Awful evening...wwyd?

[eveningfromhell]

At a friend's wedding with boyfriend of several years.

He has some health issues and is uncomfortable standing or sitting for prolonged periods.

At about 9 he said he was going to go up to bed. I asked him to stay another half hour. He agreed.

About 40 mins later I said did he want to go up. He refused. I asked a few more times, same answer. Finally about 11, he was clearly in pain. I asked him to go, he said no again. Wouldn't discuss it. I said I'd had enough of this, picked up my drink and walked outside.

2 mins later he stormed past me and up to our room, collected his stuff and is now apparently sleeping in his car overnight.

I have tried to get him to come back in. He won't. I've had to leave him outside as he said of I kept on he'd drove home ( I'd then be stuck here). He shouted at me for making a scene (when I was crying, asking him to come back inside). He's annoyed that I prevented him from going to bed when he wanted to.

I feel like utter shit. I feel like a bit of the love I,had for him has just ebbed away. I'm also now sat alone in a £150 a night room.

I was following this thread and hesterton has it spot on.

OP, not the same as pain but I have a lovely DH who had a very abusive childhood and has some deep seated issues, mainly social anxiety - and there have been points in our relationship where we have fallen into a similar pattern that I can see you and your DP have.

You want to be supportive but part of you also wants a "normal life"; you don't want to have to cut your evenings short etc, but your DP does. You probably "only asked him to stay for half an hour" but I can easily imagine you were giving off signals (also clear in your subsequent posts about expensive wedding, B&G's effort etc) that you weren't happy with him leaving early really.

People who are suffering with things that can limit their lives in some way are very aware of the affect it has on others, especially their DP's, and I can imagine it was very difficult for him. The fact that he has recently lost a child as well and is probably suffering emotionally as well as physically really compounds his issues.

What you need to accept is that you're not wrong to feel frustrated or let down by stuff like this, and neither is he. Neither of you are wrong to feel the way you do, both of you are entitled to your feelings. But you have to be realistic and supportive of him, and the defensive way you argue that "you must be so selfish" and "so horrible" etc shows that you may know on some level that you have fallen into this pattern. I know because I've been there myself, so I know it's not easy to deal with or acknowledge.

You both get stuck in a self pitying cycle are don't see eye to eye, and then you seek out little victories (not quite the right word) of getting the reassurance that you are looking for - e.g. staying out later with him. Really if you want it to work you both need to stop being passive aggressive martyrdom and accept that things will be hard in some situations and deal with it together, openly. There is genuinely nothing worse than sitting giving each other the cold should because you are both hurt, and not resolving things properly.

I don't understand why the OP is getting such a hard time here.

I think it could be due to the fact that OPs complaints are her night ruined, she’s shit, she’s horrible, she cried in the car park barefoot, what will the BG think. But then mentions her DP is depressed and has recently lost a child in a seemingly non chalant way. ‘I don’t know if that’s even had an effect on him tonight’ (paraphrasing, but the phrase is there about).

Yes, he’s overreacted, but as a pp said the sleeping in the car is very likely a self sabotage, not ‘controlling’ behaviour.
This is a person who has a severe pain condition, is depressed and whose child died this year. I think irrational behaviour is to be expected.

Can you imagine an OP posting this from the DPs point of view, and being told ‘your ill health and death of a child is no excuse’.

Shifty I didn't tell the op she'd had too much to drink. I certainly didn't say I didn't believe that she wasn't drunk . I suggested that sometimes even a few drinks can make a situation seem worse than it really is.

Op I hope you're ok and that this mess gets sorted out.

His child died a maximum of ten months ago, likely less.

I don't think I'd necessarily be thinking of any other factor right now really.

You didn't do anything wrong by asking him to stay for a bit, but forget about blame and going over it. It's not your fault and given the circumstances it's not really his either.

If at all possible, text and say you would like to check he's ok and make sure he has breakfast and that you'll get the train home if he would prefer to drive back alone.

It really does sound like he might be better off not in a relationship right now.

Even a small amount of alcohol combined with prescription medication can make a huge difference to normal behaviour.

I don't think it is 'no excuse' but what is OP supposed to do? Live her entire life on eggshells? OP has already said that she has tried to encourage him to seek help for his depression and that he has refused. She asked her partner to stay - a request which was quite ordinary. He could have said no. OP hasn't said that his ill health and bereavement are 'no excuse'.

Yes she overreacted when it all kicked off but I can understand that - you're upset, you're emotional...it happens. Just as I can understand that her partner must be horrendously depressed and in an awful place because he's lost a child. But him having lost a child does not give him an excuse to treat OP like shit. I know he's grieving. But he is responsible for communicating how he feels - it's unreasonable to expect people to second guess and mind read and then snap at them when they get it wrong.

It very much sounds to me like this is not a good relationship for you. Have breakfast, make a plan, avoid any more drama. Good luck op.

Who gets married on a Thursday?

