Awful evening...wwyd?

[eveningfromhell]

At a friend's wedding with boyfriend of several years.

He has some health issues and is uncomfortable standing or sitting for prolonged periods.

At about 9 he said he was going to go up to bed. I asked him to stay another half hour. He agreed.

About 40 mins later I said did he want to go up. He refused. I asked a few more times, same answer. Finally about 11, he was clearly in pain. I asked him to go, he said no again. Wouldn't discuss it. I said I'd had enough of this, picked up my drink and walked outside.

2 mins later he stormed past me and up to our room, collected his stuff and is now apparently sleeping in his car overnight.

I have tried to get him to come back in. He won't. I've had to leave him outside as he said of I kept on he'd drove home ( I'd then be stuck here). He shouted at me for making a scene (when I was crying, asking him to come back inside). He's annoyed that I prevented him from going to bed when he wanted to.

I feel like utter shit. I feel like a bit of the love I,had for him has just ebbed away. I'm also now sat alone in a £150 a night room.

Wow - some people are really attacking the OP here.

She's accused of being controlling because she asked her DP to stay on for another 30 minutes. Did I miss the bit where she had a gun to his head at the same time? He then sulkily stayed for 2 hours, refusing food and drink before storming off to sleep in the car - but that's all fine because he's in pain and grieving?

Lots of people have chronic health conditions and sadly lots of people have to cope with the grief of losing a child. Sometimes these people take their pain out on the people who are closest to them. It's shitty but it happens.

However, if your DP is not prepared to discuss anything (if you have an argument he walks away or you will 'split up') or seek treatment for his depression, then it does not bode very well for you OP.

Personally, I am very concerned about your need to make him happy. Nobody can do that for another person. Have you always been like this? Were you drawn to your DP because of the chronic pain - and his need for care? If I were you, I'd be thinking carefully about what you want from a relationship - does he support you (generally - not at the moment) and make you feel cared for and loved?

I'm home. He came up to the room to tell me the breakfast (specifically for wedding guests) was starting. I asked if he wanted to come into the room, he sald something like what's the point. So we went to breakfast, spoke separately to several people sitting with us but not to each other apart from can you pass the sugar etc.

We left straight after breakfast. The drive home was largely silent but I'm so tired i didn't care. When he dropped me off - we don't live together - I said again I was sorry for being inconsiderate and upsetting him, that I didn't think talking now when we're both tired was a good idea, but perhaps we could speak properly on Sunday (he's visiting family this weekend). He agreed. I wished him a safe journey.

I have no idea how that conversation will go or indeed what I.want the outcome to be. I do think we need to have a frank discussion. These blow ups are maybe once a year. But i think I'd prefer a lot of small, clear the air rows than these major incidents which seem to build up over time.

A few things spring to mind....

One of the most useful things I've ever read about male-female relations (which I'm quite sure lots of mumsnetters will hate) is that if a man has retreated to or is trying to retreat to his cave, leave him be. Sometimes men need a bit of cave time to work through whatever's going on. (So do I actually, but that's another story.)

That said, there are times in life when it's not appropriate, depending on the context etc etc. Also, I think, for a relationship to work long-term, you should be able to negotiate about some things.

Personally, I don't see anything wrong with you asking him to stay at the wedding for an extra half hour. Sounds pretty normal to me! You're presumbably not a mind reader and he should be able to respond accordingly, to either agree to stay longer or to explain that no, he really needs to go now. Perhaps he could have had a lie down and then come back later? Instead, it sounds like he got a bit silly and tried to punish you by hurting himself (or something like that - who knows?).

I guess the question is, was he like this before he lost his child? If yes, then personally, I would be seriously questioning whether this is how I want to continue to live moving forwards.

Glad you are home safely OP.

I agree with PP who have said that it sounds as if neither of you are communicating effectively. You need to work on remembering how his condition will affect what he can and can't do, and that his emotions right now are almost certainly clouded by the tragic loss of his child (and chronic pain can really unhinge you, it is awful - so I can't even imagine how much worse it would be when you combine it with grief). But at the same time he needs to accept that seeking help for depression and help to manage his grief is not a weakness, and that being honest with you about his feelings and pain will help you to understand him better.

