAT of a partner.
You are worth so so so much more than what he has given you. Please do not put up with this ‘I’m in love with 2 women’ drivel.
What would your sister be saying to you now?
Please OP give your partner the treatment he deserves and put a stop to his behaviour now.

Time and Space apart

He's defensive mmm I'd be inclined to tell him to fuck off.

Don't do the pick me dance. You'll lose respect for yourself.

You’d have thought that even if he didn’t say to himself “I love my wife I couldn’t do this to her”, he could have at least said “my wife has just lost her father and sister I can’t be that much of a shit”.

Make clear to everyone the context of his affair - instead of supporting you through real trauma he was pursuing a teenage crush.

And remember you (and your DC) are the prize here. He’s a lying cheating twunt and so is his largely imaginary because he barely knows her “other love”. He fights for you, not the other way round. Nothing else is good enough for you.

I’m wondering why he’s so concerned the husband doesn’t find out, and I’d imagine it’s purely because he doesn’t want OW to be angry with him. If he had ever given a shit about the husband he wouldn’t have done it.

My love you are in denial and the bargaining stages of grief. I was there 2 months ago. It’s horrific.

You must take action. Maybe your marriage is salvageable, maybe not. But he does NOT get to call the shots right now. You need to kick him out, tell the OW husband (he has a right to know who he is married to) and get real life support: your family and friends need to know what you are going through. See a solicitor immediately. Scream, cry, grieve, see a therapist. Let the dust settle and then you can take stock of your marriage.

Unfortunately all I have got from your updates is that fact that he is more worried about looking bad to other people and protecting ow (by not telling her dh) than coming clean and fixing things with you.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you :(

First of all, i’d ask him to move out, even temporarily. If he loves this woman he should fuck the fuck off and try his chances with her. He’s romanticizing this other woman who he never sees looking like shit in the morning or having a strop over the bins not being emptied.

Tell people. The stress of putting on a good face will sap your energy. He’s not been unfaithful because of you, but because there is something wrong with him. Infidelity is never the dignified option. I found with my husband, that it gave him a pretty big wake up call. I didn’t tell if you single person in my life or posted on Facebook or whatever, but I did tell some people, including people who are mutual friends and everyone made it clear that he thought he was a twat who had treated me like shit.

Tell this woman’s husband. He deserves to know. Not because you want to drop him in it but because, believe me, there is nothing worse than feeling like you have been kept in the dark. His marriage is a lie...he just doesn’t know it. I still wonder if I have friends out there who saw my husband with his other woman and felt they shouldn’t tell me. It all could’ve been nipped in the bud sooner.

In the first couple of weeks after I found out about my husband’s affair, he definitely was a bit in denial about how wrong what he had done was. He had been justifying it to himself through the whole affair.

I’m not saying you should give him another chance, or want to try again. Of course you would be perfectly justified in kicking him out on his ear. But this’ I’m in love with two women‘ shit has got to stop. He’s in love with romantic idea that doesn’t even exist.

Harness that anger from your last post. How dare he say those things, and shift the responsibility to you, and stay in bed all day?

I found out my STBXH was cheating just before Christmas last year. I asked him to leave so I could have some space (cue lots of but... Christmas and but... what will this do to MIL?) and the way he behaved the next week or so was so telling - manipulative and threatening and nasty - that my decision became clear.

Tell people - you need your friends at this time. Like you I have no parents or siblings around so my friends are my family. Let people help with the DC etc. You can do this.

Hi

I am so sorry this has happened to you; good advice here

Just to say: your post, along with your usernname and the fact you have a detailed posting history makes you quite identifiable if someone on here knew you. It may be that you don't care about that (you've done nothing wrong), but just something to think about.

So much loss and grief.
You deserve to be loved and cossetted, not exposed to this mid-life crisis..sneaking around, looking at each other longingly over their lattes!! Whilst you were tending to your dying sister, dealing with her loss. Can people not surmount their pathetic crushes and act like f*ing adults never mind just being decent human beings.

So sorry you are going through this OP

I'm tempted to go with wally's suggestion. I hid my exh affair and it was prob the worst decision I made. I then spent 3 years trying to fix it, but it broke us

OP what a hard time you have had. Please do tell people and take their support.

You need support, you need to tell people what he's done.

He isn't trying to mend your marriage, he's guilt-tripping you to protect OW. Not only is he putting her first, he's manipulating you to protect her reputation ahead of your own wellbeing.

I think I’ve changed my opinion now then, you need to tell him to leave. What an absolute cunt he is. How does he think his marriage will work when he’s told you he loves her. I’m so sorry for all you’re going through.

Hey OP, I thought I was pretty unique, my H actually wrote the songs and recorded and sang on them in our house. Nice eh!! Found it all by accident, although I am told it was one sided and she knew nothing at all. All I can say is tell him to do one. I didn’t and 11 months later whilst he is surpassing himself in running rings to keep me sweet, the trust to be honest has vanished somewhat. I remember something weird he said as well about it being possible to love 2 people at same time just in general conversation. It takes years to come back from this kind of deceit, are you up to that?

hve namechanged as my poster histoery (very boring poster history) goes back 9 years and makes me veryidentifiable in RL. Not that I know who is on mumsnet in my RL.
I've asked him to leave. He's going and hes going to tell his mum and brother when they drop the kids off.
How do I tell my three beautiful children that thier dad is a total cunt?
Is there a book for that on Amazon?

And thank you to everyone who is posting, this is really helping me remain dignified,and to remember that I am worth more than this and that my children deserve so much more.

Well done OP. Stay strong, you are amazing.

No book for that but get HIM to tell them. This is not of your doing-time he faces the music. His mistake, his betrayal of the kids. So, he tells them. Be there to make sure you know what he’s saying.

Keep posting...

I don't think you can ever forget how he has made you feel.

And forcing yourself to do so is probably a hiding to nothing.

It's sad and incredibly frustrating but I think you may have to call it quits

I’m pleased he’s out of the house and his dirty secret will no longer be hidden.
I hope you are now receiving plenty of RL support.
Stay strong OP