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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Son or boyfriend? Did I over react?

594 replies

Anonaninanan · 23/10/2017 22:31

My partner and i have been together for 3 years and have 2 children.

I also have older children.

I should maybe start by saying that my ex was very abusive towards me and has failed to be any sort of a father, also my family is just crap, so my son has had nobody but me there for for him, which has probably clouded my view.

My partner is a great guy, was there for the kids and me, we had ups and downs but were generally ok.

Sadly I had to ask him to leave over an incident and a few people seem to think I'm over reacting.

My son (16) was being a bit lazy, typical teen stuff really. I was telling him to do something, he huffed and puffed, I told him off, he huffed some more. Then my partner came up to him and screamed in his face. Right in his face. He swore and shouted "dont fucking speak to your mum like that, that's out of order, you better start to show her some fucking respect, if you don't start to change your attention, then im gonna come down so fucking hard, you ain't gonna know what's hit you". I was sitting there in shock. My partner walked off to clam down, my son collapsed into tears and I knew then that my life was about to change.

I asked my partner to apologise to my son, which he eventually did with a shrug and a 'sorry' he then shouted at me asking why I was in his face when I had just walked into the room.

I spoke to my son who was crushed. He said he didn't feel comfortable around my partner after that and had lost all respect for him. I asked my partner to leave.

My son did come later and tell me to think of everyone else and that it didn't matter as it was only him which broke my heart even more.

We got things sorted and he left a couple of days later, he moved with family a significant distance away.

Now I'm stuck. I still love him. But I obviously love my son more.

I want to be with him. I can't see how after what happened.

I can't see a way forward out of this whole mess.

Did I over react?

Where can we go from here?

OP posts:

Laceup · 23/10/2017 23:34

Also, relate for family counselling,son included,to help you all move forward to either being a family or permanent separation...son needs to be heard ,dp needs to understand his actions were abusive

Laceup · 23/10/2017 23:36

I don't think you've over reacted...but it's where you all go from here that is the problem...dp has to want to sort this out,he can't come back with out changes being made

Original poster

Anonaninanan · 23/10/2017 23:42

My son can be lazy at times. He isn't perfect, but he can also be very helpful. He is very rarely disrespectful to me.

Dp wasn't really too bothered by the whole thing until he saw I was serious about him leaving.

He wants to fix tbings now it's affected him. He didn't really want to fix things for my son's sake.

He was a stay at home dad while I worked so no job. He went to live with family, although there were options for him to stay near our dc he felt he needed their support.

Due to the distance any help will be almost impossible sadly.

OP posts:

Laceup · 23/10/2017 23:45

What is dp proposing to do now?

Original poster

Anonaninanan · 23/10/2017 23:45

Do said he couldn't have stopped what he did as a 'red mist' descended. I found this very worrying.

OP posts:

Stillpissingdown · 23/10/2017 23:46

This is fixable although you seem to think it's a done deal.

I agree with luna and aquamarine

Go and get family councilling. It's ok random strangers in the internet telling you to split up but you have a young family to think about also. Trying family councilling to especially see if this was a one off and work through it to a positive end is priority.

I think there is a back story here.

Your DP goes from a loving great father figure to screaming in your sons face. What's really happened in between?

GardenGeek · 23/10/2017 23:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Laceup · 23/10/2017 23:47

This is his mess ,not yours.he needs to fix it.....I'm glad to hear you are working and in a strong position don't be pushed in to having him back.can you take time off work while you sort out childcare..you may be entitled to tax credits to help pay for child care

Lapdog22 · 23/10/2017 23:49

If it had been my son and my DP then my partner would be out on his ear. My DP does not face the same stresses that you and your DP are facing with very young kids along with older DC as well.

Your DP could be under tremendous pressure with two young babies. I am not saying that your DP's behaviour was acceptable but if he is a decent person and this is completely out of character perhaps your DP is not coping.

My instinct is that you did the right thing though and I admire you for putting your son first.

Dozer · 23/10/2017 23:50

His actions now suggest he is primarily concerned with his own self interest. If he was being a good father he would be staying close by and parenting.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/10/2017 23:51

I guess I'm just Ms Suspicious, but I wonder if his wanting to work it out has to do with him not wanting to give up life as a SAHP. I'm sure his family won't support him indefinitely. In fact, if he were my son I'd be saying 'So, when are you going to get a job?' about a day after he landed at home.

It would be one thing if he were saying he realizes that he'd upset DS and that his behaviour was way out of line. But it doesn't sound like that's the case.

Nandoshoes · 23/10/2017 23:51

Today 23:06 dadshere

Your bf tried to help you, (take your side) you kicked him out. Don't take him back, he needs someone who is there for him, you are not.

defo a male
defo an angry arsehole who things raising his voice solves problems

It doesn't.

