DH has had an affair

[threeandmeandthedog]

2017 has been shit. DH 's dad died, I lost my amazing sister to cancer, which had spread to her brain. I was with her throughout most of her illness and it was really fucking awful. She died in June.
I found out that since July DH had hooked up with an old friend he hadn't seen for decades, they bumped into each other at a social event. They have been for coffees, a few drinks and they have kissed.
I only found out because I looked at his phone as I sensed something was wrong. And I feel awful for looking at his phone. She is married with children and an assistant head teacher at a local school. Her partner doesn't know. Apparently it didn't go further than a handful of meetings, texts and kissing. But it would have carried on if I hadn't found d out. And to me this feels like he has just stamped on our marriage. He says it was nothing to do with me, he just met her again after 20+ years and these feelings came up.
If feelings like that come up surely you just say " I have strong feeling but I am married with 3 D.C. And I love my wife so best we don't contact each other." Apparently not.
We have 3 DC. If we didn't I would kick him out right now. I love him but I don't know where we go from here.
He is sorry, wants to make it work, etc.
I think we had both become distant from each other. But I thought we were also supporting each other.
I work full time and have a long commute, where as his working hours are more flexible and he does pick ups and drops offs for school as all three kids are in primary. So if I did ask him to leave I'd have to see him every day anyway.
I am just so sad and angry and upset. This has been the most awful year anyway, I didn't think it could get worse and now it has. My parents have both died and I was very close to my sister. One thing that was getting me through her death was the thought of our family, who mean everything to me. But he has broken the trust in our relationship and I don't know what to do.

Oh God Practically how bloody awful for you! You must be going up the wall not being able to confront him properly. This is the place to vent when you need to. I don’t know why I just find it easier to vent at strangers and say exactly how I’m feeling than I do to people in RL.

Yeah Sandy it is just because of my heightened insecurities. I don’t mind at all normally when he does things like that. Sometimes you just need someone else to tell you. He took the app off his phone but he’s still got a Facebook account, which is fine I don’t expect him not to have. Yep we’re having counselling. Don’t think there’s be anyway if getting through this without it xx

Girls,
to reiterate PP "One thing is for sure, I am not the same person, I've changed and he needs to change himself and understand who is this person who surfaced and was willing to risk it all an ultimately what brought into his life, what gap it filled and is that gap now gone?",

I think this is important. Many things make you change, just growing up, child birth, illness, accidents, decease, One hears the expression "older & wiser", actually its more like a changing skin to fit the new circumstances

You will never be the same person again, the wandering partner will have to adapt to this new persona,& indeed may discover may not like this new changed "you.
It (the affair) will never just go away, & all this "moving on", "forgive & forget" is not realistic. It is something you have experienced, you cannot rewind. You can learn, if you wish, to live with it.

Also, on a conciliatory note, there are many possibilities, separating & finding a lovely new partner, or remaining single, but the crux of it is "how do you see your future "? do you want to see if the grass is greener, or do you want to adapt & grow ?
At the moment, primarily you want it to stop hurting. & that includes recognising that you are irrevocably changed, & must live in that new skin.

I haven't been on here in a bit... sometimes reading other peoples posts and talk of affairs and divorce makes me realise the gravity ot the situation I am in after discovering my husbands 7 month affair on 24th Nov, and I feel more depressed after. Maybe I've been trying to minimise it as my method of coping. But tonight I have been going crazy anyway so here I am! I blocked everyone on my husbands facebook page the day of discovering his affair. I was just on it to make sure nothing new has surfaced, and I saw a picture of the girl he had an affair with. Also saw he was in a message group with her an another girl, so I started chatting in the group to see if perhaps H was having an affair with the other girl as well. It all just makes me sick that I am having to check who my partner is Fing. I thought I was on the forgive and forget path but this has just resurfaced everything. Anyway, I know there is nothing here anyone can do but just need to rant to the only people who can understand.

pracitcally, I can imagine the not knowing and all the possibilities constantly going through your head would have you on very little sleep. I can understand one human wanting to help another human who falls on tough times... but the fact that he has kept it so secret from you for so long is obviously wrong and makes you wonder why?? Have you spoken since?? Are you able to check their messages??

Hi all, how are you all doing at the shitty time of year?
pratcisvlly how are you doing?
shellster like you I’ve been minimising because it’s the only way I can get through the next 2 weeks. I’m expecting a shit storm of emotions once I’ve got through Xmas/new year when I allow myself to think about it properly again. I’m so pissed off that Xmas is like this and having to plan who sees the kids when etc. But I can’t allow myself to get angry because it’s not fair on the kids.
Love to you all.

