Awful evening...wwyd?

[eveningfromhell]

At a friend's wedding with boyfriend of several years.

He has some health issues and is uncomfortable standing or sitting for prolonged periods.

At about 9 he said he was going to go up to bed. I asked him to stay another half hour. He agreed.

About 40 mins later I said did he want to go up. He refused. I asked a few more times, same answer. Finally about 11, he was clearly in pain. I asked him to go, he said no again. Wouldn't discuss it. I said I'd had enough of this, picked up my drink and walked outside.

2 mins later he stormed past me and up to our room, collected his stuff and is now apparently sleeping in his car overnight.

I have tried to get him to come back in. He won't. I've had to leave him outside as he said of I kept on he'd drove home ( I'd then be stuck here). He shouted at me for making a scene (when I was crying, asking him to come back inside). He's annoyed that I prevented him from going to bed when he wanted to.

I feel like utter shit. I feel like a bit of the love I,had for him has just ebbed away. I'm also now sat alone in a £150 a night room.

I can't do right on this thread to some posters.

I'm uncaring and lacking empathy - I try to explain that whilst that one act probably was, generally I do try to be considerate. I know he can't stand for long, so I wouldn't suggest we did an activity that involved hours of standing. If we were in a pub, say. I'd keep an eye out for a vacant seat so as to pre empt him needing to sit down and being in pain because he couldn't. Yet somehow that's wrong and I shouldn't do it.

I didn't have to do this when we met as he wasn't in the same pain then. I'm not a rescuer. I'm trying to do the best I can in the situation I'm now in.

I don't believe I've called myself a monster?! I accept I am selfish. But through life I've found I had to put myself first or I get trampled, in life generally not in relationships per se. I'm no one's daughter, or sister. I don't have family. I've had to look after myself because there was no one else.

I accept I am partly to blame here. I accepted that last night and apologised there and then. I 'made a scene' if that's what you want to call it by shedding a few tears in front of him. No one else there. I didn't shout or scream. When he refused to speak to me, I went quickly and quietly back to my room. I didn't see anyone or disturb their evening. I then cried more when I got there, a mix of anger, tiredness, upset, disappointment, worry etc. Not hysterical sobbing just a normal cry.

You sound fine to me OP. Do think carefully about your relationship - it sounds hard work for little back.

I think you were selfish but he is a grown man and perfectly capable of saying that he really needed to leave. So blame on both sides. I hate flouncers but can also see you were U R too.

You can see this so that's good.

So now what?

Well what do you want to hear? You asked people their opinion on the situation and they are offering their insight, it is only a snapshot of who you are but you can't blame people if they objectively and based on their own life experience perceive you a certain way.

This "Oh I can't do right", "Oh I'm clearly so horrible" attitude is very defensive and offputting.

If you don't feel like you are the right match for each other or don't feel you love him enough to be with him then just leave, there's no obligation, you're not even tied into accommodation or shared expenses so honestly just leave it.

When he said he'd leave, he said he'd go home then come back today and pick me up. He wasn't saying he'd leave me stranded. His preference was to sleep in the car though.

The situation with his child was complicated but I do know everything (Not just from him), and there's nothing in it that was his fault or he did wrong as such. What has happened is horrifically sad and there's no getting away from that.

If he'd said last night he had to go up...I wouldn't have made a scene. I would have felt disappointed, but stayed for as long as I felt comfortable then gone up to bed. He stayed when I asked I assume to make me happy. Because I'd asked him to. I just don't get why then when I said why didn't he go up when I could see he was physically on pain, he didn't go then? By the end, I was saying I'd come up too. But he kept saying no. That's what I don't understand.

Yes . He was playing the martyr - my mum was always very good at this. She still is.

You say you don't row often - why?

OK, so last night was horrible and you've both agreed on a little 'space'. That's good. You both need a breather.

Do you think some couples counseling would be helpful? To help you both to define what you want out of this relationship and to improve your communication with each other? If this relationship is worth saving (to both of you) then it's worth working on with a professional.