Laceup · 23/10/2017 23:52

Hummm.....are you sure you want to continue the stay at home dad bit...how do you know he is not loosing his temper with the little ones..does he not want to work? Would little ones be better in nursery...im thinking they would tbh

SuperBeagle · 23/10/2017 23:52

This bloke came into your son's life when he was at a very fundamental point in his development. This was quickly followed by two new siblings. And evidently this bloke thinks that it's his role to discipline your son, or that its his business to intervene in your disciplining of him. I'm not sure whether he thinks that because you've allowed it (his father not being active in his life etc), or because he's a domineering personality, but it doesn't matter. I am not surprised that your son is resentful toward him.

Nandoshoes · 23/10/2017 23:52

OP your son won't ever forgive him or you if he comes back to family Home

Your son might say he does for your sake. He won't.

CatastropheKate · 23/10/2017 23:54

Did you over react? Over a single 10 second rant? Yes, I think you did.

Is there more to this? Has your 'typical teen' wound up your partner until he snapped? Has your partner been borderline aggressive before?

It seems a very big decision based only on that one incident, but only you have been living with everyone these last few years, so only you really know if it is an over reaction or not.

Lapdog22 · 23/10/2017 23:54

I have posted about my DP today too. He behaved like a complete dick which really is not his style. He accused me of sleeping with my DS' 19 year old friend. I am flabbergasted by this accusation. So much so I have told him to get lost and not to come back.

Life is sometimes just not straightforward.

IShouldntPostBut · 23/10/2017 23:57

My father always told me that for a man his wife always comes first, and that for a woman her children always come first. Being an old geezer now I can see the wisdom of what he said to me.

Lads have to be raised differently than lasses. I always knew that if I gave my mum cheek I'd have my father to deal with.

You've let your son drive the entire family apart.

I'd tell your DP to come home, sit them both down together, point at the lad and tell him "No more cheek!", and point at the DP and tell him "Continue to defend my honor, but tone it down a bit!"

Tell them both that if something like this happens again they're both going to be cleaning the loo with their toothbrushes.

Pull your family back together!

grannysmiff · 23/10/2017 23:59

I'm with your partner on this one although it doesnt sound like what you want to hear.

Your son was disrespectful to you and is coming up to adult age now - aka less excuse than if he were 13 or 14.

Your DP overreacted but then from the way you've described it (glossing over/ not saying exactly what your DS did vs reporting verbatim what your partner did) its possible you have a tendency to overcompensate for your son. I dont actually think walking away when someone is talking to you is acceptable or typical teen behaviour you let slide personally.

Your partner was wrong to burst out like that but maybe he's been frustrated at watching you gloss over bad behaviour from your son.

In any case, you seem set on your decision. For what its worth, I (female) had a stepdad who went apeshit at me in a very similar way for quite frequently showing similar cheek to my mum. I also think he was overly harsh in his words, I was also upset by it, he also apologised and regreted it. We had it out and i cleaned up my behaviour. He never screamed at me again. Twenty years later hes still my stepdad and i love him to bits. Just to give you some perspective.

Original poster

Anonaninanan · 24/10/2017 00:01

I managed to sort childcare quickly. I needed to stay working.

He went from living alone to living with me and my dc and our baby, then we had another child which was unexpected but we made it work.

He wants to make things up to my son now. He suggested counselling actually. He suggested a lot of ways to move forward as a family.

My son doesn't want this just now though.

It was very out of character for dp, he has the odd rage as we all Do, but never anything like this before.

He promises it would never happen again and he would leave me to parent ds as I see fit.

He isn't a bad guy, he just did something really stupid.

OP posts:

StaplesCorner · 24/10/2017 00:02

*IShouldntPostBut" (your user name is so apt) - you've stumbled into 2017 and 1957 wants you back.

Stillpissingdown · 24/10/2017 00:05

I can see the point ishouldnt is trying to make.

GimmeChocolate101 · 24/10/2017 00:05

I think you’ve done the right thing asking him to leave for a few days to show how serious this is but I think you are overreacting when you say this cannot be reconciled. Of course it can if it’s a genuine one off incident as you say. You say he’s a good dad and this is a one off. Well everyone makes mistakes so put it down to that and start working to get DP back in the house. If there is any further incident (particularly if he gets agressive like that again) then kick him out definitively. I agree with the counselling suggestion too if you feel you cannot work it out amongst yourselves.

Original poster

Anonaninanan · 24/10/2017 00:06

glossing over/ not saying exactly what your DS did vs reporting verbatim what your partner did

I was moaning at my son about not looking hard enough for a job. He walked off. I called him back and he said 'alright' in a sarcastic way.

This is what happened.

OP posts:

ShoesHaveSouls · 24/10/2017 00:07

I'd make the same decision as you, OP.

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