Son or boyfriend? Did I over react?

[Anonaninanan]

My partner and i have been together for 3 years and have 2 children.

I also have older children.

I should maybe start by saying that my ex was very abusive towards me and has failed to be any sort of a father, also my family is just crap, so my son has had nobody but me there for for him, which has probably clouded my view.

My partner is a great guy, was there for the kids and me, we had ups and downs but were generally ok.

Sadly I had to ask him to leave over an incident and a few people seem to think I'm over reacting.

My son (16) was being a bit lazy, typical teen stuff really. I was telling him to do something, he huffed and puffed, I told him off, he huffed some more. Then my partner came up to him and screamed in his face. Right in his face. He swore and shouted "dont fucking speak to your mum like that, that's out of order, you better start to show her some fucking respect, if you don't start to change your attention, then im gonna come down so fucking hard, you ain't gonna know what's hit you". I was sitting there in shock. My partner walked off to clam down, my son collapsed into tears and I knew then that my life was about to change.

I asked my partner to apologise to my son, which he eventually did with a shrug and a 'sorry' he then shouted at me asking why I was in his face when I had just walked into the room.

I spoke to my son who was crushed. He said he didn't feel comfortable around my partner after that and had lost all respect for him. I asked my partner to leave.

My son did come later and tell me to think of everyone else and that it didn't matter as it was only him which broke my heart even more.

We got things sorted and he left a couple of days later, he moved with family a significant distance away.

Now I'm stuck. I still love him. But I obviously love my son more.

I want to be with him. I can't see how after what happened.

I can't see a way forward out of this whole mess.

Did I over react?

Where can we go from here?

Head what you are describing is brilliant. Lucky you. Lots of teens are lovely at times. But some can be very hard work. Yes. Parenting has a part to play, of course, but so does temperament.

My friend's 12 year old dd is an A student and people pleaser (I think); my 12 year old dd is neither.

Kids are different and it is well known teen brains are in flux and teens do struggle, needing more sleep and working through their own issues as they move into adulthood. I really think what you are experiencing is not necessarily the norm.

Yes my teen - at a similar age to your does not ever eye roll or huff

Your teen is a credit to you, Headofthehive55

I didn't have one of those, far from it. But she turned out ok in the end.

Neither teens nor their parents come out of a factory, all exactly the same. Some people are just brilliant parents, but us ordinary mortals are just muddling through. But we've still got to see our little monsters through to adulthood and choosing a bf over an underage son would be a disastrous choice, under the circs.

Atenco The OP has broken up the family home and changed the lives of her and the DP's children forever because of this utterly bonkers overreaction to him shouting just once at her disrespectful and rude son.

What's the OP going to say to those two children when they grow up?

"Where's our father? Why did he disappear suddenly when he was looking after us every day then one day he was gone?"
"I kicked him out one day because your half-brother was being rude to me, and your father shouted at him to defend me".

flowerpot no, OP's DP did that when he massively overreacted to some fairly typical teenage behaviour.

BitchQueen90 Without going round in circles again debating this point, please stop calling contempt, rudeness and disrespect in teenagers fairly typical, it really, really isn't.

OP's DP did that when he massively overreacted
Eh? That doesn't make logical sense. Shouting at a misbehaving boy who is disrespecting your partner does not kick yourself out of your home. The OP did that.

^greenberet, happyemoji and flower's posts on this thread are utterly baffling, and have no relevance at all to the OP's actual posts.

It's as if they want to - absolutely have to - make the 16yr old boy the bad guy at all costs - no matter what his own mother posts on this thread. It's v strange, and I wouldn't really want to delve into the reasons behind it.^

This has made me laugh - actually I was referring to the bashing that @Flowerpot was getting not the op

I'm not out to make the Ds a bad boy - as I've said there is something missing here - which the op has not come back on to answer - that's up to her.

I could go on to say more about this situation but what's the point - the majority will not get it and those that do - i.e. Myself, flowerpot and emoji will just get more bashing - at least Italian asks for us to try and explain where we are coming from.
Italien I'm not trying to convince you of anything you can have your own opinion on this just like we all can - you are lucky you have managed to deal with your pre teen and you are lucky you have a supportive DH - I expect this makes a huge difference in family dynamics. I'm assuming the answer to this question is no but have you been through a marriage break up?

It may be just a few posters who choose not to enter into new relationships but this heavily influences how they view others situations and the "advice" they give -

Maybe the DP didn't want to be so far away from his kids either but he was asked to leave - was he told to go straight away - did the op give him time to sort somewhere to live _ did she give him money to book a hotel room close by - all these answers help understand why the DP did as he did.

Someone up thread said the op is confusing her DP with her abusive x and I think this may be right - maybe she put up with more back then, tolerated more, and her Ds was a victim too. I expect she will feel some guilt for this - this would explain her zero tolerance. But she is not to blame - as I said we still have a long way to go in our education on what is abuse and people will also have different takes on what is acceptable to them.

I'm not even sure if zero tolerance is achievable in society as everyone will have different tolerance levels depending on their experiences.