Perfectly ordinary people! I got married on a Tuesday.

You shouldn't have asked him to stay longer. Adults can choose when they leave a party/go to bed and I'd be pissed off if my DP tried to make me stay longer at something than I wanted to.

Having said that, his flouncing off was very OTT, so I think on balance he's been a bit more U.

I’ve been following this thread since I woke up at 04:30 😴 I’m not sure there’s much future in this relationship. I suggest you make the best of the immediate situation OP, go out, offer him breakfast, you can go home together or separately, it seems to me like you might not live together. But longer term you need to think of this really has a chance of working out, there seems to be a lot of issues on both sides.

You sound very hard work OP. I know you feel hurt and he has acted childishly but I am feeling eye rolly just reading the constant “woe is me” passive aggressive asides you keep making. I can kind of see both sides.

I don’t have any personal experience but I would imagine if he is only comfortable in a semi lying position and had been with you sitting or standing since 1pm that he had every right to go to the room. And I would also assume that if you’re in a relationship with someone who has back problems to that extent you have to put that issue ahead of your own needs a lot of the time. If that’s something you can’t do then it doesn’t sound like it can work between you. You also sound a bit overly concerned about what people might think despite not even knowing many of them

I've not read every single post but I've read all the Ops posts and I do get an air of everything is about me! You're crying outside in your bare feet, you're in your room crying missing the wedding, you didn't want to be left on your own at the wedding, you wanted him to stay up so as not to upset the b&g, you want to go home on the train so you don't have to put up with a silent car journey.
If I was in pain and my partner asked me to stay up for another half hour I would have either said yes or no, not stayed up for 2 hours then storm off in a rage, I get the feeling that maybe it's a constant occurrence and he's worn down by not meeting your expectations OR you're just not right for each other and it's time to end it!

So many times on here I have seen the advice that if an argument seems to be getting out of hand it's best to walk away and remove yourself from the situation.

It seems to me this is what this bloke has done. The OP does seem to be disproportionately upset about what is essentially a row when he was in pain and a situation he found very stressful and the OP had been drinking.

I think he did the right thing. OP, bearing in mind that you have been posting on here constantly since 1am, can you honestly say that you would have left it alone? Because I don't think you would. You seem to be in an extreme tizz about this and given 8 hours of night time posting on MN not to mention chasing him about barefoot and crying, it's really, really hard to believe you would have let it lie.

I really think he did the right thing by putting some space between you and letting things cool down.

Pathetic drama
He'd had enough of you and got himself another room

The fact you said his recent loss might not have been a factor tonight says it all.

I agree Ambon it seems the loss of his child is an after thought that couldn't possibly effect his mood, frame of mind and tolerance of general shit in his life!

I wouldn't be attempting to open up dialogue - I'd simply text - I'm making my own way back. I think we both need some time apart from one another, take care.

He needs some head space by the sound of things...

If you travel back with him I'm guessing you'll be on the receiving end of the silent treatment.

I'd give him one chance to stop behaving like this. Go out and apologise for asking him to stay another 30 minutes. Then ask if he is coming in to get showered and have breakfast. If he says no and continues to blame you for everything then just leave him to it and get the train home.

god, what a shit way to behave at a wedding. grow up both of you. What a lovely day you both should have had instead your acting like children. Do you really think none of the other guests would not have noted this silly behaviour.

how nice to be asked to someones wedding a special day, spleeping in cars and crying all night really.

So you went to the trouble of looking for his car but didn't want to try and resolve the argument? What a waste of time..
I'm sorry you had a disappointing evening but it's getting silly now..

About the loss of his child: Was he in contact with the child/the child's mother? Did he pay maintenance? The fact that OP barely mentioned it until well into the thread suggests that the child barely figured in OP's life (or she would have been upset about the child's death, too).
Again, it's not unheard of for a dickhead of a man to have nothing to do with his child because he's dumped the child's mother but, if he's an attention-seeker he might well make a big deal out of the death even if he hadn't seen the child for years, because it's a great sympathy-grabber.

Everything OP has posted suggests this man is a self-pitying dick prone to exaggeration; he wants her constantly anxious and on the back foot; he doesn't seem to like her being in contact with other people; any time she tries to raise a problem he threatens to dump her if she doesn't shut up and do as she's told.

Do you actually live with him, OP? If not, just check out of the hotel, get home and get on with whatever you have to do today. He'll get in contact at some point, and then you can dump him.

OP, you are getting a very hard time here. It sounds as if you both could have handled things slightly differently in retrospect. There are lots of triggers in a wedding for stress- guests as well as B&G. They make us aware of our own relationships, families, children, losses, finances, social inadequecies etc. I hate weddings.

You need to get home - by car or train - and have a discussion about the way forward at home.

Horrible thing to happen. Hope you are both feeling better today

The grief of losing his child THIS YEAR will be overwhelming and he won’t be thinking straight. I think it sounds like he desperately needs grief counselling.