DH has had an affair

[threeandmeandthedog]

2017 has been shit. DH 's dad died, I lost my amazing sister to cancer, which had spread to her brain. I was with her throughout most of her illness and it was really fucking awful. She died in June.
I found out that since July DH had hooked up with an old friend he hadn't seen for decades, they bumped into each other at a social event. They have been for coffees, a few drinks and they have kissed.
I only found out because I looked at his phone as I sensed something was wrong. And I feel awful for looking at his phone. She is married with children and an assistant head teacher at a local school. Her partner doesn't know. Apparently it didn't go further than a handful of meetings, texts and kissing. But it would have carried on if I hadn't found d out. And to me this feels like he has just stamped on our marriage. He says it was nothing to do with me, he just met her again after 20+ years and these feelings came up.
If feelings like that come up surely you just say " I have strong feeling but I am married with 3 D.C. And I love my wife so best we don't contact each other." Apparently not.
We have 3 DC. If we didn't I would kick him out right now. I love him but I don't know where we go from here.
He is sorry, wants to make it work, etc.
I think we had both become distant from each other. But I thought we were also supporting each other.
I work full time and have a long commute, where as his working hours are more flexible and he does pick ups and drops offs for school as all three kids are in primary. So if I did ask him to leave I'd have to see him every day anyway.
I am just so sad and angry and upset. This has been the most awful year anyway, I didn't think it could get worse and now it has. My parents have both died and I was very close to my sister. One thing that was getting me through her death was the thought of our family, who mean everything to me. But he has broken the trust in our relationship and I don't know what to do.

Revenge so are you still living together? I told him I wasn’t going to
Look at some houses next week and he said that’s fine. He has absolutely no fight in him to keep me so that’s ok. I’m not going to be with someone who won’t show me how much he wants me. I suppose I feel shocked, I thought he’d be here begging me to change my mind, telling me how much he loves me etc but he’s gonw to bed. I suppose it makes the decision making a lot easier - we’ll actually I’m fucking heart broken but I refuse to let him see me upset anymore. I can’t do it, I’m at the end of my tether!!!

Yep, still in the same house but separate bedrooms. Sometimes it's awful but mostly it's okay. I've moved on past the anger (mostly). I'm just looking forward to my new life.

Have you been to Chumplady? Helped me enormously: www.chumplady.com/archives/

Stay strong. There really is light at the end of the tunnel xx

The thing is, one day you really will look at him and think "God, I pity you. You weak, selfish, damaged little person."

All of you on this thread deserve so much better.

Revenge your last post resonates. My H is full of remorse, doing all the things he should be, wants the marriage to work, has answered all my questions to the point where I am done asking them all the time. But something has shifted, not just the lack of trust, but how I see him. And I do see him differently, don't respect him anymore and think , at times he's a bit pathetic. These are fleeting feelings, but they are there. I love him and want it to work, but I love myself too and am not putting up with beimg disrespected in such a way ever again. So I guess we will be on thin ice until there's something more solid underfoot.

Whatdoido I really feel for you. You deserve a future where you are valued and respected. We all make mistakes in life, it's whether you take responsibility for them and do everything you can to put them right that counts.

"My H is full of remorse, doing all the things he should be, wants the marriage to work, has answered all my questions to the point where I am done asking them all the time."

Yep. Mine did that too. Had individual counselling, we went to marriage counselling. I actually do think that he's become a better person as a result.

But, the fact is, I don't trust him and I don't respect him. That's no marriage, for either of us. BOTH of us deserve more. Those were my final words on ending the marriage, "I'm sorry but I just don't want to be married to you anymore." And I feel absolutely fine about it. No shame. I think, once it's broken, it's properly broken.

I genuinely wish him well, I'm pretty sure we'll be great co-parents and we've proved we can do family stuff together while separated so that gives me hope for the future.

Oh, and, this is just my experience but I found out a few more things after it was over. I know think he's been a serial cheat over our marriage. Six months ago, that would have destroyed me. Now, I genuinely don't care.

You're all worth so much more than these pathetic, pitiable cheaters xx

One thing that I said to the marriage counsellor: "He may have changed. But I've changed too."

Revenge it’s somfood to hear that you sound so positive. I already look at him like he’s a pathetic little man. I’m sure I’ll find out he’s cheated before. There’s been a shift in me, I just cannot live my life always second guessing him, that’s no life. Don’t think I can live with him though I’m just too angry and disgusted with him.