Shoes I'm not sure where you are coming from but you still have some hurt in you that needs addressing - was your childhood abusive by any chance

I sometimes refer to my kids as "brats" they are not really they are good kids even though I have been through the mill with them recently maybe we all need to pay more attention to the words we chose to use

Maybe teenage strops etc are our chance as parents to look at ourselves - Same with toddlers - we need them to behave in a certain way as it makes our day/ life easier less stressful - maybe it is this phrase zero tolerance that is the issue - where has this come from - this means that we do not tolerate ANYTHING that we don't want to.

This is not how we are meant to live - tolerance is needed to respect others funnily enough - others that do not behave as we do - it doesn't mean that either is right or wrong it's just different.

I get the ops love for her Ds and to protect him as much as possible given their background - but I believe she has made a mistake here and overreacted but again understandable given her background.

If she changes her mind I would hope she has the courage to come back on here and tell us.

I also agree OP has made a mistake and overreacted. Yes of course you want to protect your child but parenting teens is bloody hard work and sounds like her DP has snapped, does that warrant being thrown out of the family home, no I think not. I am assuming that her DP has had helped parent the 16 year old over the [ast 3 years. Yes sounds like he went over the top, having parented 2 teenage boys, I can see how this can happen.. OP of you love your DP and this is a one off then if he will forgive you and wants to make ammends with your DS then I think you all need to sit down and talk.

I'm going to throw another perspective into this - and italien I think you said your friends Dd is a people pleaser -

Maybe the ops Ds has been this - this would explain why he is so good - but this is not healthy either - it is quite likely he learnt this as a result of abusive DF - if I do what he wants he will like me etc.

Maybe he had begun to feel secure in this new family - his DP was showing him that men can still be men if they are looking after children - maybe this is why he had started to push the boundaries - this is a good thing too - he can test the reactions of those that love him before he tries it in the real world.

However sadly for him and for all of you really as it all got skewed - but as others have said it can be resolved but you need to talk and this needs to be really open deep honest talk which is scary because you have to air your fears because only then can people fully get where you are coming from.

Most people cannot do this they hold something back to protect themselves especially if they have been hurt before - but it is the only way to move on without resentment or holding some grudge.

You all got something "wrong" here - no blame - you are after all still learning the dynamics of a new relationship and contending with new issues all the time - as we all are - but instead of owning up and saying ok I get it I did something "wrong" I understand how this impacts on everyone else - I'll learn and try not to do it again - we look for someone else to blame - and right now you are all blaming each other. This will only end badly - one of you has to say sorry and Op I think this needs to come from you x

OP you made the right decision.
Only you you knew how your Dp reacted .
From what you have descript. I have seen this type of out bluse in front of my eye . By big strong grown man to little week man . I called the police . I was Terrified. I shook for 12 hours afterwards.

Don't let the minimise shout you down .
God knows how this man treated his young kids hopefully they will a calm life now .

Now he's abused his other kids. If he's so bad why is the op supporting him. Maybe she jumped into this relationship to quickly and her way of making amends is to help him. I have read the thread if you want me to copy and paste what the op posted I can do that. From the argument over him getting a job to the dp leaving 2 days later and then the son finding work/education at a college. Your sons head is not going to be good while working and studying if his home life isn't settled.

I think you have a journey to go with yourself and your son. There is nothing wrong with therapy for you and your son. Some people go there for fun to let of steam. Who knows if you get over your past and you can move forward there might be a future for you and exdp. Don't allow your past to control your future. You both had 2 children and he supported you with you returning back to work. He didn't mind being a sahd. If it was just the one incident that changed everything and you dashed out a good but not perfect bloke. If you want him back go slowly he has his place you have yours while you work on yourself and your son.

Twitchingdog

God knows how this man treated his young kids hopefully they will a calm life now .

The DP was a SAHF, and the OP says herself was a great guy and was there for the kids and me and was so good, he decided to have two more children with him.

Children who he has now been wrenched away from because the OP has gone OTT stark raving loopy in her overreaction.

Some of you are just desperate, sheer desperate, to see things which aren't there, to make any man out to be evil or wrong, to extrapolate and exaggerate. The damage you must do to not only other people but sadly your own lives too (like the OP), it's terrifying but it's really, really sad too.

As for this comment, If there was an oh-my-god button, I'd be pressing that too.

He has to be either in work, education or an apprenticeship. She posted job and he was only out of work/education for a while. Until he is 18/19 he has to be doing something so he has a job. The op must have complained to her dexp before the argument. Why else would he be upset and show so much emotion and stick up for his dp. A lot of people on here are misinterpreting emotion with abuse. He cares he wants his ss to care.

I don’t see any abuse from this man at all. Just frustration. Now, if it happened everyday then I would call it abuse. I have been abused as a child both physically, sexually and emotionally. This isn’t abuse. In my opinion anyway.

I think you are setting you son up to be a snowflake. Sounds like he needed to be shouted at like that.

