Husband cheated for second time

[harriettep123]

I’m 50 h 52 we’ve been married for 30years happily so I thought. 4 years ago he had a 3 year emotional affair with an ex school mate he reconnected with on Facebook, they later met for sex in a Travelodge. I wanted continue with the marriage and he swore it wouldn’t happen again. Guess what ? He went to a rugby game with some mates picked up a young girl in a bar and had sex in his hotel room, I found out because he was guarding his phone while we were on a mini break in Spain. When we got back I got on his phone and they’d stayed in contact sexting on WhatsApp and arranging to meet again. Obviously I went ballistic and asked him to leave , he won’t and six months later he’s still here in the spare bedroom, as he LOves ME , lol !
Also last week I got on his web history on the iPad, he’s been using porn sites, dating sites and looking at escort girls in our area and in his home town where his parent live. I’ve made an appointment with a solicitor on Monday, but pathetically I still love him. I’m in pieces on antidepressants please help me to be strong. I know what I’d say to someone in my position so why can’t I be more pro-active ?Anyone else experienced this ?

I just can’t understand how he thinks I should suck it up and move on, deluded!!

Because the alternative will involve inconvenience to him

Yes he's deluded, but sadly he believes that he's entitled to behave like this, as in why's she making such a fuss? It was only a couple of women ... except it will be more of course, and even more than that if you stayed with him

For this to stand even the remotest chance he'd need to change his entire attitude, accept responsibility and really work - for years if necessary - to repair what he's done

Unfortunately the willingness just isn't there, is it?

he’s saying it was Only a couple of women - that you know about, that he's admitting to.

He's not going to change, is he? He's not sorry, he's just pissed off that you're being difficult about it. He believes he has the right to do this stuff, whether you are happy about it or not.

Are you still doing stuff for him, or is he completely fending for himself in the house?

Next time he goes out for a night at a casino, call a locksmith. Problem solved.

He sounds really classy doesn’t he?

If he thinks this is normal, ask him how he’d feel if you fucked a colleague. I bet he wouldn’t be quite so sanguine about that.

You know what you have to do op. Get your ducks on a row and leave.

I hear you all and thankyou, I just can’t equate this weirdo and it sounds so much worse when you explain it all, with the husband I adored, it’s baffling that he’d risk everything for a quick shag with a slag !

Yeh, sticking rigidly to the ''can't believe you have a problem with this'' script is easier for him than to say yeh, i'm weak, i failed, i'm sorry. Obviously he's invested in to keeping the focus on whey you can't/won't accept something that is no big deal (he says) than to turn the focus on to his disrespectful treatment of you

I done it, I’ve filed for divorce, he’ll get a letter soon. Can’t believe he’s pushed me to this, feel gutted yet relieved x

Well done

Can we all have our noses pressed to the window to watch him open that letter?

Well done OP.

Well done! His loss. Your gain.

The incredulous poor me card is being played, he thought he’d been “fighting”for the marriage but I’m just throwing it all away , as he just made a “ mistake “lol , so stereotypical !all my fault as usual he seems more pissed off than upset TBH 😟

Well done. You've told him then? Is he going to leave now? He has a very funny way of 'fighting for the marriage'.

Brilliantly well done, Harriet ... this won't have been easy, but I'm sure you know you're doing the right hing

This was soooo hard , I’m trying to be mega strong, he’s gone off out to the pub now so will come back drunk I expect. I KNOW I’ve done the right thing but ...... see what happens in the next few days re moving out etc 😟😟😟

If you haven't already, can you get copies of relevant paperwork, such as savings, salary & pension - just in case he tries to hide things. And please reassure us that you are not cooking, cleaning and washing for him.

Can I ask if your solicitor had any views on how you might get him to leave the house?

Also please be very watchful once he gets the letter, especially as he's drinking ... that "poor me" could easily turn into something worse if he's got so little empathy that, instead of regret, he's showing annoyance

I can’t force him to leave as it’s in joint names so see what he does. Luckily I take care of literally everything including finances so luckily he’ll be more in the dark than me. I’m just cooking at the mo as our daughter is still,at home . My anxiety feels better tonight surprisingly !

Best wishes for the future

3 years?!

He has well and truly checked out if the marriage. He said he wanted to be with you but his actions proved otherwise.

Is he afraid of the financial consequences if you were to split?

I'm baffled.

How exactly was he 'fighting for the marriage', while having sex with another woman?

Well done, surely the future can only be better than the last few years of pain.

Expect him to soil his underpants, more and more in the next few days, as he realises you mean it....

Oh, and make sure his washes his own underpants !!!!!