DH has had an affair

[threeandmeandthedog]

2017 has been shit. DH 's dad died, I lost my amazing sister to cancer, which had spread to her brain. I was with her throughout most of her illness and it was really fucking awful. She died in June.
I found out that since July DH had hooked up with an old friend he hadn't seen for decades, they bumped into each other at a social event. They have been for coffees, a few drinks and they have kissed.
I only found out because I looked at his phone as I sensed something was wrong. And I feel awful for looking at his phone. She is married with children and an assistant head teacher at a local school. Her partner doesn't know. Apparently it didn't go further than a handful of meetings, texts and kissing. But it would have carried on if I hadn't found d out. And to me this feels like he has just stamped on our marriage. He says it was nothing to do with me, he just met her again after 20+ years and these feelings came up.
If feelings like that come up surely you just say " I have strong feeling but I am married with 3 D.C. And I love my wife so best we don't contact each other." Apparently not.
We have 3 DC. If we didn't I would kick him out right now. I love him but I don't know where we go from here.
He is sorry, wants to make it work, etc.
I think we had both become distant from each other. But I thought we were also supporting each other.
I work full time and have a long commute, where as his working hours are more flexible and he does pick ups and drops offs for school as all three kids are in primary. So if I did ask him to leave I'd have to see him every day anyway.
I am just so sad and angry and upset. This has been the most awful year anyway, I didn't think it could get worse and now it has. My parents have both died and I was very close to my sister. One thing that was getting me through her death was the thought of our family, who mean everything to me. But he has broken the trust in our relationship and I don't know what to do.

Whatdoido I felt like that after an IC session because it empowered me. I felt really flat afterwards too. I told all this to H and this is when we had a very long and hard conversation. But I stewed about for three days before we talked as I wasn't ready to share my thoughts. A lot of what o said was about feeling valued and wanting to come first, before work and hobbies. And being valued as me, not as a wife or mother, but for who I am.

The thing is Three I’ve beem saying this to him for weeks. He was upset when we came out I wasn’t because I hadn’t said anything different. I suppose I’m just glad that I know I’m not being out of order. She asked him didn’t he think he’d better start fighting for me because otherwise it’ll probably be the end of the marriage. He didn’t say anything. I think I’m just fed up and exhausted physically and mentally, I’ve has enough xx

It sounds like he's doing nowhere near enough to show you he's sorry and try to make it up to you. What do you want to happen now?

I don’t know I feel myself pulling away from him. He’s supposed to have a band practice tonight, he told me on Monday that he had to go. Then after I’d kicked off at counselling last night he said he wouldn’t go. He doesn’t understand that the damage is done when he puts something else above me. I’ve told him to go to rehearsal and I don’t want him near me but of course I’m the one being unreasonable.

Well he’s gone to his rehearsal. I’ve been all night running the kids round to their activities and the house is a shot hole. He’s done absolutely nothing to tidy up before he went. So my “alone” time tonight is cleaning - he’s so selfish

Whatdoido, my husbands hobby is the same and I have never resented it ever. But now it makes me insane that he can even think about practicing and rehearsing and gigging when I have put my whole life on hold.

It's about priorities. What is more important? You shouldn't have to spell it out.

Exactly Three, how in their right minds do they think it’s acceptable. I said to the counsellor that he’d done 2 gigs since I found out - that’s when she said about the priorities. He doesn’t see it though. I cannot stand him he’s making me so angry. Have you been like this, what if I never stop feeling like this. There’s no future for us.

I have very much felt like this. With the music he just doesn't see it as it's such a big part of his life. But feel the councelling has helped and he has listened and scaled things back. It's hard. I don't really have much sage advice!

H is an absolute dick. He has a big gig on Saturday and he said he’d get a hotel room so I could go, I was going to book it last week he said no he’d do it. He finally booked it last night this was after I went mad in the counselling session saying he hadn’t even booked it. I’ve told him since Monday that I don’t know if I want to come anymore and tonight he’s come in badgering me about whether I was going or not. I said I didn’t know and he’s just said that if I don’t go he doesn’t know how he’ll comeback from it as I’m just playing games. WTF!!!!! I’ve told him, the counsellor has told him that no games are being playedit’s how my emotions are at the moment. He is an absolute selfish prick and I can’t stand him at the moment

Oh What, it's so flippin difficult, especially if he's not getting that actually your feelings are up and down and quite rightly so. Some form of support and commitment from him would probably help you feel better too and it sounds like he doesn't get it. Maybe it's worth going just for a night away without kids. But I guess if he's gigging it's not going to be about spending time together. Maybe look at is as a date to watch him play and just see what you feel? Or enjoy the space at home and do something nice for you that evening. Put you first though. Start thinking about what you want and need and tell him that that's what your doing.
My counselor made a point about saying that you have to articulate what you want and not expect them
To get it without explicit instructions. I'm not sure I entirely go along with her on that, because I think it's bloody obvious, especially after an affair. But maybe she's right, if you communicate clearly and you are still not getting your needs met then I guess it makes decision making clearer I.e. Things aren't going to change on his part so it's up to you to make the choices that are about you and your future.

