DH has had an affair

[threeandmeandthedog]

2017 has been shit. DH 's dad died, I lost my amazing sister to cancer, which had spread to her brain. I was with her throughout most of her illness and it was really fucking awful. She died in June.
I found out that since July DH had hooked up with an old friend he hadn't seen for decades, they bumped into each other at a social event. They have been for coffees, a few drinks and they have kissed.
I only found out because I looked at his phone as I sensed something was wrong. And I feel awful for looking at his phone. She is married with children and an assistant head teacher at a local school. Her partner doesn't know. Apparently it didn't go further than a handful of meetings, texts and kissing. But it would have carried on if I hadn't found d out. And to me this feels like he has just stamped on our marriage. He says it was nothing to do with me, he just met her again after 20+ years and these feelings came up.
If feelings like that come up surely you just say " I have strong feeling but I am married with 3 D.C. And I love my wife so best we don't contact each other." Apparently not.
We have 3 DC. If we didn't I would kick him out right now. I love him but I don't know where we go from here.
He is sorry, wants to make it work, etc.
I think we had both become distant from each other. But I thought we were also supporting each other.
I work full time and have a long commute, where as his working hours are more flexible and he does pick ups and drops offs for school as all three kids are in primary. So if I did ask him to leave I'd have to see him every day anyway.
I am just so sad and angry and upset. This has been the most awful year anyway, I didn't think it could get worse and now it has. My parents have both died and I was very close to my sister. One thing that was getting me through her death was the thought of our family, who mean everything to me. But he has broken the trust in our relationship and I don't know what to do.

Re: the kids. I just don't know. I want there to be truth but my youngest is only 6. I want us to be 100% certain before we say anything.

Queen I need to get signed off, I can't cope.

You posts are helpful, it's shit we are going through the same thing.

So I am sat in the car outside the swimming pool because I thought I would try to go for a swing but I am crying too Much to get out the car and I have parked really badly.

On the plus side my really
Nice black skinny
Jeans are fitting nicely.

3andme I am sorry it is so painful.

I had some bad stuff happening around the time I found out my ex had affair. And a wise friend said that I had experienced loss after loss after loss. And so have you. It is so tough

With regard to your children the usual guidance is to be totally honest with them but to tell them what is age appropriate. Mine were too young to tell detail. My brain has actually blocked what we did tell them but it was around that we were not getting on and daddy was going to live in a different place. And they would see him often etc etc. They did ask often why we split as they couldn't understand it. I And I assured them that it was an adult thing that was hard for them to understand but I would tell them when they were older and could understand.

And I did recently as it came up again -and they were very very shocked. But I did fulfil what I promised.

It is a hard situation . I would also recommend counselling for yourself before marriage counselling. If he isn't totally repentant and taking full responsibility there is no hope.

And I learnt a few things in counselling to pass on. 1) The children are half him -you have to accept that longer term. So keep that in mind
2) The children will always love him and have him as their father. So you need to act with that in mind too. I was told by some wise people to take the high road - ie bahave as well as I could through it all and I have. I have never contacted OW even though I knew her. And I have been polite to him generally. And another good piece of advice is if you split permanently you arent a romantic partner any more -but you are still partners in the business of raising your children -so you need to continue that relationship in order to benefit them

three I would talk to the kids about the dog. And say I need to take the dog out sometimes in the night - s/he needs a wee. So I might go out for 10 minutes. But I will come back shortly so dont worry. Turn on your light and wait for me and Ill be there.

Hope that helps

The night thing is so weird as you are suddenly there on your own. Tough again. I made it a habit to chat to a friend or relative every nigh for a while to feel less alone

My counsellor treated me in the same way she said she would work with someone suffering with post traumatic stress disorder. What has happened to you op is an acute emotional trauma, and you need to treat yourself accordingly. You are doing well to get up, get the kids fed and to school. I think you would be going some to get yourself into a swimming pool or anything else just now really.some people can, some people can’t, there is no one way to deal with this sort of thing.

I’m so, so sorry this has happened to you OP. 💐

Please don’t feel pathetic. Of course you are going to cry. You are not a machine. You love him and he has betrayed you in the most terrible way and completely let you down when you needed him most. It would be worrying if you didn’t react with utter horror.

But even in the midst of all that horror, you sound dignified, clear sighted and like you have a strong sense of your own worth. That’s what’s going to get you through.

