Son or boyfriend? Did I over react?

[Anonaninanan]

My partner and i have been together for 3 years and have 2 children.

I also have older children.

I should maybe start by saying that my ex was very abusive towards me and has failed to be any sort of a father, also my family is just crap, so my son has had nobody but me there for for him, which has probably clouded my view.

My partner is a great guy, was there for the kids and me, we had ups and downs but were generally ok.

Sadly I had to ask him to leave over an incident and a few people seem to think I'm over reacting.

My son (16) was being a bit lazy, typical teen stuff really. I was telling him to do something, he huffed and puffed, I told him off, he huffed some more. Then my partner came up to him and screamed in his face. Right in his face. He swore and shouted "dont fucking speak to your mum like that, that's out of order, you better start to show her some fucking respect, if you don't start to change your attention, then im gonna come down so fucking hard, you ain't gonna know what's hit you". I was sitting there in shock. My partner walked off to clam down, my son collapsed into tears and I knew then that my life was about to change.

I asked my partner to apologise to my son, which he eventually did with a shrug and a 'sorry' he then shouted at me asking why I was in his face when I had just walked into the room.

I spoke to my son who was crushed. He said he didn't feel comfortable around my partner after that and had lost all respect for him. I asked my partner to leave.

My son did come later and tell me to think of everyone else and that it didn't matter as it was only him which broke my heart even more.

We got things sorted and he left a couple of days later, he moved with family a significant distance away.

Now I'm stuck. I still love him. But I obviously love my son more.

I want to be with him. I can't see how after what happened.

I can't see a way forward out of this whole mess.

Did I over react?

Where can we go from here?

[Stillpissingdown]

I agree with your ds being the catalyst for you splitting up is a big burden especially when the younger dc start crying for their dad.

It was shouting. There must be much bigger issues here

[MyBabyIsAWerewolfAhwooooo]

So I was in a bit of a mood and my partner was trying to talk to me about some stuff I needed to do. I ignored him then when he spoke to me again I said "ok fine" sarcastically.
At that, he came and screamed in my face. Right in my face. He swore and shouted "dont fucking speak to me like that, that's out of order, you better start to show me some fucking respect, if you don't start to change your attention, then im gonna come down so fucking hard, you ain't gonna know what's hit you".

I felt really upset and started to cry but everyone reckons it was my own fault and im over reacting. We have two young children. Is it my fault?



I very much doubt MN would tell such an OP to get over it and that its her own fault

[inthenameotheweeman]

Again, would OP be considered a snowflake if she came on here saying the DP has used those words and actions directly towards her? No she wouldn’t. Why are people trivialising it because it was done to a child?

[Anonaninanan]

I've been the only one there for ds.

Everyone in his life has treated him as second best.

That's why I feel so strongly that I have to defend him and put him first.

I am not looking for reassurance that I did the right thing. I want genuine opinions or a way through it.

I would like nothing better than to have my family back together with everyone happy again, believe me, I did not want any of this.

I didn't gloss over What ds did, what he did was a total non event, I couldn't say more because there was no more information.

He also isn't treated like a 'snowflake' he has had a very tough life.

[inthenameotheweeman]

Exactly MyBaby

[Hollypiesky]

Ahhh I didn't read properly that you have children with him.
Such a hard one!

[whatsavings]

Your son needs you. He sounds lost and confused.
He behaved like a stroppy teenager, and was presented with a grown adult male screaming in his face, f*ing and threatening to "come down so fucking hard, you ain't gonna know what's hit you". He must have been terrified.

If a red mist descended on your DP, then he was out of control.
The language & behaviour he exhibited shows he was out of control.

I believe that as your son grows older, your DP will fight to assert himself as alpha male in the household, and your son will become scared/leave home to escape.
As the saying goes, you should not enter into counselling with your abuser, so you should decline family counselling on your sons behalf.