Three, at least your H is trying. You will look at him sometimes and think he’s pathetic, at least you’re only thinking it fleetingly xx

Have you got friends to lean on, Whatdoido17? They've basically kept me alive. The first time you hear your best friend say "I want to hear about you, I don't want to hear about that tool" is the first time you take a step towards freedom :)

Seriously, I may have PTSD and be half a stone underweight (as if that's bad?) but I am so much, nearly FREE and happy.

Oh, and Three: , but I love myself too

Hold onto that. xx

@Whatdoido17
He asked me if I ever thought about how he’s feeling and what’s he going through (ie my affair)

Sorry ... did you have an affair first? There's a few of these threads and I confuse them at times.

Reconciliation is hard work and I suspect he isn't prepared to do the heavy lifting involved.

Revenge yes I’ve told my closest friends and they’ve been great as our families don’t know.

Sandy he had an EA then I had an affair and he’s done this. I fully take responsibility for what I’ve done as he knows but before we can deal with things as a couple he needed to support me and help me through this time and he hasn’t.

Wow, lots has gone on here since I last posted. What, you are not a psycho on here and we are all calm. I'm going crazy with this too and that's why I'm on here for support! I totally understand that the reason you can't process is because he's not giving you all the answers. Mine is doing the same. He has booked a counselor for just himself for tomorrow night. I found out about the affair 2 1/2 weeks ago and I need answers and he gets shitty and says he needs to speak to the counselor first. I say I need an apology and he can't give me this until he sees the counselor. He doesn't feel guilty and needs to find out why from the counselor!! What, my husband has said he still thinks about moving out for a bit. Like you I am devastated - I thought he would fight for me, not be initiating moving out when he is the one that did this to me. So here I am being nice and loving so that he doesn't move out, because I love him and don't want him to go.

Everything everyone says on here makes perfect sense.

Threeandme, you mention that you don't respect and trust him anymore and even see him as a bit pathetic. I have glimpses of this feeling and am not sure that I will ever respect or trust my husband again either. Someone mentioned about a long affair being even worse - that he was able to lie to my face for 7 months. That is so true. Yet why do I still love him and desperately want this to work? I feel weak.

Hi all, I’d been avoiding this thread for a bit as I just needed to get on with things but having a sleepless night I’ve found myself coming back to you all. I haven’t got the energy right now to write much but so much you all say resonates with me me. It’s such a confusing time. Anyway I’m going to try and get some more sleep now.

"Yet why do I still love him and desperately want this to work? I feel weak."

Shellster, you're not weak. You're a human being who presumably treats people with decency. Your husband is not. He's not the man you thought he was, if he ever was. That's who you're grieving, someone who no longers exists or may not have even existed.

People who have long, deception-fuelled affairs are not normal. It is not normal behaviour to be able to lead a double life for that long without psychologically crumbling under the strain.

Please go and read ChumpLady. She explains all of this so well. And hugs to you all.

What I am sorry you're reaching that conclusion but if your H doesn't do anything to fix it I do believe you're taking the right decision.

I am now reading "How can I ever trust you again" and I can't digest everything but a lot is helping me. I am not certain what stage I am at I seem to be moving between stages a lot.

Sometimes (and much more than before) I feel I am numb and don't care much what is going to happen. Others I see hope of a better, stronger marriage. My H is doing everything right, instinctually which for me is a good sign but of course from time to time would say something stupid like "I want us to move on and focus on us and rebuilding what I fucked up". I then explain that so do I, that's what I am doing. In all honesty I do have moments when I am so angry that I am stuck. I seem to focus on little details that now bother me like the text he sent her to instate no contact and telling her it's over which I have read and said it is ok to send but now (11 weeks later) don't satisfy me anymore. Like he said I've decided to give my marriage another chance. That is flipping driving me crazy. He had no fucking decision, he was begging for chances from me at that point and promising me he'll to everything in his power to fix it. Sometimes I get fixated on something like that and cannot snap out of it. The text, I got fixated on it yesterday. Luckily he did the right thing and said to me something along the lines of "I can see this isn't helping you to progress, let's call her now and I can arrange a meeting and I can tell her face to face that I had no decision to make, that I was begging for chances, that she was a mistake and I only love you". Obviously I denied that it is a good idea to contact her and asked him not to do such thing but his willingness to do it helped me snap out of it.

