Awful evening...wwyd?

[eveningfromhell]

At a friend's wedding with boyfriend of several years.

He has some health issues and is uncomfortable standing or sitting for prolonged periods.

At about 9 he said he was going to go up to bed. I asked him to stay another half hour. He agreed.

About 40 mins later I said did he want to go up. He refused. I asked a few more times, same answer. Finally about 11, he was clearly in pain. I asked him to go, he said no again. Wouldn't discuss it. I said I'd had enough of this, picked up my drink and walked outside.

2 mins later he stormed past me and up to our room, collected his stuff and is now apparently sleeping in his car overnight.

I have tried to get him to come back in. He won't. I've had to leave him outside as he said of I kept on he'd drove home ( I'd then be stuck here). He shouted at me for making a scene (when I was crying, asking him to come back inside). He's annoyed that I prevented him from going to bed when he wanted to.

I feel like utter shit. I feel like a bit of the love I,had for him has just ebbed away. I'm also now sat alone in a £150 a night room.

Your row wasn’t because you were selfish or he is controlling. Your row appears from what you said to be through frustration , tiredness and pain (on his part).
It’s fine to ask someone to stay a little longer. That’s a question not a demand.
It’s ok for him to get the jump occasionally.
Sleeping in the car and insisting on staying downstairs was silly. Result was he wound himself up and reacted over the top.
You didn’t cause a scene. Lots of people would have cried in your situation.
A conversation on how he felt , how you felt and accepting the situation was out of hand is needed. Also how you move forward. How to pick up on signals on what the other is thinking on both sides.
Some posters responses are over the top but that’s Mumsnet for you.

Ceto these are direct quotes from the OP:

Clearly that makes me a horrible person.

Again I suppose that's me being selfish.

Ergo I'm not a nice person apparently.

Christ, there are some seriously ableist arseholes here on this thread. We don't know the full story. Perhaps he is a martyr and full of shit, or perhaps she is constantly giving him a hard time for not being able to do what she wants him to do and this was the last straw. We can't know can we? I'm disturbed by how many people are automatically assuming that he's exaggerating his pain to abuse her - although based on how the general public behave towards those with invisible disabilities I can't say I'm surprised.

OP - only you know if your behaviour has been selfish and minimising leading up to this. Clearly we don't.

This man has lost his child, this year and has chronic pain.

I think he can be forgiven for stomping off and staying in his car.

He must be going through hell

OP I have a chronic illness that would stop me from doing things. So like your DP, I would struggle to stay let's say past 9.30pm at a wedding.

Imwoiod find it really annoying if my DP was always 'forgetting' that I can't do x and y. Or proposing for me to do x and y when the obvious answer will be no.

However, this is not the case for you. It seems that you asked on that specific day and for very specific reasons but that this is not a normal thing. And that you are normally very considerate tomhis needs. Which makes your comment during the wedding night totally ok in my books.

However, what isn't ok is your DP reaction. There was no reason for him to stay that late, bar making a point. There was no reason for him to stay in the car (that was very childish). In effect, his reaction seemed totally disproportionate to the event.

This is probably the sort of reaction I would have with H, who I am thinking of getting divorced with because he is taking no notice at all of my limitations, is constantly being dismissive and has spent a lot of years telling me I was just lazy (until I finally got my diagnosis by a consultant). So really nit the same ball park at all.

And YY about the fact that losing his child will have had a major impact on him and his MH.
And YY about taking that into account.

However, this doesn't allow him to expect his partner to guess his every single thought and feeling, to know he really couldn't stand it any more etc... and that asking him to stay half an hour more was just too much.

It akes me wonder if there isn't something else going on there.
Eg he didn't want to fo the wedding but didn't say so or felt he had to.
He generally feels he has to put in a brave face and that last incident was the last straw et etc.

But if he could have stayed another half an hour he wouldn't have said he needed to leave, would he?

In which case he should have said no. To paraphrase that famous MN phrase, it was an invitation (to stay) not a summons.

contortionist - thank you! I knew I hadn't imagined it, but am on my phone and couldn't find them.

There doesn't have to be just one person wrong here.

And as for the DP being able to go to bed when the op said she didn't want him to, the OP could also have taken his later refusal to go to bed at face value, instead of then persistently saying he should go to bed.