Shelster, Queen how do you manage to keep your emotions in check? In front of the kids I’m ok, I’m too busy to be thinking but once they’re in bed I’m just blowing up. I can’t carry on like this. Stay strong everyone

Anybody else having strong physical issues due to this. I am literally sitting here shaking as I type, we had a conversation last night and there are some things that do not add up in my head (maybe I am paranoid or I am right) and I am shaking thinking of ways to find out more. Besides the fact that I lost 2st in 11 weeks (great diet, highly "recommend" it) and I can cry for stupid reasons. Like for example going to put some new jeans that I just bought (seeing that nothing fits anymore) and noticing the store left the security tag on them. I literally broke down in tears at something that I would have laughed in the past.

I also feel more and more that I want to give up. Not because my H isn't showing a lot of remorse but because I am not sure I can deal with it anymore, it is too much and actually I can't see a good future together, first because I'd never trust him again and there's a risk he'll do it again, second because how can you live next to a liar and a cheat when you were supposed to have married "the one" who would never ever inflict this level of pain on you.

I am starting individual counselling on Thursday and I hope that will help me.

Have a good Christmas all, whatever that means... I know I am pushing through it for the kids. Same as you I assume. I keep thinking it may be their last one with all of us before their world collapses next year.

broken on days like today I feel like you. For whatever reason my h was unhappy and chose to stray. What if he gets unhappy again? Will I live in that constant fear? Will I always try and over compensate to keep him happy? That’s no way to live a life.

Broken, yep the shaking and crying definitely. I can go for months without crying normally I’m in tears literally every day at the moment. I’m quite a smiley person, I’m struggling to raise a smile to anyone. What I really really hate is because I’ve not told anyone, everyone thinks I’m depressed and the dramatic weight loss is due to the stress of my eldest who we’re pretty much sure is on the autism spectrum.

Broken I completely get about the liar and cheat and how can you forgive them. If your sure it’s just the once and it’s not like him to do this, then this should have shit him up so much he’ll never do it again. I know I will never ever do what I did again, so the once a cheater always a cheater quote is bullshit. He seems to be doing everything to make you see that this was a huge massive mistake. But if you think he’s capable of doing it again or you really don’t think you can get over it, give trying as much as a chance as you can take, and if it’s not working don’t carry on plodding through. That’s what my H did and look at the mess now. I found some emails last night where he was being flirty with the OW a year ago, when our baby was a few weeks old. She wasn’t interested in him then as she was fucking his mate. I really don’t think I’m going to get over this. He’s broken my trust twice now. I do really love him but I can’t ever risk the chance of feeling like this again.

The only thing I think is, is that they are with us not the OW. I’ve told him he can go to her if he wants to, that if they’re meant to be I will not stand in their way. He’s still here though. Got counselling tonight, hoping that will help.

I’m off doing Christmas shopping. I’ve not bought anything, I just can not summon the energy but I need to for the kids. I’ve not bought him a present but I’ll have to for the kids’ sake to put in the pretence. Just a token gift.

Queen that’s what I keep asking H. I thought we were happy, he wasn’t but didn’t tell me. How do I know he’s not going to jump into bed with the next person who shows him affection? He’s made me feel so paranoid about getting older! He goes into different businesses with his job and there’s always young, pretty girls there. Perfect temptation for him.

what the fact that she’s younger than me really gets to me. I’m 44 but menopausal and on hrt. I’ve had 3 kids and have the associated softeness of body with that and getting older means I don’t have the flat taut stomach or the perky boobs that she does. However much self worth I have I can’t stop comparing myself. I can’t stop wondering what she had that I don’t?

Exactly queen im exactly the same. I’m mid 30s had 4 kids naturally. I’m back to a size 8 now thanks to this but my boobs go to my belly button, I just keep thinking not be crude did he want a nice tight Hasn’t had any kids coming out of it. My confidence has been zapped to nothing.

It’s toture isn’t it? Like scratching at a wound that hurts.

I’ve told him today that it’s a good job it’s christmas or there’d Have been no chance for us cos I would have been gone. How can you hate somebody so much but love them at the same time?

This is common mistake, You are in love with the person you thought he was, not the person he became,

Thanks for the replies. We've had a few terse conversations with him still abroad and some angry txts sent by me. He's just landed and taking his "friend" home from the airport. I'm so tangled up with it all. It's torture. Not seen any messages other than a few emails with flight info on them.

To add to all of this situation, we run a small business together. So working together to add to the scenario.

I dont know what to do when he gets home. I've lost about 1/4 stone since Friday, my sleeping pattern is so poor. House a mess, tree up but not decorated. Kids none the wiser thankfully.

Keep strong everyone.