Shiela2017 I don't think anyone child or adult needs to be shouted at that way ever. To have a person screaming profanities an inch away from your face would be frightening for a grown up never mind a child that has previously lived in an abusive household.

I'm not saying that disrespect should go unchallenged. It should certainly be addressed in a firm manner, even possibly with a raised voice but not in the way the OP's partner dealt with it at all. Most teenagers will need a reminder about respect at some point but there is a healtyh constructive way to set acceptable boundaries and this is not one of them.

greenberet you are right I have not been through a marriage break up.

The only contempt i’ve seen is the OP’s DP’s contempt for her son, and for her when he reacted in anger to her afterwards... oh and the gratuitous use of the word ‘brat’...

You can argue until you are blue in the face that the very minor bad attitude the OP’s DS displayed is ‘not normal’ for teens but science totally proves you wrong... if your teens don’t display any of that ever flower then I will say again that is most likely down to your problematic and damaging reliance on authoritarian parenting...

Which science says is what creates the greatest risk of raising your children to be anti-social and poorly equipped to deal with adult life. It’s been studied time and time again, children of authoritarian parents grow up without self esteem, without the ability to self regulate, are more likely to self medicate with drugs and alcohol, more likely to indulge in other damaging behaviours like risky sex, are more likely to end up in prison etc etc the list is really long and not only are we able to say with confidence that this type of parenting increases all these risks but we also know how and why it does...

Things might be fine and dandy as far as you are concerned because your kids all follow orders but they won’t be learning or developing normally if you are an authoritarian parent.

Trouble is you won’t care as authoritarian parents see their children’s problems in terms of their own individual failings and their children’s successes as a result of their wonderful parenting... the kids can never win and live in constant fear of always being a disappointment.

flower really? A lot of teens behave a LOT worse than this. He was hardly shouting and swearing, a stroppy attitude and rudeness is not acceptable but in no way does it warrant such an extreme reaction.

And there is a difference between shouting and what the OP herself has said as screaming inches away from somebody's face and using threatening language. He didn't just "shout".

This has made me laugh - actually I was referring to the bashing that @Flowerpot was getting not the op - greenberet I'm not laughing but I am smiling wryly as you seem to think this attitude is laudable. We knew that, I think we just want to see if you had any self awareness whatsoever.

maybe it is this phrase zero tolerance that is the issue - where has this come from - this means that we do not tolerate ANYTHING that we don't want to - like the OP's DP you mean. Him being the adult in the situation and all that ... I wonder how this man will cope when someone is huffy with him in a pub or a shop, and he's in their face in a split second. But then I sincerely doubt he is the sort of man to do that to another man. A 16 year old boy yes, but not someone who might actually be able to come down on him so fucking hard he won't know what's hit him.

I think we just want to see if you had any self awareness whatsoever.

Oh dear StaplesCorner, you really take the when it comes to self-aggrandizement and your awful patronising tone. Issues, just so many issues...

Offred if a child is raised in a home where love is the main emotion which means that both parents support and respect each other, that they take the time to talk and LISTEN to each other and take on board everyone's view point and work to always reach a compromise then it is possible for a child or teen not to have to push boundaries and challenge his parents.

They will have healthy self esteem, they will have good self respect and they will be responsible for themselves without having to be asked or reminded. This will be ' normal' for them as it will be all they have ever known.

In todays society we are all too busy and ruled by fear and stress which leads to dysfunction - I've just reread your post we are actually saying the same thing hear but coming from opposite ends of the scale - how old are your kids?
Staples I don't get what you mean but I can tell you my self awareness is pretty high and who is we - are you posting on behalf of others.?
l think you have also Mis interpreted what I'm saying- I don't believe zero tolerance is possible because people's life experiences determine what they can tolerate and this will not be the same for everyone.

The very fact that the op came on here asking had she overreacted must mean she possibly thinks she did. Had she been ok with what she had done she would not need advice from here - she wouldn't even question it - what concerns me though is that she has done the freedom programme _ is this where zero tolerance comes from ?

This bothers me as people are going to be labelled abusive when they are not _ yes they may have displayed behaviour which could be described as abusive but I'm pretty sure that there needs to be a pattern and not just a one off occurrence

• staples are you saying it would be ok for someone bigger than the DP to come down on him so fucking hard if he was huffy in a shop or pub assuming the DP has anger and self control issues.

Surely if this was the case op would have known about this before now

they may have displayed behaviour which could be described as abusive but I'm pretty sure that there needs to be a pattern and not just a one off occurrence

Something I stated 5 pages back. It’s up to the OP to decide if it was a one off or whether it was a pattern of behaviour that she’d been minimising.

I wouldn't blame OP for having quit this thread ages ago. There's so much judgementalism going on, so many critical assumptions about her parenting, so much tendentious reframing of what she actually said. And so many of her critics getting defensive when tackled about their own judgementalism.

People! Please. We weren't there. We didn't see or hear DP getting in DS's face and making him cry. We didn't see DS's shrugged "all right" and don't get to deduce a whole load of teenage shitty behaviour from that. Let's take what she said at face value. Let's stop reframing her words.