DH has had an affair

[threeandmeandthedog]

2017 has been shit. DH 's dad died, I lost my amazing sister to cancer, which had spread to her brain. I was with her throughout most of her illness and it was really fucking awful. She died in June.
I found out that since July DH had hooked up with an old friend he hadn't seen for decades, they bumped into each other at a social event. They have been for coffees, a few drinks and they have kissed.
I only found out because I looked at his phone as I sensed something was wrong. And I feel awful for looking at his phone. She is married with children and an assistant head teacher at a local school. Her partner doesn't know. Apparently it didn't go further than a handful of meetings, texts and kissing. But it would have carried on if I hadn't found d out. And to me this feels like he has just stamped on our marriage. He says it was nothing to do with me, he just met her again after 20+ years and these feelings came up.
If feelings like that come up surely you just say " I have strong feeling but I am married with 3 D.C. And I love my wife so best we don't contact each other." Apparently not.
We have 3 DC. If we didn't I would kick him out right now. I love him but I don't know where we go from here.
He is sorry, wants to make it work, etc.
I think we had both become distant from each other. But I thought we were also supporting each other.
I work full time and have a long commute, where as his working hours are more flexible and he does pick ups and drops offs for school as all three kids are in primary. So if I did ask him to leave I'd have to see him every day anyway.
I am just so sad and angry and upset. This has been the most awful year anyway, I didn't think it could get worse and now it has. My parents have both died and I was very close to my sister. One thing that was getting me through her death was the thought of our family, who mean everything to me. But he has broken the trust in our relationship and I don't know what to do.

Oh no broken you’ve got to look after yourself as best as you can. I totally agree with you about the amnesia. I’ve come away with the 3 youngest dc because I just cannot bear to be near him. I made him take me to the place where he had sex with her, it was literally a lay by at the side of a road, I thought it would have at least been down a quiet side road, and said I wanted to have sex with him. He couldn’t even keep his dick hard, he said it was the pressure, yet he didn’t have that problem fucking her. I just don’t see how I’m ever going to forgive him. He should be begging me to come home, telling me how much he misses me. All I get is it’s my decision to stay!! I can’t stand him!!! What I don’t get is how they can suddenly say their feelings changed. They were happy to carry on when they could see how desperate we were.

Broken, I wonder exactly the same thing about how could he carry on when he saw how much pain I was in. My H said yesterday that he is sorry that he hurt me. While I believe him, I then recall when he'd seen a woman on facebook and texted his male friend who knows her - asking for him to arrange to meet her. I was so upset, hurt and devastated at the thought of him planning to cheat. He told me so sincerely how sorry he was and that he needed to change his attitude. But all that time, he was of f&ing the other woman and just continued on doing it. I can't process how you could say that so sincerely about one woman and then go right screwing someone else. And so I can't move on from it without understanding it. I wake up with a churning in my stomach and wonder for a second what it is, then recall 'oh yes, this is my broken world now'.

What, I am not so much angry. Just hurt to my core and devastated.

Hi all, just popping in quickly to catch up. I am so relieved to see the back of 2017. I know it doesn’t really mean anything in the grand scheme of things but just having the festive period over is a relief.

We’ve spent a lot of time together over the past 2 weeks. Some of it has been amazing and I’ve teally imagined a better future. But then as usual there’ll be a trigger and I come full circle again.

shellster I’m 10 weeks in. I’m slowly beginning to stop thinking about her so much as it’s eating me up. But I’m not ready to forgive yet. Not sure whether I ever will be.
broken look after yourself. The 1/2 stone I lost in 2 days is well and truly back on!

Well done for getting through this time of year. I've found it super hard. Total swinging emotions and an over ridding dark mood has taken its toll.
We had a quiet new year that ended up in an awful argument as midnight struck, I told
Him it was over and he didn't get how I feel. He claimed he does and wants it to work. I have told him what I need from him. If he can't do that then There's no point. He claims he can. But he hasn't so far.
Queen the stone I lost is back!! I am looking after myself and putting me first and that's the sea change. I feel in control. But still my mind swings between hope and despair. But I know what I want and have made it clear. Most of it is happening. But there is still a but. And because I have a sense of clarity I feel maybe I am asking for something beyond what our relationship has ever been. I feel I need more for myself. So maybe there will be change or maybe there won't but I feel I have drawn a line and I will stick to it.
This all sucks but I hope we can all be happy in ourselves in 2018. X

I posted originally but not in a while as not much useful advice to offer, however just want to say I think you're doing amazingly well & wish you all the best for 2018

Forgive me say OP but by letting him move back in are you not already making a decision to move on with him?