[Gannicusthemannicus]

So your son has an absent and abusive father and your partner thought the best course of action to deal with a child who has been through that is to violently shout and threaten him? At best it was incredibly insensitive and idiotic of your partner. And the red mist is troubling too - had your partner taken a moment to calm down, then apologised to you and DS, explaining why he reacted like that, whether he was worried about something else (stress of small children etc) and how it wont happen again, that would be one thing but he seems to show absolutely no remorse.

And I can't believe those saying your DS was being cheeky enough to deserve that language. He's a teenager, acting like a teenager.
If your partner can't deal with that, he will have real problems down the road when your DS gets older and begins to really question his authority.

In my opinion, for the sake of the younger ones and to prevent your eldest taking on the blame for their sibling's dad leaving, I would ask your partner to move closer and do counselling, with the aim of getting him back in the house. Although I would make it clear to DS that he can tell you anything, you are not choosing partner over him, and if he feels threatened or at risk at any future behaviour, partner is out on his ear.

[scottishdiem]

No matter what you decide to do there is going to be a need for some level of family counselling to get the father of two of your children to be able to treat your third child with a level of respect and calm. It would also be helpful for your son to learn how to treat you with some respect as well (which he was doing regardless of what happened next).

When all the adults (including the 16 year old one) can start on the same page then that is a way forward.

If reconciliation is not easy or doesnt happen you may end up with two siblings not liking the third since he was the reason you asked their father to leave them.

[Jellyheadbang]

You did exactly the right thing.
A lot of 'step parents' really get nasty once kids turn 16, this is how a lot of kids end up homeless because the mum chooses the abuser over the kids (usually boys).
I've seen it happen umpteen times and if I were in your shoes I'd have done the same thing.
Well done you, great parenting skills.

[Atenco]

I do think you have given your son a very important message. A couple of times when my dd's behaviour was particularly rebellious, I had occasion to defend her from someone else. I always found her behaviour to improve remarkably afterwards.

Only you, your dp and your son can decide what to do from here on. Counselling sounds like a good option.

[IrritatedUser1960]

You did the right thing, if you'd allowed this it would have happened again and escalated.
Unfortunately even if a partner is a good partner and dad to his own children they will often try and drive out the child that is not theirs.
I have personal experience of this being that child, it destroyed my confidence for life.
You are a good mum.

[AdalindSchade]

Is your DP even sorry? Because it doesn't sound like he is, just that he wants his feet back under the table.
So what if this is the first time it happened? You've only been with him 3 years (and have 2 kids? Wtf) and relationships can go on for a lot longer than that before the first abusive incident.
Your DS did not deserve that treatment and your DP was fucking out of order. If anyone shouted at my DS like they they would never get a second opportunity to do so. Fuck that. I wouldn't allow anyone to speak to me like that twice so why should my child have to?
Your DP has fucked things right up.

[TwattyCatty]

It's a bit late now putting your son first, but better late than never I suppose.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

This is how I’ve handled a tricky situation with my dh. Dd is 9. The last couple of times she fell asleep on the sofa, she becamd violent, kicking and hitting and shouting when we woke her up to go to bed. She is too heavy to carry up the stairs. The solution obviously is not to let it happen. But I’m chronically ill, disabled because of it and sometimes it happens.

In response to the aggression last time, Dh pulled dd off the sofa and dragged her up the stairs. Very angry, not shouting but ordering through barred teeth. Dd was panicked and very frightened. I managed to get up the stairs and sent him away. I had to be verbally forceful as he’d lost control and he saw it as defending me (as she kicked at me) so he was confused as to why I sent him away.

Once dd was asleep, I looked up articles on line about being woken up and acting irrationally. I emailed something to him with a ‘I think maybe this is what’s happening’. And set off an email dialogue whilst I was in bed with dd. I explained to that him acting like that was unacceptable and setting her up to accept a violent partner. He agreed not to do it again and we came up with a plan. I spoke to dd about it the next day about how sorry he was and what I’d agreed with dh. She was still very angry and not ready to listen to dh. So we left it till the following day and sat down as a family and he apologised whole heartedly to dd.

Since then, dd and I have watched the particular show on the iPad in bed together (Saturday evening) so she can fall asleep when she wants. How he acted is because he felt out of control and because he thought dd was doing it deliberately to be disrespectful when in fact it something she cannot control.

