DH has had an affair

[threeandmeandthedog]

2017 has been shit. DH 's dad died, I lost my amazing sister to cancer, which had spread to her brain. I was with her throughout most of her illness and it was really fucking awful. She died in June.
I found out that since July DH had hooked up with an old friend he hadn't seen for decades, they bumped into each other at a social event. They have been for coffees, a few drinks and they have kissed.
I only found out because I looked at his phone as I sensed something was wrong. And I feel awful for looking at his phone. She is married with children and an assistant head teacher at a local school. Her partner doesn't know. Apparently it didn't go further than a handful of meetings, texts and kissing. But it would have carried on if I hadn't found d out. And to me this feels like he has just stamped on our marriage. He says it was nothing to do with me, he just met her again after 20+ years and these feelings came up.
If feelings like that come up surely you just say " I have strong feeling but I am married with 3 D.C. And I love my wife so best we don't contact each other." Apparently not.
We have 3 DC. If we didn't I would kick him out right now. I love him but I don't know where we go from here.
He is sorry, wants to make it work, etc.
I think we had both become distant from each other. But I thought we were also supporting each other.
I work full time and have a long commute, where as his working hours are more flexible and he does pick ups and drops offs for school as all three kids are in primary. So if I did ask him to leave I'd have to see him every day anyway.
I am just so sad and angry and upset. This has been the most awful year anyway, I didn't think it could get worse and now it has. My parents have both died and I was very close to my sister. One thing that was getting me through her death was the thought of our family, who mean everything to me. But he has broken the trust in our relationship and I don't know what to do.

What, your husband is a better person than me, not telling anyone when you had your affair. I rang my H's mother instantly when I found out because she is a christian woman and I knew my H would dread her knowing.

Was your own affair a one night thing? Was there a reason for it? Did you still love your husband the same after? I hope you don't mind me asking, but I am just trying to genuinely understand what happens in the mind of the person committing the affair... if I ask my husband, I am only going to yell at him for his answer rather than genuinely try to see it from his point of view, because I am so angry and hurt right now.

I am trying to follow your lead. I am going to work on getting the pain and devastation out of my system and try to focus on our future. If I continue being swallowed by this pain, if I continue dropping to the floor and crying like a baby, I am the only one that is hurting and resentful. H and I have been on a downward spiral for years since my 1st son was born,with having difference of opinion on our roles as husband/wife and mum/dad. I have been resentful to him for not contributing, and he has been resentful towards me for being mad at him for it. He was hating life at home and the affair was an escape from reality. He meant nothing to her and has no respect for her. I am his wife and the mother of his children. I have to try to view it this way to stop wallowing in pain and we our now seeing a counselor to work on finding mutual ground in our roles in the household.

Don't get me wrong. I am not simply over the affair with a quick attitude change. This is going to be like moving a mountain. But when I hear queen still so hurt at the 6 week mark, and I can't bear to continue to feel like this for another day let alone 6 weeks and beyond, it is in my own interest to come away from this stronger and happier.

I have not got any words but hope there is a better 2018 for you

shellster itcdoes get easier I promise. The hurt is still there but the anger and the hate lessen otherwise youveat yourself up. The periods between crying uncontrollably get longer and you are able to function a little more each day. I’ll be honest though, I’m not sure I can ever not hurt.

Today is our wedding anniversary. That fucking hurts. It’s meaningless now. He trashed our vows. I’m about to start a new thread for people that have successfully rebuilt their marriages as right now I need some positivity.

Our anniversary was 5th November and my H organised a night away for the two of us. I went on moonpig and designed a card that didn't say happy anniversary or anything, I just put a lot of pictures of us on the front which showed how happy we were and then (instead of saying "thanks for being a twat" like I was tempted to) poured my heart out inside.

It made him cry his eyes out and from time to time he still takes it out and he cannot read it still without crying.

I am now almost 10 weeks out since finding out and feeling a bit stuck. H is doing the work (but sometimes he withdraws mostly when I am angry as he doesn't know how to deal with my anger), I do feel stuck though. I don't know how to move on and I feel exhausted. Now I manage a few hours without focusing on it which took me by surprise but that means that if we manage a few hours of laughing and having a good time (as abstract as that sounds as I didn't think I'd be able to laugh with him again) when the pain and dispair return they hit me even harder. I had this on Saturday when we had a really good day followed by me spending the evening sobbing and being back to "why?! How could you do this to us?!"

brokenlife that sounds exactly like me. Why, why, why? But there is no one reason. And yes, when the pain hits you it floors you totally.

Queen, another similarity between us. My anniversary is two days away. I was dreading it but with my trying to be positive today, I am going to give him the present I bought him before I found out without resentment (maybe!?!?!) and see. But my mind might change on the day!!