Oh three mead the dog I am you a couple of weeks later. Found out three weeks ago. Same story but not sure it's all. Drip feeding me.

theweeeitch, I agree, we are all amazing. It is the most horrid situation to get through.

Just checking in to say keep on keeping on. Today is my first day at work after being signed off for two weeks before Christmas.

I started counselling just before Christmas and tomorrow is my third session, my H is also starting his on Thursday.

I swing from dispair to numbness, from love to hate, from sadness to indifference. And the anger... oh my God, the anger is so huge sometimes that I feel like exploding. I will try some advice I found on another forum (surviving infidelity) and start taking long drives where I can shout and cry and just be crazy.

I have also joined the gym and that should help also. Eating is still a struggle, I tend to eat better when we are together, I guess having him under my direct surveillance helps with the anxiety, now being back at work doesn't help.

Since Christmas we've spent lots of cash on a new wardrobe for me, I dropped so many sizes that I had to buy new clothes. My H also realised that it puts me in a good mood for a couple of hours (hahaha shopping therapy, I wish the effects would last longer) so he is happy to take me shopping, probably just to shut me up. He says he could buy me a whole store of clothes just to see me smile...

I feel beautiful and confident with outsiders but no self worth when it comes to him. Strange as he is complimenting me but it is like I cannot hear him. I feel unattractive for him, not worth anything... I am very self conscious and I cannot have a bad hair day or be in pjs around the house in front of him. I know it sounds stupidly vain, I was never like that but since finding out I feel really down and vulnerable to show myself completely to him... this is the man who saw me giving birth, I hate him for making me feel so insecure.

It's horrible Broken, I really feel for you.

Queen, my mum went through it a long time ago & seeing the strength it took for her to just get through each day, I really am in awe of you all. What these people do is horrendous & selfish & everything in between.

for everyone going through this. Here's to a much happier & peaceful 2018!

How’s it going OP?

April, yes I have made the decision to try.
TBH at the moment I am totally overwhelmed by everything, grief for my dsis, grief for our relationship, work, all of it. Have been to the Dr and have an appointment in 3 weeks over the phone to assess me for 1:1 counseling, waiting list 9 months. It's just a lonely place to be and am finding it hard to focus on the positives. I am usually up beat and pro active, but I feel lost and very alone right now. It's that sense of actually being alone, having no close family to fall back on. DH was the one I thought would always be there and he wasn't. And as much as I want it to work , as a lot of posters have said, I am not sure under what circumstances it is ever possible to rebuild that trust and sense of safety. Even with a lot of effort. And aside from the infidelity, grief is so lonely and isolating, before the affair even happened I felt very alone in my loss and that hasn't changed.

OP this all just sounds totally shit. I’m so sorry you are going through it. Perhaps, (and this is a tall order) you could try and have some time off work - compassionate leave an option? A quiet chat with your line manager referencing a persaonl problem that needs dealing with?
Take a day or two with all the kids out of the house to try an organise your thoughts and a few next steps around the following:

1. What resources you do have that could make your life easier during a totally shit time? Friends / neighbours / work colleagues / money to get in a cleaner, anything that will help ease the burden while everything else is taking up your energy / thinking time. Use the time you can create through help from the above to take time for yourself, walk, grieve, run, spend time with a friend whatever might help.

2. Counselling. It’s rubbish that this will take so long, 9 freaking months - after what you have been through! In the meantime do you have a friend you can talk to? Are there some bereavement groups you could join? local meetings, helplines, chat forums - there is one on here. NO ONE will understand your loss more than these people and they will be able to listen and suggest things that helped them.

3. your commute to work could allow some time to listen to some podcasts there are loads on well being, bereavement, and mindfulness and helping to focus your mind when you feel overwhelmed.

Finally, your husband. Whatever happens he will need to continue to do support the children. It’s tempting for all of us on here to say LTB, what he’s done after what you have been through is shit, but the reality is that this probably isn’t the best time to make big decisions. Perhaps the best you can do for now is press pause on the relationship and suggest a break - could he stay somewhere local While you have some time out and thinking time and decide what you want to do?

I know you have lost a lot, but you have your children - that will not change, maybe take some time out with them to enjoy that relationship and just do something great that gives you all a break from thinking of all the crazy things happening for you at the moment...it’s the most significant relationship in your life and the one that is still a huge part of who you are so focus on what you get from that as an anchor and stability and make a really meaningful part of your life.

Then, maybe when time and head space allows think about where you are long term with DH - only you can decide if you can get over what happened, but it might be hard to be sure now if your decision is impacted by your lost - a conversation to have with the counsellor in a few months perhaps?