I think you have to try to see ways through things, not ways of building barriers especially as you have children together. Your dp is not a parent to a teen and doesn’t have the history of how to handle the situation. It sounds as if he made a really crappy mistake. Perhaps it is how he was parented or it was a trigger for him. He was out of his depth and handled a situation badly.

I wouldn’t be writing off the relationship just yet. When you know better, you do better. What could you teach your dp so it doesn’t happen again? One day your younger children will be teens.

How did your ds feel about your dp before this happened?

[Deploycharitygoats]

Thank you for putting your children first. I say children, not just your son, because there's no reason to think he'd be any different once your other children (including his) reached teenage years.

My mother's partner insisted she choose between him and my 16 year old brother. She chose him, my brother moved out. Funnily enough, this didn't solve things, it just emboldened her partner to find fault with the next child, me. 15 years later, neither of us have forgiven her for her selfish choice.

[florapearl]

I am also coming on in support of OP.

[Artemiss]

I think that there is more to this story.
Are you overcompensating for not being there for your son in the past?
What do you mean he is had a very hard life?
I do not excuse your partners behavior but i think there is more to this . A good partner does not get angry like that over small things.And kicking him out and refusing to let him try to fix it, seem a bit too much if its over one off incident

[category12]

I'm so glad that you took your ds' side. So many people minimise, but a grown man behaving like that with a boy who has grown up with an abusive/neglectful bio dad? Yeah, you did the right thing.

[Be3Al2Si6O18]

The story is not over yet.

[GreatStar]

Twattycathy that's mean & unesscessary

[OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow]

Living up to your name there Twatty.
If the bf had calmly and peacefully said "Show your mum some respect, there's no need to be rude" it would have been different, but no, he had to be the hard man. Op, good for you.

[GreatStar]

Op just read your comments and I want to say that none of this is your fault. Or your sons fault. This is caused by your bf losing his temper. All may not be lost completely though ...... is the bf prepared to sit down with your son and apologise and agree a way forward?

[TammyswansonTwo]

You did the right thing.

My mum got remarried when my brother was a teenager. My brother was acting like a complete shit but he was a 16 year old. Her husband was far worse: it ended with them having a physical fight in the drive and the police being called. My mum threw my brother out and stayed with the husband who went on to put her through hideous abuse, until she was diagnosed with cancer at which point he started acting like the perfect husband to make sure he inherited their flat and other things, although he'd already found someone else by the time she ended up in the hospice:

Her relationship with my brother (who is also a selfish prick to be honest) never recovered and now she's gone and he's carrying a lot of baggage.

When I was about 13, my step dad beat me so hard he left hand prints in the side of my head. When my mum found out she threw him out - for a day. Then he was back, being abusive to everyone and gradually getting worse. You absolutely can't let behaviour like this slide.

[RomeyWooOOoo]

Has this anger come out of the blue? I am just wondering because in three years, you have had two pregnancies, newborns and a job to deal with, plus the dynamics of a new relationship and living together. I also think, given your background, your radar for good men might have been a little off. Good men don’t behave like that. So, I am wondering what has gone on before?

I personally think what your partner did was unacceptable and while it is a shock, if you take him back, it is setting your DS up for more of the same. My ex treated my DD (his stepDD) badly after DS was born, I asked him to leave and then took him back. It did not get better. We separated again. I should have never taken him back.

I think if he was serious about making amends, your DP would be living somewhere close and seeing his DC. Give it time to see if he does that, rather than staying such a distance away that he cannot see them. Your DS does not have to see him. At the moment, your DP is presenting you with an all or nothing scenario - either he stays miles away or he moves back in. In reality, he can stay closer, get a job and do his share of parenting. In time, and with a bit of distance, you can see what kind of man he is.

I am not criticising (as I have been in the same position) but you did not really know him before you got pregnant. You know him better now. Do nothing, give it time and see what he does. If he moves closer, looks after DC and accepts what he did was wrong, then in time, you might work things out. Right now, you are doing the right thing.