It just seems to me that there's a lot of non-verbal communication (sulking, etc) and PA behaviour as well as OTT reactions from both of you. That can be fixed if the foundations are good.

Yes, he didn't want to go to the wedding really, but having agreed couldn't say he was bored etc without being the bad guy. This gave him an excuse to martyr himself.

We agree on most day to day things. We don't live together or have children together so no flashpoints like finances or parenting techniques. Most couples I know argue about money and their kids.

If we have differing views we usually agree to disagree, or find a compromise.

The reason I ask is because if the answer is that you normally don't have any issues and normally it's all good then fine. Move on. Learn from last night about communication and how to know what the other person is feeling. Don't let resentment fester Tec.

BUT

if it's because you are treading on eggshells then you really don't have to live your life that way.

It sounds like you both have great sadness in your lives and you look to each other for support. Whilst that is fantastic it shouldn't be the basis of your relationship.

Maybe agree on some time apart - mutually. Agree that you'll come together and discuss a way forward. I think both of you have issues that would be useful to be discussed with a third party.

Cross posts - yes I agree . Children. Finances are a massive strain and dp went through a terrible time with money worries after dd was born.

I hope your weekend improves. Personally I'd rather book my head than attend a wedding

I just don't get why then when I said why didn't he go up when I could see he was physically on pain, he didn't go then? By the end, I was saying I'd come up too. But he kept saying no. That's what I don't understand.

He was punishing you. Deliberately standing for longer and deliberately not going to your room so his back would keep hurting and hurting. As far as he was concerned you were the one causing the pain. Get what I say by martyr ?

He probably thought, 'well I'll stay up till midnight then shall I ?'

Can I just also point out this is also a row about bedtime. What time to leave a function. Some don't tell me what to do.

The sort of rows that can come when you are simply tired and pretty much bored. It's a power struggle.

He wanted to go to your room at around 9pm. You asked him to stay up for another half an hour. So in his view you pretty much told him no. (Authority figure). He responded to this by having a sulk (child).

OP - you sound really defensive - and I understand why. MN can be harsh sometimes, especially when we are feeling vulnerable.

The things that jump out to me are:

Sleeping in your car is not a reasonable response to a minor issue (your partner wants you to stay 30 mins. later at a social event, you do not). Being in a relationship with someone who responds to conflict/disagreement like this sounds exhausting.

You seem really focussed on making your DP happy - this is not healthy. We all want our other halves to be happy, but it's not our job to make them so.

You don't seem to have enough support outside of the relationship. I appreciate that you don't have family and that must be hard. But most of us have a least one friend we could call at 3.00 in the morning (not every morning but when the shit hits the fan).

I am unsure how much support your DP gives you. Is he generally supportive of you? Emotionally? Does he have your back - encourage you - make you feel secure and that you are loved?

Ultimately, is this relationship worth the effort? Are you afraid of being alone (no shame, a lot of people are) or is this snapshot an exception?

You’ve had some harsh responses here. Asking (not demanding) he stay for another half hour is perfectly reasonable. I agree he was then acting like a martyr and totally blew it all out of proportion and then you felt you have to apologise multiple times. I had an ex like this (he also did silent treatment) and the relationship was such hard work. I hope the discussion goes the way you want (whatever that is) on Sunday. But I do not agree you are in any way controlling or selfish from what I’ve read.

First up; sorry for your DHs loss. That must be utterly devastating for him.

He sounds a lot like my XH. The physical ailments, the stonewalling and the - quite honestly - gaslighting (“you’re making it all about you”).

He’s not come to terms with what’s hsppened. He’s angry and sad and depressed - and I am not surprised - but you’re the whipping boy.

For as long as his (understandable) grief/pain/depression remains unresolved he will use you as his outlet to punish emotionally.

He’s angry at the world. Only he can heal his pain. Your choice is do you stick around to see if he tries or do you remove yourself from the relationship before he smashes your confidence?

I repeat; he’s hurting...that’s allowed. But he’s punishing you for his pain.

That’s not allowed.