Try and think of some small steps forward you can achieve to make your situation better. You might feel lost now (and who wouldn’t) but where is the most positive place you could be in the next fortnight, and what are the starting steps to get to that place?

Thanks April, some really helpful suggestions. Have take. So much compassionate leave this year I can't take more. I may be changing roles later in the year, if this goes ahead I will have the chance to take some time in the summer, maybe 2 or 3 months, so that's something.

I have a good support network but don't want to take up everyone's time with my worries. I speak to my best friend weekly, she is abroad but a great help and a good listener.

I had councelling from Cruise and tbh it wasn't that helpful. My background is psychology and I am doing a lot of CBT and mindful techniques to help myself.

At the moment even time with the kids is hard. They are still off school and the noise and mess is getti
G on top of me. I'm just finding it hard to appreciate anything, even time with the people I love the most. I'm tired, unhappy and short tempered and am really trying hard not to be.

H and I are having councelling together but don't have another session for a while. I just need him to be there for me at the moment. Which he is, but at the same time I don't want him there! My feelings are very contradictory.

So counseling would help to unpick things and separate issues. Hopefully the wait won't be too long. I am doing nice things, appreciating moments of happiness in the moment, getting out and about, I just feel so miserable inside and like crying all the time. Swinging moods are exhausting and I just wish there could be some positive change. I know it will come it's just hard.

I also really
Like the idea about using the commute to work to listen to some positive podcasts, good idea

:)

Some of the stuff you have listed here are really positive the best friend and the possibility of some time off and the job change if it’s a good one. Is wfh home a day a week an option? Don5 feel bad for not appreciating the kids at the mo - everyone is counting down the days to term time. Maybe DH can take them out at the weekend so you can find a cleaner and have some quiet time. Take it easy, positive change will come and you’re doing amazing.

Sorry you and other posters are having a hard time. Is there any way you can afford to try private counselling from someone BACP qualified? It might be helpful and cheaper in the long run than separation or problems at work. So much has happened professional help might be good.

Hey threedog, sending you a hug as you sound in a really low place. Not surprising of course with everything that has happened. april has made some great suggestions.
Our counsellor suggested that I need to take time out to look after myself and try some mindfulness techniques. It has been helping a bit as I generally feel calmer.

Hope everyone else is doing ok.

Three hope you are feeling better. It seems we’re all following the same path with our emotions so it’s good to know that what we are feeling is completely natural and we’re not going bonkers. Counselling for us has been good. I always come away feeling quite positive and I realise the OW and OM are actually very insignificant in mine and H’s marriage, they were just bumps in the road. That lasts for about 3 hours then I hate her and H again. I’ve told him though that I am not making a decision about our future anytime soon but if he wants me he had better fight tooth and nail for me. I still do it a bit now but not as much, but I would be telling him how much I hated him and that we were finished to a few hours later telling him how much I loved him and couldn’t have a future without him. So I’m trying desperately (as we all are) to try and keep on an emotional level playing field which is easier said than done.

Big hugs to everyone, stay strong xx

How are you doing OP?

Hey, was just wondering how everyone is getting on? Hopefully you’re all in a better place now xxx

Not really. It seems to get harder as time goes on. It doesn’t matter how much of the perfect husband he seems to be now, he didn’t care about me when he was fucking around with some over woman. At the moment I feel like I’m only with him for the kids.

Hey whatdoido, it’s still hard isn’t it.
Some days I wonder whether I’m here just for the kids and now he’s moved back in sometimes I panic and feel trapped because the only way out is creating a huge shitstorm for them.

Other days I feel something nearing happiness. I’m just hoping those days get more frequent and the shit days less. I still cry at least once a week and I mean proper sobbing when I still feel utterly bereft.

I’ve kind of decided I’ll stay till Easter and review then. It’ll be 18 months by then and I think if I’m still feeling like this I owe it to myself to go. I don’t want to walk away and regret it. Although I don’t want to stay for the kids and once they’ve left Home regret that I’ve stayed. I’m not desperately unhappy and I think this is as good as it’s going to get st the moment. Sometimes I romanticise the leaving bit but I know realistically that it’ll be harder than it is now because I’ll have the kids grief to deal with. It’s not like you walk away and are suddenly free and recovered.

So I’ve accepted it’s happened, I’ve grieved for the marriage and husband I thought I had. I’ve come to terms that he did a really bad thing but is not necessarily a bad person. I can’t quite forgive yet though. And I don’t think I will ever forget.