Husband cheated for second time

[harriettep123]

I’m 50 h 52 we’ve been married for 30years happily so I thought. 4 years ago he had a 3 year emotional affair with an ex school mate he reconnected with on Facebook, they later met for sex in a Travelodge. I wanted continue with the marriage and he swore it wouldn’t happen again. Guess what ? He went to a rugby game with some mates picked up a young girl in a bar and had sex in his hotel room, I found out because he was guarding his phone while we were on a mini break in Spain. When we got back I got on his phone and they’d stayed in contact sexting on WhatsApp and arranging to meet again. Obviously I went ballistic and asked him to leave , he won’t and six months later he’s still here in the spare bedroom, as he LOves ME , lol !
Also last week I got on his web history on the iPad, he’s been using porn sites, dating sites and looking at escort girls in our area and in his home town where his parent live. I’ve made an appointment with a solicitor on Monday, but pathetically I still love him. I’m in pieces on antidepressants please help me to be strong. I know what I’d say to someone in my position so why can’t I be more pro-active ?Anyone else experienced this ?

I don’t get it either ?

I think he's just trying to mess with your head OP

But does he realise he's basically admitting to you that he raped you?

By posting the papers I assume you mean his response papers (sorry can't remember what they are called)

But does he realise he's basically admitting to you that he raped you?
This is exactly what I was going to say.
Tell him that!
If it did happen (not likely) then he did it while you were asleep and unable to give permission so it's rape.
He'll soon back down when you tell him that.
If you've not had sex in a while I think you'd know as well.

By posting the papers I assume you mean his response papers

Hmm, not sure ... harriet said yesterday that she hadn't posted (presumably the original?) papers yet, and if so he won't have needed to respond yet

I'm afraid that, in my view, this isn't something he should have been able to interfere in at all - and were he not still living in the house it wouldn't have been possible. Come to that, why were such papers left in a place he could access the things, never mind post them ... and whose idea was it for him to do that?

Ah OK puzzled I wasn't sure what stage they were at.

If it's the case that it's the original divorce petition, I wouldn't trust this man to post a postcard, let alone important legal paperwork (that he doesn't want posted)

Yes I’m afraid it was my original response letters, I thought I’d hidden them in the cupboard, he was gone out of the house before I realised.
I think the knee jerk reaction was yes it dawned on him he DID rape me , got the silent treatment this morning don’t know what will happen when he gets home later 😢it just gets worse x

Oh harriet I'm so sorry that this has happened to you He really is a piece of work. At least it cements that you are totally doing the right thing. Do you feel you could talk to the police about this?

I'd assume he hasn't posted them to be honest. Speak to your solicitor

Time to get a lock on your door - and use it.

Time to get a lock on your door - and use it

Preferably the front door, with him on the other side of it

I thought I’d hidden them in the cupboard, he was gone out of the house before I realised

So if he just took the papers, rather than being asked or offering, what makes you say they've been posted? And why are you concerned about the silent treatment earlier and how he'll be tonight - isn't this exactly how you might expect him to behave, while he's not getting precisely his own way but is still in the house with you?

Is there anywhere else you can go?

Or would he move out willingly?

He didn’t post them, he’s playing mind games, Ive got the day off tomorrow so will look for a rental nearby

So where are the papers now ... ?

I’ve hidden them

He sounds desperate OP. Yes if you can, I'd find a cheap rental and let the solicitors deal with everything else, you shouldn't have to move out but better than staying with the headfuckery.

If he asks why you're moving tell him it's because you can't risk getting raped again.

I really think he's going to escalate stuff now he knows you're serious. Please take care of yourself and remember he's capable of anything. He's not the man you fell in love with and married and he's not your friend

I’ve hidden them

I'm surprised he let you have them back, frankly ... did he actually offer them or have you got them back some other way?

Remember to set up redirection of your post to your new address. Or do it now, so it goes to your son's or mum's address.
Then there's no chance of him getting hold of anything he shouldn't, after you move out.
(It takes a few days for redirection to be set up. Get a form at the Post Office.)

Are you sure you got all the right papers back from him?

if you don't remember its either a lie, or he drugged you, or both. Please lock your bedroom door, if its true it's rape.
He won't have sent the paperwork, (check his car? )
Isn't this now a little bit too much now? Tell him not to worry, Solictor has a copy, you signed them & they are in the hands of the Royal Mail.
remember you don't love him, you love who he used to be.

crossed posts

I haven’t posted for a while my Mum was diagnosed with cancer I’ve been nursing her and she passed away with me by her side 2 weeks ago. OH has stepped up and being really supportive nelping with the house etc not sure if he’s sees this as a way of getting in while I’m vulnerable, or the money I’ll be inheriting, he’s even done Xmas lol !
.Funeral,tomorrow but it’s all kicked off as my sisters don’t want him there and he wants to pay his respects to Mum feel like I’m stuck in a shit storm, you. couldn’t make this crap up could you ??

Oh Harriet how dreadful for you, my condolences.

Your sisters wishes are far more important than his, it is indicative of his inflated ego if he doesn't immediately defer to their wishes, also, perhaps your mum wouldn't mind ...your mum encouraged you to split with him remember.
As awful as this sounds, a man like him will use any situation to his advantage, including your vulnerability at a time like this, tell him to wait until you feel less emotional before you decide anything, if he has ANY respect for you he will.

I'm so very sorry for your loss. It must have been and still is a terrible time for you.

I don't see an issue with him paying his respects to your mum. That doesn't mean you have forgiven him or you're getting back with him.

Do you want him there? I understand your sisters don't...but what about you?

He came to the funeral ,it was ok. He’s being very helpful with all the stuff I’ve got to do but obvs I’m suspicious as I’m gonna get a large sum from my mums estate, I think he thinks he’s home and dry but after receding these posts I’m feeling stronger now xxx

Harriett I am sorry you have lost your mum. I’m sure it’s the last thing you want to do but you must take legal advice this week about the inheritance. Sadly he will use this to try and get back with you, especially if your mum was a major support to you. I am so sorry for your loss.

So so sorry about your Mum :( please take legal advice about your inheritance. The last thing you need right now is him trying to take half of what your mum leaves you. I’m thinking you should file the divorce papers ASAP before any money is given to you. Really feel for you xxx