I'm not saying his reactions were great, they evidently weren't. But just like some posters are recognising bad signs from her partner, I am recognising signs from the OP.

Several posts have given food for thought.

I am defensive. But aren't most people? I often feel attacked - not by my boyfriend I hasten to add. I have in my life been on the end of a lot of (unfair) criticism, harassment, abuse even, though I know that is an emotive word. I defend myself because there is no one else who will. Just yesterday I asked neighbours children not to ride their bikes on my driveway and garden (as I don't want them scratching my car - and there's no need for them to be there). They completely ignored me and then sat outside my house discussing how fat I was, how I dressed like a witch and how my make up makes me look like a clown. They are 8-9. Hence why I was steaming when he arrived.

He is angry at the world. He's not had an easy time or a good hand, objectively speaking, and I understand him railing against it because I've felt similarly at points in my own life. But we're meant to be a team - last night it didn't feel like we were on the same side. I accept my part in that.

I thought he was the person I'd spend the rest of my life with. I am not rushing to throw it away. That said, I was largely on my own for a decade before we met. Being alone holds no fears. That said, I was alone a long time. Friends used to call me Bridget (Jones). I was always unaccompanied at social events, either because I was single or dating the kind of unreliable man who wouldn't turn up. It's been lovely not being the odd singleton at events. Think Bridget at Magda and Jeremy's dinner. That was always me. I've been so proud to be with him. We usually have a great time. Yesterday just didn't go well. I don't think really he wanted to be there with hindsight. The fact people didn't speak to us, even though I really tried, compounded it. I don't know what more I could have done. How do you make people talk to you?

So I'm not scared of being alone. I hope we can overcome this. I'm not a mind reader though and he will have to communicate what his issues are, and understand I'm on his team. I don't know what the outcome will be but I'm going into it prepared to admit was wrong, and to be open and honest.

If I were you I’d show him or send him what you just wrote. Sums it up perfectly and sounds very balanced. for you.

You sound much more balanced about it all this evening. I'm sorry if I was harsh before. I hope you guys can have a proper conversation on Sunday and that things resolve.

Oh dear, OP. Sounds to me like, on some level, you got tired of your dumb mundane friends going on and on and on about your shameful single status, and when this man, with all his self-obsession and whinyarsery, showed up in your life, you leapt at the chance not to be single and therefore did your best to overlook the fact that he's not much of a catch.

He sounds like a total bore I'd bin him off

How did the journey home go?

He really isn't a bore and honestly I didn't settle, or grab the first man who came along. He's one of very few men I've met in my life who are on my level (intellectual/ financial/ career/ life goals etc) and who I also find physically attractive. Communication between us used to be very good. We have lost that somewhere along the way, I think because of the events of the past year.

He hasn't behaved well. But then I could have handled it better too. We have had much better times, he has brought a lot of joy to my life, encouraged me to pursue some goals I thought were unattainable. Been a positive influence on my children. There has been a lot more good than bad over 4 years, but things have changed now and we'll have to see what comes of our discussion.

Gah, I just had flashbacks there to an emotionally abusive ex. The martyr. He owed me a shitload of money and agreed to work at my mother’s house abroad for a few weeks while unemployed to repay a small part of it. She is a total sweetheart and didn’t just want to treat him as a labourer, so tried to make him feel really welcome by offering nice wine and delicious meals, as she is an amazing cook. But he felt hard done by that we actually accepted his offer to work off some of his massive debts. In hindsight, it probably wasn’t a sincere offer and he didn’t expect to be actually doing it. So, he was a seething mass of resentment and refused to eat her meals. He was very gaunt towards the end of the stay. There was plenty of delicious food there but he thought he would somehow punish her by starving himself. My mother is made of emotionally sterner stuff and did not lose her appetite. I came over towards the end of his stay to drop him back to the airport the next day. He disdainfully accepted a delicious baguette with deli stuff from me, after I went to a store miles away to get it, despite there being loads of bread and gorgeous stuff in the fridge. I felt like clobbering him with it. Anyway, in the split second, he turned to pour some wine in his glass, my mother’s greyhound nabbed the baguette and run off with at record speed, happily munching it just out of reach. He then refused to return inside the house and eat anything else. After years of this shit, I no longer felt guilt tripped and my mum and I actually sniggered and cuddled the thieving hound, while comfortably lounging on the sofas inside.