Queen, my thoughts are exactly the same. He says he was unhappy in the relationship and that's why he strayed. But I remember many happy times the last 7 months he's been having an affair, and each time a memory occurs, it pains me that it was all a fake show on his part. How will I know if he's unhappy again if I feel the last 7 months have been good?? I'm worried I'll be walking on egg shells making sure I don't say or do a single thing to offend him... but I am a human being and entitled to ask for things I want in the relationship too. Are you doing any form of counseling? I am going tonight and going to try to get specific answers so I can see if I can feel confident these things can be corrected.

What, I certainly don't have any perfect answer for how to keep my emotions in check. I only work 2 mornings a week due to having kids, so that leaves lots of time during the day home alone with my 1 year old for my thoughts to constantly run wild. I have definitely found though that on the days when I am feeling like being positive to try to fix things I feel better withing myself too. Eg, I read a pro-active article about how to rekindle a relationship (trying to look nice physically, stimulating intellectual conversation and connecting emotionally by doing things we used to when we first went out and wanted to please the other person), so I spent the day pre-reading an article that I could share with him later, and other things to improve the relationship for our night together, and at the end of the night, I did have more hope than on the days I had spent resenting him and his actions.

Broken, your concerns are mine exactly. Will we ever trust again. Like I said, currently working on trying to find and fix what he thought was broken so I can feel confident the problem is solved so it won't happen again. Maybe that's just me now trying to find practical solutions to move forward and stop myself feeling the level of pain I have felt, maybe it won't work long term and maybe I will never trust again. He likes going out an socialising and I will probably always be wondering. I guess I can be positive and proactive now and it doesn't mean that this has to work long term.

practically, you're in the worst position with no clear answers and all the unknown flying around in your head. Although the rest of us are a step ahead and know the truth and that is not a good thing to know either! Thinking of you xox

pratically good luck with it all, we’re here for you.

The walking on egg shells thing really resonates shellster. And I’m not sure I want to live my life like that. We are in counselling and we had such a lovely evening last Friday and really talked and I felt really positive about the future.

I’ve come full circle though somehow. The enormity of what he did has hit me again and I’m left thinking I don’t want to live my life with a liar and a cheat. I’ve no respect and admiration for him anymore. I despise lying and disloyalty. Right now I see no future. I was meant to be meeting him last night and I cancelled. He wasn’t happy and one of his texts said that we need to be careful about saying we’ll do things and then not doing them. I replied by saying, do you mean like agreeing to forsake all others. I was with friends and they thought that some of his texts were manipulative and that he needs to grow up.

I know that my feelings are likely to change and by next week I could be madly in love with him. I get that that must be confusing for him and I hoped he understands that I’m not purposely messing him around. Not that I should really be worrying how he is feeling.

We are all worth so much more. How dare they treat us like this.

"He says he was unhappy in the relationship and that's why he strayed."

Utter bollocks. They all say this. They're lying (again). It's just a way of evading responsibility for what they've done, which is worrying if you want to continue the relationship.

Funny how none of these cheats ever say "I strayed because my sense of entitlement meant my need for strange pussy outweighs your need to feel secure and loved in our marriage."

Sorry, harsh words. But you are all worth so much more than this.

I have the opposite, my H is saying he was happy, he wants our life back as it was perfect, he did it because he was weak and didn't say no to who kibbles, saw an opportunity and took it without any plans to leave me (I know that for sure) she was just stroking his ego and he couldn't/didn't say no. I was never meant to find out. Apparently I am perfect in every way, he had stake at home and went out for burgers.

I find this even more worrying, how the hell do I move on with someone who cheated while he was happy? Apparently he'll never ever do it again as he can see the devastation he's caused, we're having an awful time at the moment crying in turns or together at the ashes of our marriage.

I am starting individual counselling today and he is starting in January. We're also in marriage counselling.

I can't actually see my future with him or without him. I just know that this pain will go away one day and I will have a clearer mind on what I should do.

Just to say that no matter how good or bad your marriage was there is no excuse for cheating. None! They had the opportunity to talk to you about it, to ask for help, to change things or to divorce. Cheating is despicable, if their marriage was so bad why not coming out of it? Why hiding they met someone else and not come clean about it? Because they wanted their cake and eat it, that's why.

I just wanted to say hello and ‘merry’ Christmas to you all. I’m thinking of you all as this is so hard. I’ll be so glad when it’s 2 jan and ‘normal’ life resumes again. It’s almost like I’m counting down the days to get through it. Hope you’re all ok.