Thanks Three, I have articulated to him exact what I need and he’s not changing so he is making my decision easier. He’s going to have to do something pretty spectacular to help make me change my mind. I normally get a feeling when I’ve not spoken to him for a day or two that I need to be near him just not for that at the moment xx

Hey What. My H spends all his spare time with friends working on their cars, so I guess that correlates to your H dedicating his time to his gigs. Do you genuinely think about living alone with you and the kids and see it as a better alternative? I personally think about living alone with me and the kids and it scares the crap out of me. I see nice looking guys out and about, and I visualise being with them and them treating me good and putting me first. But it just makes me want to cry. He's not the father of my children and it's just not what my vision is to want to end my marriage. So then I think well the only alternative is to forgive him for the affair and be able to work on the issues in our marriage that led to him wanting to have an affair in the first place. Some days it works and I feel positive, but then today I just completely break down and feel so much hurt and pain and don't know how I'll ever get past it.

Shellster im so sorry you’re having a bad day. I’m probably not the best at the moment to give positive advice because I’ve been on a downer for nearly a week now. Yes I can see myself living alone with the kids. If I can’t forgive and forget there’s no way I am going to stay in this marriage. I keep thinking I need to stay for the kids but I’ve decided I have to live life for me, because In the future they’ll be off doing their own things and where will that leave me? It’s not what I want if my marriage can work that’s the ideal situation because I do love H but I’m also not going to just “settle” for a marriage it has to be happy.

We’ve had a bad week! He’s just not getting it. I’ve even shouted at him this afternoon, I told him that he was more than happy to make another woman feel ultra special, spent all his spare time thinking about her,
Making her feel amazing. Yet for the sake of his wife he can’t do anything. I told him that if I was in his situation and I knew that my wide was threatening to leave and it wasn’t empty threats, I’d be shitting myself and desperate to show her how much I lived and wanted her. It’ll all fall on deaf ears.

Shitty situation of course, but... First of all, and remember that for future, your husband/partner/boyfriend does not ever seeing ex-girlfriends! You can trust him as much as you want, but things happen and feelings coming back and kissing (and more) coming. Even if he loves you, it can happen.
Right now, it depends on what do you really want. Think about that. Think about yourself, not children, not marriage, just yourself. Do you want to save these relations or separate? Can you forgive this? But for real...forgive like forgetting about it forever and never have thoughts about it. It's important that feelings which you have now won't be eating you from inside later because now you'll block them for sake of marriage/family/kids/whatever. It will take time to decide, so I would advise next:
You have to make him understand that its not something minor like he stepped on your foot so "sorry" is enough, words are not enough, he has to DO things, not just say. So talk to him first, calmly. No Italian scandal because he will be happy to run away and no tears because he just will feel sorry for you. Thing about your dignity, your self-respect and your love to yourself, and with all these feelings talk to him. Tell how you feel about that, tell that he did hurt you, that you are not cool with such things, and that you want a time to think about and make some decisions. Here conversation finishes. No discussions, no arguments from his side. End.
Put the deadline for thinking(month should be enough) and kick him out, don't worry about where he will go: friend/hotel/hell - not your problem, he will handle it. He has to know that its a big mess up and with you its not allowed like that. As you have kids you will be seeing each other anyway, thats ok - see him, don't abandon him from children, but be cold (!!!), friendly, happy, polite and cold (don't forget to be beautiful;)), you are thinking about important stuff so no hugs, no kisses, no chats. Probably you would like to finish that earlier, but DO NOT! Keep your word and wait a month.
During this month you need to kick him out of your head and this situation, thats difficult, but do as much as possible. Think about your relations, are you happy, do you feel in love with him? Do you want to spend the rest of your life like that? That time should be enough to realise your feelings without his impact and pressure from that situation. Also do things for yourself, like start some hobby, go to spa, buy beautiful dress, do whatever makes you happy. Do you feel better without him than with him? If you decide to separate, it's ok, don't worry about kids, they will be fine and there are plenty of men outside, so you'll get another one. Meanwhile your husband, if he wants you back, should start to act and doing things for you, he has to deserve your forgiveness. If he won't DO anything then its probably time to let him go. Man has to fight for his woman and if he doesn't then he is not your man.