Broken, I'd be interested in what you wrote in your card. I'd love to write a card that would make him think of what a fool he has been for what he has done when he could have spent that time building our marriage bond instead of breaking it.

Yes unfortunately the reasons we are provided with will never be good enough. Because there isn't a good enough reason to excuse this behaviour... the "reasons" on this side have been middle age crisis and somebody stroke his ego, he wanted to, for once in his life, do something out of normal, risky. Amazing isn't it? He did and I am now picking up the pieces...

What I wrote... from memory as I am at work, I filled in both sides, just took a pen and wrote everything that was in my heart (I was about 6 weeks from finding out then), how I thought we had something special, how we were happy (we were, we had/have(?) such an amazing connection, loving spending time with each other, being stuck together at all times, his affair was during work hours) and had it all and now I doubt everything in my life. How I thank him for being a good dad for the kids along the way, how I don't think things will ever ever be the same but ultimately I wish him a happy life with or without me, which I wish for myself also. That is in summary but you can imagine it was a lot of emotion in that card.

I gave him to him the day after our night away (which was a total fiasco spent with me crying and telling him how I felt and how I don't think I'll ever get over it). He didn't open it for a couple of hours and when he read it he broke down in tears. He read it several times that day and couldn't stop crying. He tried to read it again a week later, same reaction.

I don't know there's so much pain and sadness... I know he loves me and doesn't want to lose me but I am doubtful we can make it as this was a deal breaker for me all my life...

Sorry for the typos all, I am on mobile and at work so writing quickly before they notice I am barely doing any work... I find it so hard to concentrate on anything else still...

Sorry everyone seems to be having such a crap morning.

Shellster you know what he should have told people and screamed and shouted and got I t out of his system as we might not be in this mess now. Plus he’d been having an emotional affair at the beginning of our relationship which royally fucked me up so he knew he wasn’t entirely absolved of blame. He completely plays it down saying that nothing was going on but I don’t think speaking to someone over a hundred times a month and texting was nothing. Plus they were both teachers at the time and you could tell from the phone bills when half term etc was as all contact would stop - so not that platonic, I keep telling him I’m as devestated now as I was then. I thought we had the perfect relationship then and he ruined it. I should have gone for counselling or left him but I didn’t and it ended up festering. I had PND, we were skint, living in a shithole of a house while we were doing it up. I was practically working full time and doing everything in the house yet he’d call me lazy or tell me I had sticky bum syndrome as I was always sitting down (absolute bullshit). I kept telling him I wanted to leave and that I didn’t want to be married to him anymore and he’s always say you go I’m staying - I had nowhere to go and no money. Then a family friend d started to text and it was platonic at first then gradually went further. It went on from the first text till it ended for about 3 months. We both tried to end it in that time. It’s such a weird situation because you don’t want to be doing it, but it exciting it’s nice when someone’s actually saying positive things about you and the other thing is you’re scared if you end it it’s going to piss that person off and they’ll blab everything. I honestly thought my H wouldn’t be bothered when he found out but he was devastated. Shellster it made me love him so much more. It flicked a switch in my brain, I realised all the negative feelings I had about him (apart from the EA) where because life had got hard, it had got in the way of us, had clouded my judgement and actually I was still madly in love with him and I so badly wanted us to work. He wanted the same. We should have gone to counselling, we really should but we were young and naive and thought that because we were talking that would be enough.

But the guilt has eaten away at me. If anything about affairs or cheating came on the tv or in a song I would be cringing, I didn’t socialise as much because i didnt want him to be worrying. It was becoming unbearable because that’s not the kind of person I am going out shagging other men, it made me feel so sick that I could have done that. And knowing my selfish and despicable actions has caused H so
Much pain really was hard to
Cope with. That’s one thing I throw at him now he knew the pain he felt so how could he do it? The good thing is the guilt I felt has evaporated. I’m going to get a life for myself and do things for me now.

Not sure we’ll make it. I thought we were in a good place in fact I said to him a few months ago we’ve finally turned the corner and I’m really exvited for our future. I’m
Going to see how counselling goes so
Don’t want to make any definite decisions till we’ve had a few sessions.

As Queen says you get over the crying every two seconds, the shaking constantly etc but it’s still there. I try not to keep bringing it up so that everything we do isn’t marred by what’s gone on. MyH doesn’t think I’m normal being fine one minute and then being a screaming crying mess the next. He’s trying to play everything down but because I’ve been in his situation I know that the feelings are intense, you have so much to lose. I found a dick pick 2 weeks before he apparently stopped contact with her, if he’d have been that bothered he would have stopped it straight away. One thing that gets to me is i phoned her up and had her on speaker phone while I spoke to her and I said he doesn’t even find you attractive and H shouted at me “don’t be so out of order”. I’m sorry girls I know you think it’s karma that’s come to get me and you’re probably right but I’m absolutely fucking heartbroken!

