Son or boyfriend? Did I over react?

[Anonaninanan]

My partner and i have been together for 3 years and have 2 children.

I also have older children.

I should maybe start by saying that my ex was very abusive towards me and has failed to be any sort of a father, also my family is just crap, so my son has had nobody but me there for for him, which has probably clouded my view.

My partner is a great guy, was there for the kids and me, we had ups and downs but were generally ok.

Sadly I had to ask him to leave over an incident and a few people seem to think I'm over reacting.

My son (16) was being a bit lazy, typical teen stuff really. I was telling him to do something, he huffed and puffed, I told him off, he huffed some more. Then my partner came up to him and screamed in his face. Right in his face. He swore and shouted "dont fucking speak to your mum like that, that's out of order, you better start to show her some fucking respect, if you don't start to change your attention, then im gonna come down so fucking hard, you ain't gonna know what's hit you". I was sitting there in shock. My partner walked off to clam down, my son collapsed into tears and I knew then that my life was about to change.

I asked my partner to apologise to my son, which he eventually did with a shrug and a 'sorry' he then shouted at me asking why I was in his face when I had just walked into the room.

I spoke to my son who was crushed. He said he didn't feel comfortable around my partner after that and had lost all respect for him. I asked my partner to leave.

My son did come later and tell me to think of everyone else and that it didn't matter as it was only him which broke my heart even more.

We got things sorted and he left a couple of days later, he moved with family a significant distance away.

Now I'm stuck. I still love him. But I obviously love my son more.

I want to be with him. I can't see how after what happened.

I can't see a way forward out of this whole mess.

Did I over react?

Where can we go from here?

[greenberet]

Joysmum you're right I'm done here

Op I really do hope you manage to sort this in whatever way you decide is right for you x

[Joysmum]

*you’re

[Joysmum]

How about both of you either accept you are both entitled to different views and won’t be able to persuade the other your right, or if you want to continue you take this to PMs

[Offred]

Yeah, again... this was my concern re engaging with you...

[greenberet]

Offred I'm not sure wtf you are going on about - are you actually ok - I am concerned about you

[Offred]

And wry laugh re where’s my compassion... save that lecture for flowerpot who is calling the OP’s child a brat...

[Offred]

Yes, this is my point re why I didn’t want to engage with your questions... another stream of consciousness, barely comprehensible, weird extrapolations and assumptions and hostility when challenged...

High expressed emotion is not about being very emotional. It is about being very hostile whilst also very enmeshed.

My ex was extremely unwell, FYI, after a period of psychosis he was diagnosed with BPD and had DBT which has helped him. You know nothing about what I did or didn’t do but whatever I did it wouldn’t have made a difference because he has a personality disorder.

[greenberet]

Offred I've just looked at your back history - for someone that has been through the mill yourself - where is your compassion -maybe you need to give yourself some compassion, stop blaming yourself, give yourself some forgiveness - you are obviously deeply hurting still. Until you can do this you are going to stay stuck

[greenberet]

Offred im sorry but I find your posts absurd - have you ever wondered if it is you that is an extremely difficult person to communicate with.

I have spoken with many professionals about my situation and not one of them has said this to me - even when I have asked them could it be me that has it all wrong - I got to the point where I felt I had nothing to loose and quite frankly if it was myself that was causing me to feel as shit as I did I would have taken any help going.

A high level of expressed emotion is actually seen as a quality - it is those that are unable to express emotion that get into difficulty.

The questions to you were to see if I could gage where you are coming from _ to me you sound extremely bitter about something - your choice of language lacks compassion it is all very negative. You may have been through a difficult time yourself but you are still living it.

Read back over the thread my perception of a situation that is not spelt out is highlighted on here.

My situation is one of the most upsetting - you feel sorry for my kids caught up in a toxic mix of contempt and avoidance from me - I don't know who the hell you think you are but my patience and tolerance has run out at this comment.

My Dd has just fallen asleep in my bed with me after watching a film together - my Ds is laughing downstairs with one of his mates _ this doesn't sound like unhappy kids to me that are messed up. And just for the record again everyone I have spoken to has said it is abundantly clear that my love for my kids is very very strong.

I can assure you my kids will not be very very messed up as I will do everything within my capability to make sure this is not the case even with an abusive dick if a father.

Maybe if you had shown your ex some understanding and compassion you may have been able to help him come to terms with his childhood and move on from it.