What, I'm sorry your having a bad week too. I understand what you're feeling. Like you, I'm wanting my H to show me how much he loves me right now. After three days of sobbing when I discovered the affair, I read an article online about needing to actively forgive an affair. I'd read stories of women online being in pain and despair months down the track. And because I decided I couldn't take this pain that I have never known before any longer, I needed to try it. I hadn't planned on having sex with him because the thought of him repulsed me, but I had a few drinks and forced myself to do it. I thought the longer I put it off, the more I would continue to think how he repulsed me and the harder it would become to move in the right direction of fixing things. I was actively nice to him and understanding and we communicated like we have not done in years. It was in this time that he showed me how sorry he was and bought me personal gifts to show me that he loved me and thanked me for my efforts in forgiving him. Lately I've fallen off the wagon and things have gone downhill on his side too. I guess I get it. If I was in his shoes and someone was yelling and abusing me, my reaction would not be to return it with being nice. But at the same time, I've just discovered he has been sticking his d**k in another woman for 7 months so of course I'm going to have bad days!! The funny thing is, I actually feel better myself on the good days when I am nice to him. So in all my ranting, I guess I'm saying that on the good days when you're able to move past the affair, I hope those are the days that he shows you that he cares and it slowly moves in a positive direction for both of you as those days become more frequent. What sorts of things do you discuss at the counselor for hubby to complain that you are saying the same things over and over?

Irinn that is such fantastic advice. I really want him out but it’s Christmas, I’ve told him that when we get back from our holiday in January and he’s not changed then he’s moving out. It’s so true about the Doing, he should be fighting for me not the other way round. I don’t understand how he’s not crapping his pants when I’ve told him I’m really going to go and still nothing changes. I need to read posts like that because they do give you the strength to know that there are options, you don’t have to put up with a crappy marriage.

Shellster I felt annoyed reading your post probably because it’s like my H. You put the effort in and they’re nice back as soon as you back off they become distant and horrible. I literally cannot have sex with him at the moment. He keeps trying but I’m just lying there not giving anything back, I just can’t. I said to him that I’ve warned him this would happen if he wouldn’t change. I’m still getting the shitty love you, missing you messages. What thought has gone into those????? He was happy to send another woman plenty of messages to make her feel amazing but still won’t do it for me. It’s as if somehow they’re the victim in all this. He told me when we got back from counselling hat all I did was talk about myself and make myself into the victim, I don’t think he liked that I was just saying what I normally say, make more effort, tell the truth, take time off work etc and she was backing me up and asking him if he thought he should be doing these things. Next time I’ll just let him speak the whole time.

I just cannot believe he’s still acting like this xx

I'm so sorry What, I didn't mean to annoy you! But yes, for some reason with these men, it seems we have to put the effort in first for them to be nice back, even though they are the ones that had the affair and logic dictates they should be bloody putting in the effort!! My sister even warned me about this when I first told her about the affair and before we went to counseling... that the first counseling session might be all about him and I might have to bite my tongue and let him rant, even though I felt that was so wrong because he did this to me and I am the victim here that is hurt and needs to seek counseling for it - not him. She said I have to think about my long term goal and not just the immediate of how I am feeling now. You sound so strong to be able to feel that you will be happy alone. I think about the thought of being all alone and it just scares the crap out of me. So my long term goal is to have a happy marriage and so I am taking the initiative of being nice and trying SO HARD to fix the problems that caused the affair in the first place so that I can feel assured that it won't happen again. Not that I know how I'll ever be able to trust him again after this ultimate betrayal. It feels wrong but I just keep thinking of my long term goal. Funny thing is when I'm in my hurt and devastation mode and yell at him, it doesn't end well and I actually feel worse in myself. But when I am nice and things go well I feel a glimmer of hope and the churning in my stomach goes away for a bit. So I am doing this for me to be happy rather than for him. You of course are entitled to feel completely different. He obviously does love you if he is sending you messages and wanting to initiate sex with you. But I completely understand you not feeling like they mean much when he was also able to do these same things for some other woman too. It will be interesting how your next counseling session goes when you let him do all the talking.

Hi Shellster I was annoyed at our situation that we’re having to placate our H’s it’s crazy. He is still not getting that I need to get over this raw grief for there to be any future for us. I’ve decided he can do all the talking at the next counselling session becaus he said last time I just spoke about myself and made myself out to be the victim!!
We had a good night last night, we were going away as he had a big gig. I told him I’d come but not as a couple, I didn’t want to do anything he said there was not point to that, so we argued for hours and then he drove off. He phoned me and told me he was coming back for me so I said I’d go. I think being out of the area, no children etc and it was lovely. We got on really well, slept together a lot and we’re just really close. I suppose I found him attractive as well as there were 2k people watching his band so it did make me fancy him knowing other people would have been ogling him. - does that make sense???? As we were packing this morning I said because we’ve had a good night doesn’t change anything he still needs to try, and in the car he didn’t try to hold my hand or anything, so back to not trying and me being pissed of with him.