What I'll be honest with you, in my wildest dreams and anger I imagine that I'll let all this settle, get my H into a secure place and then cheat on him and make him go through all the pain I am going through now.

But... the truth is that we need to learn from our experiences in life and if we do survive this we need to survive it for the right reasons. Regain trust, love, safety and believe we have a better marriage than before because that's the only way we could survive as a couple. So I know I wouldn't do that to be honest. Providing I'll still love him 3 years from now on how could I want to see him in this level of pain?

Do you think your H though wasn't able to think beyond it and learn from it at all? Realise that not only it wouldn't help your marriage but also the pain he's inflicting onto you? Do you think all he wanted was revenge? I hope the pain goes away and we all feel better soon.

I know that just because you had an affair doesn't make it right to bring that pain back in your marriage and shake it even more... I am thinking of you.

Oh Broken you’ve made me cry. I feel like I have no right to be upset after what I did but why didn’t he leave then instead of making me feel everything was ok and then doing this? He says it wasnt a revenge affair which for me makes it worse, I could cope better with it if it was. He says he thought he’d be able to bury it but it kept coming back and because at first I really struggled talking about it he never opened up to me. He’s not broached the subject with me for years and I would have happily talked with him about it. Instead he decided he’d rather talk to another woman about his problems!! Xx

What big hug to you! I hope I didn't make you cry for the wrong reasons. One pain and hurt doesn't cancel another. His pain back when you had an affair doesn't trump your pain now. I can imagine that on top of what I am experiencing you are also experiencing guilt of even feeling pain when you did the same thing before. Don't be too heard on yourself, your pain is as valid as his was.

Thanks so much Broken it’s juat what I need to hear at the moment. Hope your day was ok xx

Broken, you are right. There is never going to be any reason that makes us think 'oh, well now I understand and that is acceptable behaviour then'. But having a mid life crisis and wanting to do something risky is certainly at the low end of acceptable reasons!

What, thanks so much for taking the time to reply. I can imagine an emotional affair would be difficult to deal with. Why does he feel such a connection to her... why isn't he interested in sending you loving and flirting texts all day instead. And when you and your H's life was hard, I can imagine it would be nice to hear positive things about you from someone else. I guess your perspective as a woman doesn't help me to understand my H's perspective as a man. He says he had no emotional connection to her. But I find it hard to understand. Then why not go off and stick your dick in a doll or do it by hand? Why do you have to enjoy getting another woman's rocks off? Anyway, when I have said that I can't look at him without thinking of him touching her and when we have sex I imagine him doing these things to her, he says that this relationship isn't going to work then. And then I feel so scared to lose him as I still love him. So I have been having sex and cringing in quiet. Oh What, I wish I had the right answers for you. There's is so much more emotionally going on for you with you feeling guilty about your past and I am not in that situation to understand. I hope you are finding the counseling as helpful as I am. We have only been to one session but it really does enable you to say what you truly think without your partner interrupting or firing back at you, and with a counselor there to help your partner understand. Speak from your heart when you go and I truly hope the two of you end up stronger for it. But the memories I don't know we will ever let go of. How do we forget something like that? How do we have sex again and not think of that third person in the bedroom?

The thing is Shellster he says there was no emotional connection, I’m sure the twat who I had an affair with would have said said that to his wife. Yet he was the one texting me at 4 in the morning, texting and phoning all day! I think emotions are the same for men and women especially if both have a partner and things to lose. I really have to not think about them or her when we’re having sexual I just get it out of my brain as quickly as I can. It’s not easy. I’ve not had sex with him for a few days I just can’t. Got counselling tonight hope it helps.

Hope everyone is ok today xx

Just clocking in..
So sorry to see people are struggling. I've come to realize it's my dcs that keep me going at the moment and it's not having them near or even just the thought of that that pushes me into despair. I've been to yet another appointment with my gp who's prescribed ADs. I hope to God it helps. I've started having thoughts on how i'd do it and this scares the shit out of me.
7.5 months in now and very much on a rollercoaster still. I just wish h would start communicating with me. But I'm quite ready to throw in the towel. If only it wasn't this time of year...

ConstantStruggler that scares me, what you said... I am trying to resist AD but it scares me you are still feeling so strong after 7.5 months...

Have you heard of the affair season idea? Apparently you start feeling worse when you go through the months of the year when the affair actually happened. So mine will be next year in June. Is that what's happening in your case?