Merry Christmas to you too Queen and everyone else. Hope you all manage to have a lovely day tomorrow xx

Hi everyone reading the posts is like having someone in my thoughts. We have all been through the same thing with the same selfish ego maniacs needing their fragile self esteem boosting by the flatterers who are getting the same favour returned. My now ex DH said there was nothing wrong but he had these feelings ' and as another post has said- well you don't act on it , you sort out your own relationship first,
I've been in this position for a few months now and in hindsight I would have:
*Rung the OW and let her know that I knew and find out what lies he'd told her

• Told everyone straight away- I was in shock and thought we could work things out. (I now realise he was stringing me along) this may have given him a shock a also talking to others has been the best therapy ^ I would have given him an ultimatum straight away instead of thinking if I give him space he'll see sense

Basically he's weak willed and allowed an ego flattering flirtation to go too far.
To you all- it's not your fault , it doesn't matter if you've been arguing, distant, loving, loyal - if they have an affair that is their choice and their fault. They will try to twist and manipulate it to make it seem they couldn't help it and there was no choice- it's all lies to justify their own selfish, self indulgent actions.
I am getting stronger all the time and you will too. There are dark days and thoughts- wondering if they have told the truthvto workmates, her parents and family. I need to know that they have rod the truth. That's why I wish I'd told peope sooner to make sure everyone knew their true characters .
You deserve to be treated with respect. It's a hellish position to be put into and my heart goes out to everyone.
I hope you all manage to have some peace in the next few days x

queen, I can 100% relate. We too have had a couple of days where things have been good and we've really talked and I felt positive. But I seem to go around in circles and yesterday the texts came back to haunt me and I slept with my 1y.o. because the thought of lying next to him was too much. Does he say what led to the affair? How long ago did you find out? Just wandering how far ahead you are than me and how long this stage of going in circles lasts.

My H was saying he has been unhappy for years - and some days I can genuinely see why. We've had 4 years of strain with IVF treatment to create our 2nd son. We've also had a long standing different opinion on what our roles are since my first son was born 6 years ago. He feels he works and pays the mortgage and wants to spend his spare time relaxing. He says he hates mowing the lawns, washing dishes etc and would rather pay someone else to do it if I don't want to do it. From my point of view, I think he should want to contribute to his family and spend time with his family. What is there for me to be in love with if he spends his spare time out with friends or at home napping and playing computer games. I've combated my resentment about this by trying to involve him... ask him to at least mind the kids while I mow the lawn, or ask for his opinion and help when I was re-varnishing our lounge table. Now that the affair has all come out, he says he has felt me wanting him to do things and has felt pressured and hating coming home and the affair was an escape from reality and a part of him wanting his freedom back. We are in counseling working on these issues and some days I do have hope that if we can fix this, I may be able to have trust that it won't happen again. As for how to get past the pain of the fact that it has happened, I'm not sure.

Broken, you have the opposite where you say he was happy. I'm not sure how you work with that. There's no underlying problems that you can 'fix' to resolve what led to the affair to make you feel reassured it won't happen again.

Winter, interesting you say 'it's not your fault'. I know of 3 females whose partner has cheated. All 3 are still with their man and all 3 have an excuse... it was my fault, anyone could do it, being with the other woman helped him see what he was missing with me. So it seems that this is part of the process that needs to happen in order to be able to move forward in the relationship. Otherwise, how do you rekindle love for a man when you continue to think that he has hurt you to the core and it was unacceptable.

Hope everyone had an ok Christmas. I’m
Feeling angrier and angrier about it all, I don’t know how I’m ever going to forgive him. Is anyone else feeling like this or is it getting easier for you?

What I am right there with you. I keep replying the same things in my mind during his affair and more so the week before I found out when I was suspicious and told him so, begged him to tell me if there was somebody else, cried endlessly, and he still continued his affair until I found out.

So I am angry. Full of anger and I told him I actually cannot trust all he says at all. When he says his feelings of her died within 10 min of me asking him to pack his bags, when he says he can't imagine life without me, that he loves me and I am his life it means nothing. He saw me broken the day before I found out, told me lies and went to work and had lunch with her. My hurt meant nothing. I don't know about you but I keep thinking that if I would have had an affair the moment I would have seen my partner so broken with suspicion I would have ended it and run for the hills if indeed I would have loved my partner.

I can't find any viable explanation and I keep going around in circles and feeling angry. I am 3 months out and it doesn't feel like its getting much better.

Last night I fainted at 3am this morning. Went to the bathroom for a wee and luckily I just about managed to tell him I am going (we sleep together). The next thing I remember is him pulling me on the bed, apparently he managed to catch me in time. Maybe he should have left me to bang my head on something and get some flipping amnesia, that would help.

I guess losing 2 stones in 6 weeks down to a size 6 now and trying to exercise to make myself feel better and maybe get hungry wasn't a good idea.