I'm not sure we'll survive this as frankly there's no guarantee that's not a deal breaker for me. But I want at this point to be able to tell my kids that I did give him a chance. He's not a repeat offender and (as far as I can know) this is his first affair after so many years of marriage. There's no excuse to it (as I found out going around in circles about the why) and he knows if we survive there won't be another chance.

The reality I came to accept is that my trust is ruined not only in him but in all relationships so if I'd meet somebody else I'd live with the same baggage. Not because I don't believe that people can be faithful at all but because what we had in our marriage was a connection and a match that was close to perfection and then this happened. So I won't ever be able to believe that should I meet another man he'd be faithful to me.

I also became quite realistic about it (and I don't expect people to agree with me) and I started to believe that given the right circumstances and vulnerabilities everybody is capable of cheating because the consequences are not thought of at all. I know I didn't cheat but I came close to it a while ago, when all that stopped me was in fact the age of the guy, he was 10 years younger.

No I don't make excuses for my H and I am still not sure I'll be able to reconcile and recover our marriage. I am giving it a go because life isn't always black and white. I just know by his reactions that he didn't think of any of the consequences and now facing them he's shocked himself that it was him who did that.

For the man I used to know for so many years I think I am willing to take a risk and see where that takes me.

One thing is for sure, I am not the same person, I've changed and he needs to change himself and understand who is this person who surfaced and was willing to risk it all an ultimately what brought into his life, what gap it filled and is that gap now gone?

What helped me in the last few days was writing down a plan should I find out anything new at any time (this includes another affair in the past, him still being in touch with the ow, more important details about this affair and obviously another affair in the future). Then I discussed these with him and he knows what my plan is step by step. Down to visitation rights for the kids for example. This makes me feel in control.

Good luck to you all and I hope we all grow stronger by the day no matter the path we choose.

Queen, I hope typing your short message on here helped you get the sleep you needed.

revenge, what you say makes perfect sense. I'm grieving the man I thought existed in my life that now I realise isn't. I'm booked in to see a counselor and will bring up that very point about what sort of person can lead a double life for so long.

Broken, I am in exactly the same boat as you. I have decided to give it another chance. My H's actions show that he is trying to fix things. He is trying to give me honest answers and sometimes I get hurt that they are not exactly what I need to hear, but I can see that he is trying to be truthful. But like you, my trust in him is ruined. That is a horrible change in our relationship to live with a man I have no trust in. He was having a bath the other day and I took the opportunity while the kids were distracted to read him our book on improving relationships. But I saw his little penis and all I could imagine was him rolling up a condom on it and f*#$ing her. It is so vivid in my mind.

How long ago did you find out revenge? It's nearly 3 weeks for me so maybe that's too soon and hoping I'll feel better towards him as time goes on. The pain that I'm going to live my life like this now, in a relationship where I see my husband as a dirty untrustworthy man depresses me, yet leaving and being a single mum depresses me too. There's just no right answer. My dream of a happy marriage and raising kids in a happy family is gone whichever path I choose.

Shellster, it took AGES for me to realise what I realise. I was in total shock for days (those were the suicidal, out of control moments). We separated for months, then tried to reconcile, then I realised it was never going to happen. Now I'm 14 months on from finding out (although not really from finding out - that's the thing, they're such liars you almost never find out anything straight away). Even now, I'm finding out things. Bu the difference is, I don't BLOODY CARE.

3 weeks is nothing. Think of it as a bereavement. You don't get over it so quickly. Lean on your friends, your family, us; just don't lean on your appalling partner x

Hello again. Yet again all your posts resonate with me. I find myself having difficulty processing it all at the moment (now 7 weeks in). We’ve been looking to rebuild our relationship but I’ve realised that I need to rebuild myself first.

The safety and security of having someone who loves and cherishes you has been ripped away and I’m left feeling vulnerable and insecure. I’m becoming needy, needing constant reassurance from him. It’s an unattractive trait and I despise myself for needing his reassurance after what he has done.

I know that giving things a go is the right thing as I want to know I’ve tried even if I walk away in the end. If I thought I could walk away now and it would stop the hurt then I would. But the hurt will still be there. I’ll still have to deal with it. Divorce will just bring a new set of hurt and I can’t face that right now.

Sorry for the me me me post. I’m struggling to look after myself let alone support others. Much love to you all.