Yes I am posting about myself and my experiences because it gives clarification as to why I am saying what I am unlike you I feel this is relevant. If the op or anyone else can connect with what I am saying then all well and good unlike you who refuses to impart information saying it is irrelevant. Maybe you hang onto some shame or guilt and this is why you refuse to share - you never know it may give you the breakthrough you are looking for.

I know I am not perfect I never pretend to be, I have made mistakes and I hold my hand up to these _ nobody has told me this I have identified my own weaknesses and made damn sure I learn from them and am trying my best not to repeat them.

Your right this thread is not about me but I am not going to stand by and do nothing whilst you continually look to find fault in everything I say.

Just because I do not agree with you this does not make me weird pathalogical or anything else you dare to throw at me. If anything this is the pot calling the kettle black.

You really need to take a very very close look at yourself

[Offred]

Oh and yes, it is very very clear that what you are posting about is yourself and your feelings about your experiences. This thread is not about you though, it’s about the OP and her son.

[Offred]

I’m not defensive and it’s not that I don’t get it either. I was avoiding getting drawn into engaging with you because I have seen your other threads and it is clear that you are an extremely difficult person to engage with because of your high level of expressed emotion.

I don’t see the point in answering your questions to me TBH. They are irrelevant to this thread and humouring your deep and pathological over investment IMO would not be helpful.

To clarify re my points; I am saying that if you have a teenager that never huffs and puffs in a minor way (which is normal developmentally for teenagers) and a parent who speaks with such deep contempt re who the child is on the basis of one episode of this minor and normal behaviour, that indicates to me that that teenager is compliant with the rules of their authoritarian parent.

Your situation is, BTW green, one of the most upsetting I have read about on here. I feel very sorry for your children caught up in a toxic mix of contempt and avoidance from you and emotional abuse from their father. It particularly upset me to read because it describes my ex’s childhood to an almost frightening degree and he and his siblings are consequently very very messed up. Out of the three of them only one is even coping adequately with parenting their own children.

[greenberet]

Offred I can follow the thread and I have plenty of self awareness told to me on numerous occasions by people who get where I'm coming from.

I am also able to understand things from other people's perspectives which many cannot. I have asked you some questions you have chosen not to answer

I get what your saying about authoritative parenting but you seem to imply that you only get a compliant child if he has been brought up in an environment of fear and punishment - I'm saying this also happens when love is the driving emotion

My posts are my experience - sometimes I post under high emotion sometimes I post in a reflective mood

I am deep yes I am also insightful just because you don't get it doesn't mean I'm weird - maybe you could learn something if you were not so defensive

Willow grown men huff and puff too - passive aggressive behaviour I understand - can be a forerunner of contempt. I think you will find that many women have experienced huffing and puffing from men when asked to do something and no they don't always then do it - they find some excuse not too

Happy - thank you - I try and document my experience as it is - I am aware that sometimes it comes out disjointed but these are the thoughts straight from my head - not proof read or edited to make them more mainstream - just as they are.

I'm trying to portray the effects of continual emotional abuse - there are no bruises to show - the only way is as it comes - and actually offred you have confirmed this for me with your comments - so thank you - this is what I have lived with for 20 years - the high expressed emotion was controlled with Ads,- the effects of the divorce has seen my medication go from 37.5 mg to 300mg and I am still coming across as highly emotional - this says it all

[Happyemoji]

In her face

[Happyemoji]

He hasn't screamed on her face it was a one of mistake and he's trying to make amends. Don't throw stones in glass houses.

[BlueNeighbourhood]

I think all in all it's up to the person to judge if this is a serious issue as to warrant taking the DP out of the home - I'm in agreement that I think it is.

I'd love to know at what age it becomes wrong for a parent to scream in their face in an aggressive tone? 11? 12? 13? Is it because he's 16 and growing up that it's dismissed by people? Surely this boy is still a child and a victim of an abusive household growing up, I'm startled people cannot see why this is a big deal to the OP. He has the right to feel safe and secure in his home, and I think even now if someone did what the SF did to me, I'd be waiting for his next episode as it doesn't stop there with the shouting and having someone invade your personal space.

What would PP's say if the guy had screamed in the face of a 7 year old because he was being disruptive? Would you say he deserved an adult making him feel frightened because he had a sarcastic tone?

What would PP's say if this guy had screamed in the face of his wife because she was pedantic when asked what was for dinner? Is she deserving of it because she was a little pedantic?