You have your beautiful children.
You have your career, and what sounds like a good boss.
You have great friends who will hold your hand.
Although your loss in your sister must be unbearable (I am so sorry, and cannot imagine your pain) it sounds like you have the memory of a strong loving family who have left you with an inner voice that tells you what you are worth. Keep listening to it.

You are going to be fine OP. You really, really are. 💐 In the meantime don’t keep any secrets for him (although you are the best judge of what the DC should know), lean on your friends, accept any support they offer. And just be kind to yourself.

Similar ages-mine are 6, 10 and 12. He panicked after he told me and then told them he’d been having an affair so I had no choice but to explain it to them. Utterly heartbreaking.

Great post CoffeeCrisis.

I am going to meet him in a hour. I swing between anger and total fear for the future. I need to keep strong and do this on my terms, I need to do this for my children.
I managed a short swim and it did clear head. Can't bear to be at home alone in the day so am not sat in a coffee shop writing my thoughts down of what to say to him.

Do men just think totally differently to women? Is it that simple?
I have been with this man for nearly 12 years, I thought he was the love of my life. Well he's not now.

You know in lots of ways the loss of my sister has allowed me to reflect on what I do have and what is important to me and my little family. So at least I am clear about that.

Stormigel your post really resonates, this feels like trauma. Apart from the person who has helped me through this in the past is n't there. He caused it.

I found writing down our conversations (bulletin them as we had then sometimes) really helpful as my head was all over the place, also he changed his story over the weeks and claimed I had 'misunderstood'... uh no... remember those notes I took?

My brothers son was apparently told ‘daddy left’ which is factually correct I suppose. However he left because one of them had to. It wasn’t the reason the marraige ended it was the result of the marraige ending. If you don’t want to be completely honest with them, I think there is always middle ground based on maturity and age. They may all come back to you when they have processed it with their own questions.

💐💐💐 for you. You will come out stronger. Good luck lovely

Sorry, my screen froze and when I posted it gave a gazillion more posts. I was trying to reply about telling the kids 🍰💐

MerryMarigold I think what you said sounds ok, 'Daddy had done something that has upset Mummy a lot and we need some time apart' . It's so fucking hideous. I don't want them to lie. But I don't know what will happen and I want them to love thier Dad. This is not thier fault, it's important thier relationship with him is good. I will think on.

Pogmella I have written him a letter because during our conversations I really struggle to compose
Myself and swing from anger to sadness and it's really bloody hard. I might read it or give it to him. God it sounds so trite!
Spoke to my boss, he was lovely, he will check in with me o. Friday and wants me to take my time.

I'm so, so sorry.

Your DH has been an utterly selfish cunt.

Look after yourself .

I had to write everything down.
Nothing wrong with that at all.
I will admit, I didn't have MN back in the day so completely broke down in a crumbling mess on the floor the 1st time I saw him after I found out.
Try to stay strong but if you need to cry then bloody do it.
He can sod off if it makes him uncomfortable.

Yes I do believe men are wired differently to most women.

Hope it goes ok op

What an absolute arsehole! He loves two people equates to he wants his cake and eat it.
You need to take your time and be certain what YOU want.

OP, I am so sorry to hear of everything you are going through - under the circumstances I think you are doing amazinglt.

I can only echo what others have said - give yourself time to think about what you want and what is right for you and your DC. You don't need to decide anything right now, and I wouldn't be telling the DC anything detailed at the moment. This should by your H's job but if he's not around and they ask you, I'd just say that daddy has had to go away for a few days.

I don't have children but my mum was a teacher and she said even the youngs ones can be remarkably intuitive when stuff like this happens - families where there's just a lone parent / step parents / new man / new woman are so common. They often twig something is going on becuase it isn't unusual for them.

Sending big internet weirdy hugs x

Thanks everyone for your words.
I have just hit a wall.
Am so exhausted. I need my anger back.

Did you meet him OP? Was it helpful at all?

You really don't have to make any decisions now. Just wanted to agree that kids are super adaptable and hear all sorts at school. My dd when 6 was chatting about her best friend and threw in her mum and dad had just split up because he was sneaking out in the middle of the night to see someone else, don't think the mum had any idea dd knew this. They were both pretty matter of fact about it. Take your time and work out what is best for you.