Queen be gentle on yourself. I just recently stopped being needy and yes it may not be nice to show it as it makes you feel even more vulnerable but I thought "this is what I need and I am like now. I won't be like this forever. I don't actually care about his perception of me anymore as when I was a strong woman didn't make any difference whatsoever".

Don't think about what he needs, his perception of you just yet. Give yourself time to grief your loss and you will go stronger by the day.

You'll go back and forth through these stages, I am waiting to reach the I don't give a fuck stage and I think, at least today I am close to it.

I can't remember if he's still in the house or you are separated, I couldn't separate as I did need the reassurance constantly, my memory is short, his words means nothing so even if he'd say in the early stages that he loves me and adores me and show all the remorse (we've been through him crying, trying to self harm, tears and all you can imagine) the memory of what he says and does only stayed with me briefly and the moment we were at work I'd become a wreck again. So him being here and reassuring me helped.

Time is the only healer in this situation and the perpetrator becomes the healer. Only his actions and reassurance can help you heal.

And don't forget, not making a decision just yet is still making a decision. This is what keeps me alive, knowing I can call it a day whenever I want but choosing not to just yet.

Brokenlife you are so right not making a decision is making a decision. Our H’s are in no position to try and rush us into a decision they just have to take what we give and hope we are able to gradually forgive. I’m the same as you though focusing on the little things, that really in the whole scheme of things are irrelevant. It’s so hard not to.

Queen I told my husband last night that he has made me so insecure. There’s no way I want him to see me without make up or getting dressed. I feel like I can’t be relaxed around him anymore.

We reached the lowest we could last night. It was awful, I asked him if he felt used by her and he said yes! I went mental and said that If he didn’t care about her how could he feel used? He shouldn’t care! And I mean mental and I went for him. I literally went berserk and all my anger and frustration at his lack of any attempt to fight for me boiled over. It shocked us both and we eventually calmed down and had a really good talk. I still wanted us to finish then it dawned on me. I’m focusing on the OW he’s focusing on the OM, neither of us is thinking about the person we had our affairs with, they are completely irrelevant to us. That’s the only reason I’ve decided to give the marriage a go till April. We both have to try so hard to make it work. I don’t really want to talk about the affairs apart from in counselling or if one of us in real need to. Come April if things haven’t improved or changed then we will be getting divorced.

Hi hope everyone’s ok? I just need some advice. Even though I said I’d give the marriage a go I also told him I am in a knife edge and any little thing would send me over and that would be it. Tonight I’d just got in bed and he was on Facebook, I looked across and he was on someone’s profile and quickly got off it. I asked him what he was doing and he shows me a picture of three women who work for one of his clients. He said he knew who two were and was curious who the other one was. I’ve gone mad asking why he needed to know and he’s said he can’t believe me all he was doing was looking at a picture! But he wasn’t he’d looked at a picture and then actively gone on the girls Facebook page and lied about it. Am I overreacting? If I am I really need to know so I can talk myself round. It makes it worse that he can’t see a problem with it xx

@whodoi - what if you insisted he deactivates his FB? It's shit when there are so many threads being woven by a deceitful partner.

Wide awake since 3am mulling over my recent discovery. I've read the first chunk of posts - so sorry to all.

Posted to mark my space & will reread in the morning.

Oh so sorry to hear that practically! When did you find out? Everyone gives great advice on here. I’ve needed it as I haven’t told many people in RL, so it’s good to come and vent xx

It could have been genuine curiosity what. I sometimes look at peoples FB page's as a matter of interest.

I think you are in a really heightened state of anxiety and need to calm down a bit.

If certain things trigger you...then you need to let him know that. He may equally have his own triggers.

I think there needs to be patience with this on both sides. You've both betrayed each other and hopefully you both have an understanding of the 'why'.

I'm not sure if you're in therapy.

Thanks whatdoi - found out on Friday afternoon & still digesting it. I was looking for a flight info email on his PC as he flew to NY (work trip) on Friday eve. Then I saw an extra name on the booking. She's on his FB friends list. They flew out together and I'm floored - she's an old friend who's fallen on sad times & he booked her to go as well to cheer her up. Also saw details of a previous trip last August so this has been going on for months if not longer. I can't do anything until he's back on weds eve. Have txted & he says nothing physically is going on, they're in separate hotels. It stinks I have to say. Im at the angry txt/not sleeping stage. Thanks for the post and I'll read the thread as I'm floundering inevitably.

Keep strong all.