Ignore the childish brat. Hope he has a really uncomfortable night to achieve maximum martyrdom.

Appolinaire . That was a lovely, thoughtful post.

OP, I don't have much else to add. I just wanted to say that your posts tonight show you to be quite self-aware. I genuinely hope things work out for you both XX

I myself suffer from an auto immune disease and suffer chronic pain. My DP is the sort of person that never sits still. We always find a compromise when ever we are out for the day. He has a love of car shows and country shows, I love to go with him but he understands that I get tired and need to sit down and rest during the day. I will happily spend half an hour in the restaurant area having a coffee while he wonders about on his own. When I'm ready to move on I text him and he comes back for me. In 5 yrs, I can honestly say that we have never had a fall out over my health problems.

I really don't understand this storming off to sleep in the car business. He should have just gone to bed and rested for a while, he may have recovered enough to rejoin you later. If not, he could just sleep and know you were having a nice time with the other guests.

If you two decide to stay together then you both need to think of each other. If he needs to rest then you must listen, likewise if you wish to continue your night out then he should allow it without all this drama.

Is your DPs health likely to deteriorate? if so, this situation could get worse, you should be sure you are prepared for that. If not, I would seriously consider your future together.

Seriously, this thread is bizarre. Dp says he is going to bed; op says “could you stay a little longer until 9.30?” Dp then has 2 options 1) okay I’ll stay a little longer 2) honestly I’m really uncomfortable/in pain so I really need to lay down
That’s it. Op was completely fair in asking and dp is a grown up and capable of answering rather than the martyr passive aggressive shit he’s pulling now. Claims op is making it all about her, we yes, just because he’s had a truly shit year doesn’t mean it trumps any feelings op has.

What a sad thread

OP moving forward i think your DP endures so much trauma that he needs some talking therapy.

And i also would consider some couples counselling for you both to help you both communicate.

It sounded a really stressful situation for him to be in , and i would really think about in the future how you can minimise having stressful situations in your lives. For eg really thinking about whether social occasions like that are worth going to.

Look at want you both want - and then look at how you can both achieve that. What is going to hinder , and what is going to help you both .

Oh god. He sounds like a passive aggressive drama queen. Been there. Get out - its only going to ever be about him. Imagine if it had been an event important to him and you'd wanted to leave at 9pm. No, I didnt think so - that would not have been okay with him. Run. Really. Leave him in the car.

Just wanted to add that I have a chronic health issue and suffered bereavement when much younger and more recently. I understand that anger is one of the stages of grieving. But I also feel that both illness and a tragic loss are not ever an excuse to use your loved ones as emotional punch bags. The OP has done nothing wrong. But I would really re-evaluate if this is an ongoing behaviour. I loathe passive aggressive sulkers and would walk away unless that is one isolated incident. He owes you an apology, not the other way round. Unless, he shows some genuine regret during your talk on Sunday for spoiling a special event on purpose, I would seriously consider your future with him. He could have just gone to bed, that's it but he deliberately ensured that you felt bad and had a dreadful night. That's low!

When you hear about people’s lives imploding after the death of a child, often it’s self-sabotaging in just the way your DP is doing. And who can blame him, truly? Yes his behaviour was shitty, but the man has buried a child this year, amongst other things.

By the same token, often when you hear of couples surviving traumas such as the loss of a child, it’s through sheer kindness, understanding, and forgiveness - time and time again. Hard hard work.

Reading your thread, honestly at the nub of it all is not very much. It truly was a tiny thing that escalated and blew up. It was about each of you feeling the other wasn’t thinking of them enough.

Maybe on Sunday, whatever you discuss and however it ends up, you can agree to scratch this wedding fiasco from the conversation, accept you were both a bit in the wrong, and focus on the good things about each other. See if there’s enough there to salvage and continue together with.

I feel for the both of you. It’s not easy to find someone on your level, all the more so when you’ve both already got kids. Good luck.

I think you have been quite sympathetic to your partner. He wanted to go to bed you asked him to stay for another half an hour which he agreed to. I also think he is grieving and needs some support maybe from his GP. You have apologised I don't think you needed to. Like you said he agreed to stay for another half an hour.

Have a think about what you want and don't hold back when you get to speak to him. I think you both need a honest and frank conversation.