I’m not strong at all just had a lot of time to think about not being married to him. If I’d have been in the position financially and. Emotionally that I’m in now when I found out about his EA I would have left him. I felt like I had no option but to stay and I couldnt stand him, then my affair made me realise I did really love him so hadn’t thought about a future on my own for years, but now I’m back to thinking I can do it. He is not going to make a mug of me again. I told him this morning that his new friends he seems to be aspiring to be like, driving their posh cars, flashing the cash, shagging constantly behind their partners back are ultimately not going to be happy and the same will be for him. I told him he’ll not meet someone who loves him for him they’re just seeing £ signs and a nice lifestyle, if that went tits up they’d want nothing to do with him. The one thing I said that did make him stop was I said we’ve had our babies we’re finally on the road to getting our lives as a couple back a bit but you want to go after younger women, it might be exciting now but they’re going to want kids soon and then you’ll have to do it all again - I could see the penny drop!!!!

Sorry for the big rambling waffle on xx

It’s just dawned on me why I’m still acting like a complete psycho when for you all it seems to have calmed down a bit, it’s because he’s not giving me the answers. His story about what happened
Doesn’t add up. So if I can’t get it straight in my head I’m never going to be able to
Forgive it am I?

He told me when we got back from counselling hat all I did was talk about myself and make myself into the victim

This really isn't what remorse looks like. He isn't for one moment putting himself in your position.

Reconciliation won't be easy with this mindset. I think he's feeling guilty..it's not nice being the bad one who cheated...but a wayward spouse really needs to own it... if they want a second chance.

His story about what happened
Doesn’t add up. So if I can’t get it straight in my head I’m never going to be able to
Forgive it am I?

No you can't. Cheaters tell lies to minimise...they are ashamed of what they did, but they say it's to protect you. It's to save face and not face what they've done.

From what a lot of you ladies are saying...your husbands don't really 'get it'.

They may well regret what they've done by hurting you...but it's yet to turn into remorse.

A remorseful spouse is patient.. understanding..recognises that you will ask the same questions again and again.... that you may want to know the details of the sex...what they...where they went....what they talked about etc

In the same way you are all seeking support....they (if remorseful) would be doing the same... and if they did... you'd see big changes... that may convince you it's worth reconciling....they would make you feel safe...or at least try to makes you feel safe again

How can you trust your heart with a man who isn't thanking you for giving him a second chance and making you feel you are his only one. It's just not possible.

I really feel for you all honestly. I'm not sure if insufficient effort is being made because they don't think you're prepared to end the marriage...

I really feel for you, ladies.

What decided me to end it finally (after 7 months of separation and then 5 months of reconciliation - more like wreckonciliation) was this:

For those whose husbands have had a lengthy affair - more than a few weeks - these are men who are happily prepared to lie to your face, day in, day out, for months at a time. These men can basically never be trusted again. Could you do that to them? Lie blackly to their face, knowing that you're hurting them and making a fool of them? Stealing their reality? Could you even do that to a friend? I don't think you could.

If you're happy to live like that, then I wish you luck. But I knew I couldn't do it. And I'm 1000 times happier separated, with peace of mind, than I was when I stayed.

Sandy I’ve told my H tonight it’s over. I’ve read to him some of the things you wrote because it’s what I’ve been telling him but he won’t listen and to prove I’m not some manic psycho woman that how I’m behaving is normal. He asked me if I ever thought about how he’s feeling and what’s he going through (ie my affair) and I said I completely understand but I need these few weeks to grieve I suppose it is and then we can look at us as a couple, where we’ve gone wrong and what we can both do to fix it. His response was that he’s taken everything I’ve thrown at him etc he hasn’t he’s always brought it back to him. He’s pushed me away too far, I can’t come back from it. Why has he not listened?????

Revenge do you have children? How have they dealt with the separation?

Whatdoido17, yes, I have two girls, both under 10. The situation was made much more complicated by the fact that EXH chose to have an affair with the mother of his daughter's best friend. With MY friend, or so I thought. Through the massive efforts of me and her husband, the children are still friends and hopefully know nothing of the sordid details.

When it gets closer to us all moving into separate houses (next summer), we'll tell them that we can't be married anymore but that we're still friends and will still do things as a family. I honestly think they will be fine. They were pretty okay when we separated, obviously upset but took it pretty well.

Unlike the children of OW who now seem a shadow of their former selves (her husband stayed with her) :(

One thing I read that really resonated: "It's better to be from a broken home, than in one."