Not having read absolutely every thread but certainly the majority, we shouldn't forget that OPs other half is a bone fide grown adult, at least in chronological terms. If he was at the end of feeling comfortable enough to remain at the do, he did have the option to say you know what, I really can't stay any longer but you stay if you want love, I'll have a nice hot bath for my back and when you get upstairs we could watch a film or something?? That would have been another way for him to handle it because at the end of the day, whatever ails a person, it is their right to clearly convey their limits and stick to them. If you're going to go outside of your limit then force yourself (against what your partner ever asked for in the first place) to stay up for ages more - what is the motivation to do that? So you can then say how unreasonable the OP was?!? It was probably was unreasonable to ask for an extra half hour but he could have said mate I've 15 minutes left in me tops ok, I can't do any more. Then this wouldn't have happened. Rather than questioning why OP did or said what she did, I want to try and understand what motivated OPs other half to enter into what looks like a classic case of martyrism. Martyrism that was then used to say 'god you're so selfish' and to make a massive scene by going and sleeping in a car, a piece of equipment if ever that was NOT designed to be slept in - ever!

Having now seen the further posts about the child I agree that this is likely due to unresolved emotional pain and distress at his loss and that's the underlying fundamental issue to deal with.

The normal response would have been to either stay a bit longer or to say 'I'm in a lot of pain, and I need to go now.'

It's not ok to punish you because he couldn't do that. The attacks on the OP are horrible.

Bad things happen to abusive pricks, too (eg child loss, which is horrible, but if someone was a nasty person before the loss, they will probably be an even nastier person after it.)

I really suggest you dump him, OP. He's far too much work for too little reward.

Who gets married on a Thursday ?

This all reminds me - rather horribly - of my stbx.

During our -very long - relationship he has several times stomped out of a situation and slept in his car. The first few times it happened I was really upset, tried to resolve everything, apologised etc. This didn't help at all. He would just carry on with his passive-aggressive martyrdom until he felt I'd been punished enough.

After a while i stopped apologising and just ignored the ridiculous behaviour. It dawned on me that it was all about control - I had to learn not to step out of line, not to question him, not to disagree with anything.

I agree with others that your dp has obviously had a difficult few years, but the question has to be whether or not you want to spend any more of your life tiptoeing around him. I would suggest not bothering.

OP , I have been in this situation so many times, I really feel for you. I havnt posted on MN for several years but the level of ignorance, vitriol and vicious insensitivity on this thread is shocking.

My late DH suffered from an auto-immune condition and was in constant severe pain. It was classed as chronic because it never went away but was nevertheless unbearable without huge and increasing amounts of meds. He constantly had to leave parties early because of pain and knackeredness and he hated it. He often had to take himself off during a dinner party that he had done the cooking for! It made him feel diminished, ancient, guilty at leaving me - again- and he loved parties, weddings, dancing. We had countless scenes of storming off, sulking, vicious words, shouting. Sleeping in the car after a row – yep. Walking a mile or more home in the middle of the night when his mobility was so limited – yep. Drinking so much he had to be hospitalised when I refused to leave a NYE party. Just the once.

When he was well, he was funny and kind and lovely. I was more than capable of being insensitive, or asking him not to go to bed, to hang on, and he would, to please me because he loved me- he loved me more than I can say. That’s what kept me there and the good times were great. I have no advice about this episode, but it may be a good opportunity for you to reflect on what you want in the future. You may choose to walk away, or to stay if the good times are good enough. It was really, really shit at times but there was always a lot of love.

If you have never suffered from severe chronic pain or lived with somebody who has, you have no comprehension. I cannot begin to imagine the anguish caused by the loss of a child.

You only asked him to stay for another 30 mins,,not the rest of the bloody night.
How come he wanted to go to the room at 8 but not at 11?
How childish,

Apologies it was 9 not 8..

*Saying things like 'I suppose I'm a monster', 'I'm always to blame' etc, is the kind of crap my mum pulls to try to defer any criticism of her own behaviour."

Contrary to popularly received belief on this thread, OP hasn't said either of these things. The most she's said is that she accepts she could be partly to blame, which is hardly the same thing.