How long have you been together?
I think it's normal to argue in a relationship now and again, but For your partner to sleep in the car overnight because he says he can't bear to talk to you is just weird behaviour. It shows there must be some deep rooted problems for him with regards to the relationship. Maybe you're coming across as selfish without realising on a regular basis which is pissing him off? Or it might be nothing you've done wrong and he's just struggling mentally at the moment with his pain and the loss of his child? Or maybe a whole mixture of things. I guess you'll find out on Sunday when you talk to him

He sabotaged the end of the evening because he'd had a gutsfull of the whole shooting match! Full on Passive aggressive! Tbf I completely get how he felt because the reality of the wedding was too much. Too much pain, awkward conversations with people he didn't know, seeing kids of a similar age to his etc. So you asking him to stay a bit longer was perfect for him to hang is blame on. You became the target. He could do with some councelling. Even if you were a bit selfish asking him to stay just half an hour, I could imagine you thinking well I've been very helpful to him with x,y,z over the months, the least he can do is just give me half an hour? And before anyone says I don't understand pain, I am a life long Migraineur and I've had to ENDURE many occasions when I've quite literally wanted to lie on the floor crying banging my head because that pain is less painful than migraine. Let's face it, he could have gone up! But he didn't because last night isn't really what this is all about is it.

I begin to doubt that his back is as bad as he makes out; or else he didn't sleep in the car. I don't see how someone with a major problem, who was already in severe pain and then spent the night in a car would be able to undertake the drive home.

There have been a few big rows before. About 1 a year (we've been together nearly 4 years). He's had other health issues since we've met. When we're pit I know he can't stand for long so try to always be on the lookout for places he can sit, where there are chairs etc. Despite treatment his back has been worse over the last year. I've tried to be understanding of thls.

We've been through a lot, bereavement, serious illness, court issues. I thought it had brought us closer but it hasn't. He has a small family, no support network apart from that. I have a number of friends but none I am as close to as I am him. Hence why I've been posting on here as I have no one on rl tp discuss this with.

He regularly functions on 2-3 hours sleep a night so it wouldn't surprise me if he hadn't slept. His car seat reclines a long way and he has mentioned before how comfortable it is, he sometimes goes for a nap in his car at lunch. So I do believe he dozed/ rested there for a few hours.

Clearly lots of people here with no understanding of chronic pain and how it feels to suffer from it.

My mum was like this - always ignoring me when I said I couldn't keep doing something, refusing to understand when I NEEDED to sit down or go to bed, to the point where she would make me really ill so that I didn't "spoil things" for her.

If this is a regular attitude of yours I'm not surprised he snapped. I did too eventually.

When we're pit (out) I know he can't stand for long so try to always be on the lookout for places he can sit, where there are chairs etc

He is an adult, not a child, it's his responsibility to manage his condition. I get you want to be considerate, but it does feel like you constantly fussing over him.

Personally, I think it's healthy to have strong relationships outside of your primary relationship. Maybe losing your parents so young as made you focus more on being a couple? I would work on developing your friendships. There should be someone you trust enough to talk to about emotions, who can be balanced and supportive. Not suggesting you don't post on MN, but just think the relationship sounds a bit 'smothering' and maybe you could both do with more focus outside of it?

Tammy genuine question - would you expect someone with no experience of chronic pain to know how to manage it? If posters haven't experienced it themselves and have no friends or relatives who have CPS then it's surely no surprise that they don't know, is it?

I do think that OP could have managed it better. But I also think her DP could have said something to her - she asked, he could have said no. He didn't have to prove a point by staying for an extra 2 hours when OP was trying to get him to go to the room - nor did he have to go and sleep in the car. That sounds a bit different to your experience with your Mum. I hope that you managed to get her to understand though.

TammyswansonTwo - she's not his Mum and he's not a child.

You sound absolutely fucking awful.

He’s got chronic pain that leaves him uncomfortable except when he’s lying down, he’s had a marriage breakdown, and he’s lost a child. And you were worried about how it would all look if he retired for the night slightly earlier than you wanted him to?

If this was true, I would think you had a personality disorder.

To be honest, I am seeing just as much pass-agg behaviour from OP as from what is described of the DP's behaviour.

Saying things like 'I suppose I'm a monster', 'I'm always to blame' etc, and rehashing old favours or services done for someone is the kind of crap my mum pulls to try to defer any criticism of her own behaviour. If you did a nice thing, you did it for its own sake, not to hold over the receiver forever more.