Stay strong for your dcs

Thanks @broken
That may be it. Hadn't heard of it but I'll look it up. I say 7.5 months (post dday) but problem is that the story has trickled out. First it started Jan17; then Sept16 but the time line is vague. He's known her since 2013/4 and ihave always had an awkward feeling about her (hindsight... ), something icouldn't quite put my gunner on. Same doubts for the end. I sometimes doubt it has actually ended. I get so angry at myself for allowing this to happen. Right under my nose. The smugness of it all.

I don't sleep well; have trouble eating and enjoying my food; feel anxious (esp when I'm in danger of meeting her); can't concentrate at work. All signs of depression. But thank God for my dcs. I will stay strong for them. I can take steps to make life fun for them and for me by association. It's just hard when they are not around. And sometimes even when they are because I know they'll be off again.

Gunner=finger.

Sorry for message overload but I feel I have to post. One thing I've come to realize from IC is that I need to find happiness from within myself. Happiness that is independent from h, even independent from my dc. But between realizing and applying this to myself there is an ocean. There are 17 years of intertwined lives that need unraveling. I know I can do it.

Constant , sorry things are tough. I think you are right though, you are strong and you can do it, even though it is sad and painful. I have found strength I didn't even know I had and I feel resolute that I can do this by myself.
H and I are trying and he is ticking all the right boxes for doing the right things. I think we turned a corner last week after a particularly long and painful conversation. But what he said felt genuine and honest and remorseful. Enough for men to move forward a bit anyway. His affair was about 6 weeks long and they only met up about 6 times. No sex but kissing. It's the intimacy with someone else that is hard to move on from. I'm six weeks now from finding out and only in the last week have I felt calmer, been able to start eating and am sleeping better.
I wonder if it is all relative to the length of the affair.... the time it takes to begin to move on?
I think work has helped, it's been very intense over the last few weeks and have an important career changing thing going on which has kept
Me distracted.
Anyway, am rambling. But am starting to see that it could work again with H. If the level of effort he is putting in is sustained. If we keep on talking honestly. There is always little bits of doubt creeping in, and anger bubbling away, but less so than last week. But I know I will be ok without him too, and that helps.

Oh Broken, if whatyou say is true about the affair season idea, I am in for big trouble. I know for a fact that they had sex shortly after 7 on 14th Aug, as I saw the msg she wrote to him asking 'are you coming over tonight', and his reply 'yep be there soon'. So I dread that day already next year. But then I think, well know they started msging on 14th April and I found out 29th Nov, so that is 7 long months where I will be thinking, 'was he enjoying a fuck tonight with her while I was home with our children?'

What, how was the counseling? I COMPLETELY understand the effort in TRYING not to think of the other woman while having sex. We are having couples counseling but I am starting my own counseling on 22nd Dec for this specific reason - how not to think of the affair while having sex with him. How not to think of sex as him using me for a fuck rather than making love as I used to see it, how not to be thinking that he is doing things differently now and did he learn this from her? Has your counseling addressed these issues? This is the thing that I am desperate for an answer for and 22nd Dec seems so far away.

Constant, are you both getting counseling? I can totally understand that this would be so much worse if H is not communicating with you. It's weird that waiting for my H to get home and then communicating all my crazy affair thoughts of the day is the thing that makes me feel better about it for a bit, even though he is the one that caused this so craving him and communication with him does not make sense. You sound like such a strong woman. You are AMAZING to find the strength to carry on through your children. I love my children and tell myself I will put them first through this, but ultimately I feel that loving my children is a very one way love and that they do not give back to me in the emotional way that I need, and that I still need my husband despite what he has done. Then I feel weak for feeling this way. You are an absolutely amazing fantastic mum for finding pure joy from them and there is nothing wrong with being a genuine mum who loves her children.

Morning ladies. There’s definitely an affair season thing. When it’s that time and I say something to my husband he always says just have a think what time of year it is.

Constant so glad you’re having IC. Once your happy from within and with yourself you don’t depend on anyone else for happiness.

Three been wondering how you’ve been, that’s fab news you feel like you’re turning a corner.

Shellster, counselling has just made me feel like I hate and don’t want to be with him. Nothing different from what I always say to him was said so not sure why it’ll make any difference. I said to the counsellor I can’t speak to him because he makes himself the victim every time, how he hasn’t actualky done anything to show me he wants to be with me etc. She said to him don’t you rhjnk you need to suck it up at the moment. That you do actually need to put work, hobbies 2nd and 3rd priority to our marriage. I doubt it will make any difference. At the momwnt I cannot bare to be near him and I can’t see a future! Is this normal after a counselling session?? Xx