So why is it acceptable for someone to treat a 16 year old this way?

[Happyemoji]

Offred Green is only going on personal experience. I think she articulates and expresses herself very well considering her background.

[Willow2017]

"Huffing and puffing" is now "contempt, rudeness and disrespect"? Contempt?? Thats one huge leap!

Many people huff and puff about having to do something they dont want to do, they still do it though its a pretty minor thing in the grand scheme of things.

And its pretty much normal behaviour for your average non perfection personified teen.

[Offred]

The point about authoritarian parenting is it isn’t a house with love and warmth. Even if the parents think it is the children don’t get it from them...

Apart from anything else green your posts on here as well as on your own thread are quite incomprehensible, disjointed, full of high expressed emotion and I find it quite hard to see how almost everything you’ve said bears any relation to the OP’s actual posts or situation....

So many deeply weird things...

[StaplesCorner]

Flower as someone was saying yesterday, you have form.

green you literally cannot follow the thread. No, I am not saying its ok for ANYONE to come down on ANYONE else so hard they wont know what has fucking hit them. But you are. These are the words the OP's DP said to her son. And you've defended his right to say it to the hilt, over and over again.

As I say, you literally have zero self awareness.

[bluescreen]

I wouldn't blame OP for having quit this thread ages ago. There's so much judgementalism going on, so many critical assumptions about her parenting, so much tendentious reframing of what she actually said. And so many of her critics getting defensive when tackled about their own judgementalism.

People! Please. We weren't there. We didn't see or hear DP getting in DS's face and making him cry. We didn't see DS's shrugged "all right" and don't get to deduce a whole load of teenage shitty behaviour from that. Let's take what she said at face value. Let's stop reframing her words.

[Joysmum]

they may have displayed behaviour which could be described as abusive but I'm pretty sure that there needs to be a pattern and not just a one off occurrence

Something I stated 5 pages back. It’s up to the OP to decide if it was a one off or whether it was a pattern of behaviour that she’d been minimising.

[greenberet]

• staples are you saying it would be ok for someone bigger than the DP to come down on him so fucking hard if he was huffy in a shop or pub assuming the DP has anger and self control issues.
  

Surely if this was the case op would have known about this before now

[greenberet]

Offred if a child is raised in a home where love is the main emotion which means that both parents support and respect each other, that they take the time to talk and LISTEN to each other and take on board everyone's view point and work to always reach a compromise then it is possible for a child or teen not to have to push boundaries and challenge his parents.

They will have healthy self esteem, they will have good self respect and they will be responsible for themselves without having to be asked or reminded. This will be ' normal' for them as it will be all they have ever known.

In todays society we are all too busy and ruled by fear and stress which leads to dysfunction - I've just reread your post we are actually saying the same thing hear but coming from opposite ends of the scale - how old are your kids?
Staples I don't get what you mean but I can tell you my self awareness is pretty high and who is we - are you posting on behalf of others.?
l think you have also Mis interpreted what I'm saying- I don't believe zero tolerance is possible because people's life experiences determine what they can tolerate and this will not be the same for everyone.

The very fact that the op came on here asking had she overreacted must mean she possibly thinks she did. Had she been ok with what she had done she would not need advice from here - she wouldn't even question it - what concerns me though is that she has done the freedom programme _ is this where zero tolerance comes from ?

This bothers me as people are going to be labelled abusive when they are not _ yes they may have displayed behaviour which could be described as abusive but I'm pretty sure that there needs to be a pattern and not just a one off occurrence

[FlowerPot1234]

I think we just want to see if you had any self awareness whatsoever.

Oh dear StaplesCorner, you really take the when it comes to self-aggrandizement and your awful patronising tone. Issues, just so many issues...

[StaplesCorner]

This has made me laugh - actually I was referring to the bashing that @Flowerpot was getting not the op - greenberet I'm not laughing but I am smiling wryly as you seem to think this attitude is laudable. We knew that, I think we just want to see if you had any self awareness whatsoever.

maybe it is this phrase zero tolerance that is the issue - where has this come from - this means that we do not tolerate ANYTHING that we don't want to - like the OP's DP you mean. Him being the adult in the situation and all that ... I wonder how this man will cope when someone is huffy with him in a pub or a shop, and he's in their face in a split second. But then I sincerely doubt he is the sort of man to do that to another man. A 16 year old boy yes, but not someone who might actually be able to come down on him so fucking hard he won't know what's hit him.