Running around barefoot, begging him to come back to the room so YOU don't feel bad - these aren't exactly calm or measured responses.

He has chronic pain and he lost his child this year. Those are his reasons. All OP has used to justify her actions are 'it's rude to the bride and groom' and 'I didn't want to be alone' (except she also buggered off to dance leaving him alone...).

There are two options here. Both of you work to establish a remotely functionable dialogue and dynamic, or split up, and work on it separately. Otherwise you are BOTH just feeding these unhealthy attitudes.

Again, OP, do you actually know how much of his claims for pity, attention and to be indulged have any basis in truth? It is honestly not that uncommon for shitty people (particularly abusive men) to have either exaggerated or completely made up illnesses/tragedies/injustices they have suffered. It's very common for abusers to self-diagnose with 'depression' but seek no help whatsoever - just a free pass to drink too much and abuse the rest of the family.
It's also common for men to insist that all their XPs are malevolent, unreasonable and crazy, and their breakups were so terrible that they should be excused any kind of passive-aggressive, jealous, controlling behaviour because they 'find it hard to trust' when the truth is that they were horrible to all the XPs too.

Saying things like 'I suppose I'm a monster', 'I'm always to blame' etc,

I agree cats - no offence OP, but you do come across as a bit of a martyr. I think you've set yourself up in the relationship as the 'caring' one. Do you always do this?

Tbh OP your relationship doesn't stand a chance if you don't see that you are both at fault.

The man is in chronic pain, he hates wedding and is still grieving his child. Yet despite that he came to the wedding with you. He gave 8 hours despite all of the above and you still asked for more.

He told you wanted to go to bed and you asked for more, and you said you'd have been "sad and disappointed" if he'd said no. Be brutally honest with yourself - would you have shown that? Would he have gone to bed, had he gone, leaving you behind sad and disappointed?

He snapped and his behaviour was stupid. Self sabotage is well named because he's likely made himself so much worse with the whole thing.

You are very focussed on you - how you'd look to the b&g, how sad & disappointed you'd be, how you didn't want to be alone, all the 'bad person' histrionics and even how you didn't want to be alone in the hotel room.

Had it even entered your head that a grieving man who hates weddings and is in chronic pain came to a wedding with you for 8 hours? There is only one reason he was at that wedding - you.

Everybody has a line and when you give someone all you have and then they ask for more then it can be a real slap in the face.

And only on mumsnet would it be asked "did he pay maintenance?" and "did it really happen?" when a man lost a child. That's hideous.

He's got chronic pain that leaves him uncomfortable except when he's lying down
But not so uncomfortable that that he couldn't spends the night sleeping sulking in the car.
Twat.

@lalalalyra It's not hideous to wonder about that sort of thing - there are men who abandon and ignore their children once the relationship with the mother has ended, but who will still use those children to make people feel sorry for them. A lot of the men who whine and moan about 'bitch won't let me see my kids' in order to gain attention and sympathy a) pay no maintenance and b) have never bothered to pursue contact since leaving the mother.
OP has painted a picture of a man whose 'sufferings' seem to come and go at his convenience and depend how much he wants to bring OP to heel at any given moment. So it's worth checking how much of his story OP knows to be true.

He was furious with the OP for daring to ask for another half hour at the reception because his back was hurting. His behaviour is all about punishing her.

Sleeping in his car in preference because he was determined to punish her. The 'kicker' for me was him threatening to drive off without her and leave her stranded at the hotel.

For me that would have made my, 'don't you threaten me' response kick in. Holding her to ransom. Whoa !! Fuck off to the far side of.......

But sleeping in his car was ok because he said so.

Two words to you OP:

GET RID

How would you have reacted if he had said that he wouldn't stay longer?

Why do you think that he stayed for you?

OP has painted a picture of a man whose 'sufferings' seem to come and go at his convenience and depend how much he wants to bring OP to heel at any given moment.

Yup. Exactly.

He will probably whine through his apology, or just sulk harder to extract yet another sorry from the OP.

You can stay and have this for the rest of your life or you can end things soonest. You choice.

Let me tell you, from experience, being married to a martyr/saint is no fun AT ALL.