Have had a chance to sit and read this thread properly. Kids are in bed and he has gone.
every single post has helped me thank you.
Wallywobbles, what you said about secrets of this kind being toxic is true. I am not keeping this to myself. I will protect my children from it but I will share it with whom I chose, and if people judge him as a total cunt for doing this, that's because he is.
I don't want to tell the OW's husband, I have no idea who he is or how to contact him and her social media settings are really tight. I feel for him too, as his spineless shit of a partner is living a lie too. I also feel like I need to be dignified, for my own sense of self. I feel her and 'H''s actions are selfish and pathetic beyond belief. I don't think I even have words to say to her at this time, but my feelings seem to be changing by the second.
I woke up at 6 am drained and upset, he did take the initiative (at fucking last) and made tea and we talked. I explained why he had to tell his mum and brother and that I would be telling my friends as I need them right now. I asked him to move out for the next few days as I need some space and I need the dust to settle and get some clarity. I also need to see what he does and how he approaches this.
It has not been helpful that our conversations have generally happened when the kids are in bed and have involved a glass of wine. I have said we need to do this in time that is ringfenced and sober and when the kids are not around.
My friends have been lovely, all of them saw I was sad and looking pretty fucking shit last night. Each one texted today to see what was up as I had brushed it off last night and said I was ill and had had a shit week. I left H with the kids this afternoon so he could spend time with them before he left. The gravity of this has hit him. I sat and chatted to two friends separately and it made a huge difference being able to talk and cry and get some perspective. I feel a lot calmer now.
I took the kids off this morning and he sat and told his mother and brother and said he will tell his other brother tonight. I want his family to know what he's done. I want him to feel ashamed as he speaks those words.
I don't know what I want right now. I do love him. But our marriage was about our moral code too and I without trust I can't see there being a future. But I need time. He has arranged relationship counselling, which I feel might be helpful regardless of the resolution of it. I feel like I would like a witness to this. I am wary of the element to this that does apportion blame. I strongly feel there is no excuse to infidelity and the problems in our marriage did not make him go out and be unfaithful. He did that.
Unlike him, before I make any decisions about the future, I need to stop and think. I also need to be clear in my thinking if I decide we can't move forward because we will have to tell this to our three children. At the moment we have told them he has to go and help his elderly mother out with some house stuff (more lies) for a few days.
I have rung my boss, who is lovely and explained that I have had some shocking news, and given that, on top of the grief for my sister, I feel I need to take Monday and Tuesday off for my own mental health and well being.
I am going to take kids to school, go swimming and do some thinking and probably some crying and drink a lot of coffee. I feel really flat, sad, odd, angry...