Husband cheated for second time

[harriettep123]

I’m 50 h 52 we’ve been married for 30years happily so I thought. 4 years ago he had a 3 year emotional affair with an ex school mate he reconnected with on Facebook, they later met for sex in a Travelodge. I wanted continue with the marriage and he swore it wouldn’t happen again. Guess what ? He went to a rugby game with some mates picked up a young girl in a bar and had sex in his hotel room, I found out because he was guarding his phone while we were on a mini break in Spain. When we got back I got on his phone and they’d stayed in contact sexting on WhatsApp and arranging to meet again. Obviously I went ballistic and asked him to leave , he won’t and six months later he’s still here in the spare bedroom, as he LOves ME , lol !
Also last week I got on his web history on the iPad, he’s been using porn sites, dating sites and looking at escort girls in our area and in his home town where his parent live. I’ve made an appointment with a solicitor on Monday, but pathetically I still love him. I’m in pieces on antidepressants please help me to be strong. I know what I’d say to someone in my position so why can’t I be more pro-active ?Anyone else experienced this ?

[gunsandbanjos]

Bless him stuck in the small spare room, how heartless of you, perhaps he shouldn't have banged someone else in a travelodge then.

[SchnitzelVonKrumm]

He’d be much more comfortable in the Travelodge.

[SandyY2K]

He's getting so desperate and is talking nonsense now... blaming the anti depressants....because you couldn't possibly decide all by yourself that you've had enough of his cheating.

Stay strong.

You can do this. Anytime he spews nonsense about doing everything to save the marriage.... tell him you'll try and save the marriage by sleeping with another man and see how you can progress from there.

[lurkingwithlove]

You need to disengage OP or he'll keep trying to worm his way back in, playing the victim and minimising. He's trying to gaslight you, it's like he read the how to be a cheating wanker textbook.

Can you stick to something like "there's nothing left to discuss" and walk away? Each and every time until he fucks off?

Arguing or explaining will only give him a foot in the door. That door needs to be shut now.

[RosyWelshcakes]

i bet your son knows of more of your H's infidelity than you do. That's why he's encouraging you to get divorced

Pls don’t plant that thought in the Ops mind when all the son may actually know is that his mum deserves better full stop.

[MrsMotherHen]

What a piece of shit! Keep strong you deserve so much better.

[AgathaF]

Rather than alternate sleeping in your bed, he really needs to sort himself out with somewhere else to live now.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Good grief, he's a piece of work.
As already said - you really couldn't make this shit up!
HE doesn't want a divorce!?
Of course he doesn't.
He wants you to brush it all under the carpet and not bother him about it all anymore.
Get back to being the little woman at home putting up with his lying, cheating ways!
Jeez, he's a fucking prick!
Stay strong. You are doing so well.
Do NOT alternate the bedroom arrangement.
Tell him, if he wants a bigger bedroom then the Travelodge is pretty cheap.
I really wanna smack him for you!

[SandyY2K]

Pls don’t plant that thought in the Ops mind when all the son may actually know is that his mum deserves better full stop.

It's based on my experience with several couples and I'm entitled to express my view.

Most children... even adult children like their parents to stay together .... they often hide their parents indiscretions out of fear they'll split up.... hid active encouragement is like many others I've worked with in a professional capacity.


It's all the more reason not to cave OP. *You're doing great.

[BitOutOfPractice]

He's following the script to the letter (it was nothing, I love you, this is your fault, you're mad...). I wonder if he realises what a walking talking cliche he is

If he doesn't like the spare room, he could always check into a travellodge...

[Herschellmum]

Massive hugs OP ... his behaviour really is shocking but it’s good you have people supporting you though this. Be strong, you can get through this.

[harriettep123]

This morning he’s grovelling crying begging , he wants me forever,
will change won’t go out , will go to counselling anything I want basically being so loving and nice , wobbling again 😢

[Mxyzptlk]

He's had lots of time to change. What has he done during that time?

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

I’m feeling sad and vulnerable like I just want my husband back but I know a few months down the line nothing will,have changed and he’ll be bored of “being good” . I’ve read the script and my situation is to a T

Read again what you wrote last Thursday, Harriet, and try to remember that this is someone who's had a 3 year affair, then bedded someone after the rugby event, then went right on searching for hookers even after you'd discovered all of this. At any time he could have chosen to stop but didn't because he believed you'd let it go, so you know without doubt that even the slightest weakness on your part will be a massive green light for him to carry right on

Your wobbling is completely natural, but because of his cruelty he'll try to work on this in his own interests. Anyone truly remorseful would do whatever you ask, but no; as with his recent hideous remarks, all that matters to him is his own selfish agenda, and if that means breaking you down then that's what he'll attempt if it means getting his own way

I'm just wondering if it would be worth saying you can only consider what he wants if he gets out and leaves you alone for an unspecified period to do it in? If he did, it would at least give you a break to get your head together - and if he refuses that's yet more proof that your interests simply don't matter to him

Either way you'll get no help from someone who's so amply demonstrated exactly what he thinks of you, so you might as well start putting yourself first in practice for the future

[springydaffs]

He's never going to change.

Remember that when you're wobbling.

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

He is a lying, cheating, coward of a man who could have given you an STD. You stick to your guns, missy! You can do this.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Re-read your posts.
He's a feckin' slimy scumbag and you now know that.
He must make your skin crawl???
He's a manipulative twat.
Even your DS and DM are behind you.
Don't put yourself through this again.
You are doing so well.
Keep that resolve.

[SandyY2K]

this is someone who's had a 3 year affair, then bedded someone after the rugby event, then went right on searching for hookers even after you'd discovered all of this. At any time he could have chosen to stop but didn't because he believed you'd let it go,

so you know without doubt that even the slightest weakness on your part will be a massive green light for him to carry right on

^ Yes.

He's really scared about the financial implications.... that's why many stay in the first place.

Can I ask if you had proof his 3 year affair was not physical? Was the distance too far?

That's a long time for an EA.

[troodiedoo]

Think of that whiney noise he's making as the sound of shit hitting the fan @harriettep123 it's bullshit don't fall for it.

If you're going through hell, keep going!

[RosyWelshcakes]

It's based on my experience with several couples and I'm entitled to express my view.

Yes youre entitled to express your view but its hardly professional to say 'I bet your son knows more of your husbands infedility than you do'

I bet????? Are you sure you're a professional

[RosyWelshcakes]

OP, I'm sorry you're hurting so much. Please try to ignore the tears etc and just know that you deserve better than what you're husband had planned for you as his wife.

He'll change? I'm sorry but he won't. He is who and what he is.

Oh and never forget that if you stay with him you'll have nothing but years of it all being about him because he's trying to change. It's a cheats charter.

[VivaLeBeaver]

At the moment he has best of both worlds. Shagging who he wants with the comfort of the marital home. Hope you're not cooking or doing his laundry! Fair enough he won't leave but if you divorce him and the house is sold he will have to!

[juneau]

not many men would or could turn down a young women for sex in their 50s

Oh give me strength! What a load of bollocks. Many, many men would turn down a quick shag with a 20-something in order to be faithful to their life partner. You might be gagging for it with some young woman (and indeed many older women may well fantasise about a younger, firmer body than the one they sleep next to), but most people put the love and respect they have for their family and the realisation of what they stand to lose before the urges in their pants.

[VivaLeBeaver]

Gods sake don't wobble. At 50yo you have plenty of years to carve out a happy, relaxed future for yourself. Not a miserable one with him being a head fucker. He will shag someone else again. He is acting like mad at the minute to get you to cave in, he doesn't mean it.